Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun sized advice

Lambskin? What the fuck is wrong with you? Thought you had a moral compass, obviously thought wrong.
Yeah. I hope you never develop a latex allergy, bitch. Oh, and do you know what I had for lunch in your honor? A roast lamb French dip with a little onion marmalade and rosemary au jus. Fucking delicious.


What do you think about the idea that it’s unfair to make rich people pay more taxes?

Wait. When was any of this shit supposed to be fair?


I’m pretty sure you’ll never get married. But do you think you’ll ever settle down with a man?

Just one?


Does it get better?

It just did.


Stubborn girls… how do you get them back?

Quit fucking up. Even then, it’s a long shot.


Please make a facebook page, I hate twitter and I’m on whorebook all the time at work. I’d like to see when this blog updates.

Fuck no. Fuck Facebook. Here’s why.


Why hasn’t the collective herd been sufficiently thinned yet?

Because you haven’t killed yourself yet.


Why the name change for The Daily? What’s wrong with “Dear Coke Talk?”

You know what’s funny about that? It wasn’t the drug reference. It was because of the Coca-Cola Corporation trademark. Fucking ridiculous.


I know you’re completely indifferent; but all your old fans are GONE.

Oh please. All my old fans still follow me, and so do you. Quit acting like you just heard your favorite indie band on the radio, you stupid hipster doofus.


Lately it seem’s like only ‘needy’ guys are into me. Guy’s that don’t drive or have a job. How do I go about finding a man’s man?

Stop looking.


Do you think ‘Essential Faith‘ would layer well with Marc Jacob’s ‘Daisy’?

Essential Faith adds depth to any fragrance that’s layered on top. I’ve yet to find a perfume it doesn’t vibe with.


What gives you the motivation to be so accomplished?

I haven’t accomplished jack shit. Yet.


I get so into what he does that when he begs me to talk dirty I don’t know what to say. I honestly suck at dirty talk. Do you have any advice for me?

Dirty talk consists entirely of describing whatever it is you are doing in the moment. Just narrate the action, but you gotta own that shit. Curl your lip. Say it with brass. Don’t think. Growl.

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Advice

On what coke talk would do.

coketalk i love you. if you made a WWCTD bracelet i would buy the fuck out of it. just wanted to let you know your writing brings me joy. hope your day is peaches!


You asked for it. You got it.

So yeah, check this shit out. I’ve collaborated with NEIVZ to design a special VIP bracelet for all you lovers and fuckers out there who tell me the first thing they say when dealing with drama is, “What Would Coke Talk Do?”

These things are handmade out of purple lambskin and laser etched with the letters WWCTD right here in Los Angeles, and if you want, you can customize them with colored snaps and emergency room charms.

I’ll be wearing mine at Coachella.

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Advice

On omitting the truth.

Dear Coquette,

I was talking to my girlfriend the other day and she said that omitted truths are different than lies. She even went as far as saying that omitting truths isn’t wrong.

For example, suppose a friend went into my house while I was away and stole something. If I were to come home and ask him him what he was doing, and he replied “just chillin,” or something of that nature, he would be omitting a truth.

I should specify that I believe that omitting the truth is wrong when the result is neither benign nor positive for all parties — not when the consequences are neutral or positive. I believe that it’s wrong to omit a truth if doing so has the potential to do harm.

I can concede that an omitted truth may not be in the same category as a lie but I believe that it still carries the same severity.

She believes that of course lying is wrong, but omitting the truth is not wrong. She brought up an example of politics. She states that it is essential for politicians to omit truths because if they didn’t there would be no progress. I can agree with this statement to some degree, but I don’t think the sake of progress or “to make things easier” makes omitting truths alright.

I was hoping you could comment on this argument because she and I disagree and I respect your opinions.


Whether you are omitting truths or telling lies, you are still committing willful acts of deception. The only difference is that omissions are passive and lies are active.

You and your girlfriend are getting all caught up in the difference between passive and active, but so what? A willful act is a willful act, and in both instances, your free will is the proximate cause of that deception.

Omitting truths isn’t about right or wrong any more than lying is. Ethically, it’s all the same cocktail, because what we’re talking about here are willful acts of deception. Sometimes deception is necessary and good. Most of the time deception is wrong, and occasionally it’s downright unforgivable.

Come on, kids. Didn’t you ever stop and wonder why in all those courtroom dramas they make witnesses swear an oath to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? It’s because if you omit part of the truth, then it’s not the whole truth, and you’ve broken your oath.

Right or wrong, omitting truths is deception.

Watch out for your girlfriend, dude. Her integrity is questionable. It’s not necessarily her fault, because she might have been raised by a pack of lawyers. Still, she seems to be of a certain opinion that while she might not openly lie to you, she’s under no obligation to be forthcoming.

If I were you, I’d get in the habit of asking leading yes-or-no questions.


Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

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Advice

On ghosts.

My philosophy teacher said if you don’t believe in god but you believe in ghosts, you’re contradicting yourself. I’m pretty sure I’ve had a ghostly encounter but I don’t believe in god. Am I just crazy?

There is no inherent contradiction in believing in ghosts but not god, just like there’s no inherent contradiction in believing in angels but not unicorns. Belief in one supernatural phenomenon doesn’t require belief in all supernatural phenomena, and an afterlife doesn’t necessitate a supreme being any more than a supreme being necessitates an afterlife.

So yeah, your philosophy teacher got it wrong. Of course, just because there’s no inherent contradiction, that doesn’t mean you’re not an idiot for thinking you had a ghostly encounter. For the record, there are no such things as ghosts. Your experience wasn’t supernatural, and there is a rational explanation for whatever happened to you.

Don’t be a schmuck. If you’re ever again in a position where you think the laws of nature are being suspended just for you, trust me, they’re not.

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Advice

On my favorite books

If you mean what you say, Coke Talk should have a companion reading list. What books do you read? Tell us your favorites already!

Okay. Here are some of my favorite books in no particular order:

Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens
The first book I ever read.

Matilda, Roald Dahl
The second book I ever read. J.K Rowling can’t hold a candle to Roald Dahl’s magic.

A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole
It’s a shame Toole checked out early. I would have loved to read his third novel.

A Moveable Feast, Ernest Hemingway
People who think nothing happens in A Moveable Feast totally miss the fucking point. If we could all make nothing happen so beautifully, the world would be a better place.

The Road to Los Angeles, John Fante
I’m a sucker for all of Arturo Bandini’s adventures, but this one is my favorite.

Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov
Duh.

Veronika Decides to Die, Paulo Coelho
Sure, I love The Alchemist too, but I consider it one of his lesser works.

Play It as It Lays, Joan Didion
Ventilated yet dense, Joan Didion will always have a special place in my heart.

Lithium for Medea, Kate Braverman
Heartbreakingly beautiful.

Women, Charles Bukowski
Oh, Chinaski. I fucking love you.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera
I’ve read this dozens of times, and with each turn I always find something new.

American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis
Bret Easton Ellis is the Tom Ford of modern literature.

The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand
I give Rand a ton of shit, but Howard Roark is an important character.

The Idiot, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
It took me a while to read this one, but every hour was worth it.

Le Petit Prince, Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
It’s technically a novella, but whatever. I love this little book.

The Great Shark Hunt, Hunter S. Thompson
Gonzo is a way of life.

A People’s History of the United States, Howard Zinn
This ten pounder taught me more than every American history class combined.

The Great Gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
Californication made a noble attempt in season two, but I’m still waiting for this to be made into a movie that doesn’t totally fucking suck.

The Art of War, Sun Tzu
You want me to sum up Sun Tzu in a single word? Strategery.

Cat’s Cradle, Kurt Vonnegut
I practice boku-maru regularly.

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Advice

On hot teen girl-on-girl action.

My friend and I are incredibly close, and have been for over six years. We’re both seventeen. She’s a bisexual female and I’m a bicurious female. We had a very bad patch throughout all of last year where we came close to not speaking, but recently we’ve patched everything up and we seem to be better than ever.

Here’s the hard part. We “dated” at one point in our freshman year of high school (dating in quotes because, let’s be serious, we were fourteen) but broke up because the dynamic just wasn’t the same – in a negative way. Fast forward several years to now, when we’re almost completely different people. I feel the urge to try getting physical with her, and I’m pretty sure that I’m getting similar vibes off of her. However, I can’t tell if the desire is rooted in desperation (it’s been a year and a half since I’ve been so much as kissed) or genuine romantic feelings.

I’m also nervous about going for it because, as I said, we just got over a pretty rough spot. I don’t want to push things too far when we’re still healing. So, what do you think? Do I go for it, or reign myself in?

Don’t do it. Get your lovin’ elsewhere. Not to be condescending, but at your age, sex will complicate your relationship beyond your ability to control the outcome. It’s not worth risking a friendship of over six years, especially one that’s a been through some recent static.

If the urges become too much to resist, I highly recommend you talk about it with your friend first. Don’t be afraid of a little intimate pre-game conversation. If the two of you let your rational minds guide your decision to fool around instead of your teenage lust, things are much more likely to have a happy ending.

Good luck.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

Are you shipping your boutique stuff internationally? Us London girls want to rock that!
Yeah, I ship across the pond. I love you bitches, but you gotta start contacting me here with boutique questions.

You’re a sell-out.
You’re a child.

Would you consider yourself a modern-day Holly Golightly?
No. Don’t let Audrey Hepburn distract you. Capote’s character was a gold digging call girl.

My twenties are all about being confused? I thought my teens were all about being confused.
Life is about being confused. Each decade is merely about dealing with that confusion at increasing levels of responsibility.

How much bullshit is it worth putting up with for true love?
Please do not put the word true in front of love. Love is love, and you are not the Princess Bride.

What color is heaven?
What color is unicorn cum?

Favorite lip balm?
Kiehls Baby Lip Balm.


Why don’t you capitalize the g when you write “god”?

To me, god is a conceptual term, not a proper name like Jehovah or Allah or Zeus. It may not be the accepted capitalization, but I choose my words carefully for a reason.

How do I get over being rejected by colleges?
Your best bet is to react with maturity and poise by not taking it personally. Then again, you could always blame rich kids and Asians for your own mediocrity.

I’m all over your sites, and love the way you write. What snarky sites do you follow?
Not to sound like a snooty cunt, but I read books.

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On moving out and moving on.

Dear Coquette,

I need to break up with my current boyfriend of three years, but I don’t know how. I live with him, and he moved from a nearby city to live with me while I go to school. He is madly in love with me and I used to be in love with him, but a lot has changed. I had an abortion last May, and decided to move in with him because he was so helpful during the whole situation. I feel, though, that I have never gotten any time to spend on my own to deal with it. Also, I cheated on him last October with an old fling. I told him about it, but the problem paled in comparison to what we’ve already gone through.

I feel like I cheated on him to get out of the relationship and for him to break up with me, but that’s the last thing he wanted to do. I know that’s wrong of me, and it didn’t work. I don’t know how to plan to move out and find my own place and tell him I can’t be with him anymore, especially because he won’t take no for an answer.

I feel stuck, and I’ve definitely put myself in this situation, so I should be the one to get myself out. But I don’t exactly know how to plan through it. I keep putting it off.

Grow a spine already, geez. He won’t take no for an answer? Please. This isn’t up to him. The relationship is over whether he likes it or not, and you shouldn’t be sticking around if it’s against your will.

As soon as you’re done reading this, hit up Craigslist and start finding a new place. It’s better that your soon-to-be ex not feel entitled to just show up wherever you live, so I’d recommend you choose a house with roommates. 

Find something that’s month-to-month, and whatever you do, don’t sign a lease that’s longer than six months. You’ll be in post-break-up flux, and you need the option of moving again once you get yourself together.

Put a deposit down on a guest room somewhere and have the place ready and waiting. Pick a day when you know your boyfriend will be gone and pack it all up. Have your best friends help you throw your stuff in boxes. Hire a mover if you have to. Just get it done.

Get all your property out and over to the new place, take nothing of his, and don’t leave anything behind that you wouldn’t want thrown away. Don’t tell your boyfriend about your plans, and certainly don’t give him your new address. Simply leave. Get out. Go. 

When a break-up is messy and one-sided like this one, the person doing the breaking needs to treat it like an execution. Don’t let it be slow and painful. You’ve got be strong enough to make it clean, fast and permanent. 

You don’t even need to plan the break-up conversation. Trust me, it’ll happen naturally. Just focus on moving out and cutting ties. Don’t stay friends with him. Don’t agree to keep seeing him. For your sake and for his, no contact for a good long while. None.

There’s no need to be mean about it. You don’t even have to be cold. Just be firm and unwavering in establishing the new boundaries, and don’t for one second put up with any emotional blackmail.

Don’t drag this out anymore. 

End it.


Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

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Advice

On getting unstuck.

I’m 41 and still stuck in a depression from a relationship that ended badly twenty years ago. I rarely get involved with people, and don’t even remember the last time I had sex. I feel stuck. Do you have any advice to unstick me?

Twenty years? Are you kidding me? Come on, now. Andy Dufresne didn’t spend that much time in Shawshank.

Whatever prison you think you’re trapped in doesn’t actually exist. That’s the good news. The bad news is you might still have to crawl through a river of shit before coming out clean on the other side.

You suffer from depression. Fine. Whatever. That doesn’t give you license to pin it on the twenty year old version of yourself. Just because you’re fixated on some bullshit that happened in the early nineties, that doesn’t mean it’s the ultimate cause of any present day chemical imbalance.

If you’re clinically depressed, deal with it. Find a shrink and get some meds. Do the fucking work. Heal. On the other hand, if you’re just bummed out and full of excuses, then get over it already.

Either way, get your shit together. You’re capable of it.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized coquette advice

Dear Coquette,

What’s the most important quality in a relationship?
Mutual respect.


What is the future of the Egypt/Israel peace?

Same as it ever was.


Will I get married?

Sweetheart, I’m an advice columnist, not a Magic Eight Ball.


What happens financially in 2013?

Really? Ugh. “Reply hazy, try again.”


Your an idiot!

Well, at least I know the difference between you’re and your.


Do I save or spend?

I know you’re being a good little consumer, but those aren’t your only two options.


The tone of your advice is harsh and your column runs long.

If your sensibilities are that delicate and your attention span that stunted, perhaps you should go read Ashton Kutcher’s Twitter.


I wonder why humans don’t lay eggs? If they did, would this change fashion and design?

Of course it would. Tampax would sell egg cartons. Now pass me that joint you’re smoking.


My wife says my shoes need to be put away. Do I have to do this?

What are you, twelve? Go ahead and substitute the word “mommy” for the word “wife” in this ridiculous question. Notice how the tone didn’t change? Grow up, dude.


I will pray that one day you come down from your throne and realize how little you know about life and start believing in God before you are on your death bed. I would hate to see anyone end up in hell.

I’m pretty sure that passive-aggressive threats about my eternal damnation don’t count as prayers, but hey, who knows?


It takes as much faith to believe there is no God as it takes to believe in one.

No it doesn’t. You’re the one asserting God’s existence without any evidence. Dismissing an assertion made without evidence isn’t an act of faith. It’s an act of reason.


Do you think that sodomy is acceptable as an act of love between consenting adults?

Hell yes, it’s acceptable. Sodomy doesn’t have to be an act of love, either. As long as it’s between two consenting adults, it might as well be an act of bravery, an act of business or just an act of mild amusement.


What happened to being gracious and polite in American society? I don’t understand people’s thinking. Or, what’s worse, society’s “whatever” attitude towards rudeness. Any clue, can you enlighten us?

I don’t accept your persnickety premise that Americans are less gracious and polite than they used to be. This kind of sentiment reeks of wistful confusion and a sense of entitlement. Sorry, but I won’t be coddling your type here. Go ahead and write your angry letters. I love ’em.


Why should anyone listen to you?

I’ve got nothing to prove, and I piss off all the right people.


Who are you?

Wouldn’t you like to know.

Read “The Coquette” Sundays and Wednesdays in The Daily.

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