Advice

On promiscuity

I’m a nineteen year-old female college student. For the past three years, I’ve been getting more and more interested in feminism, and I love the liberation it offers. However, I feel like lately I’ve been a bit… TOO liberated. I’ve come out as bi recently, at the same time that my long-term relationship came to an end. I’ve embraced my sexuality fully, and as a result I’ve been having a lot of one-night stands and random hookups, and an exponential increase in sexual activity.

I feel like I’m becoming addicted to sex, but I’m not sure if I’m just confusing repressed guilt for compulsion. I enjoy sex, and I’ve never felt ashamed of it before, but my libido has gotten so out of control recently I don’t know what to do. I haven’t engaged in any overtly dangerous behavior, but I’m having trouble controlling myself. For instance, I recently solicited sex from a man I know I shouldn’t trust—he showed up drunk at my apartment a few weeks ago, refusing to leave and yelling in my face in front of my friend/roommate.

I’m just not sure if I have a serious problem or if I’m just trying to find an excuse for my promiscuity. What do you think?

Yeah. I can see you now, a liberated bisexual co-ed feminist recently out of a long-term relationship burning through your drunk dials at last call desperate to find some random cock to sit on before the dollar draft specials wear off.

What could possibly go wrong?

Listen, sister. There’s nothing inherently wrong with promiscuity, but it’s not the same thing as a lack of self control. Making stupid decisions that involve unsavory dudes is the shit you need to quit. You’re trying to find an excuse for your promiscuity when you should be trying to find an excuse for your stupidity.

Please understand, I’m not calling you stupid. I’m saying that you’ve confused promiscuous behavior with stupid behavior. You’ve also confused feminism with libertinism, but hey, one lesson at a time.

Oh, and by the way, you did not solicit sex. Don’t use that word, college girl. Solicitation has very specific legal implications, ones that you should most definitely avoid.

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Advice

On a modern bromance.

So I’m having this problem with my sexual identity, which I don’t know if you can specifically help, but I might as well ask.I’ve been having a lot of sex that doesn’t mean a lot with girls lately, and that’s fucking great— I’m a 20 year old man and I’m decently OK in bed and whatever. That’s beside the point.

The problem is, every time I’ve tried to be in a relationship with a woman or even move towards it I’ve found it incredibly unsatisfying and I just have none of those feelings, but I’m still sexually attracted to women. I find myself really not sexually attracted to men, but romantically very attracted to them— to the point where I’ve been drifting into a relationship with a very nice guy lately but I can’t really see myself being sexually satisfied by it at all.

I guess the poorly worded/presented problem here is, my sexual and romantic attractions are ill-suited to each other and it’s really tearing me up inside because lately I’ve wanted something more from both sides but it’s starting to feel really incomplete. Short of a complete overhaul/psychotherapy, what the hell is wrong with me and how can I fix it enough that I can be happily with someone in some meaningful way?

Dude. You’re twenty. Don’t get ahead of yourself with all this “man” shit. You’re still very much a boy. That’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with being a boy. In fact, there’s nothing wrong with you at all.

You’re not broken. You don’t need fixing. You’ve just got some inner conflict due to a shitty set of external guidelines about male homosociality in Western culture combined with your own internal expectation of romantic perfection upon which people your age consistently and unreasonably insist.

The kind of male romantic friendship you describe is really no big deal. I know it doesn’t fit neatly into the boring, binary, middle-minded modality of normative relationships, but shit dude, Abraham Lincoln had the same kind of bromance.

In other words, you don’t need to make this about your sexual identity. This isn’t about gay or straight. Sure, it might turn out that way, but you seem pretty earnest about the difference between your romantic and your sexual attractions.

Don’t worry about the labels. Just be emotionally present and brutally honest with yourself and with the people in your relationships. You’ll be fine.

One other thing, please get rid of the notion that one perfect, magical unicorn of a soulmate is going to come along and provide you with all of your emotional, intellectual, and physical needs.

That kind of thinking is crippling. It borders on insanity, and it single-handedly accounts for an overwhelming majority of all the bullshit relationship issues out there. Seriously, quit it.

What I’m saying is, get your sex from people with whom you’re sexually attracted. Get intimacy from people with whom you’re romantically attracted. Get companionship from the people with whom you just plain attract.

Get meat from the butcher, man. We’ve all got our roles to play.

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Advice

On girl meets girl.

Um, so here’s a scenario …

Girl meets girl ages ago.
Girl likes girl.
Girls are happy together for a couple of months.
Then one girl, well she fucks things up cause she’s not very mentally well.
The girls don’t talk for almost a year.
Then (cant remember how) the girls seemed to work things out.
The girls talk on MSN and text etc all the time.
But they just cant make themselves even say hi to the other ones face.
Other girl tells girl she misses her.
Girl agrees.
Other girl still likes the girl.
Girl agrees.
But other girls family don’t know that she’s bi.
And would be pissed.
So other girl can’t be with girl.
Because keeping it a secret didn’t work the first time.

This is where the girls are at now.
The girls cant talk to each other face to face.
But they want to.

do you have any ideas? We both agree its silly but we just . . cant!

Here’s an idea. Find an angsty art school reject to shit out a full color illustration for every line of this ridiculous question, because guess what? You just wrote a children’s book for melodramatic twits on the perils of bisexual exploration.

Here’s another idea. Quit pining over expired relationships. She’s still closeted and you’re both still crazy. Neither of you shows any indication that you’ll be making the transition from girl to woman before we get to the last page, so unless one of you loses the other’s number, there’s no way this ends gracefully.

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Advice

On left coast voting.

Who are you going to vote for?

Barbara Boxer, Karen Bass (Totally stoked for Karen. She’s earned it.) Jerry Brown (I gave Meg Whitman serious consideration, but ultimately had to pick the lesser of two evils.) Gavin Newsom (Gavin’s the shit. He’ll definitely be governor one day, maybe even president.) Debra Bowen, John Chiang, Bill Lockyer, and Kamala Harris (Seriously, everyone vote for Kamala. The woman is brilliant, and fuck Steve Cooley. Fuck him right in his fat fucking face.) Yes on Marijuana, Citizen Redistricting, and Simple Majority (Measures 19, 20, and 25.)

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Advice

On my methods

How come when a teenage girl asks for parental advice about camping, you give her genuine, nice feedback, but when a teenage girl asks about a controlling mother who won’t allow her to paint her nails, you call her a whiny brat? just wondering.

All teenage girls may be created equal, but their motives sure as shit aren’t, and just because every last one of ‘em desperately wants to convince her mother of something doesn’t mean you should show them how.

One girl calmly presented a discrete, specific problem to be solved. She wanted to go good old fashioned all-American camping, but her hyper-religious and overbearing mother said no. Are you kidding me? That shit’s practically the plot to Footloose. How could I not help?

The other girl just bitched and moaned about her wardrobe. Technically there was a question mark in there with reference to her mother and individuality, but that puddle was so shallow, she didn’t even understand what she was asking. I laid into her for good reason.

Maybe it seems like drill sergeant logic, but there’s a method to the madness.

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Advice

On bad planning.

ok, i’m coked out and i haven’t slept at all. what’s the best way to deal with the parentals meeting me the following morning?

Step one: a long hot shower followed by fresh clothes. Step two: healthy food. Eating is a must, preferably fresh fruit and a little protein. Try not to carb load or you’ll go into a food coma.

I know you’re probably tempted to level yourself out with a Xanax or something, but don’t. Food and a shower will be enough. Besides, if you’re still so majorly tweaked that a benzo is necessary to bring you out of orbit, you need to find some Ferris Bueller way to cancel the shindig with the parents.

Rookie mistake, babe. It’s Halloween. Always plan a twelve to twenty-four hour back-to-reality recovery buffer into these kinds of weekends.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice

What’s a classy way of rejecting guys that try to pick you up at a bar?
Six little words. “I’m flattered, but I’m not available.”

I’m moving to LA to be an actor. Any tips?
Shut up and bring me the menu. Just kidding, you’re gonna be a star.

how can i loose 10 pounds before thanksgiving
With a guillotine.

How do you decide to end a relationship of 5 years?
Babe, you just did.

How do you decide when to acknowledge hate mail and when to just not let it see the light of day outside your inbox?
You’d be surprised how much the lunar cycle plays a role in such things.

If the existence of god/heaven/hell were definitely proven, would you go to church and worship?
If the existence of the Aztec gods Huitzilopochtli and Tezcatlipoca were definitely proven, would you participate in human sacrifice and ritual cannibalism?

So, oh wise one, how would YOU get a boyfriend?
First know why, then the how will follow.

Do you whip your hair back and forth?
Don’t let haters keep me off my grind.

What’s your IQ?
I don’t know, but it’s probably better than my credit score.


My boyfriend cheated on me. What the fuck should I do now?

How badly do you need holiday companionship? Your call, babe.

What to do with guys who constantly use “you’re gay” as a cheap insult?
Nothing. Pick your battles, kids. There will never be enough mops in the world to soak up all the stupid.

How would you classify legitimate teenage rebellion?
A rare and beautiful thing. Wholly original unto itself. Intensely personal and dangerous. The direct polar opposite to the sanitized, corporatized, pre-packaged lessons in consumerism masked as faux teenage rebellion stacking the shelves in galleria shit holes like Hot Topic.

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Advice

On more stupid teenage shit.

I’m 16 years old. And I really want to get a tattoo, but my parents won’t let me. It isn’t even something prominent! Just a word on my finger. But no. They’re acting all parent-y and lecturing me about it. I understand that they don’t want me to get something I would regret later, but I’m really sure about this. How do I convince them? :/

Jesus fuck, will whiny little cunts like you never learn? I’m not on your side.

You’re sixteen. I know you don’t look it, and I know you don’t feel it, but you’re still a fucking child. There is no convincing your parents. They’re right. You’re wrong. End of story.

If you want respect from people like me, you have got to quit the whining. That means either one of two things. Shut the fuck up and obey your parents, or engage in legitimate teenage rebellion.

I’d prefer it if you’d listen to your folks on this one, but maybe your balls are brass, so fair warning. If you get the tattoo without parental consent you will suffer consequences. Be prepared, and take it like an adult.

Also fair warning. Whatever this word is you want forever emblazoned on your finger at sixteen, I promise, you will eventually regret it, because the whole idea is stupid and juvenile.

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Advice

On taking a guess

Lemmie guess, you’re really a nerdy girl who, like many nerdy girls who learn to use makeup, discover (or not) they’re actually pretty and then begin to hang out with a less-than-honorable crowd only to realize this in time and, with the help of friends, was able to find a balance between the stuff that you like doing and the stuff that needs doing. Right?

Ugh. You can tell when a guy writes this shit.

Okay, dude. I’ll admit, I was an ugly duckling. Gangly as fuck at just the right age where my eventual hotness didn’t go to my head the wrong way. I suppose my mother also helped with that. She made sure I understood the limitations of physical beauty. It was never about anything as trite as learning to use make-up. That’s an external process, like learning to lace up a boot. Sure, it’s useful, but it’s not a source of discovery.

Also, I’m not a nerdy girl. I’m an intelligent woman, so we can dispense with the archetypal moment where I took off my glasses, let down my hair, and suddenly everyone started blowing rails off my tits.

As for the less-than-honorable crowd remark, I’d say you haven’t been paying attention to what I do here. Of course, I’ve met more than my fair share of less-than-honorable people, but I know how to spot them, I know how to deal with them, and they never become part of my crowd. Ever.

You got the last part right, though. Finding a balance between the stuff I like doing and the stuff that needs doing with the help of friends, well shit, that’s how I live my life every day.

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Advice

On bubbles.

Woah woah, are you saying you’re NOT fascinated by bubbles? It’s a fucking GAS surrounded by a few-molecule-thick film of mostly water being held together, mostly by electromagnetic interactions of polar molecules. I mean, fuck, if you can’t find fascination in the wonders of the universe life’s gotta suck…

I stand corrected.

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