My new boyfriend recently told me I was the perfect person for him. Am I wrong to assume he’s said it to other girls in the past?

Maybe. Maybe not. It doesn’t really matter.

If you’ve got a new boyfriend who says ridiculous romantic cheeseball shit to you, then you can rest assured he’s said equally ridiculous romantic cheeseball shit to his past girlfriends as well.

It’s okay, though. You’re the one he’s with now.

He’s a guy, and by all evidence a relatively simple one. Don’t start picking apart these Hallmark moments looking for hidden meaning that isn’t there.

He’s saying nice things. Take that shit at face value, let it make you feel all warm and fuzzy for a minute, and then move on to the next thought.

Fair warning, once you get past the age of about nineteen, if a guy you’ve only been seeing for a few weeks starts making sweeping proclamations of love that include words like perfect, endless, desire, forever, or the ever popular soul-mate, it’s a safe bet that you’ll be changing your phone number soon.

Good luck.

People look up to you as a role model. That saddens me, and makes me worried about the quality of the human race.

Aww, you’re saddened?

Well, I’d tell you to go pop a xanax and lighten the fuck up, but I’m worried that without that smug sense of superiority there to inflate your ego, your personality might just collapse into a pile of its own bullshit.

It’s probably best you just carry around all that passive aggressive arrogance in your gut until it turns into cancer in about five years.

Thanks for reading, and have a lovely day.

I was engaged to a complete ass whipe 3 months ago.  We obviously ended it.  In that time I’ve been meeting new people and have found someone amazing.  Its been only 3 weeks, a very short amount of time, but we’ve dropped the L bomb on each other.  Is that too soon, even if we can’t deny that we do love each other?

You’re a fucking child. I mean that in the nicest way, but you are. I’m not saying you’re stupid. For all I know you’re excellent at math, but you have the emotional intelligence of a twelve year old.

You were engaged to be married three months ago, and now, three weeks into a new relationship, you’re telling a completely different person that you love them. This isn’t about dropping the L word too soon. This is about you assuming to have the slightest clue what love is.

Your former fiance was an asshole. Fine. Whatever. Why did you agree to marry him in the first place? Let me guess, at the time you were in looove with him. Even if you weren’t, that still demonstrates your incredibly poor decision making abilities when it comes to relationships.

Cut to today, and you’re dropping love bombs like it ain’t no thing in a rebound romance that started right around the time the World Cup ended. What the fuck? Do you really think this is love? Really?

Well, it’s not. You’re just a bitch in heat. You’re high on a drug. Whenever you catch a whiff of your new boy toy, your brain floods with dopamine like you just did a line of really good blow.

Yeah, it feels great. Fine. Whatever. You’re on the rebound and you should feel free to enjoy yourself, but get a fucking grip. What you’re experiencing is a short-term neurochemical response, not the L word.

Should I sell my soul to the corporate machine and go into advertising or should I struggle as a freelance artist and do the art I love?

I hate to break it to you, but the corporate machine stopped buying souls in 2007. You couldn’t sell out now even if you wanted to. You’re pretty much doomed to struggle as a freelance artist no matter what you do, and nobody gives a fuck whether you love it or not.

I know you’ve probably had your head up your ass in art school these past few years, but someone should have told you that we’re smack dab in the middle of the ugliest economy since the great depression.

The ass dropped out of advertising budgets several years ago, and the industry is in the middle of its long cycle of being bitch slapped by the recession. You’re trying to enter a field where very talented people with considerably more experience than you are willing to work for peanuts.

If you are one of the lucky few with connections, don’t be an asshole. Sell out. Otherwise, just pretend to have integrity as a freelancer doing the art you love until they start hiring again in December of 2012.

I’m a fifteen year old guy, and I recently came out as bisexual at school. Everyone I’ve actually told personally (mostly my friends who are girls, and one or two guys who I thought would be OK with it) have been really supportive. However, as is always the way, it didn’t take long for the homophobes to start flocking in.

They ask me questions on Formspring, and then take great (cowardly) care to remain anonymous – and before you ask, I’ve now stopped them being able to do that. Some of the questions included, – in incorrect grammatical form, of course –
“ahahaaaaa faggot bastard with no friends :’)”,
“you like the image of cock in your arse… all gays should be burnt.”,
and finally (my personal favourite),
“do you know what a sport is? s p o r t…. things you do outside, instead of staying inside doing nerdy gay drama with your bent friends or staying at home wanking to gay porn. you make me sick!”.

(Do you think they’re happy being stereotypes?)

Can you please give me some advice on how to answer this unimaginative homophobia with wit and flair, and to show that I’m not afraid of them? Or should I just ignore it? I need some serious help.

You got gay bashed with an emoticon? That’s priceless.

Listen, I understand the urge to respond to this kind of confused ignorance, but you really should ignore it. Wit and flair is wasted on people like that, and if you’re genuinely not afraid of them, then there’s no need to bother showing it.

Also, for the record, that is the most unintentionally hilarious definition of sport that I’ve ever seen. Apparently, going out and playing with balls is the only thing keeping guys from staying home and playing with balls. It’s accidental genius.

Anyways, you don’t need any help. You’re fine. Just be safe, learn to enjoy your haters, and have fun being a bisexual teenager.

You’ve probably already had this one (a million times) but I’m annoying and lazy so I’ll ask it anyways. What should I do if I’m bored in my marriage and have two small kids. Wait it out because we’re *both* boring and fat now? or let him know and deal with the consequences?

Wait it out? You’re in a marriage, not a line at the grocery store.

Get your shit together, woman. Children are no excuse for being fat and boring. If your husband isn’t doing it for you, feel free to tell him, but don’t be surprised if you aren’t his idea of a hot time either.

Sure, you’ve got kids to raise. Those little buckets of obligation are your first priority, but after that, you should both feel free to chase whatever excitement you can handle.

Presumably, you and your husband have something in common other than your offspring. If so, go find some fun together. If not, go find some fun separately.

Either way, have a fucking honest conversation with each other about your emotional conditions. Get that shit out on the table.

Otherwise, all that boredom is gonna fester into resentment and anger as you lead a life of quiet desperation. You’ll end up damaging your kids with your loveless marriage, and they’ll move to Los Angeles to pursue dreams of acting.

Trust me, you don’t want that to happen.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now, and I feel more for him than I have ever with anyone in a past relationship. I am bisexual, and he knows that and accepts it and even finds it sexy, so that’s all good, but a lot of the time I find myself missing tits and vaginas to a point where I even consider breaking it off with him. Five weeks ago, my friend who is also bisexual and (in my eyes) a complete babe, stayed the night at mine and we ended up in our panties making out on my bed. I didn’t go any further than that, because I felt awful, but I really wanted to.

My question is, should I tell my boyfriend about my cheating and risk our relationship, or just count what happened as a mistake and keep it to myself?

I don’t want to hurt him, and I feel like I was only satisfying a craving, which is a really bad way to look at it, but that’s what has kept me from telling him so far.

Thanks for your honesty!

Why do you insist on repressing your bisexuality in the first place? Remember, monogamy and fidelity are not the same thing, and merely acknowledging your bisexuality isn’t the same thing as celebrating it. If you have cravings that need to be satisfied, consider opening up your relationship.

Communicate with your boyfriend. When you find yourself missing tits and vagina, tell him. Let him be a part of your whole sexuality, and give him a chance to say yes to your needs. It’s your relationship, and the two of you can set your own terms.

You’d be surprised how many guys are perfectly cool with their bi girlfriends getting a little pussy every once in a while, especially if there’s a chance they might be invited to join in the fun. It’s a classic double standard that may work in your favor here.

In the end, this isn’t about whether you confess to making out with some girl (although you probably should, and I imagine you eventually will.) Instead, this is about whether you change the fundamental nature of your relationship so that you can remain faithful to your boyfriend while still fulfilling your needs.

There’s nothing wrong with having it both ways. Whoever first said “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” was a total fucking asshole, because you can, especially when the cake we’re talking about is pussy.