Advice

On bisexual boys

Why can’t there be more heterosexually-inclined males that are open to some homo-licious encounters?

I feel as though most women are open to this, whereas guys carry on their macho bravado like they don’t really want some dick now and again.

I understand the whole female-on-female acceptance, and the typical bro-on-bro no-no, but I feel everyone would have a lot more fun if they’d chill the fuck out and have some fun!

What’s your take on this, oh coke-y one?

Ah, yes. The ultimate double standard.

The average woman with a healthy sexual appetite would rather sleep with a beautiful woman than an ugly man. The average man with a healthy sexual appetite would rather sleep with an ugly woman than a beautiful man. That’s just the way it seems to be these days.

I honestly don’t care. More dick for me, really. I’m also not the type of girl who gets off on two men getting it on.

If that’s you’re thing, fine. I wish you all the hot bisexual cock you can handle, but I’ve found that if you’re the token girl in the room when two guys decide to start experimenting, things are bound to go terribly wrong or terribly right.

Either way, you don’t need to be there anymore.

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Advice

On the nature of things.

i have a quick question. it seems like los angeles is dead. i can’t remember the last time i went out and have actually said to myself, wow this is fun. has LA changed or have i changed? is it time to find something new? or find someWHERE new. bored.

Yes, Los Angeles changed. So did you.

Shit is cyclical, though.

It’ll come back.

So will you.

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Advice

On cock bumps.

First off, your wording gives me a girl boner. I wish my boyfriend were here right NOW because reading about blowing rails off of nine inches of rock hard celebrity cock has me in a big hurry to tear the pants off of someone.

My question is this- how do you pull it off? How do you keep a dick hard and steady while you line the shit up and get down there with a straw? I’m visualizing sudden limpness or an involuntary muscle spasm dumping a gram onto rumpled sheets. Just a question of method, really- to be applied asap.

A fucking straw? It’s not a glass of iced tea, babe. It’s a hot throbbing cock balancing a tidy pile of cocaine. You put your nose on that shit.

Proper placement is key, and we’re talking about bumps here, not lines. I recommend the middle of the shaft. Only put blow on the head of his cock if he has a tendency to ejaculate prematurely.

I usually don’t need to worry about keeping the dick hard. The kind of guy who likes blow on his cock is the kind of guy who has a stash of Viagra.

Other tips include making sure things are relatively dry, and never forgetting to lick up every last trace of powder. If he fucks you with a dusty dick, your shit will go so numb it won’t be worth anyone’s time.

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Best-Of Advice

On being normal

I’ve been reading your blog now for a month or so and I can’t help thinking to myself you’re actually a normal human.  What I mean by this is that you merely use this as an opportunity to be someone you’re not in everyday life.  I would bet that you are no where near as brash and politically un-correct.  I don’t think it is possible to actually live the life you portray here.  Or am I wrong?

You’re not wrong. You’re not right either.

I am actually a normal human being. Beyond that, I can’t quite bring myself to accept your premise that a normal human being can’t think and act the way I do.

I don’t know what it’s like where you’re from, but bitches like me are a dime a dozen out here. I’ve just decided to write some shit down, is all. Is it really that hard to believe?

Maybe you’re imagining things to be far more fabulous than they appear. Sure, I have my share of fun, but if you bumped into me in a hotel lobby, you wouldn’t be magically transported into a Terry Rogers painting.

Shit man, this is LA. It doesn’t matter what side of the velvet rope you’re on at night. Come morning, we’re all stuck in traffic wishing we spoke more Spanish.

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Advice

On not taking shit.

In looking for an apartment in a new city, I was shown one I loved. When I tell the leasing agents I’m ready to put in my application I was told that unit is no longer available. And so begins their game of bait-and-switch. I’m then shown something similar and acceptable only to hand over my deposit & 1st month’s rent and receive the keys to an entirely different apartment. I catch them as they are about to leave the leasing office, collect the “correct” keys and find that they’re offering me still the WRONG apartment. How the hell do I bail now that they have my cashier’s check in hand?

You signed a lease, didn’t you? It explicitly states the address and apartment number of the unit that you are renting, does it not? There you go. Point to that line in the lease and in the voice of your favorite character from The Usual Suspects say, “hand me the keys, you fucking cocksucker.”

Don’t let people dick you around. Get up in their shit. Make them honor their agreement. Don’t bother threatening legal action, either. That just makes you look naive. Be a nuisance instead.

If you’d rather just be done with it, then let them know. Keys or cashiers check, you’re walking out of that office with something.

Whatever your demands are, be firm and be clear. Make noise. Start a file and document everything. Take down everyone’s full name. If someone tells you no, demand to speak to their supervisor. Keep kicking shit uphill until somebody listens. Ruin their day until they give you what you want.

Even if it’s your dumb-ass fault for signing a shady lease agreement without reviewing it first, don’t let them take advantage of you.

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Advice

On small dick.

I’m just going to be blunt. My boyfriend has a small dick, and when we have sex it is not as fun as it could be.

What the fuck can do I do, besides telling him that his dick is too small? I dont want to come off like a greedy dick bitch, but still, i have sexual needs that aren’t being fufilled.

You’re not going to fulfill your sexual needs by crushing his ego, and his dick ain’t gonna grow. No good will come from you pointing out his golf pencil.

He’s got a tongue and ten fingers, doesn’t he? Make him use all he’s got.

Otherwise, just go ahead and break up with him. Do him the honor of never revealing why, though. No man deserves that.

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Best-Of Advice

On giving feminism a bad name

YOU CALLED FEMINISM A ‘NARROW-MINDED BELIEF SYSTEM’? Haha.

It’s funny that you think you’re being ‘open-minded’ by watching porn. Wow, what a free spirit! Succumbing to the objectification of women, the assigning of gender roles and misogyny!

WELL FUCKING DONE.

You idiot.

Capital letters and sarcasm? Wow. I almost didn’t notice that you completely misquoted me. I didn’t call feminism a narrow-minded belief system, although for your angry brand of the stuff, I might be willing to make an exception.

Do me a favor and don’t talk to me about words you don’t understand. I know sex workers with more feminism in their clit rings than you’ve got in your entire gender studies department. Free spirits, indeed.

Here’s a thought exercise: if a camera crew filmed me pulling the stick out of your ass, would that be considered porn?

The correct answer: only if you enjoyed it.

(Oh, and you know how you got all offended just now instead of laughing? Yeah. That’s why nobody likes you.)

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Advice

On what makes you happy

I love reading both your blog and your answers to these questions.  There’s something raw and funny about your writing style.  Your life seems full of glamour, passion, and some sick parties—the kind of life I dream of living someday.  Thing is, I’m not like that.  As much as I want to be a glamorous badass, I don’t live up to my daydreams.  I’m in college, and I don’t go out partying every weekend.  I have a boyfriend whom I love and I don’t want to sleep with anyone else.  I like staying in and watching movies.  I don’t have a sweet group of hardcore bitches.  I usually can’t drag myself to go out more than once a weekend when I do.  I’m just… boring.  I’m not the kind of person you would want to know.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m not sure how to word this quality I’m trying to describe… basically, can your flavor of awesome be learned, or is it something with which one must be born?  Should I give up my rockstar fantasies and become content with my quiet nights of Arrested Development and Chinese takeout? I do enjoy them, but I’ve always imagined I’d be someone else at this age.

Are you happy? Yes? Then shut the fuck up and enjoy movie night.

Don’t assume I wouldn’t want to know you, either. I happen to love Arrested Development and Chinese takeout. I also love blowing rails off nine inches of rock hard celebrity cock, so yeah. You lead your life, and I’ll lead mine.

Besides, you’ve got plenty of time after college to come out to Los Angeles and dip your tits in the glitter and madness.

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Advice

On facing threats.

Do you have any advice for girls that are afraid to be rude even when the time calls for it? I have a problem with this in particular. I have been put in various situations where being too nice has led me to get burned. I’m not talking relationship wise; I have no problem being a bitch to stupid boys. I mean just in general with creepy fucking strangers (all of the male variety). There is no rhyme or reason to my problem, except maybe I’ve always been shy when first meeting someone and tend to err on the safe side for fear of offending, despite what could be dangerous circumstances. For instance, I have been “sexually assaulted” (aka straight up groped) by a fucking old creep I used to buy coffee from every day. When it happened, I didn’t drop my coffee and run… I acted normal, played it cool. It’s like I freeze up and my instincts of fight or flight disappear. Time and time again this happens, though the results have never been as extreme. What the fuck can I do to be make myself a bitch that sick fucks are afraid to even look at?

It’s interesting that you mention your fight or flight instinct. Fresh theory suggests that as a woman, you may have an altogether different threat response known as tend and befriend.

I don’t know enough about the theory to apply it to your behavior, but I’m willing to bet that if you look into it yourself, you’ll gain some insight into why you’re passive when under threat.

In the meantime, go take a few Krav Maga classes. That shit is no joke.

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Advice

On losing them both.

I am a virgin, who just wants to have sex, but my Christianity is standing in my way, and so are my morals. But still I just want to fuck.

You’re a mammal. Of course you just want to fuck.

Problem is, you’ve had religious poison poured into your furry head from a young age, and now you’re confused and ashamed of your own animalistic nature.

Of course christianity is standing in your way. That’s what it does. It demands that you surrender your rational thought. It dulls your curiosity. It warps your morality. It destroys your potential for enlightenment.

Oh yeah, and it corrupts one of the most beautiful expressions of the human experience, your sexuality.

Your virginity isn’t the problem here. Your religion is.

May you lose both when the time is right.

I hope it feels wonderful.

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