My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, but due to my last (rough) breakup- involving physical and emotional abuse- I can’t quite settle into this relationship. It’s unfair to my current boyfriend (who’s apparently head over heels), but as far as I know, he’s willing to wait it out. But I don’t know how long it’ll take before I’m comfortable enough to open up to him. I love him, but he doesn’t deserve to wait around for me to deal with my baggage. What should I do?

Keep him. Dump him. It’s entirely up to you. Just don’t let him sit around being a distraction while you get your shit together. Either he helps you heal, or he gets the fuck out of the way.

Waiting around is useless and passive, not just in a relationship — in any endeavor. He’s your fucking boyfriend. He doesn’t get to play the role of innocent bystander.

You’ve got some real shit to deal with, and he’s just hanging out with a love-stoned grin on his face thinking he’s doing you a favor by merely existing. Bullshit. He’s either part of the solution, or part of the problem.

Given the way you phrased this question in terms of his emotional needs, I’m inclined to think that at the moment, he’s more part of the problem.

Don’t make your path toward healing be about him. This is about you.

Get selfish. You’re not on his schedule. He’s on yours, and you’re under no obligation to ever open up to him. That’s not the goal. The goal is for you to process your past abuse through self-exploration so you can move on.

Once again, I say get selfish. I know it goes against your nature to put yourself first, but that’s part of your underlying problem. Fuck what’s “unfair” to your boyfriend. Do what you need to do, babe.

Take care of yourself.

Good luck.

I’m curious about something you said in “On the Obvious Choice”.  I’m a sophomore in college majoring in fine art, because its what I love to do and what makes me happy.  I’m intelligent; I score in the 99 percentile on every standardized test I take (not that that means a whole lot).  I could be a doctor if I wanted to or an engineer or whatever.  Does that fact make me “the world’s worst kind of asshole?” Where does doing what you love and following your dream come in?

Intelligent though you may be, you’ve missed my point.

Of course, do what you love. Follow your dreams. The world needs artists as much as it needs doctors and engineers. You’ve chosen a noble field, and given your talents I’m sure you’ll make the world a better place.

My comment was aimed at theology, a ridiculous field of study for those who have surrendered their rational thought to the corrupt and inherently anti-intellectual institution of religion, but who nonetheless wish to putter through the halls of academia pursuing pseudo-philosophical whimsy.

Let me make a further distinction between theology and religious studies. I’m all for religious studies. It has sociological and anthropological value, and it’s an academic discipline worthy of respect.

The difference is that theology requires a level of religious faith, or at the very least a commitment to the underlying truth of whatever religion is being studied. That’s where I draw the line and call bullshit. So yeah, this is me being harsh on theology. It’s my opinion, and I only offer it because I was asked.

If you’re the kind of person who wants to waste a graduate level education dissecting the irrational nuances of your imaginary friend in the sky, I consider you an asshole, and if you do so when you had the means and opportunity to enter a legitimate profession where you could have otherwise been saving lives, I consider you the worst kind of asshole.

But hey, I’m a total bitch, so what do I know?

Seriously, I just got back from a screening in Malibu, and I’m still kinda drunk. I just re-read this shit, and while I’m pretty sure I’m getting my point across, I also want to double-down on the whole follow-your-dreams thing.

Really. Do what you love in this life, and don’t let people like me make you second guess yourself. Even assholes should follow their dreams. That’s what makes the world go ‘round.

Okay. I’m just gonna shut up and go to bed now.

Med school, peace corps, or theology grad school?

Really? A priest, a hippie, or a doctor? Gee, I wonder which of those three the world needs more.

Don’t be an asshole. Go to medical school.

If you still want to save the third world in a few years, feel free to join Doctors Without Borders. Those bad ass motherfuckers eat peace corps pussies for breakfast.

Oh, and it should be explicitly stated: if you choose to waste your time with an advanced degree in theology when you’re capable of becoming a medical doctor, you are the world’s worst kind of asshole.

A size 6 is not the key to happiness and you should know better.  Shame on you.

You’re right. A size two is the key to happiness.

That and a sense of humor.

Good luck, bitch.

(But seriously, ladies. Read my post again. Did I say she was fat? Did I say size ten was fat? Did I even once use the word fat? No, no, and no!

God forbid I tell a girl with your dress size that it’s okay to lose some weight if that’s what she wants to do. I wasn’t talking to you or about you, so have a snack and chill the fuck out.)

This guy I’m dating told me everything is perfect and he’s ready for me to be his girlfriend but there’s just one problem… I’m a little fat. I wear a size 10. WTF do I do? Stay with him and lose weight (I wouldn’t mind)? Or woman-up and walk the fuck out?

Both, sweetie.

Your instinct to dump this douchebag is the right one.

Sure, he’d prefer you thinner. That’s no big deal. Problem is, he made it an ultimatum, and you should never put up with that shit. Drop his ass on general principle.

At the same time, if you wouldn’t mind losing the weight, go ahead and do it. Spend May and June hitting the gym and eating a healthy 1200 calorie diet.

Keep it up, and you’ll be buying size six for the summer.

Do it for yourself, not for him.

I can’t stop thinking about infinity and the expanding universe. It’s getting to be a problem where I have to force myself not to think about it or else I feel sick and begin having anxiety pains. What can I do?

Instead of freaking out about your utter insignificance in an unimaginably vast and ever expanding universe, focus all of your concentration on the brutal inevitability of your own death.

Just kidding. Do drugs.

My girlfriend and I just started having sex. She swears against condoms, and just tells me to use the pull-out method. I have good stamina, and haven’t “blown it” pre-maturely. Nor do I think I will.

I’m quite conflicted. It feels much better without protection, but I’d feel more at peace if I was using it.

Do you have experience in this department? Am I worrying too much? What should I tell her?

Do me a favor and name your first abortion after me.

Fucking morons.

I’m a seventeen year old bisexual guy. I’ve only ever been with girls, and I’m not ready to be “out” yet. I’ve been having strong urges for guys lately. Is there anything you can suggest? I’m frustrated.

Gee, sport. I’m sorry to hear that high school pussy just ain’t cutting it for you.

Until you’re ready to man up and embrace your bisexuality, I’m afraid your only options are of the skanky and anonymous variety. The most obvious poor life choice available to a closeted bi-curious teenage boy is Craigslist.

You can just hop online and cruise for meth-fueled man love any time of the day or night. I’m sure if you post the above question word-for-word, you’ll be knee deep in strange cock and by sundown.

Go get ‘em, tiger.