my mother in law and i have never seen eye to eye, but over the years i have tried very hard to see her through the eyes of someone who loves her.  i have come to accept that i cannot change her and her behavior, i can only change myself. need to stop letting her words/actions effect me.  so here is the issue:

we have two sons, 14 and 16. my husband is in the military so we have moved all over.  my MIL has made little or no effort over the years to bond with or forge any sort of relationship with my sons. (we have put in a lot of effort trying to arrange visits, going to see her, buying her plane tickets to come here, yet it is still a problem) in reality, all she wants is a relationship with her son. (wondered if i was imagining this so i brought it up with my husband and he didnt even disagree with me) i understand that i must learn to accept what she has got to give. i dont think it would be so difficult if it were about her not liking me alone. but it involves my children and that makes me very upset. however, i’m tired of being angry, tired of feeling hurt. can you help point me in the right direction? how to let go of my anger/resentment and move past it?

First, I’m going to point you here. I think you’ll find it to be a shockingly accurate description of your mother-in-law. The old cunt is a narcissist, plain and simple.

Next, I’m going to point you here. It’s specifically for daughters of narcissists, but I think you’ll find the material applies perfectly well to daughters-in-law.

Good luck.

I’m 20 years old and from a very conservative Christian family. I have always been the most experimental, open minded, and liberal thinking member of the family (even from a young age), and I think it scared my parents half to death. I expirimented with different drugs, drinking, sex; things I would consider normal teenager stuff. I went to a charter school for the arts (theater major), broke the records in my high school for highest ACT and SAT scores yet attained, and am considered by a few friends to be well-spoken.

I’ve always had an extra large craving for attention, and although I might be a bright kid- I definitely lack in the stability department. When I was about 16-17 I went through a personal reformation where I accepted Jesus, quit drinking and drugs, and personally adopted my parents lifestyle. This was all spurred by surviving bad experience with some hallucinogenic drugs mixed with too many opiates.

I also decided to get married. One week after my graduation.

I’m married to a decent man, who is very honest, very hardworking,  cleans, cooks, scrapes my icy windsheild before he leaves for work, and puts up with all of my drama. The only problem is, when I decided to get married to him, I was very very southern baptist, and thought I always would be. I’ve changed a lot since I got married at 18.

I’m pro-choice, I believe (strongly) in pre-marital sex, and support gay marriage- you know, the standard beliefs that most intelligent, not bible thumping rednecks. I no longer believe in the silly religion I once did, and this really pains my husband.

We were separated for about 4 months, in which I lived on my own, made a lot of really smart and funny friends, had some mind blowing romantic/ sexual experiences outside of my marriage, and had a few mind-expanding and safe experiences with a drug or two. When my husband found out about this (rather suddenly, and due to unexpected circumstances) he was heartbroken and said he still wanted to love me forever, and continue to form a happy and intertwined love with each other as a married couple. My family and all of my friends from home were very supportive of this, and we are now living together again in a beautiful penthouse apartment that he pays for.

The thing is- I miss my wild side. I am a really truly free spirit, and i don’t feel like I will ever live up to what he hopes I will be (domestic. religious. tame. subservient. a breeder.) He’s in the military, and I know he loves my vivid and wild personality, I think he really craves the traditional/stereotypical military wife experience.

I love to fuck. I LOVE to fuck, and I love to fuck interesting people. I love to go out and have some fun when I’ve earned it with eclectic, passionate people. I love to share  and epic high every blue moon. I want to travel, and learn, and be free, and spend my days however i want- instead of feeling like a bird in a cage.

But I know my husband is a great man, doesn’t lie often, would never cheat, and will always change the baby’s diaper in the middle of the night when we procreate.

Do you think it would be better for me to stay in my marriage, and do what my family believes is the “right thing” (to a good man, mind you)? Or do you think maybe I should consider getting a divorce, and developing my own life before I try to intertwine it with someone elses?

What the fuck, country music? Seriously, let’s set this shit to some twangy guitar and get Taylor Swift to yodel about your poor life decisions at the CMA awards.

I’m glad your husband is a good man, but you’ll never be happy with a conservative christian soldier as your life partner. That being said, you made your vows. He deserves every opportunity to grow with you.

You are obligated to do everything you can to bring him to the party. You have no choice but to spend a few years browbeating him with your free-spirited libertine values until he evolves into an Obama-voting bisexual pot farmer.

Give it all you got, and while you’re at it find a military spouse scholarship and go to fucking college.

If you guys aren’t hosting atheist swinger parties by the time you get your bachelors degree, then divorce his ignorant ass and move to the city.

Whatever you do, don’t get pregnant.

Your last post inspired me to ask my own question about relationships and the “M” word. My boyfriend and I are in what I suppose would be considered a “serious relationship.” I don’t date a lot, only had one other “real” relationship and it was a joke compared to what I have now. I have never felt better about myself, what I’m doing in my life, or where my life is headed. Even though I’m a college senior and about to jump into a life of uncertainty when I’m a person who hates change, I’m excited about what will happen to me and to us.

He told me that in his last relationship, he had gotten to the point where he was looking for a ring for the girl. I know he’s a commitment guy—he’s in it for the long haul and doesn’t bother himself with dating for the sake of dating. I’m the same way, so it works out fairly well; however, not even a month into the relationship he was using both “if” and “when” in reference to the big “M” word between the two of us.

At first it didn’t scare me. I like to know that this isn’t just a silly thing for him. But the more I think about it, the more I’m afraid that he’s still thinking about marriage because of his ex, and not because of me.

I feel like I can talk to him about anything, but the thought of asking him what’s going on and either requesting that he not talk about marriage, or just getting clarification on his intentions, scares me. Do I have the right to bring up how he considered proposing to his ex, or is that none of my business? Is it egotistical of me to think that after three months of a relationship he’s seriously considering our future together? After all, we talk about how we would raise kids and even looked at engagement rings (in what I thought was just a goofy moment).

I would never say yes to a proposal until I had dated for at least a year and a half, preferably longer; I want to be 100% sure. Is it too early to even discuss the possibility of an engagement with him, and what I need before anything serious commitment happens?

Thank you so much in advance! I really value your opinion 🙂

Okay, I need to read between the lines for a second. When you say “I’m a person who hates change,” what you really mean is “I’m a magnificent control freak.”

Also, when you say “I’m excited about what will happen to me,” what you really mean is “I’m terrified of the gigantic spinning fireball known as adulthood hurtling toward me at incredible speed.”

I point this out because it’s key to what’s going on here. You’re anxious about the future, and all of this silly flirtation with notions of marriage is merely is a coping mechanism for dealing with your crippling fear of uncertainty.

You and your boyfriend peeking at shopping mall engagement rings is the collegiate equivalent of kindergartners playing house. That’s fine. It’s fun to play dress-up, but don’t start calling shit serious just yet.

It’s been three months. Chill the fuck out.

I know I’m stepping outside the boundary of the question here, but this next bit of advice doesn’t just apply to your relationship: don’t be in such a rush to play it so damned safe.

I know you can’t wait to be a music teacher and a stay-at-home mom, but why not start a fucking band first? You’ve got your whole life to drive minivans and vote for Sarah Palin. Go do something wild before settling down.

Go conquer your fear of uncertainty. Go spend some time experimenting with the human condition. Go have your own personal rumspringa and only come back when you know you’re ready.

Come on, you’ve got the soul of an artist. I don’t want you to regret not having any crazy stories to tell your grandkids.

It’s been 2 months and a half since I last talked to my exboyfriend. He left to USMC basic training, and he hasn’t even written a letter. I haven’t written to him, either. Last time I heard something come out of his mouth was a ‘Get out of my life.’

Now, last night I went out with his best friend to grab some grub by the beach, and as we were talking about weather and shit, he breaks the conversations with a ‘He asked how you’re doing?’. I kept on talking, of course, ignoring the comment thinking I had heard wrong, but then he throws it in the conversation again.

I completely ignored my food and looked at him, telling him to not write shit back. To say nothing, to say he didn’t know how I was doing.

It pissed me off to know that, now, when he’s about to come back into town, is when he decides to ask how am I doing and whatnot.

I still have feelings for him, I’m not going to lie, but I really don’t know if I should see him or not once he gets back into town… that is thinking if he’d like to see me. Cuz asking for me in a dumbass letter doesn’t mean he will actually want to see me.

Please, tell me something that makes sense and it’s not what I’d like to hear… Something the bunch of hypocrites I hang out will not say. Thank you.

I dated a soldier once. My situation doesn’t apply, but rest assured that your ex will definitely want to see you when he gets back from basic training, if but for no other reason that he will be dying to stick his dick in something warm and wet.

That’s not to say you should see him. In fact, you probably shouldn’t. He’s gonna be in really good shape, and if you end up seeing him socially, you’ll undoubtedly end up breaking him off a piece of ass out of an awkward combination of curiosity and pity.

That’s when shit will get really sticky. Both of you will feel obligated to try to rekindle something that has long since died, and you’ll end up in an uncomfortable zombie-like relationship until he gets deployed.

The relationship is over, right? Then it’s best just to avoid him altogether.

(Oh, and if you were wondering, he only asked about you because he wants to know whether you’re fucking somebody else. That’s all.)

At what point should you tell a nice girl that she is being cheated on?

A close male friend of mine has become a shittier and shittier person over the last couple of years. He’s religious- which would normally turn me away from befriending him in the first place- but has always open minded and outside the box enough to make an exception for.    He has recently proposed to a very christian girl who has never(at 31 years old) had a boyfriend before. She knows absolutely nothing about men. No brothers, no non- religious experimental girlfriends, no exposure. She has NO idea what she’s up against, and completely believes that he is every bit as religious and virtuous as she is- because that is what he pretends to be in front of her. She’s completely sweet, entirely naive, fully in love with who she THINKS she’s marrying- and does not deserve to be hurt by the very first guy that she ever gets close to. After taking her virginity (BEFORE the wedding date, mind you) he promptly began an affair with a married, mormon coworker of ours(with children, mind you)…and has not only balled her all over town, but has had the indecency to actually take his fiance to watch this other woman’s choir performances. Religious hypocrisy at it’s absolute fucking best. Gross.

Now, HE was my original friend- not the sweet little fiance- so I suppose that the rule is that my loyalty stays with him. However, he has also recently stabbed ME in the back, having ruined my credit by missing payments on a loan that I took out for him (for an engagement ring for another fiance he previously and briefly had before this one). This guy has begun showing me and everyone else around him what bad news he is and frankly, I don’t want anything to do with him anymore- having been exposed to his foul mistreatment of the people nearest to him and the revolting charade of his so called religious values has become too much for me to put up with.

So.
Here comes the question.
Is it enough for me to excuse myself from and refuse to be a part of his lies, ugliness and the entire disgusting situation… or is it my duty/responsibility to inform and warn this sweet, naive girl before she marries this selfish piece of shit? Is it any of my business?

The infidelity isn’t any of your business, but the loan sure as hell is.

You should definitely cut this guy out of your life, but not without first protecting yourself financially. He fucked up your credit once. You’re a fool if you think it won’t happen again. Let him know that you’re done being his cosigner, and insist that he repay the loan in full immediately.

If he gives you one ounce of shit, remind him how much you know about his infidelity. Make sure he knows that you’ll fuck up his whole world if he doesn’t pay off the loan.

If this seems too calculating for your tastes, I should remind you that if you expose his infidelity out of some misplaced sense of chivalry without first using it as leverage to protect your interests, he’ll stop making payments on that ring just to fuck with you. He’s that kind of asshole.

Your duty here is to yourself, not some bible-thumping babe in the woods.

Settle all business with this jerk and just move on.

What’s the best way to deal with mixed signals? I’ve been getting jerked around by this girl. She’ll hook up with me, everything will be great, then we’ll go out again and she’ll shoot me down, then tell me a week later about the guy she fucked, then start the process again. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, self-respect, etc, but she’s the type where she loves the idea that she’s getting to me. She’s one of those fucked up always feels like she has to win even when no one else is playing. I see this girl almost every day, too, for work/school purposes. I’m thinking the gradual fade out, but I really love the idea of telling her to stop with the bullshit and the games. The thing is, does anything good ever come of that? I feel like by showing that it’s getting to me and getting worked up about, I’m coming off like a pussy, and she won’t respect that.

Mixed signals? You mean mind games. There’s a big difference.

It sounds like your girl has something to prove. Not to you, by the way. You’re disposable. It’s nothing personal. I guarantee she thinks that about everyone but daddy.

She’s used to having boys wrapped around her finger. Fine. You seem to know that. Now the trick is not giving a shit. Get her out from under your skin. Girls like her are toxic. If you start trying to beat her at those mind games it will turn you into an asshole. She’s not worth it, I promise.

If it makes it any easier, just remember that it doesn’t matter what you do. She’s never going to respect you, so don’t bother trying to earn any.