Best-Of Advice

On prince charming disease

first of all, i love this blog. you are absolutely the slap in the face that everyone needs, and i mean that in the best possible way. on that note, slap me in the face. i have a very frustrating tendency to write men off for no specific reason. i enjoy the chase, but once they start actually paying attention to me i get freaked out. they say nice things and i don’t smile, i roll my eyes. they want to see me and i don’t reciprocate, i’m “being smothered”. etc. etc. i know it’s not normal, and i’m aware that i’m doing it, but i can’t seem to stop. it’s cost me a couple of potentially-great relationships. i’m trying to just suck it up and get over it, but i feel like i always look for (and manage to find) something that will talk me out of being with basically anyone. any words of advice?

Nope. You’re fucked.

You’ve got Prince Charming disease. It’s a combination of attention deficit disorder, low grade narcissism, a youthful expectation of romantic perfection, and a healthy dose of self-esteem issues on your part.

I can’t talk you out of this kind of immaturity. You’ve got to battle this one on your own. The good news is that at least you’re self aware. That’s the first step.

Next, you need to realize in your heart of hearts that you are worthy of actual love. That will help dampen the fight-or-flight response that kicks in when a man shows you genuine affection.

Finally, you need to plow through enough guys to realize that they’re all basically the same. That way, when you find a good one, not only will you be able to spot him, but you’ll also be comfortable in the knowledge that nothing better is waiting around the corner on a white horse.

Consider yourself slapped.

Best of luck.

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Advice

On the little things.

I’m sixteen, and I’m not a normal teenager.

I do my homework on time, I’m not a complete ho, I don’t drink, and my parents trust me. I’m not fat, and I’m not disgusting to look at.

But not ONE guy has ever liked me. They look at my friends, but not me. What can I do about it?

Yeah. You are just a normal teenager. Sorry to burst your bubble there, little miss special snowflake.

The good news is that some boy out there definitely has a crush on you. You just can’t tell because you’re busy paying too much attention to who’s checking out your friends.

My advice? Make eye contact and smile. All the time. Do it with everyone. It doesn’t seem like much, but I promise it will change your whole world.

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Advice

On daddy issues.

I’m a 22 year old female and I get off on being dominated by older men. Does this mean I have daddy issues?

This is a completely serious question which disturbs me so much I get nauseous from the thought of the two somehow being linked.

Getting off on being dominated by older men doesn’t mean you have daddy issues. Hell, it could just mean you like Sean Connery movies.

I’m wondering why you’re so disturbed, though. Are you nauseated from the thought of daddy issues because your dad actually crossed some boundaries with you? That’s a daddy issue.

If things are all good with your dad, and you’re merely grossed out when he pops into your head while you’re analyzing your sexuality, I’d say a few body shivers at that point are perfectly fucking normal.

No need to freak out.

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Advice

On the drunk driving thing again.

“Hey Coke Talk Woman. You’re awesome. I really like what you do — even if you turn out to be a fake, your advice and opinions on sex, drugs and a lot of other stuff is pretty rational, well-considered, and fucking hilarious. Likewise, you look like you really considered this topic as well. But, respectfully, I think you’re wrong…”

[Continued. Click here for essdogg’s full rebuttal.]

Hey Essdogg. Thank you for thinking I’m awesome. I genuinely appreciate that you like what I do. I dig your vibe as well. Your arguments are cogent, rational, and backed up with legit statistics.

Quite frankly, I couldn’t agree more with your rebuttal to my drunk driving post. We’re completely on the same page. If that seems contradictory, it’s probably because you think I’m somehow endorsing my actions. I’m not.

None of what I wrote was a defense for my irresponsible behavior, just an admission of it. I was giving reasons, not excuses. It’s a subtle difference, but again, it’s all about personal accountability.

I know damn well that what I did was wrong. I’m not claiming moral high ground. I’m just being brutally honest about some of the stupid shit I’ve done.

Honestly, the drunk driving post has been bugging me all day. I’ve noticed a few folks have taken it as affirmation for their own stupid behavior, and that really fucks with my head. I’m still getting used to the fact that a shit ton of people are reading this thing now, and most of them aren’t operating at my level.

I suppose it’s wise to remind everyone once in a while that I’m just a shallow coke whore who talks shit on the internet. Sure, I’ve got more brains than the average party girl, but I’m in no way a fucking role model.

I don’t want anybody justifying ignorant shit just because I’ve gotten away with it once or twice. Swim at your own risk, kids. There’s no lifeguard at this hot tub.

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Advice

On sugar babies.

Okay, my friend and I (we’re both freshman in college) had this crazy idea one day that we would find Sugar Daddies and that would be the end of all our financial worries. With that, we started on a quest to find them and came across a website that seeks to arrange Sugar Daddy/Sugar Baby relationships. Naively, we didn’t think that Sugar Daddies were all about sex but we have quickly discovered Sugar Babies are really just discreet, well-paid part-time prostitutes. We’ve both gotten tons of offers to be pampered and spoiled by some middle-age businessman in exchange for occasional sex and “companionship” (whatever that means). My friend thinks it could be fun, having one Sugar Daddy and putting out for him in exchange for thousands of dollars. But I’m very hesitant to do such a thing, even though the money is tempting. What do you think? How do I go about doing such a thing without losing my dignity or becoming emotionally involved (even though that’s very likely)? Is that even possible?

Naively. Yep, you nailed it. That word pretty much sums up your whole world.

What do you want me to tell you, kiddo? Sugar daddies aren’t benevolent father figures who want to pay your tuition and listen to you talk about your day. They’re rich old men who want to fuck.

Oh, and call yourself what you like, but all prostitutes are discreet, well paid, and part-time. If they were careless, unpaid, and full-time they’d be called wives *badum-CHING*.

I suppose there’s an innocent charm to the term “sugar babies,” but it doesn’t change the fact that you and your friend will be whoring yourselves out for cash and shiny objects.

If that brutal truth is too much to handle, then wish your friend the best and back away from this idea. You can’t afford to have any illusions if you’re gonna do stuff like this. You will be prostituting yourself. That’s fine. Really, I’m not judging, but everybody else will. Count on it.

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Advice

On drunk driving.

So, I was reading some of your coketalk blog archives, and some of your old tweets (I’ve got a serious case of insomnia and my netflix instant watch is on the fritz, don’t judge.)

Anyway, I noticed that you seem to occasionally participate in driving while intoxicated, and that floored me because I thought you were a cool chick who knew how to party smart. What gives? What are your thoughts on drunk driving?

No judgment. I’m still awake too, and I’m happy to come in third against sleep and shitty movies.

Before I launch into my thoughts on drunk driving, first let’s take a deep breath and put on our critical thinking hats.

This is one of those topics on which we’re all programmed to give an instant and negative knee-jerk response. It’s true. Those M.A.D.D. bitches know how to organize, and they get us early.

It was just last year that everyone in California was filled with righteous indignation when driving on the phone was outlawed. Could you imagine the same reaction to drunk driving? Of course not, but basically there’s no difference.

Strip it down to the bare essentials, and driving while intoxicated is no more morally complicated than driving while texting, or driving while putting on make-up, or driving while eating a fucking Big Mac.

The reason why you’re impaired shouldn’t matter, but culturally it does. Drunk driving has an extra thick patina of shame in our society. Fine. Whatever.

I’m not saying they’re wrong. I’m just saying that nothing is ever black and white, the current DUI laws are bullshit, and there is a time and place for everything.

So yeah. I’m not pro-drunk driving, but the world is full of necessary evils, and this is fucking Los Angeles. Our taxi service is shit. Our public transportation is non-existant. Our sheer square mileage is staggering.

Fuck it. As horrible as it may sound, I’m not gonna bullshit. Sometimes you have to drive your own car when you know you probably shouldn’t.

It’s never a good idea, but anyone who’s honest will admit that there’s a difference between stupidly getting behind the wheel all sloppy and shit-faced and the the hyper-vigilant, supremely cautious style of driving one does when trying to make it home despite the likelihood of being a bit over the legal limit.

I never drive shit-faced. Ever. I never let my friends drive shit-faced. Ever. If you’re slurring your words, then just lock the doors, curl up in the back seat, and take a nap.

Am I saying it’s okay to drive drunk? Fuck no. Am I admitting to risking it once or twice? Okay, yeah. Feel free to cast the first stone if that’s your thing. Life is full of calculated risks. I’m big on personal accountability, even in the face of irresponsibility. If I can’t pull my shit together, I don’t risk it. That’s just me.

There. Did I equivocate enough for you?

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Advice

On overweight confidence.

Are you overweight? You are constantly talking about food,and your drive thru choices, and yet NEVER about working out. I am overweight and would like some of your confidance…where do I start?

Nope. Sorry. Not overweight.

I don’t remember ever talking about drive thru choices, but if you say I did, okay. I think what you choose to glean as relevant from my writing speaks more about your habits than mine.

For me, going to the gym falls into the same category as going to work. I prefer not to write either because they’re boring and might otherwise divulge identifying information.

As for being overweight and confident, I suggest you start by being either a black woman or Beth Ditto. If that doesn’t work, try not giving a fuck with an eye towards being healthy.

Best of luck.

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Advice

On just asking for it.

I just started sleeping with this new guy, and I can’t tell how kinky he is quite yet. I’m the kind of girl that likes a little ass-slapping and hair-pulling. How should I tell him without freaking him out?

Next time you’re fucking, just look over your shoulder, make a little eye contact, and growl, “pull my hair, motherfucker!”

It’s always works for me.

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On strap-on diplomacy.

Hey there, I’m writing to settle a dispute.

My girlfriend and I (we’re lesbians) have recently considered playing with a strap-on. She mentioned that she had one that she and an ex had bought together, but since my girlfriend paid for it, she kept it. I’m weirded out by using a strap-on she used on another girl! My girlfriend thinks that’s nonsense. What do you think, to reuse or buy new?

Okay. This is basic sex toy etiquette. If your partner is uncomfortable with a particular sex toy for any reason, don’t use it. Emotional discomfort is just as valid as physical discomfort. If the strap-on bothers you, she doesn’t get to fuck you with it. It’s that simple.

That being said, your girlfriend isn’t obligated to get rid of her old toy. All she has to do is downgrade it to souvenir status and stick it in a drawer. Common courtesy also dictates that since you’re the one who’s being picky, you’re the one who buys the new strap-on.

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On choosing wisely.

Is it better to have my first time with someone that I (might) love or a friend?

This is like asking if it’s better to have a peanut butter and jelly or a ham sandwich. They are both equally good, but at any given moment, one of them is clearly the better choice.

I have no way of knowing whether you’re in a PB&J situation or if you need something with a little meat. Whichever you decide, you’ll instantly know the second you take your first bite.

This is what happens when I answer questions after skipping lunch.

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