Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

My dad is approaching retirement and has just started grasping the idea of his white privilege and the need for action on racial equity. Any book recommendations to get him from “dipping a toe in” to “fully involved”?
Maybe start him off with The Heart of Whiteness by Robert Jensen. (I haven’t read it, but I’ve read Jensen’s other book Getting Off, and his writing is very easy to digest. Plus, he’s a white guy, so it’ll probably be an easier fit for your dad.)

How do I end this 9 year relationship?
Start with two words: “It’s over.” Then make your arrangements, gather your things, and leave.

I know what the answer to my problem is but I don’t want to follow through. Tell me to stop being a pussy.
No.

Is it possible for a belly button ring to be classy?
Yes, but probably not how you mean it. (If you’re contemplating a piercing and this is your concern, it’s best to just not go there.)

A while back you wrote about the significance of women changing their hair, so I was curious: is there a reason a friend of mine (early 60s) has had the exact same bottle blonde bob for 30+ years?
Yes. Something happened around the time she turned thirty that caused her to stop growing as a person.

Why am I having so much difficulty accepting my bisexuality?
Because you’re feeling either guilt or shame. When you figure out which it is, relief will come from either forgiveness or acceptance.

When I read all the bullshit power dynamics and shenanigans that the women who write you deal with I really don’t understand why I can’t find someone. I’m not saying I am without issue; but Jesus fucking Christ I have respect and integrity.
Well yeah, it’s easy to find someone you don’t respect if you’re a person without integrity. That’s what it means to be a predator. By all means, have respect and integrity, but quit with the whining. Getting it right isn’t supposed to be easy.

I’m Armenian. Does that mean I’m a “person of color?” I’m so confused.
Nope, not in America. When it comes to race, you gotta check the box that says “white,” although you should feel free to write in “Armenian” as your ethnicity.

I hate Kanye West.
Yeah, that’s wasted energy. Consider ignoring Kanye and hating celebrity culture and wealth inequality instead.

Do you ever reply to people who leave you their email?
All the time.

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Thoughts

On John Kasich

Can you please unpack Kasich and why he is good/bad? Sure, I would be very happy with either Sanders or Clinton, but out of all of the Republicans, Kasich seems best. Would it be that bad if he won? (Again, I am SUPER Bernie and also believe that Hillary would do great things, but Kasich seems like a Libertarian-leaning moderate.)

 

Kasich is terrifying because he’s the only candidate who could beat Hillary. Trump is a distraction, Cruz is too galvanizing, and Rubio is a child, but John Kasich is that special blend of unassuming, unoffending, classically bland Presidential white guy that could beat Hillary Clinton by boring enough Democratic-leaning voters into staying home on election day.

That’s why I think he’ll be the inevitable Republican nominee. Sure, I could be wrong, but at the end of the day, Republicans don’t fuck around when it comes to money and elections, and nobody seems to have noticed, but Kasich also happens to be the living embodiment of Wall Street.

Everyone thinks Trump is the fat-cat big-business candidate. He’s not. He’s just a clown with money. Kasich is the true capitalist. He’s a former banker, former Chairman of the House Budget Committee, and a former managing director at Lehman Brothers. He also happens to be a popular Governor of a swing state, and he’s been quietly waiting for primary season to swoop in and save the party from itself.

He only seems moderate because he’s standing next to raving lunatics. He only seems palatable because we expect so little from a Republican presidential candidate. The man’s banality is his secret weapon, and it’s dangerous. The guy is a major fucking threat for the very reason you asked the question, “Would it be that bad if he won?”

Yes. It would.

Don’t kid yourself. A Kasich presidency is a win for the American plutocracy and a loss for the common American.

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Advice

On being brainwashed by a creep

He wants separate bedrooms once we move in together. He thinks it will prevent our relationship from falling victim to routine and boredom that slowly kills every long-term relationship and that separate bedrooms would help “keep the fire burning” by making us “miss each other”. Sex and intimacy as well as private space are important to us both so I understand what he’s afraid of but just the thought of this “solution” makes me feel rejected, unwanted and scared of potentially being treated instrumentally (come on, he wouldn’t bother to come over only to have a chat or give me a hug). I’ve told him this and given him alternatives but his idea of compromise is trying it at least for a while anyway. Is his way the way to go? Am I overreacting? I feel like I should recognize the superiority of his rationale and suppress my emotional needs because he’s older, more experienced and generally more “fixed” in his bachelor way of living… Should I?

 

Wait, what? You feel like you should recognize his superiority? You feel you should suppress your emotional needs? Fuck you. You should be ashamed of yourself for even typing that. Seriously, fuck you. You don’t even deserve my advice, but I’m so pissed at your manipulative piece of shit wannabe cult-leader of a boyfriend that I’m gonna throw you a bone.

Here’s my only advice: RUN FOR THE FUCKING HILLS. I’m dead serious. End the relationship immediately and walk straight into the nearest therapist’s office for some deprogramming. Try not to pass by any Scientology buildings on your way there.

Honestly, this whole situation has more red flags than the opening ceremony of the Chinese Olympics. Do you even hear yourself? An older “superior” man “fixed in his bachelor ways” tries to sell you on a roommate style living situation to “keep the fires burning,” and despite every fiber of your being screaming at you that this is all wrong, you feel compelled to follow along and “suppress your needs” because he’s “more experienced.”

Do you have any idea how creepy that all sounds? You’re basically agreeing to be a live-in fuck toy, unworthy of entering the master’s bedchamber unless you’re attending to his needs. Take a step back and realize how far you’ve strayed from your true self. Maybe you’ll start to notice how much you’re being exploited.

This selfish conniving manchild has managed to wash whatever brains you have, but there’s still some deep-down instinctual part of you that knows this is all wrong. It’s that tiny little voice in the back of your head that won’t stop bugging you, even though everything you’ve been trained to think says you’re overreacting. You are not overreacting. You’ve barely even begun to react.

Please, listen to that tiny voice. It’s on your side. It’s desperately clinging to your best interests, and one day it will save your life.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Favorite, realistic replacement for Scalia?
Kamala Harris

Do you find it difficult to be bombarded with so many people’s pain, ignorance and confusion?
No way. Are you kidding? I have a magical vault of a hundred thousand secrets.

You have great taste and an eye for quality, so I’m super curious: what sex toys would you recommend?
The ones that make you cum.

My little sister (17) is going through her first breakup and is devastated. Can you give me a pearl of wisdom to pass on?
Tell her to enjoy the devastation. She’ll never get to feel this kind of pain for the first time ever again. This is a special moment in her life. It’s important, and she should savor it. I’m almost envious of her. Not even joking.

He told me that fucking me was like fucking an animal.
I mean sure, that sort of a compliment, but you might wanna ask what animals he’s been fucking. Either that or just politely teach him the word “animalistic.”

I’m a girl who’s being desensitized by the porn I watch. I can’t really have an orgasm without it. Can I fix that by not watching porn anymore? Please, just some quick advice.
Yes. You have to totally abstain from all porn. That’s the only way to fix it. It takes time, and it will be incredibly frustrating, but if you want the ability to orgasm with an actual human being totally unaided by porn, that’s what you gotta do.

How do you get over a hardcore crush that is at least 85% projection and born of loneliness and boredom? I KNOW that’s why I have these feelings but it doesn’t make them any less intense and I want them to go away. This is really fucking with me.
Find something else to do with your time. I’m not being trite. That’s really what has to happen.

Jesus was way more radical than Bernie Sanders.
Yeah, but Bernie Sanders actually exists.

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Best-Of Advice

On a fucked-out cliché

There’s an asshole who doesn’t give a shit about me except for when we’re fucking, who I’m a little bit in love with. And then there’s the super nice guy who cares for me a lot, who I don’t feel anything for. Help me break out of this, Coquette.

 

I can’t do shit for you if these are the choices you bring me. Have some fucking self respect and get rid of them both. Go be something other than a fucked-out cliché from the first act of every teen romantic comedy.

I mean, how hard is this? Once you’ve established that a guy is an asshole, stop fucking him and move on. Once you’ve established that you’re never gonna have feelings for a guy who’s romantically into you, set firm boundaries and don’t lead him on.

It’s bad enough to get either one of those things wrong, but to fuck up both at the same time and then bring it to me like it’s some kind of dichotomy? Honestly, get your shit together.

Don’t act like you’re trapped between anything here. You created this triangle, and you maintain it for a reason. You can walk away from it any time you want, but you get something out of it, so don’t come whining to me like it’s beyond your control.

This is some silly girl shit. Start acting like a woman and handle your fucking business.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Am I shit person for saying “Yaaaaaaaaasssss” when I heard that Scalia died? I feel like I should at least wait until his body is cold but I’m so fucking happy he’s gone.
Nope. Fuck that guy. Fuck him right in his fat dead face.

My cousin said the same thing about Obama nominating himself on facebook at almost the same moment you said it on twitter. I like how this is something many people are considering.
It’s a silly fantasy, but one I enjoy pondering.

I have a ton of anger about being female and I don’t know what to do about it.
Reframe the way you think. You don’t have a ton of anger about being female. You have a ton of anger about living in a patriarchal society. That way, instead of your anger manifesting as internalized misogyny, it will manifest as externalized defiance.

“There was an officer safety risk preceding the shooting of Tamir Rice, and for that reason, his shooting was justified.” For or against this position?
Radically against.

Please tell me it gets better.
Sometimes it does. Mostly it just changes.

Is 30 still young?
Relative to what?

Nobody believes I can do it. Are they right?
Are you nobody?

Is it possible to be an extrovert with social anxiety? I think I’ve been mislabeling myself “introvert” my whole life.
Of course it’s possible. Then again, people ascribe way too much value to being labeled extrovert or introvert. It’s not a binary, and where you fall on the spectrum can change depending on your phase of life. Worry less about the label and focus more on dealing with your anxiety.

I don’t have enough worth/self-value to demand the things I actually need out of my relationships. “Know yourself know your worth” is easier said than done. Give me a mantra or a first step or SOMETHING to get started, O Wise One?
People think self-worth is some kind of armor that you wear on the inside that strengthens you. It’s not. Self-worth is an active process. The reason it’s easier said than done is because it requires that you actually do something. Self-worth is the very act of demanding your needs, and it’s your willingness to walk the fuck away. Self-worth is expecting rather than needing. It is your convictions firmly held

With all of this new posting, any chance we could get a style blog revival? Even a mini series would be nice…
I’m not going to revive the style blog. Managing three blogs while having a career and a life was an absurd amount work. I’ve integrated some of the old style stuff on my personal blog, and I might add some new style stuff, but we’ll see.

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Advice

On putting your engagement on hold

Please give me some words.

I am engaged to my partner of 5.5 years. When he asked me, I said yes because I was scared of what would happen to us if I said no again. (He asked me early in our relationship fyi and at that time, I said no).

He’s my best friend in the whole world and we have a good time together.

But I’m in emotional turmoil now. I have overwhelming feelings for a guy I work with (who is married). We went on a night out together and flirted outrageously all night.

I have all the signs of severe crushing; butterflies in my stomach when I see him, heart racing, loss of appetite, trouble sleeping etc.

I don’t want this to be something though. I love my fiancé and I want this to work. I’m scared I’m lying to myself about getting married. But on the other hand I’m scared of sacrificing our happiness for a stupid crush which will never amount to anything.

Help me please. I can’t talk to anyone about this and it’s eating me up.

 

Put your engagement on hold. Give your fiancé back the engagement ring. Tell him to hold on to it for you, just for a while, and that you will ask for it back when you are ready.

It will be a difficult conversation, but you need to do it. One of two things will happen. He will understand and agree and your relationship will continue, or it will precipitate the end of the relationship. (Whichever happens is what needs to happen.)

If it precipitates the end of the relationship, so be it. Let it end. It’s okay, and it was probably inevitable anyway.

Now, if he agrees to put the engagement on hold and keeps the ring for you, see how that feels. At first it will be a great relief, but sit with it for a while. Wait for the next set of emotions to reveal themselves. That’s when you’ll know what to do. In the meantime, don’t have an affair with your office crush. Trust me. Once you’re off the hook for the engagement, the work crush will spike for a hot minute but then it will suddenly begin to evaporate, because the crush itself is really just a manifestation of your anxiety about getting married.

I’m not saying the crush isn’t real. It is, but it’s also your subconscious’s way of screaming at you that you’re not ready to get married to your fiancé. Once the engagement pressure is off, the crush will no longer have a purpose to serve, and it will quickly seem frivolous. (Unless you indulge in it, in which case, you’ll be making a major fuck-up.)

Let me be clear. I’m not suggesting you put your engagement on hold because you have an office crush. I’m suggesting you put your engagement on hold because as much as you love him, you don’t want to be married to your fiancé (yet?). You’ve got so much denial and cognitive dissonance going on that the crush is really just a symptom of a brutal truth that you weren’t quite ready to face until right this moment.

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Thoughts

On knowing stuff

How do you know so much about so many things? I mean, come on, physics, relationships, history, neuroscience, pop culture, international politics, philosophy, economics, spirituality, literature… basically everything! How the fuck do you do that?

 

The thing I wonder is why doesn’t everybody else? There is so much amazing stuff out there worth knowing, and it’s so much fun to soak it all up.

Let me be the first to say that I am not an expert in any of those subjects. I’m merely fluent in them. I’m a mile wide and an inch deep (maybe a few inches), but that’s all it takes, and the best part is that once you start accumulating subjects, you start to see how they’re all connected. They all intersect.

That’s my trick, by the way. That’s why it seems like I know so much, because I recognize how physics connects with pop culture or neuroscience connects with spirituality or politics connects with history or literature connects with philosophy.

That’s really all I’m doing, just making connections between subjects. I mean, sure. You have to love reading and totally nerd the fuck out sometimes, but it’s so worth it. Once I’m interested in a subject I get voracious. My face is constantly exploding from all the new shit that occurs to me.

Seriously, you should try it. Once you start seeing the patterns that connect everything, it’s fucking magical.

 

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Thoughts

On therapy

Why do people need therapy?

Asked in a weird general way because I get it’s deeply personal, and my therapist asked in our consultation like I should know what I want from the experience before I’ve had it.

Maybe I’m jaded by my experiences so far but keeping the bar low and seeing what they’re offering is fair, right?

 

Okay. I’ve noticed some interesting changes in the past couple months. Not only do I have a shit ton of new readers, but I’m getting well over twice the number of submissions.

This is a wonderful thing to watch happen, but there has also been a rather fascinating trend as of late. For whatever reason, I’m suddenly getting an overwhelming number of questions that relate directly to therapy.

I’ve gotten a huge spike in people who are in therapy asking for my opinion about something specific to their treatment. I’ve also gotten a massive spike in questions from people who are considering therapy and want to know whether they should try it, how it works, and what to expect. I’ve also gotten a tremendous spike in the kinds of questions that are very serious where the only responsible answer I can give is, “you should really talk to a therapist.”

I can’t explain this phenomenon, but at the same time, I can no longer ignore it, and I feel like I need to put this out there: I am not a psychologist.

I have tons of thoughtful opinions and personal knowledge about therapy, and I certainly know more about the process than the average person, but that’s all I have to offer you. When it comes to serious questions that need to be addressed by a mental health care professional, the best I can do is point you to the nearest mental health care professional.

I welcome all your therapy related questions, and I’ll always give you my thoughts and opinions, but please don’t ever construe that as professional medical advice.

Okay, that being said, the question here is, “Why do people need therapy?” The simplest answer is that good therapy can provide life-changing insights into who you are as a person that have a dramatic and positive impact on your relationships, your patterns of behavior, and ultimately your well-being.

Good therapy improves the human condition. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. If every individual, couple, and family in America would spend an hour in therapy during the hour a week that they’d otherwise spend in church, this country would find itself ushering in a new age of enlightenment in less than a year.

Not that it’s possible, of course, but I really believe that.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I’m single this year. What should I get into on Valentine’s Day? I was thinking wine and budgeting, do you have any other suggestions?
One of the greatest parts about being single is not even having to acknowledge that ridiculous Hallmark holiday. I suggest you spend your weekend doing whatever the fuck you want.

Regarding the question about the guy who signed the card “always,” what does it mean when he signs it “much love”?
Oh, Valentines Day. You bring me so many sad and desperate questions. Okay, listen up. This answer applies to anyone asking about how he signed your stupid card: Any word other than “Love” means “Not Love.” Any word that mitigates “Love,” including “Much” or “With” means “Not Quite Love.” Any words that amplify “Love,” including “With Deepest,” “All My,” or “And Affection” means he’s either cheating on you or he’s a douche. (You all deserve this for participating in such a stupid ritual.)

Kasich, huh? Well you did call it. Do you think the sane outnumber the crazies in the GOP or has one of the two major political parties in this county completely lost its mind?
The crazies are only a vocal minority of the GOP, and when it comes to actually pulling the lever, GOP voters don’t fuck around. Trump was never going to get more than 25% of the lunatic fringe, everyone hates Cruz, Rubio is a child, Bush is a chump, and Kasich has been low-key presidential this whole time. Now that the primaries are here, Kasich is gonna pop. I said it last year, and I still stand by it.

Why do I want to know what celebrities’ vaginas look like?
It serves two purposes. One, it sexually arouses you. Two, in a culture that worships celebrity, it humanizes them in your eyes. (That’s me being gracious. I could also say it degrades them in your eyes, in which case you would be a creepy creeping creep. I’ll let you decide that for yourself.)

Do I need to talk to my boyfriend about my impossible crush on one of his best friends or should I just keep that shit to myself and wait for it to go away?
If you tell him, the triangle that forms will detonate your relationship, which was most likely your subconscious plan all along. You’re asking me whether to push the self-destruct button on your relationship, and that’s not my decision. It’s yours, but you should at least know what it is that you’re really doing.

Can you explain more about EMDR? My doctor suggested it could help me, and everything she said sounded a little freaky-deaky, tbh.
It sounds a little freaky-deaky because the human brain is, in fact, a little freaky-deaky. Google that shit. It’s real science. It really works.

Why am I attracted to older men who are in positions of power over me? Is it because my dad is super old?
It’s not just because your dad is super old. It’s also because your mom is much younger. That’s the dynamic you learned. That’s the pattern you’re repeating.

Why does everyone suddenly hate feminism? Do we need to find a better word to describe ourselves?
I don’t accept the premise of your first question, and the answer to your second question is fuck no.

people need to learn 50% of lifestyle is attitude. (the rest is opportunity.)
Preach. (But opportunity is privilege. Never forget that.)

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