On fun-sized advice

Marriage is supposed to be “until death do you part.” Well, what about if your partner is chronically depressed and not attempting to better the situation without your relentless urging for a which he resents the shit out of you?
The only thing that’s really “until death do you part” is your actual life, and that shit is too short to spend with someone who makes you miserable.

We’re long distance. He’s depressed. He alternates between saying if I want an out, to take it now and that I am what keeps him alive. Do I stay to make sure he’s okay while he tries to get better or end it for my own sanity?
You knew this would happen, so quick dicking around. If you want out, get out. Sounds like he needs to build a new support system wherever he is now anyway.

I keep thinking there has to be more to life than this, but I don’t know what it is or how to find it.
Nah, there isn’t more to life than this. Stop looking for something that doesn’t exist and go do something you enjoy with the time that you have.

What if we end up with another Bush as president?
If it would keep Jon Stewart hosting the Daily Show for four more years, it would almost be worth it. Almost.

I’m in love with a married man. Please remind me how big of a piece of shit I am so I can move on from this toxic situation…
You can’t help who you fall in love with, and you’re not a piece of shit unless you have an actual affair with the guy. Quit punishing yourself. Forgive yourself instead.

I love that in your 2010 posts you talk about guys at the club wearing Affliction, meanwhile in my dismal little corner of Ohio in the year of our lord 2015 this is still how every man I see on a daily basis dresses.
Move.

The Hall of anti-fame is now the best of Dear Coquette. I’m puzzled. Did you get tired of people asking you why you named it that ?
I just felt like changing it.

Are you an introvert or an extrovert?
I’m an introvert. (I’m great at parties, but my default setting is pleasurable solitude, and the stuff going on in my head is almost always more interesting than the stuff going on in front of me.)

Advice

On being too dumb to carry a gun

I recently had to deal with a socially conservative asshole who essentially made this point:

Now that gay marriage has to be recognized in all 50 states, my concealed handgun license that was only recognized by 36 states must now be recognized by all 50 states as well. That “now, no state has the right to infringe upon my Second Amendment right. If the violation of federalism works ok for LGBTs — then it works well for gun owners. I can’t wait to see how the gun-hating liberals try to get themselves out of this one.”

Please tell me what the fuck I can say to this person to shut them down, in the most Coke-tastic way possible.

I don’t know what this idiot means by a “violation of federalism,” but he’s misinterpreting the effects of the Full Faith and Credit Clause for the simple reason that sexual orientation is a protected class, whereas gun ownership is not, nor should it be. Guns may be a part of this douchebag’s identity, but owning them is still just a consumer preference, and not at all worthy of special consideration under Federal anti-discrimination law.

What he doesn’t seem to understand is that it’s perfectly fine for states to have different laws and regulations that apply equally to everyone. New York can have different speed limits than Utah. A medical board in Vermont can have different requirements than a medical board in Iowa. California can have different gun laws than Texas. On the other hand, Utah can’t have different speed limits for women. The medical board in Iowa can’t have different requirements for black people, and Texas can’t have gun laws that only apply to homosexuals.

This whiny asshole could legitimately claim to be a victim of discrimination if he were denied a conceal carry permit based upon his age, race, gender, religious affiliation, or sexual orientation, but that’s not the case. He’s just doesn’t like the fact that 14 states don’t honor the multi-state conceal carry permit for anyone, regardless of their age, race, gender, religious affiliation, or sexual orientation.

Advice

On consent and small-mindedness

In your two most recent Fun Sized Advice blurbs, you gave one woman the advice that “if you don’t wanna take it up the ass, don’t fucking take it up the ass,” then you gave another woman the advice that her husband not wanting a vibrator in bed is just a sign of a “small minded man with a fragile ego.” The implication of the first one was that people shouldn’t have to do stuff in bed if they aren’t comfortable, and the implication of the second was that the guy should just put his feelings aside and do it.

Why is it okay for one to be an assertion of consent for things done in the bedroom, and the other is just a small-mind thing?

The implication isn’t that the guy should put his feelings aside and do it. The implication is that he’s a small-minded man with a fragile ego. He still has every right to say no to pleasing his wife with a vibrator, but it’s a bit ridiculous for you to compare that kind of ineffectual selfishness with pressuring your girlfriend into having anal sex against her will.

And just to be clear, if the wife had been complaining that her husband refused to take a vibrator up his own ass, I would have given both women the exact same advice. Instead, she was complaining that her husband refused to use a vibrator on her. Surely you see the difference with regard to issues of consent and bodily autonomy.

Please tell me you’re not confused about the obvious distinction here. Please tell me you’re just a douche playing a game of devil’s advocate with this passive-tense question of false equivalence, and you’re not some self-absorbed narcissist who can only frame an argument from the perspective of your own needs.

Advice

On fonts and features

Why the serif font? It works well in headlines; it reads not so well on a screen. Just curious and readjusting to the new platform. BTW, you handled the transition very well.

Thank you. The theme came with these fonts out of the box, and my primary concern was just getting the site up an running again.

If you’ve got an eye for this sort of thing, feel free to leave a comment. I’m totally open to any font suggestions, feature requests, or notes on the user interface.

Now’s the time to make changes while it’s all still fresh.

Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun-sized advice

If a guy cheats on you once, why does it mean he’ll cheat again? What if he learns his mistake and regrets it?
Regret is a very poor indicator of whether someone will repeat the same mistake. When it comes to behavior, look for patterns, not promises.

She cheated on me a year ago. We broke up. She begged me to get back together. We did. Why? Because I’ve fucked up in the past and I believe in second chances. We are doing okay and 95% of the time I trust her. Why can’t I get rid of that last 5%?
Because she cheated on you a year ago.

I just got the test results back, I have herpes. What next?
Valtrex and awkward conversations.

My husband of six years is wonderful. But, our sex life is a tad boring. He won’t use a vibrator on me in bed because he says it’s emasculating. Is it?
Only to a small-minded man with a fragile ego. If he thinks a sex toy is emasculating, wait until you tell him he’s boring in bed.

What will make me feel less lonely when I get home? The drugs aren’t working.
Connect with other humans. That’s the only thing that will work.

What’s the protocol on sending an ex an email? Is the answer just don’t do it?
If you’re having even the least bit of doubt, definitely don’t do it.

I started making my bed but I either get back in it or I lie on it. What do I do now?
Get a decorative pillow that “locks” you out of bed. In other words, make a personal rule that bed is not made if the pillow is not on the bed, and if the pillow is on the bed, you are not allowed to lay in it.

I just work up from a dream where Ben Affleck was fucking me from behind while we watched porn. What does it all mean?!
It means this new Batman movie is gonna suck.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

He cheated on me and we’re trying to make it work, but it’s just not the same anymore. Will it ever be okay?
Sure it will, just not with him.

Will you please comment on the recent media interest in and admiration of the dad bod?
The “dad bod” media trend is just the highly-processed residue left behind after the deeper trend of body positivism was sanitized for mainstream white male consumption.

We’ve been together for 8 months. He wants to have anal. I have never felt comfortable with the idea and really do not want it. Do I give in for him, or stand my ground. I feel so silly asking this.
Whether it’s been 8 months or 8 years, if you don’t wanna take it up the ass, don’t fucking take it up the ass.

Is it possible to overcome the fear of death, or at least not think about it all the time? Or are we stuck with that part of our lizard brains?
That kind of abstract anxiety about death isn’t a part of the same parasympathetic fight-or-flight response that causes panic attacks. It’s your ego freaking out, not your lizard brain. If you’re having intrusive thoughts about death, I recommend working with a therapist to overcome them.

Every time my husband asks me to make him food, it fills me with rage. Is this normal? Or is this marriage?
It sounds like transference to me. You might wanna get a little introspective and figure out the source of all that rage.

Is becoming a sugar baby a bad idea?
Bad is a moral judgment, so I won’t say it’s bad, but if you have to ask, then becoming a sugar baby will probably have more negative consequences than positive ones.

Should I seriously consider becoming a Buddhist nun?
No.

I hate that I have to have my life figured by 22. Thanks, society.
Quit whining. You don’t ever have to have your life figured out. You just have to provide for yourself and behave like an adult.

Advice

On an eventful night

I went out drinking with some friends last night. It was eventful, and now I have the phone number of a very nice male stripper who is really into me. I looked him up on Facebook (because I couldn’t remember what he looked like), and it seems like he’s extremely conservative (like, I think he might be a GW Bush supporter). I do remember that he’s a good dancer, was respectful of my personal space, and helped me find my friends at the end of the night. Not even sure what my question is. What’s a good hangover food?

A good hangover food is the celery stalk that comes with a freshly made Bloody Mary.

Also, you should totally go on a date with the Republican stripper, if for no other reason than for the rest of your life you’ll be able to use the phrase, “that one time I dated a Republican stripper.”

Advice

On a quick comeback

Coquette, you have been such an incredible influence in my life over the past five years. I didn’t realize how much you meant until you were so rudely taken away. Your prose is so clear, crisp and cutting, it’s one of the most refreshing things on the internet. Like a lot of people, I used to troll old posts just to remind myself of some shit I needed to hear- not just your advice, but hearing about the experience of others or conversations your readers would get into. This was a feminist, humanist, intellectual space where people worked shit out and it was awesome to see.

Please keep writing, and if you can, share it. Though to be honest I’ll be just as happy if you publish shit and I have to go buy it. I would probably get more work done on my computer anyway. But yeah, thank you. You have changed a lot of people’s lives, probably more than you think. So many of us don’t find their real life Coke Talk until a lot of these shitty mistakes have already been made, and so many of us need to be reminded that we’re entitled to some fucking dignity. Thank you.

Nah, thank you. Thank all of you. I can’t even begin to tell you how much I’ve appreciated the kind words you guys have sent my way these past few days.

I’m not sure what my personal blogging plans are for the coming weeks and months, but I wanted to get Dear Coquette back up and running as quickly as possible. I don’t know how permanent this new version will be, but I think it’s a pretty decent emergency solution. The notes and comments are unfortunately lost, and some of the links within the text are probably broken, but almost all of the posts themselves were salvaged.

The good news is, my submission system never missed a beat. I still have every one of the hundreds of thousands of letters you’ve sent me over the years, and as long as you all keep sending them, I’ll keep answering them.

Thanks again, and be sure and subscribe for news and updates as I figure out what’s next.

Advice

On being terminated

WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOUR OTHER TUMBLR?? AH!

Tumblr terminated the coketalk account this morning. Again.

After the last time this happened, I made a separate backup account over at killcoketalk, but they deleted that too.

I’ll be blogging from notcoketalk until I figure out what’s next.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

I don’t want a diamond engagement ring. In fact, I think I just want an elegant band, but I can’t find the right one and I don’t really know where to look. You’re like my cool older sister with better taste – can you point me in the right direction?
I dunno, I kinda dig the political poetry in opting to wear a men’s wedding band as your engagement ring. Just pick your metal, and look for a classic band with a thin profile.

I fucked a guy with a wife and baby on the way. He just got married but he’s been living with the girl for more than 5 years. I don’t even know if I like him. It’s just I want – SO BADLY – for him to like me. It’s the lowest I have ever GONE. And I need some slaps in my face to snap out of it.
You know what you did was wrong, so let’s set aside your shitty behavior for a moment and help you recognize a deeper truth: The worst thing about you is that you believe you need to fuck a guy in order to get him to like you.

Smack dab in a love triangle. Love both people. No idea what to do, but leaning toward removing myself from the both of them until I at least get my shit together. Is that the right thing to do?
If your goal is to let the chips fall where they may, then personally, I’ve always found it’s much more fun to choose both than to choose neither.

Are you down with Edward Snowden?
Yes. I am down with Edward Snowden. (Will you please stop asking now? It’s been months, and this odd little question is starting to get creepy.)

Is honesty cruel when it boils down to “I am no longer sexually attracted to you”?
I can be. Cruelty isn’t a product of the honest words. It’s a product of how, when, and why you deliver them.

Sex with friends, without feelings, for shits and giggles: Good idea?
Sure, but be careful what you mean when you say “without feelings.”

What exactly is a player?
One who participates in the game.

How does one have a threesome with two gay men, as a girl, without being incredibly disappointing?
The same way you avoid disappointment in all things: adjust your expectations so that they align with reality.