Advice

On a small desperate person

You realize Michael Brown had just robbed a convenience store earlier that day, right?


Honey, no. Take a step back and analyze the things in your life that desperately need to be true in order for you to justify your belief system, because those are the things that define you.

You are defined by your need to call whatever might have happened at that convenience store a robbery. You are defined by your need to label Michael Brown a criminal. You are defined by your need to vindicate Darren Wilson in the brutal shooting death of an unarmed teenager.

These desperate things define you, and it’s pathetic, because I know you also think you’re making an important point, but all you’re really doing is revealing yourself to be smug, racist, and willfully ignorant piece of shit.

Now go sit in the corner of whatever small, sad room you occupy, and think about how little you matter.

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Best-Of Advice

On settling for a religion

I was agnostic for a period of 10 years or so. I have been dating a Christian for the past two years. He did not force his religion upon me at all or passive aggressively try and make me adopt it. I chose to explore it on my own to see what he believes. But because I have been exposed to it, I am starting to believe in God again and I am attracted to what Christians believe. Am I being brainwashed? Why do I feel manipulated into believing something? Should I hold myself back from further exploring it?

You’re not exploring. You’re settling. You’ve found a convenient belief system by way of a boyfriend, and you can’t be bothered to do any critical thinking because it’s all so easy.

You’re taking on Christianity like other women take on country music or college football. It’s just another thing you accept as part of your life because of the guy you’re currently fucking. You might even convince yourself you kind of like it, right up until the relationship ends. That’s when you come to your senses and wonder what in the hell you were thinking.

Admit to yourself that you’re not attracted to what Christians believe as much as you’re attracted to what your boyfriend believes. While you’re at it, stop being so spiritually lazy. If you want to call yourself an explorer, do some fucking exploring. Curiosity is an active pursuit, especially where fundamental belief systems are concerned.

Don’t just passively go to church. Use your rational mind and challenge your newfound religion. Learn all about its history, rituals, traditions, and beliefs. Study it. Hell, study all religion.

Put some fucking effort into your life choices.

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Best-Of Advice

On politics and punishment

Despite my numerous far-left political tendencies (I am a registered Democratic Socialist), I still think public hanging should be reinstated as a method of the death penalty.Does this make me nothing more than a chicken-shit centrist, or am I just overthinking?

A desire to reinstate public hanging doesn’t push you toward the political center. It pushes you back around toward the fringes where wingnut ideologies start to blend into a hazy purple of both far-left and far-right lunacy. In other words, you don’t sound like a chicken-shit centrist. You sound like a fucking fascist.

Democratic Socialism is all well and good, but not when coupled with a state powerful enough to perform barbaric death rituals as punishment for crimes. Government should exist to regulate, not punish.

As the systemic extension of the will of the people, government’s role should be broad, but its power should only extend as far as its benevolence. The death penalty is the institutionalized representation of the most abhorrent and inferior aspects of our human nature.

We are never lower as a people than when we allow the state to take murderous revenge on our behalf.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On angry white canadians

Canada’s legal system is not more just than the US. It only felt like that to the person who asked because they are white, not because everyone is white. Many Aboriginal people in Canada have about as shitty a time dealing with cops as black people do in the US.
Oh, you silly Canucks. Are you guys always this literal? Obviously not everyone in Canada is white. (But for the record, pointing out that your country is 1/16th Aboriginal only makes you guys sound more white.)

Canada is 66% white. Not all white.
According to the 2006 census, 127% of Canadians ethnically self-identify as English, French, Scottish, Irish, or German. I’m not making a point about Canada’s racial demographics. I’m making a point about statistics.

To the Canadian that thinks we have a justice system: We don’t. It’s just that our Michael Browns come in the form of missing and murdered first nations women. Also, we are all white only in the sense that we’re literally covered in snow.
Yes, you are right. (And hey, there’s that wacky sense of humor you Canadians are famous for.)


I grew up in Winnipeg, the murder and crime capital of Canada. Winnipeg has the highest concentration of urban Aboriginals in the country, one of the highest levels of poverty, and electric racial tension. Anyone who comes from Winnipeg is very well acquainted with what racism looks like, and we’re not blind to the evils of our system or the people who suffer because of it. We’re working on it.

Oh, racial tensions in Winnipeg have electricity now? Congratulations. Pretty soon they’ll have cable television and the internet. Keep working on it!

Only an ignorant American pig thinks all Canadians are white. We’re better than you, and it shows.
You need to relax. Go make some syrup or something.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On holiday fun-sized advice

What are your thoughts on the Grand Jury ruling on Darren Wilson?
At the very least, Robert McCulloch’s handling of the Wilson grand jury amounts to prosecutorial misconduct. Not only is Darren Wilson a murderer, but an entire statewide political machine is an accessory after the fact, and if federal officials bothered to investigate, they’d probably be able to make a conspiracy case all the way up to Governor Nixon’s office.

It makes me very sad that the US has a legal system instead of a justice system. I live in Canada and one of the only things that makes me want to stay here is that I legitimately believe we have a justice system instead of a legal system.
No, what you have in Canada is also a legal system. It feels like a justice system because all of you are white.
Please tell me one day justice will truly be served.
Don’t ask me to lie to you.

Can you explain why a woman should be bothered if a guy pays for “only” half an abortion? Aren’t both partners equally responsible?
Oh, both partners should be equal? Is the guy also undergoing the physical and emotional trauma of an invasive medical procedure on his reproductive organs? No, he isn’t, so fuck your simple-minded notion of equality. Paying for the abortion doesn’t even bring the guy close to being equal, but it’s a reasonable thing to expect under the usual circumstances. (Quite fucking frankly, the cost of an abortion doesn’t even come close to one month’s worth of child support, so the average guy should really just know to shut the fuck up lay down his credit card.)

My friend thinks that society isn’t run by men because women control sex and reproduction by selecting who to sleep with. Why is he wrong?
Tell your idiot friend that just because he isn’t getting laid whenever he wants, that doesn’t mean women control sex and reproduction. The patriarchy is built on social institutions whose fundamental purpose is to degrade and erase women’s sexual and reproductive agency.

A friend of mine (who I boned for a quick second) has a very agreeable arrangement with a sugar momma. They just invited me to have a threesome with them, for which I will be well paid. I’m definitely curious, but silencing that societally-conditioned voice in my head (the one that says having sex for money is WRONG) is difficult. Any advice?
Depends. Would you still have the threesome if they weren’t paying you?

People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.
You’re a brat and nobody wants to put up with your bullshit.

Why does it upset me so much that we’re born without a conscience?
Because it reminds you that the human condition is arbitrary, fragile, and impermanent.

Will everything be alright?
Nope. Happy Thanksgiving!

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Advice

On bill cosby

Do you think Bill Cosby will ever get in trouble for all the women he raped?

He is in trouble. Criminal penalties aren’t the only way society can make a man suffer consequences, and not every prison has bars. Bill Cosby will go down in history as a serial rapist. His reputation and legacy are destroyed. The fame he used to his advantage all these years is now the very thing that will torture him for the rest of his life.

His remaining days will be lived in a fish tank of celebrity exile, isolated yet permanently on display. He’ll have his fair share of supporters and apologists, but they’ll just be the usual assortment of the ignorant, malignant, and irrelevant. Nothing will stop this fresh wave of public opinion, and whatever soul he has left will be crushed by it.

Ultimately, this will be what kills him. Watch. Bill Cosby won’t make it through 2015, and when they show his face with that Pudding Pop smile during the death montage at the Academy Awards, they’ll be cutting away to shots of stern looking celebrities refusing to applaud.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

What’s the difference between trendy and modern?
Modern describes a period of time. Trendy describes a level of status.

Are we born with a conscience?
Nope. Our consciences (or lack thereof) emerge in early childhood and continue to develop well into adulthood.


As artists, do we lose our ability to be inspired (and are therefore less creative) as we age?

Ha! No. Your creative output isn’t tied to your youthful ability to be inspired. Quit being mystified by the process and do the fucking work.

Can you still watch porn and be a feminist?
Of course. You can star in porn and still be a feminist.

My boyfriend and I are seriously considering robbing a gas station or two. We’re desperate. Any advice/empathy/stuff?
Don’t be silly. A well planned residential burglary will net far more cash and fenceable goods with far less risk than any gas station robbery.

Any advice for a shit out of luck, confused, almost 21-year-old girl who is still trying to figure out her own beliefs, ideologies, and life in general?
Don’t let anybody fuck you — spiritually, mentally, emotionally, or physically. Whether it’s religion, ideology, shame, or a penis, don’t let anyone put anything inside you without thinking about it first and then making up your own mind.

He makes six figures. I’m a student with no income. I had to get an abortion (very hard, I’m pro-choice but come from a religious background) and he only paid for half. Is it wrong that it bothers me?
It should bother you. It speaks volumes about his lack of character and how little he values what you had to go through. Demand he pay for the other half, and then cut him out of your life completely.

Do you hate white people?
No, I don’t hate white people. I hate cultural hegemony, and you can’t tell the difference.

What about Bill Cosby??
To quote Hannibal Buress, “Fuck Bill Cosby.”

What’s your favorite sandwich?
The Godmother from Bay Cities Deli

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Best-Of Advice

On bringing too much to the table

I make 80 percent of the money and do 75% of the housework. I’m tired. I’m also doing feminism wrong somehow. Help. 

Don’t ask me for help. Ask your lazy, good-for-nothing partner for help. Better yet, demand his help. Realign the inequitable gender roles in your relationship with the unilateral force of someone who brings home the fucking bacon.

Why isn’t he the one taking care of the house? What, is that women’s work? No. Huh-uh. Fuck that shit right back to the 1950’s. That’s not how the game is played anymore, and folding the laundry before you stick it in the drawer ain’t that hard a trick to learn.

Give him an order, and expect it to get done. You know you can do that, right? You’re in charge, even if you don’t wanna be. Don’t put up with one ounce of whiny prideful bullshit, and if he doesn’t step up, then he can fuck right off.

Honestly, what does this guy bring to the table? Is he a fitness model? Is he making you cum three times a day? Is he as emotionally supportive as a therapist and two best friends? He’d better be all those things, because if he’s just some basic bro kicking in beer money and the occasional light bulb change, then I gotta ask what the fuck are you still doing with him?

Unfortunately, I already know the answer, and it’s is as ugly as it is obvious: relationship inertia. You’re used to his lazy ass, and it would take time and energy to either whip it into shape or kick it to the curb.

Well, tough shit. You picked him, and you spoiled him by bringing too much to the table. Now you gotta deal with him, and if he’s not worth the effort, then you gotta deal with that too.

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Best-Of Advice

On a borderline fiancé

My fiancé was just diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. He has trouble controlling his drinking and sexual impulses, and has made attempts at cheating on me. I know I should be understanding of his disorder because he’s great in every other way. I just can’t help feeling like I want to get out of the relationship while I still can. Thoughts on being with someone that struggles with this?

Borderline Personality Disorder is a description of your fiancé’s behavior, not an excuse for it. He doesn’t get a free pass to act like an asshole just because his therapist gave a name to his particular flavor of chaos.

Now that he’s got a diagnosis, the worst thing you can do is suddenly start framing his bad behavior as “his struggle.” That’s complete bullshit. We’ve all got struggles, and BDP is no cause for violin music. Your fiancé is still 100% accountable for his own actions, and not wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone who has trouble controlling his drinking and sexual impulses is a perfectly legitimate reason to want out of a relationship.

If you want to build a life with this guy, that’s your choice. I’m not suggesting that you break up with him just because he’s been diagnosed with a mental disorder, but at the same time you shouldn’t put up with shitty behavior that negatively affects you.

It’s one thing to be understanding of your fiancé’s nature, but you are under no obligation to stick around if you think his impulse control issues are gonna lead to alcohol abuse and infidelity.

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Advice

On budgeting your finances

Will you figure out a budget for me? I make 45k a year and live in Chicago. It’s probably not complicated—I’m just young and an idiot.

I started to respond to your question and then realized that over and over again my answer was just pointing you to Chelsea Fagan’s phenomenal new blog called The Financial Diet. (It really is great. You should all follow it.) Anyway, I thought it might be neat to have Chelsea answer your question directly as a guest contributor, and she very graciously agreed. Here’s what she said:

So, the first step to making a budget is asking yourself some basic-but-essential questions about your financial life: What are your goals? How do you spend your money every month? What are your weak spots? The real answers will vary in practice (you’re only human after all), but they’re a solid starting point for establishing your various categories of spending.

If you’re single earning $45,000 and you live in Chicago – where the city tax rates are much less insulting than here in New York — your take home is probably about $2700 a month, give or take. So let’s use that for the budget. Since I know nothing about you other than your salary and city, my answer will have to be somewhat generic, so apologies in advance if this does not accurately portray your real-life spending habits.

The first thing you’ll want to look at is rent. It’s usually the biggest chunk of your salary, and it dictates how much you’ll have leftover to do other things. In Chicago, you can either err to the luxurious side and get your own studio in a cool neighborhood for about $1300, or you can find a roommate in a slightly less-cool area for around $800. Having once been in a situation where I paid a full 50 percent of my take-home pay in rent every month, I can assure you that not only does your quality of life suffer greatly as a result, but no apartment is actually worth that kind of financial sacrifice. So let’s say you pick something in the middle, a nice roommate situation with a big space (maybe your own bathroom) in a fun part of town, and you pay $1,000 a month.

Now you’re down to $1,700.

There are several things you can budget for at this juncture, but the most adult-like and productive is, “How much do I want to be saving every month?” No matter what you choose, the most essential component of saving is that You. Do. Not. See. The. Money. Ever. Whatever money you are budgeting, it needs to go straight into some faraway account that does not have a card attached to it, one that you cannot access on a whim. That money should never hit your checking account, and your brain should never process it as “money I have access to.” Set up an automatic transfer every time you get your paycheck for the amount. For now, let’s say your savings goals are on the conservative side, and you put $200 into an untouched account per month. It’s not a ton, but it’s a good place to start if you’re not used to saving.

Now you’re at $1,500.

This the point at which you usually start asking yourself a lot of serious questions about your spending habits, and bring in the help of programs like Mint, which can analyze your checking account and tell you how you’ve been using your money in detail. You may be shocked at the amount of clothes you buy each month, or how little you spend on groceries. (I can almost guarantee that you will be shocked to the point of disgust at how much you spend on alcohol.) Usually the food/entertainment/shopping, or “living” section of your budget breaks down into something like $300 a month on groceries and household essentials, $300 a month on bars and restaurants, and another $300 a month on retail shopping and transportation.

And if this sounds like a lot, I can assure you that once you count all of your random trips to Sephora or Forever 21 for a throwaway dress, you will understand that “shopping” is much more than just “I am allowing myself the ability to purchase two nice, carefully-chosen wardrobe items each month.” And restaurants add up more quickly than anything else in your budget, without exception. Shopping and going out are huge, sprawling, monstrous chunks of our budgets that tick up in increments of $10 here and $15 there, and can leave us with nothing to our names but credit card balances and the hazy memories of all the martinis we drank while wearing cute but unnecessary new sweaters, so it’s better to err on the generous side with these categories at first to learn how much you’re actually spending and give yourself a chance to curb any recklessness slowly.

Now you’re at $600, but I assume you have insurance taken out of your check each month, and if you are going with the non-cheapie package, let’s put it at about $200 per month for medical, dental, and two pairs of glasses a year.

Now you’re at $400, but let’s say a $150 of that is going to cable and utilities, and another $50 to your phone. This brings you to $200 of mad money, which, if nothing else comes up – and something always comes up – you can do with as you please.

But this is a very generous budget, one that doesn’t take into account any student loans, credit card debt, or whether you live in suburban Chicago and need a car. This is the budget of someone who lives in the city with a $45,000 salary and nothing else to really worry about in life. If you have, say, $700 a month in student loan payments or you need $400 a month to cover all the costs associated with owning a car, the vast majority of this budget is going to take a huge hit. You’re not going to be able to go out much, you’ll have to live in a crappy apartment with a bunch of roommates, and you may only be able to save $100 a month.

The point of having a budget, though, even if you don’t have a ton to work with, is very similar to calorie counting as a means to eat better. It doesn’t mean you’re going to change your entire life on some sort of crash diet, it just means that you are going to be aware of what is going in versus what is coming out, and enable yourself to put something aside in a conscious, deliberate manner. Even if you have nearly no money to work with after all of your bills, it’s still important to set goals and track your spending for the little amount you are able to go out, and try your best to live within the parameters you’ve set. Because there is nothing worse than being blindsided by an unexpected expense you can’t pay, or a suddenly drained checking account. If (or, rather, when) that happens, you will be glad that you planned ahead.

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