Best-Of Advice

On fighting it

I got raped the second week of college, filed a police report, and then the detective comes back telling me that I’m lying about being raped and since I didn’t mention finding the guy’s facebook nothing else I say is credible. Went to a hearing to fight the charges, the university still found me responsible for making a false police report. Just got notified that I’m suspended and banned for the spring semester. I still haven’t told my parents. Help. What the fuck do I do? As if getting raped wasn’t bad enough now I’m getting kicked out because of it. WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO?


You’re dealing with a bunch of people who either don’t believe you or just want you to go away. Fuck ‘em. Fuck ‘em all. They don’t get to ignore the truth, and you aren’t going anywhere.

Lawyer up, take your story to the press, and sue the shit out of everyone — the university, the police department, the detective, the rapist — everyone.

It will be demoralizing, and there’s no guarantee that any justice will come of it, but you can’t roll over with shit like this. You have to fight it.

Don’t make it easier for them to accuse a woman of lying than it is for them to accuse a man of rape.

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Advice

On finishing what you start

I have one semester of college left, and I just found out I got a job in Los Angeles working at a non-profit. So this white girl from a decently well off family is about to move across the country to make just under $1,200 a month. My parents are begging me not to, and promised no financial support. I’m not too worried because I’ve been working two jobs since I was a sophomore and have a couple thousand of my own to get me started along with a true streak of Irish stubbornness. Any advice? (also just to make it super obvious I have no interest in tv/movies/etc except to watch so I’m not trying to catch a break)

Get your fucking degree, you idiot. You’ve come this far. Finish what you start.

It’s not like you’re ducking out of your last semester because you found venture capital for your tech startup. You’re just in a stupid hurry to earn slave wages. Don’t waste three and a half years of educational investment for a false start at a shitty non-profit gig.

Chill the fuck out. Los Angeles will still be here in a couple months. So will any number of entry-level jobs in the non-profit sector with low pay, no benefits, and absolutely zero possibility for advancement.

Working two jobs as a college student doesn’t mean shit, either. You have no clue what’s about to be expected of you as a full-time employee. Those fuckers are gonna work your punk ass like a rented mule, and in six months to a year, after your dreams have been crushed and you’re both physically and spiritually exhausted, you’ll wish you had a bachelors degree on your resume.

Don’t fuck up here. Be smart. Take a deep breath, knock out your last semester, and save up some more money. There will be plenty of time to make poor life decisions once you get to Los Angeles.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

If unhappiness is the resting state of marriage, what’s the resting state of being single?
Loneliness

What do you think of people that are in happy relationships but break up to “see what else is out there”?
Don’t kid yourself. Those relationships are either shallow to the point of worthlessness, or they aren’t really happy.

Are you shilling for American Express?
No. I don’t shill. I don’t have ads. I don’t take money or favors to promote shit. Ever. Can’t a bitch have a nice thing to say about a product or service without you cynical bastards assuming cash is changing hands?

What is the proper etiquette when discovering a friend of yours on a sex cam website?
Masturbate quietly to yourself as you shut the fuck up about it.

Will my husband ever be happy?
I am not a Magic 8 Ball.

I don’t want to perpetuate the Santa lie.
Relax. Santa isn’t a lie. Santa is just folklore. God is a lie.

You seem particularly aggressive this month.
Tis the season, motherfucker.

First real, long-term, “I love you” relationship; first breakup. General tips and pointers?
Step back and see the relationship as a whole, as something with a beginning, a middle, and an end. Be sad for a minute, learn what you can from it, and then move the fuck on.

What are you currently reading?
“I Forgot To Be Famous” by Almie Rose. I downloaded it to read on my flight and laughed so hard that the man sitting next to me was embarrassed.

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Best-Of Advice

On basic fucking economics

It’s easier to make a lot of money than to make “just enough” money. EVERYONE’s trying to make just enough money. There are so few actively trying to make a lot of money that they tend to help one another more. If you make a lot of money and don’t want it, you can always give it to worthy causes or people. But why let your state of mind be determined by a boss who decided they want to make a lot of money from your work? Go make it yourself.


Okay, fuckface. Lemme break down your stupidity line by line:

It’s easier to make a lot of money than to make “just enough” money.
No it’s not. It’s damn hard to make “just enough” money, and it’s downright impossible to make a lot of money without access to privilege, influence, and a fuck-ton of capital.


EVERYONE’s trying to make just enough money.
No shit, Sherlock. Life’s a fucking grind. Don’t act all superior, like you know some special trick that all the poor working stiffs haven’t figured out yet. Social mobility is a fucking myth, and you sound like an airhead talking about money like this.

There are so few actively trying to make a lot of money that they tend to help one another more.
Oh, you mean members of the elite class serve their own self interest through nepotism, cronyism, and favoritism? Yeah, I like how you tried to make unfair advantage sound like a good thing.

If you make a lot of money and don’t want it, you can always give it to worthy causes or people.
You sound like a fucking child. Do you even understanding how corporate capitalism works? Obscene wealth hoards itself at centers of power, relentlessly flowing back into its own gaping maw as value is leeched from helpless pools of human and natural resources. There are no worthy causes or people, just public relations and consumers.

But why let your state of mind be determined by a boss who decided they want to make a lot of money from your work?
Ugh. Social stratification is more than just a state of mind, you privileged little shit. The real world is a harsh and unforgiving place. I sincerely hope you discover that when you’re shat out the other end of whatever cut-rate business school is stealing your parents’ money.

Go make it yourself.
Go fuck yourself.

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Advice

On an actual fucking diva

How do you reconcile an admiration for Beyoncé with your belief that narcissism is ‘the worst thing ever’?


I’m sorry, but you seem to have confused acting like a diva with someone who is an actual fucking diva. There’s a big difference, you smarmy little shit.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Do you have general advice for seventeen-year-old girls?
As you develop your identity, seek as little approval as possible.

Why did I get so freaked out when my girlfriend dyed her hair? Am I shallow or just stupid? Or both?
Yeah, she’s gonna dump you in the next few weeks. Welcome to break-up season, motherfuckers.

My husband annoys the fuck out of me.
Of course he does. He’s a daily reminder that you’ve given up.

Any tips on how to tell if a married man is lying about being in an open relationship, without asking his wife?
Look him in the eye and say, “Tell me about how you and your wife decided to open up your marriage.” You’ll immediately know if he’s full of shit.

What is the difference between a garden-variety asshole with room to grow and a sociopath/narcissist that’s rotten to the core?
The capacity to modify maladaptive behavior.

Is narcissism a bad thing?
It’s the worst thing.

What is the difference between seeking vengeance and seeking justice?
Justice restores balance. Vengeance perpetuates chaos.

My whole life I would say “Jesus, why do women need to dye their hair so much? What’s wrong with just letting the color be what it is?” Now, a 24 year-old woman myself, I’ve just gotten my first blondish highlights. Is this a symbolic moment of some sort?
Yeah, no. You’ve confused multiple layers of meaning for multiple layers of hair color, but hey, feel free to keep wasting your life with simple nonsense.

What do you think of the smarm vs. snark debate?
Team snark for life, bitches.

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Advice

On hiding money from a reckless spender

Do you think it’s ok to hide money from your husband if he’s a reckless spender? We’re relatively comfortable but we aren’t saving any money at all. If there is anything extra after a pay day, he wants to spend it on himself. I’m fed up. I handle all of our bills and could probably easily hide around $150 each payday. I just want a safety net and I don’t think he is capable of knowing that it exists and keeping his hands off. What to do, coquette?


Fucking hell, lady. Start saving some damn money, and don’t feel the least bit bad about being sneaky. If you have to hide savings from your husband because he’s fiscally irresponsible, so be it. He’s not allowed to put you in financial peril just because he’s a reckless spender.

I recommend you open up a Bluebird account in your own name. It’s paperless, private, and comes with a ton of free features. Keep that shit separate from all your other banking, and use it to slowly build up a safety net. You can drop money in it every month as if it’s just another bill you have to pay, and your husband will never know the difference.

Best case scenario, you’ve got a rainy day fund and peace of mind. Worst case scenario, you’re saving up for your divorce. Either way, this is one of those times when keeping a secret is the responsible thing to do.

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Advice

On the metamorphosis of a douchebag

I used to play it off as being a hopeless romantic. I am actually calculating, manipulative, and emotionally stunted. I use my charisma to get what I want. How do I tell the girl I’m seeing that I’m basically Patrick Bateman?


You’re not Patrick Bateman. Patrick Bateman wasn’t even Patrick Bateman. You’re just a garden variety asshole, and trust me, you don’t need to run off and tell the girl you’re seeing. She already knows.

What you should do instead is take this minor revelation and use it to change your behavior. You don’t have to remain emotionally stunted. You can stop being manipulative. You can bury your charisma in the dirt where it belongs, because up to now all you’ve been doing is embarrassing yourself.

Grow, douchebag. Grow.

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Advice

On my favorite kind of comments

We’ve been married 30 years. Our marriage transformed our lives from “drama” to “romantic comedy”—and it just keeps getting better. Your view that “unhappiness = resting state of marriage” says more about you than it does marriage.

Yes, because when I make an observation about the institution of marriage, I’m talking about your relationship in particular.

It’s all about you.

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Advice

On a cynic

Were you always so cynical, or do you think that as a result of listening to vapid idiots ask for advice all the time, you’ve simply become cynical? Whether you perceive yourself as cynical or not is unimportant, because it’s so easy to perceive you as such. So, was your blog always like this, or did it develop over time?


You don’t even know what the word cynical means, do you?

Silly child, if you want to know how I’ve developed over time, just go back to the beginning and read for yourself. Try not to get annoyed if you learn a few things along the way. I sure have. Hell, it’s been almost half a decade, and I’m just now starting to get good at this shit.

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