I’ve been fucking someone with a girlfriend for four years. Apparently, he loves us both. It’s fun when we’re together until we’re not, then I’m left to think of him with her. How do I regain control of my emotions? I don’t want to care anymore. I don’t want to care about him.

Regain control of your emotions? Fuck you. It’s not like you got drunk one night and accidentally fucked a dude who wasn’t single. You’ve spent nearly half a damn decade as the other woman. Quit acting like you lost your free will and take some responsibility for your shitty behavior.

If you don’t want to care about him anymore, step back and recognize this dude for the duplicitous piece of shit that he is. Start caring for your own emotional well being, and have some fucking self-respect.

You’re better than this, aren’t you? Come on, at least admit that you deserve more than being a mistress. Who gives a flying fuck if he says he loves you both? Do you have any idea how slimy that sounds? You’re nothing but a runner-up piece of ass to a douchebag capable of long-term deceit and emotional dishonesty.

This guy has zero integrity. You don’t want his love. It’s not worth it. It never was. Cut your losses and fucking end it.

I had a friends with benefits relationship that wasn’t too enjoyable for me. I honestly felt disgusted when he kissed me, cried once during sex and at the time hated my body. I want to pick myself up and move on, but I never want to deal with his condescending ass again. Next time he tries to talk to me, should I just tell him fuck off?

That wasn’t a friend with benefits. That was just bad sex with a jerk who happened to be in your life. Good on you for wanting to pick yourself up and move on. Now go do it.

As of this moment, he’s fucking dead to you. You don’t ever have to talk to him again, but if telling him to fuck off will improve your situation, by all means, ram it up his ass with your middle finger.

Just got dumped. You have excellent taste in music and nothing I’ve got is scratching the itch (besides Signs/Bloc Party but I would rather not wear that gem out). 5 songs I should listen to while I lick my wounds?

Sorry, dude. That sucks. Here are 10 songs:

• Hands of Time – Groove Armada
• About Today – The National
• Sail On – Commodores
• Lost Cause – Beck
• On the Nature of Daylight – Max Richter
• Against All Odds – Phil Collins
• Say Hello Wave Goodbye – David Gray
• Thinkin Bout You – Frank Ocean
• Wild World – Cat Stevens
• Transatlanticism – Death Cab For Cutie

My professor said some really inappropriate things to me. Nothing sexual. I’m a girl, he’s a gay man, so there you have it. I asked him for help on a novel I’ve been working on for over a year now, and instead of constructive criticism, this is what he had to say:

“Your novel sounds awful.”

“I didn’t attack you for your earnestness. I don’t see how I attacked you at all. I merely pointed out your laziness, lack of politics, wrong usages and gave you some of my opinions on things you were doing.”

“You clearly have a problem taking criticism. Please write to someone else who tells you what you want to hear.”

No one, not even my other professors who used to teach me have been so harsh.

I mean, I just asked for help and criticism, and found myself attacked for my earnestness, I feel so discouraged and unable to write, like something is eating away from within and it isn’t just about this vitriolic man. It’s a general feeling of utter and complete worthlessness. I can’t go on like this. I just can’t.

In the event that you decide to answer this question, just remove the quotes please? I’m afraid someone might find out and identify me.

For the sake of brevity, I removed all but three quotes. Relax. No one is going to identify you, because no one gives a shit.

That’s actually your fundamental problem. You think people give a shit about you. They don’t. No one does. They never will, and you need to get used to it. As a writer, you are alone in this world. Not only are you alone, but odds are, your novel really is awful. If you can’t handle that brutal truth, then by all means, give up now and go try your hand at cupcakery or (god forbid) advertising.

Nothing your professor said to you was inappropriate. Clearly, he doesn’t respect you, but a lack of respect isn’t an attack. He didn’t attack you, not once, and certainly not for your earnestness. Fuck your earnestness. At your age, earnestness is indistinguishable from naiveté.

If you can’t go on like this, then don’t. The world is full of would-be novelists. If this one asshole is all it takes to discourage you, then fuck off. You aren’t strong enough to be a writer, and you don’t deserve to be one.

I have a “chicken and the egg” question, or at least that’s how it feels to me. I’ve been single for a couple months now but I’m still not over my ex. I’ve met a bunch of girls through friends that I feel a little interested in, but I don’t really think I’m ready to date or hook up. Will I know when I’m ready to put myself out there, or do I have to push myself through awkward social and sexual encounters for a while to get over her?

So yeah, I don’t think you understand the fundamental “which came first” paradox of the chicken and the egg. Unless you traveled back through time and became your own father by having an awkward sexual encounter with your mother, then your love life isn’t a problem of infinite regression.

What you’re dealing with is more of a Catch-22 type paradoxical situation in which you won’t be over your ex until you start dating again, but you can’t start dating again until you’re over your ex. It’s a pretty weak Catch-22, but it’s understandable considering how far your head is still stuck up your ass from what must have been an ugly break-up.

For the record, this is why rebounding exists. You’re allowed to fuck around a bit while you get over your ex, and it doesn’t have to mean anything. Go ahead and put yourself out there. Not all the way. Just a little. Have a one-night stand or something. Dip your toe in the dating pool.

Healing takes time. Might as well be getting laid while you wait.

I’ve been fucking the same guy for a year and a half, and for the past year I’ve been asking for him to commit to a relationship. He says he doesn’t know why, but he can’t. He’s “emotionally unavailable” or something— his words, not mine. I’m the twat who loves him, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to dump him yet. Help.

He doesn’t love you. He never will. Let that shit hurt for a hot minute, stop having sex with him, and then move the fuck on.