I need some outside perspective. Well, any perspective, because I haven’t really talked about this with anyone. I am now 34, but I feel somewhat immature in that I am 34 and have never been married, no kids. I am female.

I had a 7 year affair with my married boss. He started in on me when I was 25 and told me to hang in there, “I’ll get divorced for you”, so I believed him and waited. He wanted me to keep it a secret from even my best friends, so I didn’t tell a soul. The affair ended when the company sold. He quite suddenly became a millionaire and started cheating on me with a hotter younger co-worker (who was also his employee, and at the time a close friend of mine). As soon as they started dating, he divorced his wife, bought the new girlfriend a set of boobs, moved her into his brand new house, and had her quit her job. The job quitting was because they wanted to go public with their relationship, but couldn’t since he was her boss.

It’s been a couple of years since all of this transpired, and feel like I’ve been able to get over it as much as possible. Today, I find myself in a 1-year relationship with a man who has been a close platonic friend of mine for almost 10 years, and unexpectedly has become what I think is “the one”. I am super confident in my relationship with him.

Both the boss/ex and I still work at the same company, where he is still my boss. For the last 2 years, I have hated coming in to work, I hate seeing his face, and even though there’s no real reason for him to fear me (taking action against him), he treats me like shit at work. My theory is that he wants to make me quit so I am no longer a potential problem for him.

Should I quit? I’ll be walking away from almost $200K/year, which is a lot by my own standards – I only need to make 50K to live.

I have been a huge fan of your advice column for about 3 years. I slap you mental high-fives all the time, and I’ve secretly always wanted to get my ass kicked by your cunty wisdom.

Should you quit? Fuck no. Should your boss have a reason to fear you? Fuck yes. He’s created quite the hostile work environment, and if you’d learn to grow a fucking spine, you could own his ass.

Listen, I don’t have much sympathy for you. You’re an idiot who wasted seven years in a secret relationship with your married boss, and you deserve to get dumped for a younger, hotter co-worker. Sorry, but karma is a bitch with freshly bolted on tits.

That’s okay, though. You don’t want to be the one with the new boobs in the new house. In a few years, she’ll get traded in for a newer model. She won’t even get to keep the house, and you’ll still be the one with the six-figure salary and the healthy relationship. Trust me, you’re the bitch who came out ahead. Start acting like it.

My best advice for you is to stop taking shit from your boss at work. If you’re already willing to quit, then you’ve really got nothing to lose. Go ahead and let that shady motherfucker fear you. You have all the ammunition you need and all the leverage in the world if you’re prepared and unafraid to take action against him if necessary.

I’m not saying that you should go hire an attorney. (Although you can if you want.) I’m merely suggesting an attitude adjustment. Quit your fucking whining. Right now you’ve got a victim mentality, and it’s time for a mental shift to being the predator instead of the prey.

As your boss, he may have the authority in your work relationship, but because of your history, you’re the one with all the power. Power always trumps authority. Never forget that, and never be afraid to use it to get what you want.

I recently came out as a lesbian. My Christian friends keep telling me they “love the sinner, hate the sin,” but ugh. Help, Coquette! How do I explain to them?

Explain what, exactly? You’re a lesbian. That’s it. No further explanation needed. Stop feeling responsible for other people’s irrational belief systems. They’re the ones who are wrong, and quite frankly, they’re the ones who owe you a explanation.

Besides, anyone who throws around a thought terminating cliché as self-righteous as “love the sinner, hate the sin” is guaranteed to have a very narrow, self-serving interpretation of the concept of sin. Even within the limited philosophy of their own ridiculous religion, they’re missing the point.

I suppose you could challenge their concept of sin within the context of contemporary Christianity, but why bother? At the end of the day, they’re still gonna believe that Jesus makes a frowny face up in heaven whenever you enjoy a little hot girl-on-girl action.

There’s no explaining to people who think like that.

Hey Coque,

Glad to see you back and getting at it. Now that you’re talking shit again I was hoping you could titty slap me with some knowledge.

I’m moving off to college in a month and a half and I’m pretty nervous as you can imagine. I want to make the most of my year and really grow as a person and learn some new shit about life. I’m worried I may get caught up in the bullshit of academia or the shallowness of partying.

I recognize that there’s a shit load of stuff you can learn in a classroom and through partying so I was hoping that you, as a college educated woman who knows her way around a line of coke, could impart some of your hard earned wisdom on me.

I’ve said it once before, and I guess I’ll start saying it every year around this time for all the kids going off to college:

Sleep more than you study. Study more than you party. Party as much as you possibly can.

*titty slap*

I don’t think that delivering a “douche-slap,” even to a clueless idiot who “deserves” it, benefits anyone.

The target of one’s wit is liable to be resentful and eventually angry, which will most likely only drive him deeper into his misogyny.

More important is how it affects her who does the slapping. She may come to believe that the best and most satisfying response to infuriating behavior is to return even more infuriating behavior. The world is already overflowing with hostility, I don’t think creating more will help.

How much happier and healthier is she, who so masters herself that the inevitable posers of the world no longer have the power to infuriate her in the first place?

Pro tip: Nobody will ever give a fuck what you think if you come at them like a sanctimonious fortune cookie.

I liked your response to “rate your own level of hotness”. Having given a similar response to similar questions, I must ask, when the inevitable poser of the question goes “aww, lighten up, little lady”, what do you say?

It’s always good to keep a cool “fuck off” chambered for infuriating moments like that, but if you wanna go the extra mile, try the following:

Step one: Smile at him. It will keep you from getting flustered, and for a brief second the condescending douchebag will think you’re actually lightening up.

Step two: Hit him hard and below the belt with a brutal and unexpected blow to his masculinity. Look him right in the eye and bruise his fucking ego. If nothing better comes to mind, you can always go with, “everyone in the room knows you have a tiny dick.”

Mean it. You’re not joking. He will be shocked. He’ll start to get really serious, and that’s when you finish him off.

Step three: Send his exact words right back into his smug fuck face. Mock him. Use the same tone of voice he used with you. Pour it on thick and say, “aww, lighten up, little lady.”

Boom. He’s been douche-slapped.

Hey Coke,

When you make it out to Paris, take a weekend trip and come see us in Switzerland. Your blog has been with me from my undergrad in the Midwest, to law school in New York, to my current job at the UN. My friends and I love your shit.

Come to Verbier and we’ll drink champagne from the bottle in our ski chalet and do some top notch people watching at the apres.

Life. You’re doing it right.

(Don’t forget to open a numbered bank account while you’re in Switzerland. You know, just for shits and giggles.)

See ya when I see ya. Wheee!

Just saw your response to the Miley video – how about Robin Thicke’s “Blurred Lines” video? Opinion?

I dunno. Let’s see his dick.

Please say something about that new Miley Cyrus video.

What? Seriously, why do I have to have an opinion about this? Is Miley Cyrus doing anything we haven’t already seen a half dozen times from Taylor Swift or Kesha? Am I supposed to be impressed that these bitches like to have slumber parties with their makeup artists?

Am I supposed to think it’s somehow scandalous for them to get in glitter-filled pillow fights with American Apparel models by the pool at some gay dude’s weekend house in Palm Springs? Please. That shit is ridiculous.

People are acting as if Miley spent the entire video sucking off the Jonas Brothers when all she really did was twerk a little and refuse to spit out her gum while doing what we can all agree was just a half-assed Rihanna impression. Honestly, I’ve seen episodes of Hannah Montana that were more controversial.

Whatever. As far as I’m concerned, the bar was set last year by M.I.A with her video for Bad Girls, and there’s not a pop princess alive who’s got the vision or the talent to come up with new shit that cool.