Good Afternoon,

Hope all is well! I am reaching out to you today on behalf of the Digital Department at Starworks Group. We are currently updating our Blogger Outreach Database and would love to get the most up-to-date statistics from your website/blog. If available, could you please send through a media/press kit for us to keep on file, in addition to your monthly uniques and total pageview numbers. Once you provide us with this information, we can easily reference your site when pitching new business and current clients for blogger partnerships.

Thank you,

Digital Media Intern
STARWORKS GROUP

Dear Starworks Group,

Why yes, all is well. Thank you so much for asking, and of course, I’d be happy to provide you with the most up-to-date statistics from my website/blog.

My monthly uniques are eleventy billion, and my total pageviews are infinity times infinity. As for a media/press kit, may I refer you to Google, where I welcome you to type in the name of my website/blog and then hit enter.

If your Digital Department needs any additional information for your Blogger Outreach Database, feel free to send your Digital Media Intern on down to my place of business with a speculum and some petroleum jelly for a thorough examination of my private affairs.

In the meantime, if any of your clients are interested in a brand partnership with my website/blog, just have Alana Varel shoot me a quick e-mail. She knows how to reach me.

Thank you for your warm and thoughtful letter.

Yours in a database,

Blogger

I hate to be this person, but judicial review wasn’t established by the founding fathers. It was Supreme Court Chief Justice John Marshall who essentially granted his own court that power. Again, I apologize for my own cuntiness. I just couldn’t let that one go.

No, no. I appreciate someone who knows their history, but I’m about to out-cunt your cuntiness.

The landmark 1803 case you’re referring to is Marbury v. Madison, which most people assume was the first time the Supreme Court exercised judicial review. It wasn’t. It was merely the first time the Supreme Court struck down an act of Congress as unconstitutional.

The first time the Supreme Court exercised judicial review was under Chief Justice Oliver Ellsworth during the lesser known case of Hylton v. US in 1796. Chief Justice Ellsworth was appointed to the court by George Washington and was himself one of the framers of the Constitution — a founding father if there ever was one.

Plus, founding father and proto-blogger Alexander Hamilton outlined the process of judicial review in his anonymous political zine known as the Federalist Papers.

Good times.

What’s a quick, concise, facts-based way to respond to my mother in law when she starts freaking out about how undemocratic the overturning of prop 8 and DOMA is?

She’s an anti-homo religious nut and we don’t usually discuss subjects on which we know we disagree, but I at least want to have something ready to say when I see her next week. If Facebook is any indication, her passions are running very high. Please help.

Help with what? Fuck your mother-in-law.

She’s obviously an ignorant cunt, and it sounds like her concept of democracy was formed in grade school the same year her class built log cabins out of popsicle sticks. Why bother explaining judicial review to an idiot who confuses the will of the people for mob rule?

Small-minded simpletons like her are the reason we have a representative democracy with an independent judiciary. Of all the checks and balances built into our system of government by the founding fathers, judicial review is the most important when it comes to ensuring that a majority of assholes like your mother-in-law can’t simply vote away the rights of a minority.

Undemocratic my ass. Today’s Supreme Court decision was a rare and shining example of democracy actually working.

What’s the best way to tell my girlfriend she wears too much makeup?

The best way? Pay someone else to do it.

I’m serious. Buy your girlfriend a private makeup class as a gift. Tip the instructor ahead of time. Let her know that you think your girlfriend wears too much makeup, and that you’d like her to discreetly teach your girlfriend how to apply more natural looks.

If that doesn’t work, you’re fucked. I promise, telling her yourself will not elicit a positive reaction, so just shut the hell up and let her keep ruining your pillows.

Why can’t exes be friends? (Yes, apparently I do need it spelled out for me – apologies.)

Relationships are either platonic or romantic. Relationships with your friends are platonic. Relationships with your exes, even though you’ve broken-up with them, are still romantic. In other words, a formerly romantic relationship doesn’t change the fact that the relationship is still fundamentally romantic.

Of course, you can be friendly with your exes. Very friendly. You can have perfectly amicable relationships after you break-up, but you are not platonic friends. You are exes. That’s why there’s a special word for it.

That’s also why a friend-with-benefits doesn’t become an ex once you stop fucking them. Platonic relationships tend to stay platonic, and romantic relationships tend to stay romantic.

This may seem like a bit of a semantic game, but the distinction between platonic and romantic is important, and respecting it can prevent all kinds of negative bullshit from invading your relationships.

LET’S CELEBRATE

Fuck yeah. I just opened the bottle of Republican tears I’ve kept chilled in the fridge in hopes that this day would come. Mmm, delicious!

In honor of this magnificent and monumental moment in American history, I think I’ll go shopping. I have to get new dresses for the hundred gay weddings I’ll be going to this summer.

What’s a reasonable response to someone whose counter to arguments for the need to better access to contraception is to “just not have sex”?

I try not to argue with stupid people, but if I had to give a reasonable response to someone that ignorant, it would go something like this:

You can’t just tell people not to have sex. That’s a dumb and dismissive thing to declare. It’s no different than closing your eyes, putting your hands over your ears, and shouting “La la la, I can’t hear you!” at the top of your lungs like an idiot child.

Sex is a part of the human condition. People fuck. There’s no stopping it, and there’s no use disregarding the inevitability of it. To try and pretend otherwise is to ignore reality for the sake of either weak-minded fedora libertarianism or small-minded puritanical conservatism.

Telling people to “just not have sex” in an argument about contraception is the logical equivalent of telling people to “just not breathe” in an argument about clean air, so if you can’t even grasp the fundamental facts of human sexual behavior, then there’s really no point in arguing a public policy issue as complex and nuanced as reproductive health.

Everything makes me angry. People I used to like are insufferable, I hate the girl I called my best friend, the job I felt important doing is a soul sucking mess, and my 6 year relationship feels tired and boring.

What the fuck happened to me? Why isn’t life fun anymore?

If your six year relationship is tired and boring, then do something about it. Spice that shit up, or move the fuck on.

If you hate your best friend, then confront the source of that negativity. Either fix your friendship, or cut her out of your life.

If the job you once felt was important is a soul sucking mess, then rediscover what’s important to you. Quit if you want. Stick it out if you have to. Whatever. Just find a new way to do your best.

Nothing fucking happened to you. Maybe you’re depressed. Maybe you’re bipolar. Maybe you’re just an irritable cunt, but no matter what, never forget that life is a grind. It’s hard sometimes, and the only way to improve shit is by doing the fucking work it takes to change.

Quit whining about fun and go do something.