Dear Coquette,

When you think of the word “demographics,” do you think it strongly suggests race?

I am a teacher, and I made a comment at an all-faculty meeting that “the demographics at our school are very different than that of another school (so we cannot just assume that what works at one school will work at another).” The other school is mainly white, upper-middle-class, and our school is very different in terms of race, lower socioeconomic status, attitude and enormous size.

The principal called me out, stating that the term “demographics” is (and can be perceived as) racist.

This has devastated me. I told the principal that demographics means far more than just race, and that had nothing to do with the topic of my comment. He stated that other administrators also felt the comment was racist, which means my previously stellar reputation has been damaged. He would not back down that the comment was racist despite my repeated explanations, so I ended the conversation by stating that I was sorry if I offended anyone, but if they were offended, it was because they do not understand the definition of demographics AND that if I were to go back in time, I would make the same comment again.

Can you share your strength with me? I am so livid that I want to go back and talk to him, but he was so stubborn at the previous meeting, I really do not think I can survive a “round two.” Did I do the right thing in standing my ground?

Demographics are statistical characteristics. The particular characteristics aren’t implied in the nature of the word itself, but obviously, if you use the term to separate white from black, rich from poor, or white-collar from blue-collar, you’re asking for trouble in a room full of entrenched bureaucrats from the public education system.

What you said wasn’t racist. It was racial. There’s a huge difference, but that kind of subtle distinction doesn’t matter when you’re dealing with school administrators. Those are people steeped in political correctness. They can’t help themselves. They’re institutionally programmed long before they’re given a position of authority.

It doesn’t matter whether your point was obvious or valid. (No doubt it was both.) What matters is that you failed to communicate your point in the accepted vernacular of the institution. What you should have said is that your school is more “diverse.” At the moment, “diversity” is the acceptable terminology with your intended meaning, and if you had made a case for your school’s “diversity issues,” I doubt anyone would have batted an eye.

Yes, this is insane. No, there’s nothing you can do about it. Whatever you do, don’t go back and give the principal a piece of your mind, because you’ll just catch another round of shaming.

Being right will never win you this argument, because it doesn’t matter whether you’re right. What matters is whether you’re correct, so don’t waste your time “standing your ground” until you’ve also fallen in line with the politically correct language of the institution.

That’s how this game works.

Dear Coquette,

I’m getting married in the fall. My fiancé and I want a very small wedding, held outside, with a nonreligious ceremony. My parents are livid. I am 25, not 17. Why do they care so much? They are not even that religious!

In their community and amongst their group of friends, your nonreligious wedding ceremony will reflect negatively on their status as good parents. They’re insulted. It doesn’t matter whether privately they aren’t all that religious. You’re embarrassing them publicly, and to put it bluntly, your happiness is less important to them than whatever shame they might feel.

If they’re not chipping in on the cost of the wedding, then they should definitely shut the hell up. Even if they are helping you pay for it, they should still shut the hell up, but it starts to get a little sticky if they think they’ve bought the right to dictate the proceedings.

I’m sorry to say, I’ve seen a lot of this kind of thing happen as friends have gotten married in nontraditional ceremonies. I tend to think of it as yet another example of how notoriously narcissistic Baby Boomers can be when their children challenge their sense of entitlement.

Then again, I would never claim to be free of generational bias. As the kids of Boomers, we can certainly be brats too, but this is one of those times where mom and dad need to suck it up and respect your wishes.

You’re adults. This is your wedding. End of discussion.

My boyfriend has had sex with 53 people before me, and admitted to doing lots of cheating before me. Obviously I care about him and I’m not gonna end things over his past, but I’m kind of worried … Does once a manwhore mean always a manwhore?

I know you won’t take my advice, but I’m gonna give it to you anyway. Break up with this guy immediately. It’s not because he’s a manwhore, nor is it because he’s admitted to past infidelities (although neither of those things bode well for your relationship).

No, the real reason you should break up with him is because he knows (or pretends to know) the exact number of people he’s slept with in the upper double digits. It’s not about him having sex with a lot of people. It’s about the fact that he keeps a running tally.

Trust me on this. Once a dude’s exploits fall outside the realm of easily remembered single digits, keeping a precise set of sexual statistics is more than just a little bit creepy. It’s also a red flag that says he’s got something really unhealthy to prove.

I know staying with him is your mistake to make, but I promise that you’re making one.