I have two siamese cats. I love them to death- especially the way they pull books out of my bookshelf at night- but I also have a somewhat drastic allergy to them. They shed so much between the two of them that every article of clothing I own is covered in cat hair and, subsequently, cat dander. When I sit in class, people think I’m crying because my own shirt makes my eyes water and itch like I poured a jug of blow into them. Please advise me, oh cracked one.

You won’t listen to your own body, but you’ll ask me for advice?

Every fiber of your physical being is screaming for you to get rid of those horrid little creatures, and yet you insist on letting them skulk around your apartment, scratching and shitting and wreaking nocturnal havoc on your bookshelves. Ugh. What the fuck are you thinking?

I’m not saying you have to drown them in a bucket or anything, but come on. Pay attention to your own immune system. Evict those evil little gremlins.

I know there are legions of crazy cat people out there who will curse my name and tell you to just start shoveling your face full of Zyrtec, but fuck that noise. Just because I don’t like cats, it doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

For your own health, just find them a new home.

Oh, and if you insist on keeping pets in the future, try finding a species that’s both hypoallergenic and not a miniature killing machine constantly plotting your death while you sleep.

i told my friend i didnt like the preppy boy i was dating because i “need a guy i can do a line with”  then i couldnt believe i said that outloud.. any thoughts?

You’d be surprised what those preppy boys are capable of snorting.

what do you do when a complete stranger comes up and touches you/slaps your ass/etc? i chased the dude half a block threatening to cut off his nutsack. too intense? i would have killed him if i had the chance.

You are well within your rights to break a fucking finger. I try not to let it ruin my night, though. I can communicate my intention to castrate a motherfucker with a stern look. That’s usually all it takes.

Why can’t there be more heterosexually-inclined males that are open to some homo-licious encounters?

I feel as though most women are open to this, whereas guys carry on their macho bravado like they don’t really want some dick now and again.

I understand the whole female-on-female acceptance, and the typical bro-on-bro no-no, but I feel everyone would have a lot more fun if they’d chill the fuck out and have some fun!

What’s your take on this, oh coke-y one?

Ah, yes. The ultimate double standard.

The average woman with a healthy sexual appetite would rather sleep with a beautiful woman than an ugly man. The average man with a healthy sexual appetite would rather sleep with an ugly woman than a beautiful man. That’s just the way it seems to be these days.

I honestly don’t care. More dick for me, really. I’m also not the type of girl who gets off on two men getting it on.

If that’s you’re thing, fine. I wish you all the hot bisexual cock you can handle, but I’ve found that if you’re the token girl in the room when two guys decide to start experimenting, things are bound to go terribly wrong or terribly right.

Either way, you don’t need to be there anymore.

i have a quick question. it seems like los angeles is dead. i can’t remember the last time i went out and have actually said to myself, wow this is fun. has LA changed or have i changed? is it time to find something new? or find someWHERE new. bored.

Yes, Los Angeles changed. So did you.

Shit is cyclical, though.

It’ll come back.

So will you.

First off, your wording gives me a girl boner. I wish my boyfriend were here right NOW because reading about blowing rails off of nine inches of rock hard celebrity cock has me in a big hurry to tear the pants off of someone.

My question is this- how do you pull it off? How do you keep a dick hard and steady while you line the shit up and get down there with a straw? I’m visualizing sudden limpness or an involuntary muscle spasm dumping a gram onto rumpled sheets. Just a question of method, really- to be applied asap.

A fucking straw? It’s not a glass of iced tea, babe. It’s a hot throbbing cock balancing a tidy pile of cocaine. You put your nose on that shit.

Proper placement is key, and we’re talking about bumps here, not lines. I recommend the middle of the shaft. Only put blow on the head of his cock if he has a tendency to ejaculate prematurely.

I usually don’t need to worry about keeping the dick hard. The kind of guy who likes blow on his cock is the kind of guy who has a stash of Viagra.

Other tips include making sure things are relatively dry, and never forgetting to lick up every last trace of powder. If he fucks you with a dusty dick, your shit will go so numb it won’t be worth anyone’s time.

I love reading both your blog and your answers to these questions.  There’s something raw and funny about your writing style.  Your life seems full of glamour, passion, and some sick parties—the kind of life I dream of living someday.  Thing is, I’m not like that.  As much as I want to be a glamorous badass, I don’t live up to my daydreams.  I’m in college, and I don’t go out partying every weekend.  I have a boyfriend whom I love and I don’t want to sleep with anyone else.  I like staying in and watching movies.  I don’t have a sweet group of hardcore bitches.  I usually can’t drag myself to go out more than once a weekend when I do.  I’m just… boring.  I’m not the kind of person you would want to know.  I don’t know what to do.  I’m not sure how to word this quality I’m trying to describe… basically, can your flavor of awesome be learned, or is it something with which one must be born?  Should I give up my rockstar fantasies and become content with my quiet nights of Arrested Development and Chinese takeout? I do enjoy them, but I’ve always imagined I’d be someone else at this age.

Are you happy? Yes? Then shut the fuck up and enjoy movie night.

Don’t assume I wouldn’t want to know you, either. I happen to love Arrested Development and Chinese takeout. I also love blowing rails off nine inches of rock hard celebrity cock, so yeah. You lead your life, and I’ll lead mine.

Besides, you’ve got plenty of time after college to come out to Los Angeles and dip your tits in the glitter and madness.