my boyfriend and i have been dating for just over four years now and i love him more than anything in the world. The problem is my parents. See he was my first boyfriend and i was his first giflfriend and they are worried that i am just settling and want me to see other people. i get this.. i really do… they are worried i will be trapped in something i dont want but i dont feel stuck, im happy, and yet i keep second guessing our relationship because my parents are making me paranoid. what do you think i should do?

You don’t really wanna know what I think you should do. You just want me to confirm your life choices, and I’m not going to do that.

Own your shit, kiddo. You’re starting to make adult decisions now, and you’re accountable for the consequences.

Speaking of adult decisions, how old were you when you started dating this guy? Fourteen? Fifteen? Do you really want the child you were at that age making one of your most important life choices?

You’re happy. Good. Fine. Whatever. Maybe you’re one of those blissful idiots who’ll stay that way forever having known only one romance with your high school sweetheart. If that’s the ride you want to sign up for, go with god.

Fair warning though, life has a way of fucking with your fairy tale, and if your one-and-only happy bubble ever bursts you’ll be left pink and exposed in the motherfucking jungle. That’s what your parents are worried about.

im gay and ive been dating my boyfriend for ten months now. we broke up like a week ago. why? because i went tanning!!! who in their right mind does that? weve always had a disfunctional relationship, but i really did love him. even pasyt the physical fights and petty little arguements. the sad part about all of this, is tht he cheated on me and i forgave him, but he breaks up with me because of a few U.V. rays? I cant figure it out, so can you tell me why im still in love with this asshole?

Your tan isn’t the reason he broke up with you. Quite frankly, tanning is just a symptom of the larger problem that caused him to break up with you.

He broke up with you because you’re a queeny little bitch.

Yes, you are.

You know how I know? Because of that sound you just made. Also because you forgave him for cheating on you and because you’re an adult male who uses multiple exclamation points for emphasis.

He doesn’t respect you, not even enough to tell you the real reason he dumped you. Instead, he just pushes your buttons by telling you it was something as stupid as tanning.

That’s why you’re still in love. He pushes your buttons, and you’re the type who thrives on chaos and drama. Fuck that shit. It’s not healthy, and it makes for an awful pattern of relationships.

Have some fucking dignity and move on.

To be honest i’m a psychopath. not the type that kills people but the type that doesn’t care about anything. ever. i’ve known i was different from everyone else since i could remember. it’s just that now i’m in the stage of my life where friends have married off and and have had kids and such. Many of them have asked me why i haven’t found anyone and i’d like to tell them about me but i KNOW they’ll think i’m crazy. people tend to associated no emotion and killer. the thing i’m trying to ask is should i tell them? i think they should know but at the same time it seem dangerous.

“To be honest, I’m a psychopath?” Great opener. Love the built-in irony.

Sounds like if anything, you’re more a half-assed sociopath than a psychopath. Not even sure if you’re that. Maybe you are. Maybe you’re not. Either way, best not to confuse an emotionless state with a lack of empathy. Having no emotions is very different than having no conscience.

Besides, antisocial personality disorder presents with a laundry list of other negative characteristics short of going Dexter. How big a prick are you?

Better question: what’s your motivation for wanting to tell your friends? If it’s anything approaching remorse or guilt, I’d say you’re pretty much disqualified from antisocial personality disorder.

You say you’re emotionless? Fine. I believe you, but unless you’re also a cold-hearted bastard my guess is that you’re more likely dealing with some other kind of non-specific personality disorder.

Fuck it. I don’t know. Maybe you’re just an asshole.

Whatever it is, go see a shrink.

What is it like to sleep with someone who has large tattoos on their body? Is it different? Is it distracting?

Oh hey, Sandra Bullock. Yeah, these thoughts aren’t healthy for you right now.

Seriously, don’t dwell on your biker husband’s year long love affair with a tattoo model. I’m sure their sex wasn’t at all creative, deviant, or athletic.

It’s best if you just put it out of your mind and refocus your energy on pandering to middle-brow America’s latent racism and dull sense of humor.

When I masturbate, I often think about going down on my boyfriend. When i’m actually with him, though, the thought of it disgusts me and I can’t do it. He knows I don’t want to and says he doesn’t care (I trust him, but this is a sensitive area because i’ve actually had to dump an ex because of the same issue, so i’m not positive he doesn’t mind) but I don’t know why in theory, in my bed alone, i’m down for it but in his bed, i’m absolutely not.

Any thoughts?

This one’s easy, sweetheart. You’re masturbating to the thought of exerting sexual control over your man using your mouth. That’s the fantasy.

You’re not masturbating to the gamey flavor of his unwashed cock, nor are you masturbating to the uncomfortable sensation of your gag reflex kicking in when he holds you down by the back of your head. That’s the reality.

Fantasy versus reality. It’ll fuck you every time.

Are you ever going to answer one of my questions?

Yes.

I’m in a bit of a predicament at the moment. Let me lay out my situation for you. My parents are good catholics, they go to church every Sunday, read the bible, etc. They are also the type of people who work out on a regular basis.

I am a college freshman, and love to party, drink, smoke, and generally be up to no good. My parents have no idea I do any of this, because in high school, and while I’m home for break, I act like their good little boy.

So do I keep on smoking and drinking, killing my lungs and liver in the process, or do I start working out and being religious to please my folks?

Up to no good? That’s very sweet, but you have no idea what it really means to be up to no good.

Listen, kid. You’re not in a predicament. You’re in college. If you can keep your grades up while keeping the douchebaggery to a minimum, feel free to experiment with whatever vices raise your eyebrow. Now’s the time.

I will say this, though. Your lungs and liver can handle a little college experimentation, but at your age there’s no quicker way to ruin a perfectly good brain than with religion.

I was in a relationship with a guy for four years. In that amount of time, he cheated on me more times than God could count, missed two of my birthdays for reasons other than being legitimately busy, chose drugs over me on several occasions, broke up with me to date another girl for a month before he decided she was too much of a cunt, yet still somehow treated me like a princess and turned me into a naive, lovesick pile of stupid teenager. I hate the hell out of him. I have a new, wonderful boyfriend who bends over backwards for me and believes perfection exists in no other form than me waking up in the morning, and I’m jealous that a coke-addicted hoodrat is going to marry the guy who often treated me like I was slightly less important than the last shit my dog took. Why?

Why? Because you are a child, and children cry when they lose their toys.

It didn’t matter that the toy was broken and dangerous. You liked that the toy had sharp edges and small parts that were a choking hazard. Playing with that toy made you feel like a big girl.

It was your favorite fucking toy, and even though you’ve got a new toy, a safe toy, one with round edges made of soft, non-toxic material, you’ll still be damned if some bitch from the wrong side of the sandbox is gonna play with one of your old toys.

I am a university student, and am in a relationship formed around mixed signals. This is mainly my fault. It started with a drunken one-night stand, and for a while we were both acting pretty tough and like there weren’t any feelings involved. I care for the guy and am crazy about him etc etc, but we both are keeping one eye on the door, just in case. I mean, “i love you” gets tossed around with wild abandon from both parties, and we spend every night together, and underneath the sex are just really good friends. But it’s only been 6 months and we are still pretty young so there’s no future talk or anything.

My problem is that I have told him several times that I believe he should be able to hook up with people. I feel like hookups and general high-spirited physicality are both pretty important experiences, and don’t have a lot of importance to any relationship. It’s been my policy in relationships for a while, and it has never given me a problem until now. You see, intellectually I still believe that people should have sexual freedom, but even though I don’t want to retract my position, all of the sudden I am reacting emotionally just to the idea that he might have sex with someone else. The thought makes me pretty sad and a little bit sick. How do I kill these feelings of proto-jealousy before they completely take over?

Proto-jealousy? Interesting concept, but there’s really nothing proto about it. You’re dealing with good old fashioned regular unleaded grocery store brand jealousy. That’s fine. Just acknowledge it, determine its source, and eliminate whatever insecurity is causing it.

In your case, the underlying insecurity is that you haven’t established a foundation of mutual trust upon which you can form an open relationship. You’re building a house on sand, babe.

If you guys are gonna keep it open, mixed signals are a no-no. You need an explicit mutual agreement that regardless of any intimate acts outside of your relationship, the two of you are still each others’ number one. That hasn’t been communicated yet. It’s all still a bunch of too-cool-for-school innuendo and flirtatious posturing because neither of you is willing to be the first to admit vulnerability.

It has to be clear. You’re his queen. He’s your king. Feel free to hold court, but no one else can be your romantic equals. Once he makes you feel comfortable on your throne, it won’t matter to you nearly as much who he decides to fuck on the side.

You’re on track for a fantastic open relationship. Just make it an actual relationship before rushing to make it an open one. Can’t skip that step, sweetie.

Good luck!

How does a girl compete with the XBox 360?

My boyfriend ignores me all the time. We get home from work and he immediately heads for the couch and stays on it long after I go to bed.

We had a daughter about 2 years ago, so in the beginning my libido was none existent, but that’s changed. I’m back in my size 2 jeans, you can barley see any stretch marks and I’m not ugly.

I try to initiate sex, I try to get him off the XBox and his response is “Babe! Your making me die” Seriously WTF is that?! Mastubating is not as good as the real deal. So what’s a girl to do?

Stretch marks and an Xbox addicted babydaddy? You are living my nightmare.

Listen, you picked this guy. Normally I’d tell you to suck it up and deal with the consequences of your stupid life choices, but for the sake of your daughter, I’m gonna ignore my bitchier instincts and throw you a bone here.

In situations like this one, your daughter is what’s known as “leverage.” As long as your boyfriend wants to be a part of her life, you have positional advantage to affect his behavior. I suggest you use it.

For your daughter’s sake, for his sake, really, for America’s sake, I want you to take that Xbox out to an empty field and smash it with a fucking baseball bat. Remember the fax machine scene from Office Space? Yeah. Do that. Go crazy.

Your child will not be raised in a house with video games. It’s as simple as that. Never forget, you are well within your rights and duties as the mother of the house to lay down the motherfucking law.

Sure, he’ll be pissed. He’ll be furious, but what’s he gonna do? Not fuck you? Right. You’re already used to that. Let him throw a tantrum like the child he obviously is. Too bad. It’s time for him to grow the fuck up.

And don’t listen to any of his man-of-the-house bullshit about “after a long, hard day at work…” He’s not out grabbing a beer with the guys to blow off a little steam. He’s a lazy sack of shit parked on the sofa playing video games instead of spending time with his family.

If he wants to be the man of the house, then he needs to put away childish things, and you know what? Now that he’s a father, he’s obligated to grow up.

That’s how you compete with an Xbox, sweetie. You don’t even allow it a place in your home.