I’m a nineteen year-old girl. I’m in a great relationship with an incredible guy, and though we’ve had a couple rough patches, overall everything is great. And the sex is great.

But there is one problem – I’ve been masturbating since I was pretty young (four or five), and I think as a result of this, I can never come during sex, or any other sexual act. Don’t get me wrong, everything we do in bed (or wherever else it is we are) feels great, and we’re mutually attracted to each other on various levels (physically, psychologically, in terms of respect, and in terms of little personality quips, etc., etc.), but nothing he does to me can make me orgasm. Usually we have sex, he comes, then I make myself orgasm.

I know you’re not in the medical field, but is there any advice you can impart unto my situation? Should I just cut out the masturbating so I can “train” my vagina to orgasm in other ways? I’ve also read (from you, actually, hah) that some women are anatomically incapable of orgasming via sex before they’re twenty or so. Could this be the case with me?

I’d appreciate anything you can offer up.

Wait, no. I think you’re a little confused about what I said. I was quoting Dr. Drew, and he didn’t say anatomically. He said physiologically. There is a huge distinction between those two terms.

Also, I was referring to women who had never had an orgasm. This does not apply to you, as apparently you’ve been diddling yourself since kindergarten.

As for your current situation, I think it’s probably a waste of time to “train” your vagina with negative reinforcement techniques like it’s a dog that won’t pee outside. I’m not saying I’m a pussy whisperer, but that’s not how it works.

Furthermore, the fact that you’ve yet to cum during sex has nothing to do with when you started flicking your bean. There is no causal link between your long masturbatory track record and your current inability to have orgasms during sex.

I’ve said it before, but quit feeling responsible for each other’s orgasms. When you say things like, “nothing he does to me can make me orgasm,” I want to throw my hands up and scream, “duh!” Only you can make yourself orgasm. It’s a mental state that only you control. He can’t get you there. That’s your job.

Just take a step back. Sex is not all about the orgasm. Stop focusing on it so much. Make him stop focusing on it so much.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that your problem isn’t a problem. Quit making it one and just enjoy yourself.

Coke Talk, how do you feel about NOT dating? I am in my mid-twenties, I moved to NYC less than 6 months ago, and I’ve already dated half the archetypes in this city. (Artist, equity sales trader, journalist.) It’s all fun and games until… it isn’t. I’d like to cool my jets and just figure shit out, but my friends say I’m wasting valuable time looking for a man. The “single gal in the city” thing is a nightmare archetype, but it can be difficult to resist. On top of that, every man in NYC thinks you either want to get married or just have some casual sex. (There is no middle ground here, which blows, since I just moved here from Florida.) I’d like some advice for the gals who want to have peace of mind. Is it alright to just chill the fuck out and not date for a few months? Or do we always need to “get on the game” and prowl? I celibacy so terrible for a month?

Go stand on any street corner in the city. See all those taxis with their “off duty” light turned on? They’ve got an illuminated god-damned sign, but some drunk asshole is still gonna try and flag ‘em down.

Those cabbies don’t stop. They don’t give a rat’s ass what gets yelled at them, and neither should you.

Just chill the fuck out, sister. Turn on your “off duty” light, ignore the drunks, and take all the time you need just enjoying the ride.

How do you protect your dignity and not be an uptight bitch?

I surround myself with good people. Problem solved.

Dear Coke. I am incapable of being happy in a stable relationship and I need you to kick my ass/point out the obvious/whatever magic shit you do that makes things seem so clear and solvable.

I am a total head case. Background details: I was abused as a child (nothing sexual, just your average run-of-the-mill daily beatings), and when my parents divorced my mother blamed it on me and continues to blame it on me(she says I didn’t try hard enough to get my dad to come back home, obviously my mother belongs in a psych ward somewhere), plus due to psychological damage caused by abuse+crazy mother and generally bad fashion sense the adolescent period of my life was a series of embarrassing and painful experiences.

Fast forward ten years later: I am at a great place career-wise, am physically attractive, and I am confident and happy-looking in social settings (I used to feel like vomiting/passing out/hiding out in my room until I died rather than socialize). On the surface I look like I have it all good, but Coke, seriously, I am fucking mess.

I am in the third year of what looks like a great relationship, but inside I feel nothing and I do and say things automatically (because I think thats what I am supposed to say/do).

He “gets me”. Our conversations are still interesting and enjoyable, he knows of my “past” and shows the right amount of empathy and understanding without making me feel like I’m a freak, and he doesn’t run away or shut off when things get rough. He is ridiculously intelligent, he cooks and he makes me laugh. And he is hot, seriously(which is the least of reasons, but just wanted to throw it in there).

I know the “right” thing to do when you have stopped loving someone is to end the relationship, but I am aware that I have serious mental issues, and that this isn’t him, its me. This is the third great relationship in which my heart fizzles out and I am sick of myself. The first time I pulled this shit my friends all thought I was having a mental breakdown (because the guy I left was really really good to me, and I couldn’t even articulate a proper reason for leaving. It was just “I don’t feel anything.”)

My therapist says that this is a defense mechanism and that I just need more time to “heal”. The main question that I have for you is: Is it fair for me to stay with someone I dont love (or feel anything for) because I know my lack of feelings is due to my insanity?

Thank you for reading. And you rock. Now kick my ass. Please.

First of all, you’re not crazy. Not even a little bit. By LA standards, you’re barely even damaged goods.

Yeah, you got smacked around as a kid and your mother is batshit. Big fucking deal. That doesn’t even get you to the first commercial in a slow episode of Behind the Music.

Everyone’s adolescent period is a series of embarrassing and painful experiences. So what? Stop putting your “past” in quotations marks. It’s getting too much attention as it is.

As for your relationship issues, grow the fuck up. The closest thing you have to a serious mental issue is immaturity. Your expectations are girlish and unrealistic.

There is no such thing as “happily ever after.” Shit fizzles. Always. That’s when couples have to start grinding it out. Generally, it’s known as the seven year itch. For you, it’s three. Whatever. Point is, if you build your relationship on more than just puppy love and rainbows, it will mellow into a deep bond of mutual respect. That’s what most people end up calling love.

The man you’re with sounds great. You still respect him, and you care for him deeply. All that’s happened is that you don’t have a crush anymore. You love him, but you’re not “in love” with him in the classical sense.

Unfortunately, you’re burdened with all these things that you think you “know.”

You “know” your lack of feelings is due to your insanity. You “know” to end a relationship when you fall out of love. You “know” the right thing to do.

It’s time to start unknowing some of this shit. These things you insist you “know” are actually horrible patterns of childish behavior that you learned from your fucked-up parents.

Let that shit go.

Yes, it’s fair for you to stay in your current relationship, especially if you’re honest with him about what you’re feeling. You don’t have to get hearts in your eyes every time you look at your man. It’s enough to respect him and enjoy his company. Hey, you never know. You could always fall back in love.

Also, get a new shrink. The one you’ve got is phoning it in. Defense mechanism? Please. You need more time to heal because he needs more time to bill your insurance.

Okay. I’ve recently begun fooling around with this guy from work (we’re both college kids, so it’s not like I’m fucking the boss or anything). We have a lot of mutual friends, who seem to really get a kick out of spreading everyone’s gossip around. Anyways, he and I have told no one that we are sleeping together, so it’s very hush-hush. 

Now. I just don’t want to get used, I feel like the whole “let’s not spread this around” kind of thing could potentially enable him to go out and sleep with other girls as well (which I suppose is okay, he and I aren’t officially dating or anything). I would rather know what’s going on with him and his potential other girls, because quite frankly I do not want to waste my time with him, if I’m just one of 15 girls. You know?

So, I want to find a way to bring it up, without being awkward, as I have to work with him, and I still like the guy.

Any ideas of how to bring it up? Or any key phrases to say/AVOID saying? Thank you!!

How is your time with him suddenly being wasted if he sees another girl? I’ll never understand that mentality. Then again, I’ll never understand the mentality of a woman who grants a man the power to “use” her. Fuck that. I’m not some inanimate object that dispenses refreshment. My pussy isn’t a vending machine.

If you don’t want to get used, then be present in the relationship and accept personal responsibility for the decisions you make with your own body. Do that, and he won’t be able to use you. At worst, all he’ll be able to do is lie to you.

As for your dilemma, just be straight with him. Tell him what you expect. Say something like the following:

“I’m not asking for a formal relationship. I’m not telling you that you can’t see other women. All I’m doing is letting you know that I’m not comfortable having sex with you if you’re also having sex with other people. Therefore, out of respect for me, it’s your responsibility to tell me if and when you start having sex with someone else. It’s no big deal either way. It’s not going to fuck up our friendship, because I like you, and I like what we’ve got going on.”

It’s a perfectly reasonable request that not only respects his boundaries, but also your feelings. When he agrees (and he will), then the burden of integrity is on him. He’s the one who has to communicate with you before sleeping around, otherwise it’s a violation of your friendship.

It’s a solid way to get him thinking about the progression of your relationship without feeling trapped. You’ll seem like the cool chick, and if the day comes when he chooses not to sleep with another girl because he’d rather keep sleeping with you, he’ll think it was his idea.

Is dating ever not-stupid? I mean dating as in “we had a couple of dates,” not as a synonym for having relationships. All the worthwhile couples I know either became a full fledged couple (whether monogamous or not) pretty much on the week that they met, or just hung out in the same social circles.

Every generation has its own unique set of courtship rituals. In our corner of the world, the formal dating ritual is on the cusp of becoming an anachronism. That doesn’t mean dating is stupid. It’s just no longer the dominant paradigm.

There will always be a process by which we choose mates, but the equalization of gender roles and shifting cultural values no longer make it necessary to follow a scripted, rules-based model of the get-to-know-you game. Courtship hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just more casual.

If you’re asking this question because you’d prefer dating to today’s amorphous style of courtship, don’t get frustrated. You can still date. The world is full of people who prefer antiques. Just because dating is outdated, that doesn’t mean it’s irrelevant.

On the other hand, if you were just confirming what you already felt to be true about dating, then yes. You can ignore your mother’s rules.

Either way, just enjoy yourself. We’re lucky to live in an era where our livelihoods no longer depend on it.

So I dated this guy for 2 and a half months or so. It was pretty great. Just as I was getting comfortable and starting to see it as a relationship that might actually last long term, shit starts to happen. Basically, he finds out that a girl he used to hook up with last semester got roofied and raped, which resulted in her relapsing on coke and failing out of school. The problem is that he still has feelings for her, despite knowing that it would never work out between them. After several days of being miserable over not being able to do anything to help her, he confesses that he still loves her, and says that he can’t be in a relationship with me right now. That’s fair – I can’t be in a relationship with someone who is in love with someone else either. So we agreed to just be friends.

I can’t blame him and I can’t be mad, because I feel he was well within his rights to try to move on, even if it leaves me feeling a little deceived. But I still can’t deny the fact that I still have feelings for him and I still care about him a lot. It’s hard to get over a relationship when I feel it never got to play itself out, instead being cut off by external events.

What do I do? Do I cut him out of my life until I get over him? Do I continue to hang out with him as friends, (because we do get along amazingly and we have fun together) while always missing what used to be? Do I wait around for him to finally get over this chick and take me back? Help me out, Coke Talk.

You’re awfully fucking noble. Good for you, I suppose. Still, you should feel free to have a moment of righteous seething anger at this guy for pushing you out of a moving vehicle so he could swing back around and pick up last semester’s bag of crazy.

Wake up and smell the douchebag. The relationship did play itself out. It wasn’t cut off by external events. He didn’t die in a fiery plane crash. He fucking broke up with you.

At this point he’s not a friend. He’s an ex, an ex who’s obviously got a thing for damaged goods, so unless you suddenly become a dysfunctional drama queen, don’t expect him to come looking to take you back.

Don’t wait around. Have some dignity and move on.