I bet you anything you’re going to read this and beat your head against the wall as hard as I did.

I learned from a friend last night that apparently I wasn’t welcome in her grandmother’s house anymore. At Friend X’s 16th birthday party I’d popped off some black humor and her grandmother had thought I was being serious. She thought I was “acting superior” and “had offended her personally”.

So what’s my first reflex? To do what I was raised to do. I load up Wordperfect and type the grandmother a big, completely earnest letter of apology. I figure that’ll get her attention, teenagers don’t write letters anymore. I use my good writing voice, I want this woman to know damn sure I want her forgiveness. So I get it done and I have Friend X proofread it and she drops this bomb:

“I wasn’t supposed to tell you that. So if I get in trouble for you sending this letter, I’m never speaking with you again. Also, you’re trying to sound older than you are in your letter. She’ll think it’s insincere.”

Sadly that’s not out-of-character. Friend X has always been toxic. She’s whiny, overreacting, self-indulgent, and has an ego bigger than the Hindenburg. She starts more needless drama than all my friends and family combined. Under all the fake problems, though, she does have some real ones, and I stay her friend because I want to help with those. I’ve had some close confidants tell me that that’s a warning sign; that it means I’ll tolerate abusive relationships in the future. If I stay her friend, I’ll feel honorable but be plagued by her vitriol. If I nut up and tell her what she really is, OR I send the letter and it goes over badly, I’ll be free of her drama but drag remorse around for years.

Fatiguing story, isn’t it? So now at long last we come to my question. Should I even send this letter? Is there any point in stretching this friendship out to the end of senior year?

First, you don’t type apologies. You hand write them.

Next, put down the fucking thesaurus. Your friend may be toxic, but she’s right about your “good writing voice.” Phrases like “plagued by her vitriol” make you sound like an asshole.

As for your letter, no you shouldn’t send it. The very fact that you’re still considering it leads me to believe that you secretly crave drama, which would also explain why you even bother keeping your whacked-out friend around in the first place.

Also, you really seem to be missing the point when it comes to honor and friendship. The point isn’t for you to “feel honorable.” The point is for you to be honorable, regardless of how it feels. In other words, treating a friend like she’s an emotional charity case isn’t honorable, even if it feels that way.

Actually, it seems as if Granny McSourcunt had you pegged when she said that you’re “acting superior.” Your friend isn’t a psych patient under your care. It’s not your job to “tell her what she really is.” It’s your job to be a friend without any of the holier-than-thou tone.

Either be her genuine friend, or move on.

If this feels like a bit of a bitch slap, it’s because someone needs to tell you that you come off as smug. It’s typical teenage pretension masking typical teenage insecurity, but the rest of the world just sees a mean girl.

Other than Twilight novels, this kind of stuff is the single biggest reason why people can’t stand teenage girls.

I’m very indecisive when it comes to trivial matters, to the point that I always get what the person in front of me in line at lunch orders. Now, I suppose this isn’t a trivial matter, but… can you choose for me? Because I know it’s not love, but I very much like both of them:
1) A brilliant writer with an agenda and a car,
2) A sweet poet with much too much love for the romantic. And the Romantic, at that.

Flip a fucking coin. If it’s heads, you make your own decisions. If it’s tails, you shoot yourself in the face.

I have a bit of a guilt problem right now. I’m a serial monogamist, with an emphasis on serial – I’ll stay with a guy for a few weeks or so at a time. It’s sex with the benefits of friendship, cuddling, staying the whole night, etc. I start out genuinely liking the guy, but after a while I get bored and move on or let things die down. This pattern is perfect for me physically and emotionally.

The problem is, I seem to get bored before he does, which means I often have to hurt the guy when I break things off. This sucks, because I don’t want to keep hurting people with my own shallow indifference. Should I feel bad about this? I don’t want to just have meaningless, emotionless sex with some stranger, there’s nothing sexy about that for me. And I don’t want to go into anything with a forced expiration date, because who knows what could end up working out? Should I just keep my life the same, which works for me but might hurt the other person? Or should I just stick to porn and a dildo so I don’t hurt another nice guy?

Well, you’ve started being emotionally honest with yourself. The next step is being emotionally honest with your disposable boyfriends.

You need to come labeled like a pack of cigarettes. “Warning: Dating May Result in Premature Breakup.”

Don’t worry. Just like cigarettes, it’s not going to make you any less popular.

Giving a guy fair warning up front is the right thing to do. Tell him you get bored easily and your relationships rarely last more than a month. You know this about yourself, and now he does.

It’s actually a win-win, because most guys will see it as a challenge. They’ll go the extra mile to keep things interesting, and yet when the inevitable happens, the ground is already softened.

My friend showed me this blog just a few days ago. I wouldn’t go as far as to say I can’t stop reading it but I’m incredibly intrigued by your perspectives on different life circumstances, etc. I really admire your often empowered and empowering stance, and I especially think that some of the advice you give women and young women is really important for people to hear (not just them.) I’m also a little taken aback however. It seems like some of what you do or say is very contradictory to that mindset. Maybe it’s just that you’re still human so there’s always going to be some contradiction, or maybe it’s my own naivete (on the tail end of 19) but things like cocaine or fucking with overly skinny women addicted to cocaine and “organic” foods seems to go against the great things you tell other people to encourage self respect. It might also be important to say that I don’t smoke, don’t drink, and am still a virgin (I’d like to think by choice…) though some of that was probably evident to you. I think the cocaine bothers me most, I think. Is that just my lack of real knowledge about coke or what? And it sounds like you do it mostly for social interaction, but for me I would rather not participate in social activity that is also harmful to myself. Is coke actually not that bad, as long is it’s not abused? also, I was curious if that was more just part of deal when going into the entertainment business.

p.s. This isn’t meant to slander your lifestyle. I’m just curious because it’s so different from my own.

You don’t drink, smoke, snort, or fuck. Fine. More for me, I suppose.

I appreciate that you don’t mean to slander my lifestyle. A lack of judgement from someone who abstains is refreshing. It leads me to believe that you’re not a crazy christian, so at least you’ve got that going for you.

First let me just say that yes, coke is actually not that bad. In fact, alcohol and tobacco are significantly worse than coke and weed. Anyone who says differently is misinformed or has an agenda.

As for your unwillingness to participate in social activities that might be harmful, I suggest you put down the hand sanitizer and get a fucking tan.

There is a difference between use and abuse. There is a difference between power and empowerment. There is a difference between living and being alive.

Not to slander your lifestyle either, but a careful analysis of your notion of harm might be in order. Harm implies evil. It’s nebulous and moralistic.

Talk to me about damage, not harm. Damage is factual. Damage can be weighed and measured against positive effects. Damage is also inevitable, and that’s a good thing, because you quickly learn the futility of trying to avoid it all together.

It may seem like petty semantics, but the underlying principles make all the difference in the world.

I’m the girl from “pimpin’ not being easy”. I broke up with the kid. We were only together for 5 days. He got really sad and is now making his aim and facebook statuses depressing shit, obviously so I can see it. “attempting the recooperation”, “but ain’t the devil happy”, “depressed”… It’s pissing me off cause it is starting to make me feel like a cold bitch for ending it so fast and him being down is making me sad too. what the fuck? set something straight please.

Five days? I’ve had bad dates that lasted longer than that.

The fact that he’s being such a butthurt little emo bitch after only five days shouldn’t make you sad. It should reinforce the fact that you made the right decision.

Don’t let it get to you. After all, it’s not about you. It’s not you that he’s getting over. It’s the idea of you. He’s mourning the loss of the relationship’s perceived potential — potential that never really existed.

He’s crying because his ice cream fell off the cone after just one lick. It doesn’t matter that he can only handle vanilla when you’re a scoop of rocky road. He’s going to throw a tantrum regardless.

You aren’t responsible for his emotional state.

Just ignore it.

A year and a half ago, I moved to Berlin. I had been out of high school for four days and decided to delay higher education at a school I had no interest in attending in order to take drugs, dance, and sleep around. I was supposed to go back to New York in August, but decided to stay here instead, in large part because I fell ridiculously in love.

My parents weren’t pleased, but I told them I’d apply to schools in Europe and figure something out. (I want to study chemistry and synthesize drugs like Alexander Shulgin, or just be able to make LSD.) I applied to a bunch of schools in the UK as a backup plan, incase things don’t work out here in Berlin. Here’s the thing: I was accepted to two schools, and today found out that I was invited to interview at Oxford.

That’s kind of a big deal? I don’t know. I don’t really want to go, as I have no intention of attending even if I am admitted (yeah, I’m stupid and 19 and in love and want to stay in Berlin with my boyfriend – but I would want to stay in Berlin even if he wasn’t here) but I made the mistake of telling my parents that I had been invited and they want me to go. And I don’t know what to do. That’s $200 worth of flights that could be better spent on ketamine. Help me, Coke Talk?

Don’t be an asshole.

Fly to England. Interview at Oxford. Take it seriously. You can be young and in love, but you don’t get to be stupid. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

Grow the fuck up for just one second. You’re making major life decisions while blinded by an international case of summer love. Not cool.

I love ketamine as much as the next party girl, but get your priorities straight. Who the fuck buys drugs instead of a ticket to a golden future? Dumb bitches and crack whores, that’s who.

Don’t be one.

Here’s the story: girl meets boy. girl likes boy. boy is out of her league. girl and boy become friends. better friends. best friends. girl falls in love with boy. girl overanalyzes everything that boy does. this causes drama. boy eventually walks away from friendship. girl and boy get back in contact. girl tries not to be passive agressive this time and just asks him what’s going on. boy calls girl out for overanalyzing the shit out of everything again. girl and boy talk. girl gets upset and asks boy to call her. says she misses him. boy tells girl he will. boy never calls or anything. girl texts him a week later about something else. they talk. what the fuck is going on with the boy?

Boy likes girl. Boy doesn’t love girl. Boy will never love girl. Girl doesn’t want to deal with reality. Boy doesn’t want to deal with girl.

When discussing oral sex, my boyfriend expresses open disgust at going down on a woman who isn’t clean and hair-free “down there” (His words, not mine). I have no problem with this seeing as I regularly get it waxed and have done so before meeting him. Anyway, he refuses to go down on me unless I’m “clean” which I completely understand and have no problem with. However, when I tell him he isn’t getting head unless he’s hair-free, he says he “doesn’t get it”, and I should give him head anyway. When I say the same thing back to him he gets angry. Is it just me, or is he exercising some royally fucked up double standard that isn’t cool at all?

Your boyfriend turns up his nose at a little salty pussy, and he’s too delicate to take a razor to his balls. He’s a real manly man, huh?

There is no double standard here. Nobody likes to floss with pubic hair, and of all the things guys do for a blowjob, a little personal grooming isn’t too much to ask for.

Your boyfriend is being a spoiled little bitch, and it sounds like he’s got a sense of entitlement when it comes to oral sex.

Never put up with anyone who tells you that you “should” do something in bed that you don’t want to do.

If he doesn’t shave, don’t suck his dick. When he whines like a little girl, shut him up by sitting on his fucking face.

My friend and I finally have an acid hook up, but I’m really nervous about it. I’ve tried robotripping which has been good, but i imagine this shit will be really intense, and I don’t want some 12 hour panic attack. So, to drop or not to drop?

Your only frame of reference for LSD is fucking cough syrup, so yeah. What do you want me to say?

I’m not going to make this decision for you. No one else should either.

I will say that with LSD, the best way to end up with a twelve hour panic attack is to expect a twelve hour panic attack. Being in a good state of mind is key, so whatever you do, chill the fuck out.

You may want to consider asking yourself what you want to get out of it. You have the opportunity to expand your mind a bit, or you have the opportunity to giggle at MTV for a few hours. Don’t waste it.

Do a little spring cleaning in your head before you drop. Read some poetry or listen to some classical music. Consider it the equivalent of stretching before a workout.

You don’t have to be serious, but take LSD seriously. Especially at first.