I’m sixteen and have never had a real relationship, just a bunch of mild drunken hook-ups. I don’t want to put time and effort into someone I’m not crazy about, but I’m afraid that when I actually have relationships, I’m always going to be the person who likes the other slightly more. Also, I have crushes on people I don’t know very well, so I can construct their personality into something I like better. And then I always find out that they’re assholes. Fix me?

You’re not broken. You’re sixteen.

All that shit you’re feeling is right on schedule, and the fact that you’re self-aware about it means you’re ahead of the game.

Don’t worry. One day, you’ll be able to spot assholes before you crush on them.

In the meantime, try not to think in terms of relationships. Just enjoy the company of interesting and respectful boys and/or girls.

I’m 19 and i’m seeing this guy, but all we do is fuck. We’ve been dating for about a month and he knows nothing about me. Whenever we hang out all we do is have sex and then he sort of ignores me until I have to leave and then begs me to stay. The fucked up part is that he told me that he loved me about 3 weeks into the relationship (I don’t believe him). What’s this guys deal?

He’s an emotionally crippled piece of meat. Then again, so are you.

Stay off television and on birth control.

Good luck.

I wish I was a sociopath. Every day, something happens in my life that makes me feel guilt or shame…and most of the time they’re small things like accidentally stepping on someone’s foot after losing balance in the subway. But they follow me around all day, it’s so obnoxious! Afterwards, I always wish that I could somehow throw my conscience out the window while still having an idea of what is and is not socially acceptable. Do you happen to know any ways to dissolve one’s concience/ unleash the inner sociopath?

You’re asking to give up your soul in exchange for a spine. That’s some neo-Faustian bullshit right there. What a horrible and tragic idea. Dissolving your conscience is no path to happiness, and I’m afraid you’ve grossly misinterpreted what it means to have antisocial personality disorder.

The excessive guilt you feel isn’t a product of an overly active conscience. It’s a product of an underdeveloped self image.

You’re asking to become an evil shell of a human being when really all you need is a few friendly lessons in not giving a fuck. Adjust your knobs. Turn down the remorse. Turn up the temerity. Leave your conscience right where it is.

It’s perfectly fine to feel momentary guilt for stepping on someone’s foot, but have enough faith in yourself to know that a quick smile and an “Oops, sorry!” is all that’s required to restore the karmic balance.

Someone should have told you this before now, but you have just as much right to make your way through the world as everyone else.

You are an equal to all around you.

Should I go indoor tanning while pregnant, or will that harm the baby?

Wow. Really? It’s a tanning bed, not a microwave.

Also, if you thought there was an actual risk to your baby, wouldn’t this be the kind of stupid question you should ask your doctor instead of some party girl on the internet? You have a doctor, right?

Ugh. Fifty bucks says you’ve already referred to your fetus as Snooki.

My husband and I wanted to try and open our relationship.  We were fine for a bit, but now he seems really jealous.  He doesn’t want to be open anymore which is fine. He can’t seem to get over my having sex with other men. He says its different for men then women. He can no longer look at me the same. Any ideas on how to fix this?

Which part do you want fixed, your marriage or the double standard?

Either way, you’re gonna have to lay down some tough love, because your husband is acting like a spoiled little bitch.

He’s perfectly happy sticking his dick in another man’s wife, but the sight of you getting a good pounding from another dude sends him into fits of infantile, hyper-possessive jealousy. Ugh. There’s one like him at every party.

For the record, it is not different for men than women. Swinging is a two way street. He only says that bullshit because he’s weak and unevolved, and you know what? Fuck him for saying it in the first place.

Also, it’s not you that he sees differently. It’s his own manhood. His ego has been wounded, and as pathetic as this sounds, you’re gonna have to either stroke it until it heals or smack it until it toughens up.

It takes a strong, self-realized man to handle an open relationship. You don’t have one of those. Yet.

Good luck dragging his ass into enlightenment.

How do you be a female player while maintaining your integrity and not becoming a “ho”? I’m a single young female with a great job, I’m disgusted by my boring friends who give up their own lives to be with their lame boyfriends, and I want to prove that there’s an alternative. If you could give specifics that would be most helpful.

You don’t need me to tell you how to maintain your integrity. You have a conscience for that. Listen to it.

Have standards. Have your own moral code. Be true to it, and you’ll be fine.

Also, don’t have anything to prove. Your lifestyle isn’t an alternative to anyone else’s. It’s what works for you. If you don’t want friends to judge your promiscuity, then don’t judge their boring lives with lame boyfriends.

Live and let live. Fuck and let fuck.

This is absolutely ludicrous. Coke isn’t just a safe petty play drug and you essentially telling people that it’s “OK” to do is ridiculous. Cocaine just isn’t a drug to fuck around with, you’re playing with fire and while you may think you’re in control chances are you can lose control REAL fast. I’m not usually a crusader for shit like this, but seriously?

No, you’re right. I totally forgot to put a warning label on that last post, because that’s what our culture needs, more bullshit disclaimers written by cowards on behalf of retards that state the blatantly obvious.

Hey kids, listen up! Cocaine is dangerous, coffee is hot, and cigarettes are bad for you. There, now the world is a safer place.

Fucking pussy.

How do you manage to exercise so much self-control when it comes to cocaine? Is there a regime you follow or something? I’m not trying to make it sound like a cocaine diet or anything, I just want to know what you do in order to keep the coke in control? Not use it a few days in a row, or what? Gimme some pointers. I’m new to the world of cocaine but I really want to be a part of it; I’m just unsure how to go about it, so it would be great if you could lay some wisdom on me.

Is there a regime I follow? A cocaine diet? You want me to get alltips-and-tricks up in this bitch? Hilarious. I guess I should just embrace the fact that I’ve become the Marie Claire for deviants. Here are some fucking pointers:

1. Never party with it by yourself.
2. Never party with it on the job.
3. Never party with it on camera.
4. Never party with it around people you don’t trust.
5. Never party with it for more than three days in a row.
6. Never party with it on more than three occasions per month.

Also, as a general rule, whenever you’re in a party environment, give yourself a regular hip check by asking the following question: “If the drugs weren’t here right now, would I still want to be in this room?”

The second you find yourself answering no, get the fuck out.