Advice

On a graceful exit.

Part two of On Your Boyfriend’s Crazy Ex:

So I’ve been dumped.

Didn’t have the time/balls to talk to him about it before his three-week long holiday departure, and within four days of his return he broke it off stating that it wasn’t fair for him to be with me when he maybe might still have an emotional connection with someone else (the psycho.) The thing is he consistently insists that he still does not want to get back together with her. A mutual friend of mine claims (though she hasn’t confirmed yet and i’m not sure if I want her to) that he still has feelings for me and is just going through a bad patch, figuring out his emotions and whatnot.

Is it worth my while waiting around a bit before moving on like a big girl should in case he does in fact have a change of heart? Should I even want to get back together with him?

Cheers.

Should you want to get back together? Nope. Hell, if you can even ask that question then you’re not that emotionally invested, so why bother?

He’s busy getting over a crazy ex. You’re not in love. Why wait around for damaged goods?

The timing is off. Shit happens. Remember him fondly and move on.

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Advice

On contemplating murder.

On days when I’m not thinking about killing myself (I won’t; my tits are too nice to waste), I’m contemplating murdering the man who abused me mentally, physically and sexually for most of my adolescence. It’s been, damn, 13 years since he left me a crumpled heap, and I’m now a mostly successful, functioning, married adult. But I can’t let it go and I’m haunted by thoughts of homicide.

So, how do I get over it? Alternately, will you help me bury the body?

While I’m not currently available to help you bury the body, I will say that homicide is the superior instinct to suicide. Neither is particularly healthy, but if you insist that somebody needs to die, I think the stronger choice would be killing your torturer rather than allowing him to kill you by your own hand.

Now, since our society condemns revenge killings and our state has a monopoly on capital punishment, it’s probably a bad idea to actually try murdering the bastard. I think you know this.

So, what to do? Well, I suggest you turn this sordid situation into a deeply satisfying creative outlet.

Plan his murder. Plan several of his murders. Be elaborate and outlandish. Design all kinds of devious and detailed ways to kill this motherfucker. Let each scenario become a chapter in a book and write, write, write.

Get the poison out on paper. After all, revenge fantasies are far more delicious than actual revenge.

Besides, I know you’re a writer. Hell, you used a semicolon in a parenthetical statement. You’ve got a book in you for sure, especially on the subject matter of ending that sick fuck’s life.

I think you’ll enjoy the process, and who knows? You could end up on Oprah’s sofa with a bestseller in your lap.

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Advice

On feminism and porn

Am I a hypocrite if I believe in feminism and want to be a respected woman, but I like watching porn?

What kind of porn are we talking about?

Better yet, what kind of feminism are we talking about?

If you’re an old-school iron cunt — one of those angry, man-hating second-wave feminists leftover from the early 70s — and you secretly get off to bukkake gangbangs, then sure, that’s pretty damned hypocritical.

On the other hand, if you’re just a garden variety sex-positive post-feminist with a college degree, a tattoo, and a lesbian experience, then there’s no hypocrisy whatsoever in watching some hardcore anal action, especially if it’s well lit.

When you think about it, the debate between pornography and feminism has a lot in common with the debate between science and religion.

Folks are constantly trying to intersect two institutions that have no business together in the first place, and it’s only when you superimpose a close-minded ideology on the situation that you run into problems of hypocrisy.

I don’t know about you, but I’ll always be on the side of porn and science. If a narrow-minded belief system is making you feel like a hypocrite, maybe you should leave it at the door.

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Advice

On a slow burn

So there’s this boy. He is very, very attractive, and he finds me to be the same. I feel no sparks when we hold hands, although I am desperately happy to not be alone. We always run out of things to say when we’re together. He does all sorts of extra things to spend time with me, but when he gives me roses I’m so much more excited about the prospect of having roses than him being the one giving them to me. I am attached to his lap whenever we sit. He loves to feel my legs and we like all the same things.

It’s kind of boring, but it’s odd; although I’m never swooning when I’m with him, I’m heartbroken when I’m not. All I can think of after every lethargic, topical conversation is the next time we will see each other. Either that or all the other girls he’s done sweet thing for. He is not a creep and he obviously likes me a lot.

What, if anything, do you make of all this non-issue bullshit?

When you run out of things to say together, is it a comfortable silence? Have your past relationships involved a lot of chaotic highs and lows? Have you ever thought about this guy while masturbating? I’m guessing you can answer yes to all three questions.

What I’m thinking here is that you’ve got some legitimate feelings for this guy, but you’re not used to his type. You’re used to crazy love. You expect relationships to be a roller coaster ride that derails in a shower of sparks. You watch movies like True Romance or Sid and Nancy and think, “yeah, that’s the idea.”

Well, there’s a flip side to that coin, and you’re experiencing it with this guy. Obviously he’s got you interested, but he’s not playing mind games or pulling the kind of whacked-out stunts that would otherwise confuse you into swooning. His version of romance is more mellow.

Now, don’t worry. He’s not going to turn you into a Dave Matthews fan or anything. When I say mellow, I don’t mean unexciting. Don’t confuse a lack of chaos for boredom. I assure you a slow burn can get just as hot as an explosion. This is a good thing, so go with it. Take your time. Savor it.

I bet the sex will be amazing.

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Advice

On a thieving boyfriend.

im 17 and my boyfriend has a key to my house. when i was flying back to my mom’s, he asked me what time my dad would be picking me up from the airport. while my dad was picking me up, someone went into my house. when i looked around, all i saw missing was an ipod dock. a couple days later, my dad realized his pricey camera was missing. when i was going through my browser history, i happened to see that my boyfriend had a reply in his e-mail about selling a camera. when i got into his e-mail, there were several replies to craigslist ads that he had posted previously. i went to go found the ad on craigslist and sure enough it was my camera..
i confronted him about it, but he keeps denying it. he called me a dick for thinking that my own boyfriend would steal from me. since i went through his e-mail, i already knew that he hadn’t sold it yet and i told him as proof to take a picture of the serial number on the bottom of the camera he has (i really, really wanted to believe him). instead he told me that he had already sold the camera to a guy named randy. i had already seen the e-mail from a guy so i took his e-mail address to ask him about the camera and he replied, saying he never got it. my boyfriend says swears on everything he didn’t do it. i couldn’t bring myself to break up with him even though its been so obvious he’s lying. idk where im going with this, honestly. i just think i wanna know exactly what to do?

Here’s exactly what you do:

First, have your dad change the locks. I’m not kidding about this. Make him call a locksmith. It’s not that expensive to get the locks re-keyed, and neither of you can afford to have your thieving ex-boyfriend running around with a key to the house. Don’t even bother asking for your old key back. I guarantee that he’d just make a copy before returning it to you, if he hasn’t already.

Next, cut off all contact with your now ex-boyfriend. That’s right. You two are broken up. You don’t have to call him and tell him. It’s simply over. If he tries to contact you, ignore him. He’s a liar and a thief. Even if he’s innocent of the robbery (which he isn’t), he called you a dick when you confronted him, and that kind of manipulative dominant behavior is reason enough to end the relationship. If you have anything of his at your place, sell it or burn it. Tell your friends and parents that you’ve cut him out of your life and that you want their help in keeping him away.

Finally, both you and your dad need to call the local police department. Tell them you want to report a break-in and robbery. The cops will be lazy douchebags, but make them come out and file a report. Give them all the details, including who you think did it. Don’t expect much of a follow-up investigation, but keep a copy of the police report on file.

There’s no need to waste energy trying to recover the stolen property. I promise it’s not worth it. Consider it a hard lesson, cut your losses, and just walk away. Ending the relationship and filing a police report is enough to keep you from being a victim here.

In the future, listen to your gut. Stop wanting to believe people. Pick better boyfriends, specifically ones where you don’t feel the need to go through their e-mail.

Be strong and good luck.

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Advice

On being a third wheel

My two closest friends, a guy and a girl, are dating. When the three of us first starting hanging out, they had sex on a pretty regular basis but were just “friends”. That was fine with me because I had no feelings for her or anything, but then she ended up showing interest in me, too. Her and I started hanging out without the other dude and I started to like her too. Unfortunately, though, I didn’t make a move when I had the chance and basically blew it with her. She ended up asking if I was trying to start a relationship with her and when I said yes, said she wasn’t ready to be in a relationship at the time. Though soon after, she started dating the other guy. Well, actually, she calls him her boyfriend, but he assures me that they’re just friends. I think he thinks he’s doing me a favor by hiding their relationship since he knows I was interested in her but I don’t know. We all still occasionally hang out but I get pretty uncomfortable seeing them together. I’d rather not lose my only two friends but I’m also getting sick of feeling like I’m gonna vomit when I see them flirting with each other. So what should I do? Continue being a third wheel? Lose touch with them completely? What?

The situation sucks, but you’re not really in love. It’s just an unrequited crush, and you’re swallowing more pride than anything else. It’s not worth losing friends over a bruised ego.

You’re only a third wheel if you act like one, so the best solution is to stop giving a fuck and find another girl.

Besides, don’t you watch romantic comedies? Right around the time you form a fresh relationship, your friend will express interest in you again, forcing you to choose between the old and the new.

You gotta love the predictability of a classic love triangle.

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Advice

On whether to text first.

I hooked up with this guy I have liked for a while last friday. It is now Sunday and he has not texted me or tried to make any communication. I dont want him to think I like him even though i do.
should i wait for him to text me, or should i text him first?

Wait a few years until you mature into an emotionally honest woman who has enough self respect not to play silly mind games with her cell phone, and then call him.

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Advice

On premature ejaculation.

Every guy I’ve ever been with has came in less than 5 minutes in bed. I’m not exactly sure if I’m just the shit in the sack or I make bad picks, but either way I’m getting no satisfaction. How can I help this?

Not to be a grammar nazi, but in this context I believe the past tense of “has came” is simply “cums.” That is to say, every guy you’re with cums in less than five minutes. Now, onto your larger problem.

Based on your conjugation skills, I’m guessing you’re a college freshman, which means you’re surrounded by guys who talk a big game but haven’t logged many hours inside actual pussy. It’s not that you make bad picks, it’s just that you’re bedding inexperienced dudes.

An obvious solution is to start fucking professors, but if you insist on frat boys your best bet is to get their first orgasm out of the way early.

Make them cum right away, hard and fast. The trick is to make sure they know they’re not done. Keep the sexual energy high and turn their refractory period into extended foreplay. When erection number two pops up, that’s the one you ride.

I promise, the second time around, they’ll fuck a lot longer than five minutes.

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Advice

On how to break up.

I have a boyfriend of 3 months and am not happy. I try to break-up with him, but every time he cries and whines that he’ll do better. He’s a bad liar and a cheap date. How should I break up with him?

Pick up the phone. Dial his number. When he answers, say the following:

“Hey asshole, we are broken up. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Lose my fucking number.”

That’s it. You’re done.

Hang up the phone.

Ignore him.

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Advice

On bloody sex.

I recently started talking with a guy who is into bloodlust. messy, bloody, cutting, sex. I never understood it before, but the way he talks about it makes me melt. I want to give it a try, but it makes me a little nervous. I feel like I should take this opportunity because I know that it is a rare one. Think I should go for it?

Fine. Experiment with bloodplay. Whatever.

Silly little vampire fangirls and your predictable sexual confusion. I suppose if Edward takes a shit on Bella’s chest in the next Twilight novel, you’ll also be wanting tips on how to film a homemade version of 2 Girls 1 Cup.

Do what you like, sweetie. Just know that when you move beyond entry-level bodily fluids during sex, clean-up can get awkward and very unpleasant.

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