“Somewhere back at LAX, I imagine there is a TSA break room where Shanaynay and Shaniqua are wearing my blonde and red wigs while singing karaoke into my travel dildo.”

“The moral of the story is pretty simple — white people are benevolent do-gooders, and black people are helpless, scary animals”

I guess they can be luggage handlers or thieves too?

Well, aren’t you clever?

Look at you, juxtaposing two contrasting statements out of context followed by a smug, passive-aggressive question to make a nebulous ad hominem accusation of racism.

Glenn Beck would be proud.

Are you a TSA agent named Shanaynay or Shaniqua? Is your mom? Unless you can answer yes to one or both of those questions, you have no business being personally offended by that line.

Since you seem to have a sense of self-righteousness where a sense of humor should go, I suggest you stop reading my blog and just stick to Oprah’s book club.

I want to first start by saying you reeeeeally helped me in a previous question I asked (moving the fuck on).

Anyway, I have a friend, who’s family has always kind of treated her like a step child. Her sis is the princess (mind you a princess who said she was going out of state for one week to vacation and ended up staying there to live with a boy, boy got her pregnant, some months later move back here to CA on mommy/daddy’s dime with baby and bf in tow). Her bro is barely around (always at his gf’s). My friend just got a job in her career which she loves but still lives at home to save money. I’m afraid for her sanity that she needs to move out and get her own place, at least a little apartment because her mother is ALL in her business (i.e. looks through her bills and statements to see how much money she has, always asks her who texted/called her, where’s she’s going, who is she talking to on FB, etc. It’s ridiculous. Even more ridiculous is her sis, who lives few doors away (with bf and baby) in same apt building, who thinks its ok to steal my friends clothes out of her closet (even ones with new tags) and get mad at my friend when she asks for them back. I feel bad for her, and I don’t know how else to tell her that she should move out soon for her own sanity? Mind you, she isn’t a kid/teen (she’s 26). And with her job now, I’m sure can afford at the least a studio in our area.

Like you said, she’s not a kid. If she’s not in danger, it’s best not to interfere with family business.

Privacy and dignity are the cost of living under your parents’ roof in your twenties. She may be saving money, but nothing is free.

As long as your friend considers her privacy and dignity to be worth less than rent on a studio apartment, there’s nothing you can really do.

On your most recent advice: if the dude is up on his STD game, he’ll know that pretty much the only way to find out you have herpes is to have an outbreak. Some clinics tell you this, some don’t, but herpes tests aren’t really worth a damn. Most who have herpes will test negative on a blood screen if they’re not having an outbreak at the time. Just fyi.

So, yeah. Sorry. I don’t have herpes and didn’t know this.

I guess our girl will have to wait until her vagina has christmas lights before running her little scam.

Then again, she could just do the right thing and tell him.

Im 30 and I think Ive finally found a guy I can stick with for longer than 3 months. Thing is, one of my ex’s gave me genital herpes and I dont know if I should tell this guy. Ive never told any of my boyfriends between STI guy and current guy but for some reason, with this guy, I keep thinking I should tell him. On the other hand I figure if he proposes, thats when I tell him, haha. Ive never given anyone the virus either btw.

We both know the right thing to do is tell him, but I understand the temptation to play russian roulette with your vagina.

Here’s the deal. You finally found someone you respect enough that you don’t want to lie about your STD. Fine. Congratulations. What you’re really asking me is how to tell him so you don’t lose him.

You’re asking me for secret evil plans.

Normally, I’m not one to advocate manipulation, but I get the sense that if I don’t tell you how to pull this off, you’re just never gonna tell him, and that’s not cool.

If you promise to only use these powers for good, here’s what you do:

First, let him know that you’re going to get yourself tested for STDs. Let it be casual, like it’s part of an annual checkup. Don’t ask him to get tested. It doesn’t involve him at all. All you’re doing is softening the ground so later he doesn’t ask why you felt you needed to get tested. If it seems like routine lady business, guys will never question it.

Go down to Planned Parenthood and get tested for everything. When the test comes back positive for the herp, call him up and freak the fuck out. You’re scared. You’re angry. You’re incredibly upset at the news. You don’t make any accusations, and who knows where you might have gotten it, but you demand he get tested.

Now you’re in it together. Not only have his protective instincts kicked in, but he’s nervous that he might have herpes, and god forbid, what if he’s the one who gave it to you?

He’ll get tested. If it comes back positive, then you two can sail off in the same boat. If he comes back clean, he will be infinitely less likely to break things off with you. He’ll want to comfort you. He’ll want to be adult about it. After all, the two of you have been brought so much closer by the experience.

Before long, you’ll be sending him to the drug store to pick up your Valtrex.

Dear aging bitch,

Do you believe in SSRIs?

Really? You’re gonna call me names and then ask my opinion? Hey, nobody asked you to write in. This isn’t fucking homework. Now apologize and ask nicely.

I’m dating this guy from a semi famous band openly. my friend was looking through my texts, and found out about it, gasp. she thinks i’m being ‘taken advantage of,’ am ‘one of many,’ and it’s all ‘b.s cuz honestly why would he pick you? no offense.’
anyway, I’m not some dumb bitch, and know that the long distance thing isn’t the best and that girls are throwing themselves at him because he’s in a band, but am I being an idiot? I really like him, and it seems like me, but is it worth it? And am I a cunt for wanting to slap this ‘friend’?

Just ignore the jealous bitch. She’s not even worth the slap. After all, haters gonna hate.

So what if you’re one of many? You’re dating a musician, not marrying an accountant. As long as you don’t have any illusions about what might happen on the road, enjoy yourself.

Go have some fucking fun.

The other day my mom called the police on my 19 year old brother for shoving me and then slapping me in the head. I’d provoked the argument, yes, and it was a ridiculous sibling-type argument to begin with. I take full responsibility there. But did I deserve to be hit? No. The thing is, he’s hit me before and actually beaten me up. A couple of months ago he punched me in the nose and almost broke it, and yanked my 21 year old sister by the hair. This happened back in March, and this time it was a much lesser offense, but my mom was actually there to see it finally.

So here’s what really bothers me. I have to testify against him in a few hours at family court, and this may or may not give him a criminal record. I don’t like my brother one bit. For a 19 year old boy, who’s 6’ and 180 pounds to hit a 16 year old girl who’s a foot shorter and 50 pounds lighter is ridiculous. I don’t believe in hitting in the first place ever, except in a case of self-defense. And I didn’t even hit back, either time. But the thing is, as much as I dislike my brother, I still love him and care about him. I don’t want him to have a criminal record, and I don’t want him to hate me forever. He’s possibly bi-polar, suicidal, and has extreme anger management issues. I feel for him and care about him, but I don’t want to allow myself to be hurt again.

So what do I do? All I want is for my brother to realize that I, as a woman, refuse to allow myself to be subjected to abuse. He needs to get his anger under control and not take it out on me or any other woman. But like I said, I don’t want him to hate me for the rest of his life, because I DO love him. He’s my brother and when he isn’t out of control, he’s an amazing person. It’s in these cases where he really is ugly.

I don’t really know what I’m getting at, other than how can I keep my brother from absolutely hating me? I just need some reassurance that we’ll get through this, but mostly that I will. And am I wrong in still loving my brother? I feel like I am, but I hope I’m not.

You’re worried about your abuser hating you? You sound like a battered wife.

He’s your fucking brother. He’s family. To the extent that he’s capable of love, he will always love you. Regardless of how he feels, his emotional state is not your responsibility.

He’s a fucking adult who should face adult consequences. I’m sorry that it falls on you to be the one to hold his feet to the fire, but again, you’re family. Better you be the one to deal with it now than it fall to a string of his beaten and victimized girlfriends.

As much as your brother needs treatment for his anger management, you and your mom need to seek treatment to arm yourselves with a few coping skills. The fallout of domestic violence isn’t isolated to just your brother. Abusive men aren’t created in a vacuum. Your entire family could use a little airing out.

You’re going through a tough time right now. I could tell you that things will be fine and you’ll get through it, but that kind of empty reassurance helps no one.

Go get help. You need it. You deserve it.

If you do that, things may very well end up being okay.