My parents are forcing me to go to bible camp for three days. I’m not religious at all. How can I make it more fun for me, if you know what I mean? Sex, drugs, and electronica are all welcome. I’m 15.

You’ve got the right idea. I’m sure you’ll be fine.

Hell, I remember bible camp. Fucking loved it. Those things are usually run by sappy, credulous neo-hippie Jesus freaks. They’re relatively harmless and easy to fool. As long as you don’t do any property damage, you can get away with bloody murder.

Don’t worry. It won’t be hard to find a core group of like-minded campers and raise a little hell. At meal time when everyone else bows their heads in prayer, keep your eyes open. Look around. See all those other kids stealing sideways glances? Those are the fun ones. If anybody brought weed, you can guarantee it’s one of them.

Ignore all the bible banging. Seriously, just tune it out. They can insist that you show up for church, but you don’t have to sing the hymns. It’s perfectly okay to be a conscientious objector. Be polite, but be firm. Don’t ever let them make you do or say something that violates your spiritual or intellectual integrity.

Walk around with a copy of Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris. It’ll be your antidote to all the crazy christian nonsense. Give it away to someone on your last day.

Other than that, just have fun. Swim in a lake, roast a marshmallow, and make out with somebody. Whatever you do, don’t take any of it seriously. It’s just fucking camp.

When did you start smoking cigarettes? Do you think 14/15 is too young to start? If someone starts (well, me) at 14 (already started), is it possible to keep it under control or should I stop altogether? How do you smoke? Are you addicted? Please map this ground out for me because I’m lost.

I had my first cigarette in a church camp bathroom, not coincidentally on the same night that someone’s finger other than my own first found it’s way inside my vagina. All in all, a pretty wild night for an eighth grader.

I never really started smoking, though. Much like getting fingerbanged, it was just something that happened every once in a while when I was sneaking around with high school boys.

In college, I would smoke with friends who smoked, but I never actually bought cigarettes myself. These days, I keep a pack of Parliaments laying around like I keep beers in the fridge. They’re on hand for when I have guests, and occasionally if I’m in a particular mood.

I guess you could say I’m a pack-a-month smoker, which means on an average day I could call myself a non-smoker and no one would know the difference.

That’s just it, though. I’ll never become someone who needs a cigarette every day. I won’t ever let it become a habit. As habits go, cigarettes are fucking disgusting. The dry cleaning bills alone make it a stupid idea.

Of all the shit I put into my body, cigarettes do the most damage and leave the most lasting negative effects. Sure, when I’m high as fuck, I’ll smoke like a chimney, but that doesn’t make it any less gross.

Not to start sounding like a PSA, but a couple of my crazy party friends happen to be doctors. These guys have shoved ecstasy up my ass, and I’ve done cocaine off their cocks. They know their way around every recreational poison you can imagine, and they’ve told me the same thing every time: smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body.

So there it is. Maybe it’s a bit of a mixed message, but I hope you understand that I’m not holding myself out as an example. Sure, I smoke a little, but I do all kinds of whacked out shit that I obviously shouldn’t do.

You’re only fourteen. If you’ve already started smoking, you’re fucked. You should absolutely quit. Never let yourself get addicted to anything, especially something so damaging as cigarettes.

So, my boyfriend wants me to give him a blowjob. I love him, and we’ve had sex, but they just really aren’t my thing. I told him no, and stood by it.

Now he’s saying I’m a hypocrite, because he ate me out once.

Am I being a hypocrite? I mean, I don’t think I’ll do it, even if I am, but still.

Maybe he’ll hear it better from you.

Oh, and just so you know, he’s 18, I’m 17, we’ve been together 10 months.

This question is cuter than a basket of puppies. High school sweethearts who had actual sex before oral sex? It’s darling.

Listen, sweetie. You’re not being a hypocrite, you’re just being a bit old fashioned. That’s fine. It’s your body. You decide what goes in what hole.

Your boyfriend is showing his immaturity by expecting reciprocity for oral sex, and you should never feel obligated to participate in a sex act.

That being said, you can’t expect guys not to want blowjobs. They all want blowjobs. All the time. Always. Nothing will change that, and nothing will stop your boyfriend from getting the blowjobs he wants.

As awful as it may seem, this is the reason your boyfriend will eventually break up with you. He’ll never admit it, maybe not even to himself, but once he’s sure you’ll never give him head, he’ll be on his way out.

This is probably more brutal truth than you wanted to hear, but you need to hear it. Better you figure it out now than spend your early twenties wondering why guys keep breaking up with you.

Is it okay to start drinking strawberry and lime cider at half 9 in the morning because im bored?

Strawberry and lime cider? Am I big in Sweden or something? Are you fucking twelve?

If you’re going to get hammered for breakfast, at least have the dignity to do it with real alcohol. Whiskey. Vodka. Beer if you must.

Unless you’re poolside with Truman Capote, no self-respecting day drinker would ever tie one on with a fizzy drink where more than one fruit is involved.

Should I be embarrassed about sleeping with whatever guy at work I feel like fucking? I’ve already nailed two of them but there’s at least one more I intend on conquering.

Should you be embarrassed? Perhaps if you were caught fucking on the copier at work, but don’t confuse embarrassment for guilt.

Morons and sociopaths often don’t know the difference, but embarrassment requires that your socially unacceptable behavior be revealed to others in some undignified manner, whereas guilt is what you feel internally for knowing that you’ve done wrong.

I’m not saying that fucking guys at work is necessarily wrong, but it’s usually a bad idea. Plus, it says a lot about your character that you want someone like me to give you the thumbs up to shit where you eat.

Honestly, I don’t care whether you’re embarrassed or guilty. It’s your career and it’s your reputation. Do what you want with both.

After checking my boyfriend’s browsing history on his laptop (I know I shouldn’t!), I found out that he likes to look mainly at picture of girls with “big naturals.” And by that I mean BIG—like 36FFF and shit like that.  I’m a typical B cup.  He says he thinks I’m sexy, my tits are great, and we have great sex.  But I can’t get this out of my head!  What should I do?

Stop checking your boyfriend’s browsing history.