Category Archives: Advice

Advice

On a quick slap.

First of all, you’re hilarious. I read every single one of your posts in the last two days and laughed my ass off to each. You cock slap everyone in the face and they all walk away wounded and I fucking love it. It’s now time for you to slap me in the face with some real advice and please slap me hard. My ex boyfriend, and also the guy that I lost my virginity to, has been back in the picture for the past four months. We’ve been sleeping with each other easily 3-4 times a day almost every day. The problem is he leaves in a month to live in a different state. I know that he’s leaving so I’m almost disengaging myself from him emotionally. Most of the time it seems like he’s really interested in being in a relationship but sometimes it just seems he’s in it for the sex. He asks me to go stay with him, and even offered to pay for the airfare, and he calls/texts me 24/7 BUT the only time we fight is if God forbid I don’t want to sleep with him. This morning, for instance, we had sex once and I was about to leave (20 minutes later) and he wanted to have sex again. I told him no and he got all pissy. Truthfully the only time that we fight is when I don’t want to have sex. So, he gets all pissy and I leave and 30 seconds later he’s calling and apologizing to me about acting like a dousche lord. What’s your opinion on this? Please, make this slap hurt!

What do you want me to say? You’re getting fucked by a bratty man-child more often than you have hot meals.

I think you want this slap to hurt because you’re hoping if I hit you hard enough, it’ll knock you into a level of maturity where you’ll know the difference between being a girlfriend and being a cum dumpster.

He’s leaving in a month. He’s already been your ex-boyfriend once. You’re disengaging for a reason, kiddo. The relationship may not be officially over yet, but it’s circling the drain.

Feel free to start tapering off the fuck sessions, and don’t put up with any of his shit. If you aren’t in the mood, don’t fuck him.

By summertime, you’ll have a whole new boyfriend anyway.

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Advice

On the teens of today.

What are your feelings on the sex crazed culture facing the teens of today?

1. I don’t accept your premise that our culture is sex crazed, nor that sexuality in general is something that must be “faced” in any adversarial way.

2. Fuck the teens of today. They’ve got it great. Anybody who thinks otherwise doesn’t understand the cyclical nature of society.

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Advice

On finding an equal.

I’m early-thirties, single, good-looking, about to become fairly wealthy from a hot start-up.

I’m trying to break out of my pattern of relationships. Typically I’ll be single for a couple years, some girl that I’m not really into will express some interest and I’ll go on a date to be a good sport, if I’m lonely or desperate I’ll sleep with them and then find myself attached to someone I’m mostly bored by. Then I get sick of it and dump them and it’s a big mess.

It’s not that I can’t approach girls; I just never seem to meet any decent ones who are single. In fact, I can’t even recall the last time I met one. They all seem to have boyfriends — and hell, that makes perfect sense, why wouldn’t a cute, interesting chick have a boyfriend?

The only answer I can come up with is that such girls are /never/ single, they just date a guy until someone better comes along. A friend of mine called that “monkeys swing from trees.” If that’s the case, the only logical course of action is to go ahead and consider girls-with-boyfriends fair game. And that’s sleazy.

About to become wealthy, eh? Well then, your pattern of relationships is gonna change anyway, so I’ll go ahead and skip over this bland question and answer the one you’re guaranteed to have in about a year.

So yeah, instead of boring, not-quite-decent girls occasionally expressing interest in you, your dance card is about to be full of fascinating, attractive women who crave your attention.

Yes, it’s the money.

Your question will be, “How can I tell if they’re really interested in me as a person, and not just enamored with the lifestyle I can provide them?”

Judging by the way you already think of relationships, I can tell you’re already pretty terrified of this. Guys who are looking for a “decent” woman tend to have a massive madonna-whore complex, and when money gets thrown into the mix, it’s a recipe for an unhealthy dynamic.

The trick will be finding your equal, whatever that means to you. Stop looking for a decent girl, and start looking for your equal.

When you’re looking for a decent girl, you’re using an external set of criteria upon which to judge her character. When you’re looking for your equal, you’re using an internal set of criteria. It’s a subtle distinction, but it makes all the difference in the world.

Oh, and if she flinches at a pre-nup, run for the hills.

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Advice

On selfish screamers.

I’m a screamer, and nothing is more infuriating than being told my passion is “too loud” and being tossed something to bite on. What do you suggest I do or say the next time he tells me to keep it down?

How about you try being considerate of those around you and just shut the fuck up? You’re waking up the neighbors, bitch. Nobody wants to hear you cum.

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Advice

On locking your door.

My roommatelandlord walked in on me masturbating…then ran out of the house in shock. She is extremely conservative; I know her religion forbids masturbation. I am terrified she will kick me out. I am a student in a new town with no place to go. I want to apologize to her but don’t know how to bring up the topic when she comes back or even what to say. I am really scared and embarrassed. Please help me…

Nope. Not gonna help. Just gonna laugh at your ridiculous situation.

I suggest you do the same.

Seriously, laugh it off. You have no reason to be scared or embarrassed. You’ve done nothing wrong. She’s the one who should apologize for acting like a lunatic, not you. 

She won’t kick you out, but I suggest you move anyways. You’re better off homeless than under the roof of that kind of crazy.

Oh, and here’s a tip. Next time you’re choosing where to live, pick a roommate who doesn’t believe in a sexually repressed imaginary man in the sky.

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Advice

On online dating sites.

All my male friends are on eHarmony. So I, a female, decided to sign up after leaving my ex. Do you honestly think people can fall in love with someone they met online? It feels so unnatural. Like I’m picking out my dog based on pictures and carefully scripted “About Me’s.”

Sure. People can fall in love with someone they meet online. Haven’t you seen all those shitty commercials? It happens all the time.

Quite frankly, when you consider the historical alternatives, the digital love pimps over at eHarmony have put together a rather elegant and streamlined version of a traditional courtship ritual. It only feels unnatural because you’re not used to it.

If you take a moment to stop and look around, you’ll find that our world is full of commonplace extravagances that humans living in any other era would consider bizarre.

You want to talk unnatural? How about ordering processed food off of glossy picture menus at chain restaurant? That shit is way more unnatural than something like eHarmony, but fuck it. You’ll order up some jalapeno poppers at TGI Fridays without giving it a second thought.

All I’m saying is that a picture menu is a picture menu. We live in a culture that likes to look at a product shot and point. It doesn’t matter if it’s a husband or a basket of curly fries. Order up.

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Advice

On when not to be a lady.

So I always thought I was pretty open when it comes to sex, I’ve always been able to tell whoever I’m fucking how I like it and what I want.

However I’ve been with this amazing guy for four months and he told me he thinks I’m closed off about sex. I was pretty bummed out that he thinks of me like that, as I’ve always been proud of myself as someone who’s proud of her sexuality and needs. The thing is, he does everything I like and more, so I don’t feel the need to start talking when we’re fucking. Do you think this is his way of getting me to talk dirty? If so, how do I introduce that into a relationship when I’ve not done it for four months?

Also do you think I’m trying to act like a ‘lady’ by not talking dirty because I really like him?

His remark strikes me as a bit of unconscious manipulation. He was feeling threatened by the power balance in the relationship, and his ego reached out and gave you a little passive aggressive bitch slap.

This isn’t a bad thing. It most likely means he’s got legitimate feelings for you, and this is his clumsy way of exerting control over the situation. It’s not just that he wants you to talk dirty. He wants you to obey him by talking dirty. It’s a dominance thing, but not in an unhealthy way.

Also, yes. You are definitely holding back with this guy because you really like him. There’s a difference between being ladylike in bed and being sexually submissive. One is passive. One is active. He just wants you to be more active.

That all being said, don’t overthink this one. There’s really not even a problem here. Next time you’re fucking, just let go. Show him some freak.

I promise, you’ll both have more fun.

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Advice

On setting your biological clock.

My boyfriend and I have been happily together for 5 years. We’re in our early 30’s. I want kids one day and he doesn’t have that desire. He said maybe that could change down the line, but he doesn’t know. I’m curious about your take on this – Enjoy our kick ass relationship and hope / wait? Or break up with him and find a partner who wants kids?

Yeah. Tough spot.

Here’s the thing. Would he make a good father? If not, ditch him now and get it over with.

On the other hand, If he’s brimming with unrealized daddy potential, perhaps you should consider waiting a bit longer until you both hit the seven year itch in your relationship.

Things are good now. You’re not ready for kids yet, and there’s at least a chance that he’ll lose a few hairs, realize his age, and grow out of whatever extended urban adolescence is preventing him from wanting to enter a state of fatherhood.

Don’t count on it, though. When the seven year itch rolls around, there will be a natural phase when both of you start questioning what you want out of the relationship. If you don’t catch him wondering what it would be like to have a male heir, take the opportunity to move on.

You’ll be in your mid thirties — still young enough to go looking, but old enough for it not to seem conspicuous that kids are at the top of your to-do list.

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Advice

On being young and stupid.

How young do you consider too young to lose your virginity? I am 14, and recently had sex with my boyfriend of about two months. We were smart about it, and I have legitimate feelings for the guy. I don’t regret it at all. Do I even need to pay attention when people get on to me for “being young and stupid”?

Too young? It really depends. Could be thirteen. Could be eighteen. Age is just a number, and the teens are a tricky set of years.

So yeah, you lost your virginity at a young age. So what? You were smart, safe, and you don’t regret being with someone for whom you have legitimate feelings.

Trust me, kiddo. You did better than most.

That’s not to say you won’t fuck up in the future. What they say is true. Everyone your age is young and stupid, but that’s perfectly okay. You’re supposed to be.

You’re gonna do some stupid shit. Fine. Just keep your wits about you as often as possible, and whatever you do, don’t get pregnant.

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Advice

On being a prostitute.

What kind of person can handle being a prostitute? I know you’ve gotten a lot of questions on prostitution, but I really want to know what it takes. Can you ever desensitize yourself enough to really treat it like any other job and keep your self respect and sex life going in at home? I feel like in theory someone could but in reality there’s no way they wont come out damaged. It’s not exactly a low-risk work environment.

Sweetie, you’re not going to make it through this life undamaged. Count on it.

Quite frankly, I’m not even sure I accept the premise of your question. It doesn’t take a special person to “handle” being a prostitute. You don’t inherently lose self respect or a personal sex life.

Plus, what type of prostitution are we talking about here? I’ve said it before, the world is full of sex workers, each with her own set of special circumstances. A stripper has it different than a porn star, and a porn star has it different than an escort.

Let’s assume for the sake of simplicity that you’re talking about a traditional, middle-of-the-road call girl or escort who isn’t streetwalking or supporting a drug habit. I think you’d be surprised how common and everyday most of those girls really are at their core. Sure, they’re desensitized to certain things, but the ones I know have more traditional values than I do.

Desensitization is good, by the way. It’s necessary in a functioning society full of dirty jobs. You may puke your guts out on your first day at the slaughterhouse, but after a couple weeks you’re happy to come home and have a burger, you know? Sure, you’re never gonna look at meat the same way again, but that doesn’t change how good it tastes.

The question is, do you want to see how the sausage is made? Sorry about overextending the metaphor, but that’s really what you should be asking yourself.

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