When I was about 8 I was molested by a close relative who was in his teens. Nine years have passed and I have accepted the past abuse. I’m ready for sex. But before that, I wanted your opinion on something: How the fuck do I describe myself to those who ask about my history? Am I a never-been-touched virgin because I had a terrible if any grasp on what sex really is when I was 8? Do I not tell them because it’s none of their business? Am I whatever the hell I want to be?

First things first. Have you had treatment for your childhood trauma? If you haven’t, please do. Regardless of whether you’ve accepted the past abuse, therapy is essential. Actually, these kinds of questions are exactly the kind of thing you’d want to discuss in treatment. I promise it’ll help you figure shit out.

As for my opinion, you should feel free to consider yourself a virgin. What you experienced wasn’t sex. It was sexual abuse. The two aren’t the same. You should feel perfectly honest telling a guy you’ve never had sex — not that it’s his business to begin with.

It’s probably best that you don’t talk to guys about your molestation outside of therapy. It’s a topic that requires a high degree of emotional maturity to process, and it’s likely to get in the way of teenage relationships.

Again, regardless of whether you’ve had treatment in the past, I strongly recommend that you find a therapist who you can talk to as you become sexually active.

Good luck.

I’m a quiet kind of girl. I’m perfectly happy spending my Friday night with my cat, my bubbler, and some Pete Townshend. But every so often I get bored enough to want to go out and go to parties. It’s not to hard to find one around here, since my town was built from drunk 17 year-olds and pot. The problem is, none of my friends ever expect me to want to go out and party, and I feel bad inviting myself along, even though I know they wouldn’t get mad at me. I still just feel a little bit bad asking and inviting myself. So what do I do? I’m sixteen, beautiful, and occasionally bored. As much as I love getting high with my cat, I’d much rather be getting high with a cute boy. How do I drop the hint to my friends to actually invite me places?

Get rid of the cat.

I’ll make this quick, me and my friend are both in the military, he’s about to go to afghan, he’s not even 21 yet. He’s about to get married. Call me an optimst but of all those facts the one I’m worried about is the fact that he’s about to get married. To a girl I honestly think I could fuck if we were both drunk enough. Dude won’t listen, gimmie a course of action that doesn’t involve me shooting him in the face plz. Ty in advance.

Get drunk enough and fuck her. Throw yourself on the grenade. It’ll destroy your friendship, but it’ll save him from ruining his life more than he already has.

If you think she cheats that easily, you could always hire a private investigator to get some video evidence. Confront him with your own little homemade episode of “Cheaters.”

Really, there’s no way to do this without being tacky and creepy, so if you’re gonna do it, you gotta commit.

Otherwise, all you can do is refuse to be his best man.

I have a close friend who has been in the same relationship for most of her young life (we’re in college). She frequently talks about marrying her boyfriend after we graduate, and has pictures of them together plastered all over her room (she jokingly calls it “a shrine” to him, but that’s pretty close to the truth).

However, she frequently cheats on him. I have read what you have to say about monogamy and fidelity, and I agree, but in this case there is no communication between my friend and her boyfriend. She rarely tells him about these hook-ups (and if she does it’s a considerably tamer version that the real story), and would throw a fit if he ever did the same. I think, and she’s admitted, that these hookups are really self-esteem boosts for her, and don’t mean much of anything. But she does get jealous when she hears about the men she’s slept with sleeping with other people.

I have a huge problem with what she’s doing, but I’ve never had the balls to tell her. I think she needs tell him everything, and have a mutual understanding in the relationship about casual sex. Or just be single for a while. However, I usually just listen to her stories and say nothing. Do I have any place in this situation to say anything? Or should I just keep my mouth shut?

She’s acting like an immature cunt, but it’s not your place to butt into their relationship.

On the other hand, you sure as hell don’t have to sit there and listen to her stories. She tells you in part to seek your tacit approval for the infidelity, and when you don’t call her out, it eases a bit of whatever guilt she might be feeling. Don’t give her the satisfaction.

Tell her that you don’t want to hear it. Tell her that you don’t respect her infidelity, and that you’ve lost trust in her as a friend after seeing the way she disrespects her boyfriend. When she tells you it’s different, tell her no, it’s not.

She’s a cheater. A petty, jealous cheater. It’s not acceptable behavior and you have a huge problem with it. Tell her.

Don’t get involved, but let her know how you feel.

Me and my girlfriend of almost three years broke up. Our first year together was the happiest year of my life. I confessed I was bi six months into the relationship and she was okay with it. We moved in together. We were madly in love, we probably had less than three arguments at the time, and then her mom died.

It broke her heart. I stayed with her through thick and thin and did everything I could to improve her quality of life. 21 is too young to lose a mother.

Her death started a chain reaction. We began having problems. She was an emotional wreck and couldn’t help but take things out on me. I still loved her to death but started to regret moving in with her and feeling trapped in a room of mourning. She graduated college a year before me, and she moved 500 miles away where she was originally from. Her dad needed her more than I did. I felt smothered from the whole situation and we prematurely broke up.

That didn’t last long. WIthin a month we were back together. We still loved each other but things were different. Long distance is terrible when your girlfriends mourning, you’re a full time student without the funds for a plane ticket, and you don’t have a reliable car. I am a film maker and the only time to film are the weekends. Weekends she did visit became stressful. I was being forced to choose her over a dozen friends. Somewhere along the line she encouraged me to explore men, but when I did it backfired on me. Hooked up with a dude she helped me pick up. Somehow she was surprised by the outcome and it fucked up the relationship up more.

We’ve been doing the long distance thing for a year and a half. The past six months we’ve probably broken up and gotten back together three times, but this time we seem to be dead serious. We need a break from each other. We need to work on our own happiness before we can make each other happy.

I would be okay with it except for one thing. One of her co-workers clams he is in love with her. They started out as gym partners and I fully trusted her. She said he had a girlfriend/baby mama. He did but it ended. The last couple months we were together he was fully trying to move in on her. She clams she never had feelings for him, denies he has anything to do with us breaking up this time, yet they are now dating less than a month later. She called me in tears about a week ago to tell me she made out with him and she “can’t do this anymore.” I suspect he made her make the call. After having a meaningful ten minute conversation about it, I realized dude was with her listening to everything. She says she is starting to like him. Everyone else I know that has met him claims he’s a douche, including her 3 siblings. I am close to one of her sisters and she wont even hang out with her when he’s there.

She says she still loves me, but things are different.

I still love her.

She is the most real and good person I have ever met.

I told her one day I would come back for her. I’ve asked her if it would be a mistake to someday day move to her area. She won’t deny or confirm.

Do I move on? Am I fucked? Could we ever be as happy together as we once were? What’s your opinion? I have a hunch what your response might sound like, but I’ve began following your blog religiously. Hearing your opinion might help me out. You’re fucking awesome.

You know damn well it’s time to move on.

Not only is she five hundred miles away, but it sounds like she’s gearing up for a douchebag phase. This is neither your fault nor your problem, and there is nothing you can do (or should do) to stop, fix, or otherwise interfere with it.

Sever ties with her for a while. That way, you won’t lose respect for her when she starts making a series of bad decisions, and you won’t fuck up and try to rescue her when her relationships turn to shit.

You had a good run. Three years in your early twenties is solid, but it’s time to box up the relationship and stick it in the attic. The alternative is ugly and considerably more painful.

It’s better that you think of each other with love, remember your time together fondly, and simply move on.

Good luck with whatever’s next!