Category Archives: Advice

Advice

On why the hell not

I used to think “hey, you’re a grown up; I’m a grown up, we both want to, why the hell not”. Which is totally fine for one night stands but somehow undermines longer relationships. I’m starting a new one with someone who I actually went out on a date with first off and I don’t want to fuck it up just yet. How novel.

So, straight up, what’s your timeline of action for pretending to be a respectable young woman?

I don’t pretend to be respectable. I am respectable.

More importantly, I respect myself. I’m not saying you don’t, but your problem is that you’re asking “why the hell not?” when you should be simply asking “why?”

You’re both grown ups, you both want to, so why should you fuck?

Do you see the difference? One question cheapens the sex, the other gives it importance.

Also, don’t be afraid to literally ask it. Acknowledge that you love to fuck, and acknowledge that you would love to fuck him. Discuss it openly. Turn it into foreplay.

Once you’ve answered that question, it doesn’t matter whether it’s the first date or the fifth.

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Advice

On overthinking bisexuality.

Listen,

I’ve realized that my insecurities have made me selfish, and in turn, I’ve lost the person I love.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I’ve had 2 failed long term relationships, one with a girl the other with a guy. The time for college experimentation is up I guess, and I feel like the only result I’ve achieved is putting myself in a sexuality headlock. I’m a smart guy, but I work off of flawed logic. For example:

I am too intimidated to be with girls and to ashamed to with guys, my gut instinct is to embrace lonliness and cut my losses.

They say sexuality works on a specturm, but does it account for cowardice?

Any advice?

Please kick me in the ass hard enough to break my apathy.

-Lost in my own preconceptions

This is painful to read.

You’ve got a lot of intelligence, a little bit of self-awareness, and absolutely no spine. That’s a recipe for a fucking James Joyce novel, not a life.

Shame and intimidation are de rigueur in the post-modern mating ritual, so worry less about that and more about your tendency to overthink everything.

For instance, I sincerely doubt that your gut instinct is telling you to embrace loneliness and cut your losses. That conclusion requires a high degree of rational logic, which makes it a product of your spinning mind rather than your gut, regardless of whether it’s emotional in nature.

If you really consulted your gut instinct, it would probably render a primal, short-term solution. Something along the lines of, “go get shitfaced and fuck the first person that makes extended eye contact.”

Not a bad idea in your case.

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Advice

On getting more head.

How do I get my boyfriend to go down on me more often? I keep a clean, smooth shop, the sex is great, and I am more than willing to reciprocate the action. He claims to just “not be in the mood” to give me head, but come on, if I’m willing to swallow some cock I’d better be on the receiving end of a hyperactive tongue.

Kindly inform him that a man’s tongue will spend at least one hour per week on your pussy.

Whether it’s his is entirely up to him.

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Advice

On long-distance relations

I’ve been together with my boyfriend for about 3 months, I guess not very long, but that’s just the way it is- it had been coming for a couple of months before we actually ‘got together’. Everything is great together, and I love him to bits. He’s not just my lover, but also my best friend, I can talk to him about anything, and I trust him.

The only problem is that in December, I’m moving to Victoria, and he’s going to Western Australia for a job. We’ve decided not to break up, but I’m semi sceptical about long-distance relationship, and was wondering what your view was about them. (Thanks!)

If you’re just in the mood for casual couplehood or if the separation from one another is indefinite, I don’t recommend trying the long distance thing.

If you’ve got something really special, and you’re intimate and open enough to forge ahead with a customized arrangement, then you’ve got a shot. Regardless, you both have to be strong enough for the special circumstances that will inevitably arise.

I say that because I’m in one now. It’s easy for me because I’m predisposed to not giving a fuck, but if you’re a traditionalist you’ll have a tough time going the distance.

To last more than a few months, you’ll need to adjust your notion of fidelity by allowing each other to engage in harmless flirtation and meaningless sex while away from one another.

It may seem crass, but most necessary evils are.

I’m not suggesting you each get a hall pass to fuck indiscriminately. More like a “get out of jail free” card for dealing with consequences to occasional urges.

He’s a guy, after all. Best friend or not, he’s got physical needs, and quite frankly so do you. Repressing those needs will lead to resentment which if ignored will ultimately cause the relationship to disintegrate.

Both time and distance are a factor here. The longer you two will be apart and the further you two are away from one another, the more relaxed the rules need to become.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it also makes the heart grow the fuck up. Be prepared for a brutal learning experience, and if it doesn’t work, don’t be too hard on yourself.

Good luck.

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Advice

On asking the wrong girl for advice.

I’ve been seeing this chick for several months now. Great girl in every capacity, I’m extremely happy. With that said, for all intents and purposes, I’ve seen and fucked pretty much everything in the past several years and while it’s slowed down since I’ve started seeing her more seriously, it surely hasn’t stopped. The experience of seeing other girls has shaped exactly what I don’t want in someone – and now I believe that I’ve found exactly what I do want.

Just, it hasn’t slowed me down when at the bars with friends. It’s not even that I want to see anyone else (and, I believe I truly don’t), it’s just so easy to take down quality vagina.Will I ever stop sticking my dick in random girls? How? If I continue at this pace and get caught, I’ll surely ruin a great thing with a great girl.

Are you really asking me how to stop fucking bar skanks? Is this a joke? If this is a prank question, I’m impressed with your ability to write in the voice of a monumental douchebag.

If this question is for real, I encourage you to get a vasectomy and remove yourself from the gene pool.

If I ever overheard a guy purposefully utter the phrase, “it’s just so easy to take down quality vagina,” I would take great pleasure in crushing his ego under my stiletto heel and then wiping it off with the soggy half of my bar napkin.

Don’t worry, fuckstick. Your relationship already came pre-ruined because you are in it.

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Advice

On internet porn.

I’m engaged and I love my dude, but I’m pretty sure he’s addicted to porn. I know, it sounds fucking stupid, but there’s no other explanation for what’s going on. I’ll wake up in the morning and leave our room to get some water or make lunch for later and he’ll be on his computer. As soon as he realizes that I’m in the room, he starts typing quickly and talks to me about whatever website he’s looking at. I’m not stupid, I know he’s beating off. I watch porn too, so it’s not a huge deal for me, but when you have a chick in the room next to you who LOVES to get her bone on, it doesn’t make sense to be fapping before work. I haven’t gained weight, I don’t cry during sex, I know I’m not boring in bed, and he’s for sure not cheating. It’s making me feel shitty about myself and it’s pretty much ruining my sex drive (which was pretty high). I already manned up and spoke to him about it, but I certainly don’t feel any better and I honestly don’t know what else to do about it.

The good news is, this isn’t about you — he’s normal and not at all addicted to porn.

The porn was there before you showed up, and it’ll be there after you’re gone. Our pool of eligible bachelors and boyfriends have been downloading endless streams of progressively raunchier and raunchier hardcore pornography for well over a decade.

It’s really quite remarkable when you consider that by the time our guys have jerked their way through a single bottle of Jergens, they’ve absorbed more XXX action than existed in all the world at the time of their births.

Try contemplating the breadth, depth, and mind-boggling magnitude of all the porn sites, porn genres, and porn stars freely available for viewing at every hour. Do you honestly expect to compete with just one measly vagina?

You could be a bisexual nymphomaniac fashion model and you still couldn’t hold your own against internet porn, which leads me to the bad news: this isn’t about you — he’s normal and not at all addicted to porn.

You couldn’t be more wrong in your assumption that “when you have a chick in the room next to you who LOVES to get her bone on, it doesn’t make sense to be fapping before work.”

I’m sorry, but ask any straight guy without a vested interest in boning you, and if he’s honest he’ll tell you that sexing the ol’ ball-and-chain can be a chore, but getting a good wank in before work is pure recreation.

In other words, when he’s fucking, he’s trying to please you. When he’s jerking, he’s trying to please himself. Surely you understand the difference.

I’ve dealt with this very situation, and if you’re willing to put in a little extra effort, I’ve got a foolproof solution that will have him mounting you in no time.

Next time you catch him in the act, tell him you want to replace his hand with your mouth. Don’t let him stop surfing the porn. Go down on him right then and there with no hesitation and make sure he keeps surfing the porn as if you weren’t even in the room. Make it about pleasing him, and I guarantee you he’ll eventually shove the computer aside and pound you like the pornstar he was just watching.

Good luck.

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Advice

On friends who rat.

Sometimes I just want to bitchslap every single one of my friends, and I mean that. I really do. Apparently, being friends with me means that we’re “all in this together.” Including working at the same place and being in the same school clubs. I can’t have any privacy.

I signed up for a club at school that I was genuinely interested in/I could go to blazed without getting in any trouble. After I told my friends I’d signed up, so did they. And now I can’t do shit in the club, nor am I allowed to miss any meetings, because if I do, one of them hounds me for it or rats on me for skipping.

They even followed me to my job. I just got a job as a waitress at a cafe, and about two weeks after I was hired, my friend went and got a job there too. I love my friend, I really, really do, but the lack of privacy is killing me. I can’t have ten minutes alone, nor can I go out and have a smoke without being told on.

What do I do? Am I just being a whiney 16 year old brat, or are my friends mad creepy?

Friends don’t rat, plain and simple. Do these bitches a favor and embarrass the fuck out of them for being a tattle-tales.

Shame them. Be cruel. They need some tough love.

Lay down the fucking law — bitch better light your cigarette and shut the fuck up or you’ll choke her out with her own pigtails.

Don’t ever put up with a rat.

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Advice

On asking for help.

I have bulimia. I know I do, and I know I have a problem. I’ve had this problem since I was thirteen, and I’m seventeen now. The thing is, I think that I’d actually like some help. I don’t like the way I feel right now, and I hate hating myself, if that makes sense. The thing is, I’m afraid of what may happen if I admit that I have an eating disorder. Will I get sent to a hospital? Therapy? I don’t fucking know, and that scares me. I think my friends would be there for me, but I’m afraid of how they’d take it. What would you do, if anything? Am I being totally over dramatic?

First off, you deserve massive kudos for recognizing you have a problem. That alone will insure you won’t be staying in a hospital, so don’t worry, Winona. They’re not gonna go all Girl Interrupted on your ass.

You’re probably looking at some psychological counseling and nutritional counseling. Nothing to fear, really. It’ll probably just feel like one more weekly extra-curricular activity.

Before asking your parents for help, do a little online research about your treatment options. Find a few programs in your area. You may want to start here.

Only spend an hour or two with the research. There’s no need to obsess about all the crap that’s online. Print out a few pages of the most helpful material and plan out a time when you can have a sit-down with your parents. (You can download a ready-to-print resource guide here.)

Bring the stuff you print to the conversation. Trust me on this. It will help answer their questions and immediately alleviate some of their anxiety.

Start the conversation exactly like you started your note to me, “I have bulimia. I know I do, and I know I have a problem.”

The rest will take care of itself.

As for your friends, of course they’ll be there for you, but don’t tell them just yet. Wait until you’re in treatment and talk with your therapist about how best to involve friends with your healing.

Breath easy, sweetheart. You’re gonna get well.

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Advice

On thinking outside her box.

so I hung out with this guy who I like’s girlfriend (with him) and something happened worse then her being a bitch. We had an alpha female moment in the beginning (aka she stared me down for a moment) But, she was really nice to me and complimented my eyes. Wanted to hate her damn it. Anyway, now that I can’t…ahem…morally…ahem… swoop in and steal him, should I just fuck it and get over it? In all honesty, I’m really in it for the nookie, being that I’m in college and a virgin and just want to fuck already.

Why not have your cake and eat her too?

The girlfriend already seems cool, so be straight up with her. Let her know that you respect their relationship, so you’re asking her permission for something a little freaky and fun.

Tell her you’ve always wanted to lose your virginity in a threesome, and that you think they’d be the perfect couple.

If you ask the right way, I think you’d be surprised to find her open to the idea.

College is for experimenting, after all, and for the rest of your life you’d have an amazing story to the question of how you lost your virginity.

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Advice

On teenage sweethearts

I’ve been in a relationship for four years off-and-on with the same guy. How practical would it be to move in together? Both of us have steady jobs, he’s already moved out with room mates at the moment, but I’m still living with my parents so that I can save up more money for the possibility of us taking things to the next level.

 

Red flag number one: “four years”

Red flag number two: “off-and-on”

Red flag number three: “but I’m still living with my parents”

Do you really want me to answer this question? My advice has nothing to do with practicality, and I promise you will not like it.

Here’s a hint: as much as sentimental conservative types may disagree, I feel strongly that settling down with your teenage sweetheart is a recipe for a mid-life crisis in your early thirties when you realize that the only cock you’ve ever seen is attached to a man who resents you for stealing his youth and won’t fuck you because you’ve got short hair and stretch marks. Not that it matters to you, because you fell out of love with him years before and now you subsist on fantasies about the personal lives of pretty people on daytime television.

So, are you sure you want my advice on this one?

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