Should I get a diagnosis for my (potential, but extremely probable) mental illness? I only have friends with shit (and in one case traumatic) experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists, but on the other hand a diagnosis can give me some of the leeway I need in my uni system. I’m not sure how much longer I can pretend I don’t want to kill myself because it’s not convenient for my bank account to pay for help.

Yeah, definitely go get some help. If money is an issue, start with your university’s mental health services. Don’t put it off. Schedule an appointment, and then go show up. I know it’s scary, but you’ll be okay.

(Also, for the record, you don’t only have friends with shit experiences. Trust me, once you get some help, I think you’ll be surprised to discover how many people you know who’ve had decent experiences with mental health professionals.)

I used to be a call girl when I was at college. I live in my small hometown and ‘a friend’ told a guy she was seeing who told everyone. I feel so ashamed, I don’t want to go outside or go to work. I can’t move away for at least 3 months, what advice do you have on how to ride it out?

You have nothing to be ashamed of, so fuck ’em. Simply be shameless. I know that’s easier said than done, but you’re tough — you’re a strong woman — and perhaps most importantly, you didn’t do anything wrong.

Hold your head high, babe. Turn the shame back around on any small-minded asshole who throws you a side-eye. Hit ’em with brazen self-respect, and don’t put up with a single ounce of judgmental bullshit.

In one of your past pieces of advice, you say that men in their 3os, 40s, 5os and beyond are generally only interested in women 10-20 years younger than them. You have said that as women, we should just accept that that is the way things are rather than letting it bother us, and that we need to either accept the fact that we’ll be dating older men or “lower our standards.” This sounds so entirely fucked to me. Maybe you and I just have different ideas of what a low-standard dude looks like. To me, the kind of dude who is exclusively interested in much younger women is the kind of dude I’d have to lower my standards to date, regardless of his money or status. Any dude who genuinely views women as equals would not balk at the idea of dating an age-appropriate woman. I’m having a hard time understanding why you think privilege-soaked dirty old manbabies are who we should be settling for, because “that’s just how men are.” That strikes me as no different from accepting that a dude shouldn’t do his own laundry or change a diaper because “that’s just how men are.” Fuck that.  There are definitely plenty of dudes out there dating age-appropriate women. Maybe not in the elite SoCal circles you frequent, but in the rest of America, it is happening. When you reference “standards” do you actually mean “status?” Because sure, most high-status dudes might gravitate toward barely legal arm candy, but that doesn’t make them quality men.

When I say standards, I mean standards. When I say status, I mean status, and the reason you’re having such a hard time understanding what I think is because you’re the type who insists on bringing your own box of wine to the party.

You’ve misinterpreted (and embellished) quite a lot of what I was saying. It’s not deliberate or anything. You’re just too busy banging your head against reality to effectively hear my point.

The truth of men dating younger women has nothing to do with whether men view women as equals. It has to do with the dating options available to them, and I’m sorry if it frustrates you, but the more attractive and successful a man is, the greater his options, and the more likely he is to date younger and more attractive women. Is this good and right? That’s an ethical question, and completely irrelevant to the fact that things are the way they are.

I get that you’re angry with the kind of world we live in, but hurling denial against double standards won’t make them go away.

Oh, and for the record, THIS IS EXACTLY THE KIND OF SHIT YOU SHOULD BE POSTING IN THE COMMENTS INSTEAD OF SENDING ME AS A SUBMISSION.

Thanks.

I fucked up and I do feel bad and I realize I should feel bad. Still, attaching “I wouldn’t have expected this from you of all people” every time something like this happens feels manipulative to me. Am I just seeing ghosts here?

You’re not seeing ghosts. This is just you having different reactions to guilt and shame.

Guilt is realizing you should feel bad and then feeling bad, which you seem to accept. You’re okay with feeling guilty and accepting guilt. Shame, on the other hand, is someone saying “I wouldn’t have expected this from you of all people.” You’re not okay with feeling shame and being shamed. (And yes, shame is a tool people can use to manipulate, which is why it feels manipulative to you.)

Feeling guilt means you have a conscience, and that’s a good thing. Recognizing that shame might be manipulation means you’ve got a bullshit detector, and that’s also a good thing.

You want to be a person fully capable of feeling guilty. Guilt is a necessary component for a strong moral compass. What you don’t want to be is a person who is too easily shamed. Personally, I consider shamelessness to be a virtue when it’s tempered with thoughtfulness and grace.

My boss increasingly treats me like a personal assistant, which has become a vicious cycle because it decreases the time I have available to devote to assignments that would better demonstrate my non-administrative abilities, and I believe that no matter what the task, you should do it well. For this and other organizational reasons I have determined that the best course of action is for me to find a new job, but I would like to avoid repeating this scenario in the future. What’s the best way to prevent a manager from viewing you as an entry-level employee? Given my degrees and skill set (I’m an economist), I often think I am hindered by my gender (I’m busty and short), ethnicity (Latina), and youthful face (I’m 33). I understand that sometimes everyone has grunt work to do; my problem is that it seems like my caliber of assignments continues to deteriorate despite getting significant raises and other praise indicative that I am valued, so it can’t be that I suck and they can’t trust me with anything more advanced. I don’t want this to happen again: to feel grumpy at being asked to print documents or compile minutes when more junior male colleagues are not assigned these tasks; I want that it instead be recognized that wasting an economist’s time on these assignments is just bad business.

It’s fine to start looking for another job, but I feel like you’re missing an opportunity here. You’re in a stronger position than you think you are, especially since you’re willing to move on to another job anyway. Trust me, you have very little to lose by flexing a little muscle here.

The first step is to put all this into a formal letter.

Write to your boss directly and let him know what needs to change. Cite specific examples of how you are treated differently than your colleagues. Make reference to the fact that this is a pattern of discriminatory behavior based on your gender and ethnicity where you are repeatedly and consistently assigned assistant-level tasks when more junior (white) male colleagues are not. Be sure and list all your qualifications and accomplishments.

If the company is small, consider cc’ing the owner. If the company is medium sized, cc the office manager. If it’s a big company, definitely cc someone in human resources, because the point of the letter is to go on record. It’s a chess move. It’s a preemptive defense for later when you start putting your foot down.

Deliver the letter and have a frank conversation with your boss. Tell your boss what needs to change, and see what kind of reaction you get. If it’s positive, you win. If it’s negative, then you were already willing to leave, and the letter will most likely protect you from any overt retaliation. (Mention discrimination in a formal letter, and they will take you seriously. They may not do everything you ask, but they will do something.)

Whatever happens, nothing is gonna change unless you ask for what you want. Protect yourself, of course, but just fucking ask.

Someone asks you why you’re not interested in them. You don’t find them physically attractive. What do you say?

Gentle and evasive: “That’s not an appropriate question to ask.”

Gentle and straightforward: “I don’t think we have any chemistry.”

Hard and straightforward: “You’re not hot enough.”

Hard and evasive: “Go fuck yourself.”

I’ve written you so many times about my past sexual trauma and you’ve never replied. I know it’s not your job. Your a busy woman. But you always are so protective of other rape victims who wrote you and man it fucks me up. That rejection. Not being damaged enough. No one cares.

I know. You’re not my therapist. It’s not your job. But somehow I’ve attached your acknowledgment to a sort of validation. It’s not your fault. But it fucks me up.

It’s not your fault either. Believe me, it has nothing to do with “not being damaged enough.” Please don’t take my not responding as a belittlement of your trauma.

I simply cannot respond to all the submissions I get, even the gut-wrenching and deadly serious ones about rape and abuse and suicide. I wish I could, but it’s just not possible.

Try not to take it personally when I don’t respond. At the same time, I know it’s kind of a shitty thing for me to ask that you not take it personally, because I know how personal it is for you to write in about things like that.

Still, I’m very sorry for having fucked you up by not responding. (That goes for everyone who’s never heard back from me.) I hope you understand that it’s not because I don’t care, and it sure as hell isn’t a rejection of you.

I was raped by a fucking cop last night. Date rape and I was “sending mixed signals,” so it’s “not as bad as it sounds,” but I still don’t know how to deal with it in my head. I know there is no excuse but I keep trying to make them so I don’t feel so violated. And dirty. If he thinks he can stick his dick in someone saying “no, stop” repeatedly, I’m wondering who else he’s fucked that has just given up. The worst part is he tried to blame me and when I used the r word he said “if I was an asshole, I’d tell you to leave.” I told him he WAS an asshole and left. He texted saying I was “unbelievable” and “I’m sorry.. You did like it though.. But I’m sorry.” So revolting. I feel so gross even though I know it’s not my fault. Help.

I am so very sorry this happened to you.

It’s good that you know it’s not your fault, but please don’t listen to anyone who tries to tell you what happened wasn’t rape or was “not as bad as it sounds.” Fuck that shit. You deserve justice, and that evil piece of shit rapist cop deserves to be punished. I will absolutely help if I can, but for now I recommend you contact a rape crisis center in your area immediately. (Also, do not delete those texts.)

Please keep me updated, and if you’d like to discuss this privately, be sure to include an email address.

Alright, Coquette. I’ve written to you before, and every time it feels like the end of the world, but something has happened that has me feeling closer to the abyss than ever.

I’m a gay guy. Fucked around with this gorgeous dude in a sex-on-premises venue the other night while drunk. He put it in without protection, but didn’t finish (to my knowledge) and was frankly, quite flaccid throughout the experience. I asked him if he knew his status, as I wasn’t expecting nor prepared for what happened – it happened quite quickly – and needed to know what road I should go down. He told me he was HIV-negative, that I was fine, that it was all good. I weighed my options and risks, and went, fuck it, I’ll move on with my life.

I discovered a profile on a gay “dating” website two days later – some dude, advertising his home address and his desire to be penetrated by anyone with any disease, and penetrate others to spread his. That not only was he HIV-positive, but he had other stuff as well. The photos looked a lot like the guy I saw that morning. I thought to myself, surely not. But my anxiety prevailed, so I sent him a message asking his whereabouts on Friday morning.

At which point he made it abundantly clear through his response, that not only was it him who fucked me, but he enjoyed “pozzing” me. He loved breeding me with his positive load. I’m not even fucking joking. He literally bragged to me about how happy he was that he’d no doubt infected me with HIV.

I got onto the stop-you-getting-HIV meds in time, but I’m fucking distraught. I should know better than to do this shit, but sometimes you fuck up, you know? I could have avoided the situation, but I don’t expect every guy I have “whoopsie” unprotected sex with to respond with “I fucking pozzed you”.

I’ve been lying in bed for two whole days, just trying to process what’s happened. I don’t know how else to describe this, but I feel like I’ve been raped. Like I’m still stuck on ‘Did that happen?’ – and like I’ve been hollowed out.

How the fuck do I handle this ?

I am so sorry this happened to you.

What this piece of shit did to you is a serious crime, and I strongly suggest that you report him to the police as soon as possible.

Normally I’d tell you to process this in your own way, but this is obviously not an isolated incident. Clearly he does this regularly and will do it again, and since other people’s safety is at risk, I hope you feel some sense of obligation to try and stop him.

I recognize how deeply you’ve been violated here. This is a big deal, and I’m glad you had the wherewithal to get the post-exposure prophylaxis. You’ll probably be okay, but stay on top of your status, and understand that this is gonna fuck with your head for a while.

Whenever you’re ready, you should definitely seek out some counseling. The feeling that you’ve been raped is perfectly valid. You were sexually violated, and this is sexual trauma. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you experienced some PTSD-like symptoms as a result of this incident, so the sooner you start seeing a therapist, the better.

Keep taking care of yourself, and please keep me updated as you report this man to the authorities.