Category Archives: Advice

Advice

On running a business

What would be your rules, regardless of what kind of business you were going to start, on running that business?

Never give up controlling interest.

Never take on a partner who doesn’t have skin in the game.

Always be the one who signs the checks.

Always be the one who maintains the key business relationships.

Always draw a hard line between business and personal relationships.

Always use contracts, and document everything.

Never give the government a reason to look at you.

Always be prepared for either a lawsuit or an audit.

Always know your numbers. No one should ever be more familiar with the general ledger than you.

Never forget why you are in business.

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Advice

On grand theft auto

Speaking of parody vs satire… Any thoughts on GTA 5 and if it’s satirical or not?


Grand Theft Auto V is both parody and satire. On a narrative level, it’s an amalgamated parody of an entire genre of crime fiction, but on a thematic level, it’s a searing satire of contemporary American culture.

Likewise, the city of Los Santos is meant to be a parody of Los Angeles when taken as a whole, but at a granular level, the memetic elements of the Los Santos universe (the various objects, characters, landmarks, and institutions) interact and behave in ways that are satirical.

Normally I’m not one for video games, but I was sort of fascinated by GTA 5 as a culturally significant document. The ability to explore an open world version of Los Angeles was more fun than I ever thought it could be, and I was surprised to find how well-written and complex the game’s narrative and environment actually was.

That being said, please know that I am fully aware the game is brutally violent and eye-rollingly misogynistic. Duh. I’m not apologizing for the game’s obvious shortcomings, but I will give it credit where credit is due.

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Advice

On lily allen’s white privilege

Lily Allen’s Hard Out Here: satire or racism? (As – I gather – a white woman you of course have no business answering that question, but you acknowledge you have no business answering any of these questions, so.)


Yes, well. It’s definitely not satire, and it’s most certainly racist, but let’s set the socio-political critique aside for a moment and focus on something a little more fundamental: This is a terrible song.

It’s just bad music, aesthetically. Whoever produced this track should be dragged out of the studio and beaten over the head with whatever Casio keyboard he stole the sample from. The song is a derivative, auto-tuned mess with unpleasant instrumentation, no discernible melody, and lyrics that could have been written by a teenager.

(Come to think of it, the last album written by a teenager was fucking amazing, so for all of you giving Lorde shit for her subject matter, consider how much more depth and poetry she brought to the table when compared to this stupid, one-dimensional single.)

Honestly, I’ve seen better YouTube parodies than this piece of shit video, and everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves for sucking so badly.

That’s another thing. This video isn’t satire. It’s low-grade parody. It’s just a clownish impression of a genre. Sure, it tries to poke fun, but you can’t satirize booty-and-bling videos simply by making a bad one.

Lily Allen’s intentions may be tongue-in-cheek, and she may claim to be taking a counter-position to other white artists who would unironically accessorize with hypersexualized black women, but she fails at this. The irony is lost, and she is just as guilty of exploiting black female bodies as Miley Cyrus.

Yep, she really fucked this one up. Lily remains oblivious to her white privilege and unapologetic for her creative choices. Meanwhile, she’s guilty of the exact same sexist and racist bullshit she claims to be indicting, and the fact that her lyrics would seem to suggest otherwise is merely an unintentional irony.

Sorry, Lily. You don’t get credit for good intentions with shit like this.

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Advice

On maine

I know you might be getting a bunch of ‘but what about such and such a place??’ questions, but I’ve got to ask mine.. what about Maine? I’ve got my heart on my sleeve for York County, myself. Especially Wells. I’m a young adult, and from what I hear I’m supposed to live in a city, especially since I can’t drive. But Wells is where my heart is, can’t help it.

I picked blueberries in Maine once as a child. It was the first time I’d ever seen a rocky beach. I thought it was beautiful, and I felt like for the first time I understood the difference between the ocean and the sea.

I remember Maine as something muted and pale, but ultimately pleasant, sort of like walking through an Andrew Wyeth painting. That’s it, really. Everything else I know about Maine I learned from Stephen King books.

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Advice

On detroit

Okay, now I’m curious too—Detroit: frozen hell filled with rusted cars, or a city that needs to get over feeling sorry for itself and get shit done?


While I have my reservations about OCP’s use of heavily armed enforcement droids in the more crime ridden neighborhoods, I do support the Chairman’s plans to demolish Old Detroit and redevelop it as Delta City.

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Advice

On minneapolis

Do I dare ask your thoughts on Minneapolis?

I’ve never been to Minneapolis, or if I have, I don’t remember it. I imagine Minneapolis is filled with incredibly well-mannered white people who talk about things like snow tires, and everything there tastes like unsalted butter.

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Advice

On london

While we’re on the subject… London?


London is Narnia. Everybody there either went to Hogwarts or is some kind of chimney sweep. I mean, come on. They still have Kings and Queens and shit. How fucking ridiculous is that?

I dunno. I’ve spent enough time in London to know it’s not actually a magical place, but if a real live fucking goblin ever popped out from under a bridge and started quoting Monty Python at me, I honestly wouldn’t be all that surprised.

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Advice

On san francisco

Yo, I wanna hear what you have to say about San Francisco.  Moved here a year and a half ago, have lots of love for many things in the Bay Area but having troubz rationalizing the garbage attitudes.  Thoughts?

I love San Francisco, but only in small doses. The people I know there are hella cool, and by people, I mean individuals with distinct thoughts and opinions.

That’s what’s weird about San Francisco. If you step back from it and let everyone’s personality dissolve into a fog of human energy, that shit doesn’t feel quite right. For some reason, the people there buzz at an annoying frequency.

Still, it’s great for a long, drug-fueled weekend. I mean, where else could my tattooed lesbian stripper friends take me to an impromptu Wiccan ceremony in the tower of a legendary Victorian mansion that some weirdo aging hippie bought because the founder of the Church of Satan used to hang out there?

When it’s not taking itself too seriously, San Francisco is a magnificent fucking freak show, and the only thing I love more than getting sticky in it is finally getting to leave.

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Advice

On chicago

I’m curious – what are your thoughts on Chicago? I know you have mad love for LA and NYC, but I’m curious.


Chicago is a frozen hell filled with weathered souls. It is the municipal embodiment of an inferiority complex, a place that didn’t invent hot dogs or corruption, but perfected both.

The best thing I can say about Chicago is that the people I know who are from there are big-hearted and fiercely loyal. Of course, none of them live there anymore, which is kind of the point.

I have respect for Chicago, but no love.

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Advice

On moving to new york

This happens to me every year during our industry cycle. Someone pops up and asks me if I want to work in New York. Is there anything you can say to help me figure out where I stand? I don’t know what my priorities should be because I feel triumphant or fucked either way I think about it. For every reason I come up with, there’s a counter. Being anywhere is exactly the same opportunity.


Holy shit, do I feel you. I struggle with this question every goddamned season.

If I moved to New York I could instantly double my salary. Plus, there are so many more opportunities for advancement in my industry. Honestly, I’ve almost gone and done it twice now.

I came really close this year. Really close — as in, I got rid of half my shit and started looking at apartments in lower Manhattan.

Ugh. I love spending time in New York, and I already have friends there, but living in that city is hard. Even at twice the salary I could only afford a tiny shoebox in the neighborhood I’d want. And I hate being cold. Hate it. Hate it.

Still, New York is the center of the fucking universe, and if I didn’t love LA so much, I would have already moved there long ago.

Triumphant or fucked either way. Yeah. That’s a perfect description. Damn, I wish I knew what to tell you.

Fucking hell. Lemme know what you decide.

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