There’s this guy that got into an accident because he was drunk driving. He had 6 passengers; one of them died a few weeks later, and one of them was paralyzed from the neck down. He also didn’t get any help from his health card because accidents while intoxicated aren’t covered. He lost a lot of money.

Now, almost two years after that, he’s still at it. He drinks, then drives. No matter how many times he was told not to, he still does. It’s like the accident didn’t happen at all, and I’m not sure if he’s just over confident or plain dumb.

What’s annoying is, his whole family doesn’t seem to mind.

I wouldn’t mind too, only I’m married to the guy. I’ve tried talking to him and, well, verbally harassing him, but to no avail. How can I get through that thick skull of his?

If you need to get through the thick skull of your manslaughtering, life destroying, yet still constantly drunk driving husband, might I suggest a bullet?

Of course, if you don’t have the strength of character to get him to stop drinking in the first place, you probably don’t have what it takes to fake his suicide before he kills again. Your next best bet would just be serving him with divorce papers and cutting him out of your life.

Obviously, he comes from money or he’d be in prison right now, so feel free to take him for whatever he’s got left. Get out now before he fucks up again, especially if you have kids.

At the very least, don’t join him on his downward spiral.

I told him I was pregnant. First thing he did was ask if I’m going to get it “taken care of”. When I said yes and asked him to help me pay for half of it, since it is half his, he said why should he if he isn’t even sure it’s his. I have never slept with anyone else during our relationship, or even thought about it. I need some strong words to help me get out of this situation and move on from him.

Okay, you’re not going Dutch on your fucking abortion. That’s insane. You’re the one who has to go through it, so the least this piece of shit can do is pick up the tab.

Believe me, he will. It’s easy math. He either throws down a few hundred bucks now, or he faces eighteen years of child support payments. As fucked up as it sounds, you have all the leverage in the world until you have the procedure.

All you have to say is, “I’m not getting an abortion unless you pay for it.” Boom. It’s as simple as that.

If he gives you any crap about it not being his, tell him that not only are you 100% sure that it’s his, but his name will go on the birth certificate as the father, making him legally responsible for child support.

I guarantee you, he’ll pay.

Get the money up front, preferably in cash. If he writes you a check, make sure it clears before you have the procedure. If he puts it on a credit card, make sure you’re not financially responsible if he disputes the charge.

Once it’s done, never say another word to this douchebag, and just in general, don’t fuck up like this again. Start having safer sex with higher quality men.

I’m having a major problem, it has recently come to light that I am in actual fact the reincarnation of Jesus. The thing is that I don’t want to be Jesus, I am a Hindu. What do I do?

The good news is, you are not the reincarnation of Jesus. The bad news is, you are either mentally ill or an enormous douche.

If you’re gonna have a messiah complex, the least you could do is stick to your own tradition and claim to be an avatar of Vishnu or something. If I were you, I’d just go with Krishna, or if you really have balls, claim to be Kalki.

Who knows? If you’re charismatic enough and you really commit to the whole idea, you might even get a good little cult going.

Good luck being a whack job.

I need help. I am recently married and my husband and I live with his mother due to financial issues. He works 40 hours a week and i stay home with our daughter. His mom also stays home all day and talks to me non stop about JESUS ! She’s extremely Christian and preachy.

I’m no God hater, but I have my own beliefs and it makes me crazy that she preaches to me 24/7 when her own marriage is in shambles.

WHAT DO I DO !

Stop making an endless series of shitty life decisions.

Your goal right now should be to save up and move out as soon as possible. That means you should get a fucking job. Your mother-in-law stays home all day, so you’ve already got built-in day care. Have her look after your daughter while you go work a shift somewhere.

If grandma says no to the extra responsibility of babysitting her granddaughter, then you’ve got all the leverage you need to tell the old bitch to shut the fuck up the second she ever gets preachy again. If she says yes, you’ll be out of the house working anyway, and with the extra money you’ll earn, your family will be able to move in half the time.

And don’t talk to me about your husband’s forty hours a week. Forty hours ain’t shit coming from a man who can’t put a roof over the head of his new wife and daughter.

Oh, and while you’re at it, don’t have any more kids.

I did something stupid. I was drunk tonight and I emailed some random guy I talked to on a chat room nude pictures of myself. Nude’s too nice a word. I was naked. I’m so worried that he’s going to splash them over the internet now, you can’t fully see my face but I’m worried that if you knew me you’d recognise me. What can I do??? I know that I’ve been a stupid bitch. If they do turn up do I run away or face them with my head held high like I own the nakedness? Help!

Dumbass.

He snooped and read my diary and found some pretty dicey stuff about how I feel about our relationship (e.g. not sure he’s the guy for me)…. Then he broke into my facebook and found my flirtations with an old ex whom I have no intentions with that meant nothing, but now I’m just pissed that he violated my privacy. I’m paying for it—we’re fighting. I realize it’s wrong to strike up an emotional relationship with an ex, but honestly it was benign.  My boyfriend violated my privacy and somehow I’m in the doghouse. How do I defend myself?

Fuck defending yourself. Just break up with him. That’ll change his tune.

Besides, the mutual respect in the relationship is crumbling anyway, and you’ve both just lost a lot of trust in the other. Why bother limping along after this kind of bullshit if he’s not the guy for you?

If you break it off and neither of you looks back, well then clearly it was time. If you break it off and he immediately starts apologizing and begging for you to come back, feel free to take it under consideration.

Either way, set a precedent for violations of your privacy. Don’t put up with that shit for a second.

Why the fuck do some sexist, misogynist men and self loathing women think by any stretch of logic that women don’t poop?

Ugly girls poop, but pretty girl poop is a myth. Only eighties music and rainbow sherbet comes out of our butts.

(Chill out, stinky. This kind of ridiculousness deserves to be laughed at. You need to have a sense of humor, otherwise when real sexism and misogyny crop up, no one will give your cries one bit of attention.)

I’m drunk and as such, I have some fabulous advice for Whore Talk.

Any fashion hag can reblog runway pictures. What we want from you is interpretation. We want beautiful photographs, pictures of your actual outfits (we already know you’re light-skinned and fucking skinny, so you’ve got nothing to lose), and some of your fashion philosophies.

Most of us can’t afford to buy the shit you link us to anyway. So, drunk advice worth it’s weight in rum – go more abstract. Show us your aesthetic. And please, no more motherfucking fanny packs.

Love,
your fan and drunk savant

Fucking priceless. You’re totally the drunk friend who spoils the end of my joke by blurting out the punch line, but that’s okay. I forgive you. I know it’s because you think its really hilarious and you just want everybody to laugh.

Chill out, lover. I got this.

It’s a little thing called timing. It’s a little thing called foreplay. The crowd has to get warmed up. The instruments have to get tuned. The pussy has to get wet.

Don’t worry. It’s gonna be a long year. I’ll get to the philosophy of aesthetics. In the meantime, don’t forget that this isn’t about being able to afford the shit at the ass end of my links, and this certainly isn’t about me. Whore Talk is a style blog, not a shopping or a fashion blog. I’m providing a compass, not the map.

For instance, did I tell you to wear fanny packs? No, I did not.

I told you to watch out for them. I had the burnished brass balls to come out in my opening week and make the prediction that this summer, fanny packs weren’t gonna be just for tourists anymore.

Why? Because I know what I’m talking about, and as impossible as it seems, fanny packs are one of those unquestionably horrible yet culturally contagious things that are destined to crop up every once in a while like Snuggies or Rick Astley.

You’re about to be rick-rolled by the hipster fashion elite, and I’m leaking that shit to you like Julian Assange at market week.

When I say you’ll see, I mean it.

How does a traveling business man have a good time when always traveling? Need some new ideas.

You’re on tour. Act like it.

If you don’t know how to do that, find your nearest local joint with touring live acts. It could be a rock club, a comedy club, whatever.

That’s where you’ll find folks who are actually on tour, and since we’re talking about musicians and comedians, that’s also where you’ll meet folks who know where you can find a good time in whatever town they’re in.

There’s the obvious built-in entertainment at whatever venue you choose, but your real goal is to make friendly with the staff. Don’t worry. They’re used to out-of-towners asking all the right questions. Just don’t be a douchebag.

Dear CT, I just got an email from one of my best female friends dropping the bombshell that she’s dating my sister’s ex (who only finished with my sister a couple of months ago and has constantly slated her publically since). To add insult to injury, she was a real dick about it, saying she thought she’d “be kind and wait till after Christmas to tell me” and that she is “so ecstatically happy, like I haven’t been in a long time.” I now have to break the news to my sister, who is also friends with this girl and is therefore gonna take this badly.  How do I handle this CT? Am I the one being a dick? I know she can date whoever she wants, but I just think it’s wrong to date a friends sloppy seconds!

Your friend has made her choice. Now it’s time for you to make yours. Fortunately for you, this one is a no brainer, because the slighted ex in this mess is your sister. She’s family. There’s no question whose side you’ll pick.

As such, how you’ll proceed is based entirely on your sister’s reaction. If your sister goes nuclear and demands that you sever all ties with your freshly minted worst enemy, you’ll pretty much have to go along with it.

If your sister shrugs her shoulders and says fuck it, knowing full well that the bitch will get what she deserves in the end, then things can move forward awkwardly, but relatively unchanged.

At the moment, you are in a position to influence your sister’s reaction. You’re the one who gets to frame it for her when you break the bad news. I suggest you urge her to say fuck it, and do your best to keep the peace.

Sure, your friend has done you and your sister wrong, but she is just a rebound. The relationship is going to end badly, and when it does, your friend and your sister will suddenly have quite a bit more in common. When she comes back to you two with her tail between her legs apologizing for being a bad friend, it will be easier if you and your sister kept your cool the whole time.

Ask your sister to take the high road. In the long run, it will work out best for everyone. Remember, as hard as it will be, neither you nor your sister can take this personally. Your friend is a selfish, thoughtless little cunt, but she’s not trying to deliberately hurt you. It’s not about either of you.

You don’t have to forgive her just yet, and you sure as hell won’t ever forget, but for now, just keep a cool distance.

I’m sorry your friend turned out to be such a shit head.

Good luck.