Sure selfies are tacky and narsissistic, but so is having a blog. I’m just saying there are worse things to be.
A comment troll who can’t spell, for instance?

you’re a pseudo intellectual who has a knack for using curse words. i still think you’re funny. but i wonder, do you think you’re anything more than a potty-mouthed entertainer?
Adults who scold other adults with the term “potty-mouth” invariably have some repressed childhood trauma. Good luck with that.

Do you find hate mail entertaining?
Always.

You’re tired of the bullshit questions, aren’t you?
Nah. Keep ‘em coming.

Think civilization has a probability of shambling onwards to the heat death of the universe?
Don’t be ridiculous. We’d be lucky if our species survives through the current geological epoch.

Can I integrate my fragmented, dislodged, self-reflexive post-modern self into a whole person? If yes, do you happen to know how?
Stop being so full of shit.

Is there anything worth preserving about Western civilization?
Tacos.

I’m in Paris for a few months. Any suggestions?
Connect with people. Make friends. Take a lover or three.

Do you think Pope Francis is all the same shit in a different hat? I can’t decide.
He’s still catholic, ain’t he?

Are you rooting for Walt?
To die. Spectacularly.

Selfies?
Tacky as fuck.

Do you think that being lazy is as negative of a trait as it’s made out to be?
If you work for me it is.

Whenever a guy sexually harasses me in the street I always stick my middle finger up at them to which they usually reply “shove it up your pussy.” How can I avoid this reaction?
Shoot them in the face.

I’m in love with my best friend. He hasn’t accepted that he’s honestly bisexual yet. I don’t know how to proceed. Help?
Stop sucking his dick.

Which is the better read: 1984 or Brave New World?
1984 is the better read, but Brave New World is the better lesson.

Do you think stripping could be considered performance art?
Not if it’s done right.

Why do rich girls shoplift?
Boredom and a lack of integrity.

Have you weighed in on the Blurred Lines uproar yet? There was a feminist critique, now there’s a feminist critique of the feminist critique… I’d be interested to hear the Coquette critique, if you have one.
No. Stop talking about that stupid fucking song. Summer is over. It’s time for it to go away.

What do you think is going to happen in the last two episodes of Breaking Bad?
Catharsis. Bloody, gut-wrenching catharsis.

Is it a red flag when a man describes himself as a philogynist?
Yeah, that’s creepy. A dude who goes out of his way to say philogynist instead of feminist is just a misogynist with a dictionary.

Is it okay to talk to and fuck someone who is ugly when you are not?
I dunno, you sound pretty ugly to me.

How do I ask my boyfriend if he’s cheating without making an accusation?
Quit being a doormat.

What’s wrong with nine west shoes?
In a word? Mediocrity. Nine West is the Applebee’s of footwear. They’re cheap knock-offs for lazy mall shoppers, and by cheap I don’t mean inexpensive.

how come you don’t have an instagram?
Too much potential for me to reveal my identity when I’m fucked up.

Any advice for a 20 year old girl who would rather be a 20 year old woman?
Be accountable.

Why do you feel so comfortable saying the n word so freely? Your racism makes me sick.
You are a small and ridiculous person.

What sort of music do you listen to?
Seriously?

If you HAD to pick a favorite Disney princess, who’d you choose?
Merida.

Why do I want to fuck Ron Swanson?
Because your dad had a mustache.

Aren’t you just as full of shit as anyone else?
Yep.

Is fame a drug?
Nope. Fame is a disease.

Is there a difference between Miley twerking and Eric Clapton playing delta blues music?
Yes. Even within the context of cultural appropriation, there is a difference between crass exploitation and masterful homage.

Is emotional closure a lie?
It can be. Usually it’s just an excuse to try and fuck you one last time.

Is it ever acceptable for your “closest friends” to still talk to your ex if they were friends with him beforehand?
Sure. Your friends should be sensitive to your feelings, but unless your ex did something horrible, it’s not your place to demand an end to prior friendships.

Thoughts on the 40 Days of Dating experiment?
I’m down for a threesome.

Where should I hide the body?
Hiding is for things you eventually want found.

Did you rent a car for your road trip because you own a Tesla or something?
Ha! I wish I owned a Tesla. Renting a car for long road trips is actually quite a bit cheaper than driving my own vehicle. (You gotta think in terms of cost per mile.)

Are mid-life crises inevitable?
Nah. You could always die first.

I always want to ask you really serious questions but i only end up asking things that end up in your fun-sized advice posts. “Go ahead, be vulnerable” is really intimidating to me for some reason.
It’s not a challenge. It’s an invitation.

The depth of your stupidity astounds me. How anyone is feeble-minded enough to come to you for advice is beyond me. I guess even the lesser patricians are gods among plebs.
Wow. Just so you know, it’s impossible not to read that in the voice of the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons.

Should we wager on when Miley becomes the next Amanda? I’ll guess two years.
No. Not cool, dude. Don’t conflate Miley’s tacky branding strategy with Amanda’s legitimate mental disorder.

Any advice on starting a business with a best friend?
Treat your operating agreement like a prenup.

I bet deep down you feel like shit about all the abortions.
I bet deep down you feel like shit about your silly religion.

Why do I feel guilty about telling girls I don’t want to be exclusive?
Because of the emotional dishonesty required for you to have sex with them first.

Why do I need emotional closure from a douchebag who won’t give me the time of the day?
He got under your skin. It happens. Don’t beat yourself up.

I hate every man who starts to like me after I’ve slept with them. How do I stop?
It’s not hate. It’s a reflection of your own self-loathing that you use as a clumsy defense mechanism to protect yourself from vulnerability.

How do you fall completely in love with someone if you’ve already loved someone else?
It’s easy, just don’t confuse “completely” with “exactly.”

How do you marry the ideas of “nothing matters” with the importance of working for social change, to alleviate others’ suffering?
Nothing has to matter for you to be a good person.

Can you spell this out for me — if you destroy your ego, what motivates you to bother liking yourself?
If you destroy your ego, there is no self to bother liking.

why do people refuse to admit that sexism is genderless? is it because they’re hopelessly biased?
Whoa there, fucknuts. Sexism isn’t genderless in a patriarchy.

The only male’s who seem sexually interested in me are in serious relationships and looking to cheat, or are over the age of 50. What gives?
It’s not that cheaters and old men are the only ones interested. It’s that you only notice sexual interest when it’s inappropriate. (Also, you don’t know how to use an apostrophe.)

Is sleeping with your teacher morally wrong, even if their not married?
Is it your English teacher? Because you need to learn the difference between “their” and “they’re.”

Confessing feelings to a guy. Good idea, bad idea?
Why are you confessing? What do you want to have happen? If you don’t have quick, rational answers to both questions, it’s a bad idea.

My current job is causing huge anxiety and is eating my soul so I am applying for other jobs. Whats the protocol? Do I tell my current employer that I need out and am looking for other opportunities?
Hell no. Never tell your employer that you’re looking for other opportunities unless you’re in a strong negotiating position for a raise or a promotion. Just find another job and quit. (In that order.)

What should you do after you get fired from your dream job?
Try to get hired by the competition.

Would people be nicer to me if I were thin and pretty?
Yep.

How the fuck should a person handle having herpes.
Valtrex and diplomacy.

You’re just kinda over blogging advice, aren’t you?
Nah, I just get lazy in the summer.

I sincerely hope your life is wonderful.
It’s a little weird right now, but thanks.

How would you define culturally white?
Think of “culturally white” as America’s default setting.

What is the American dream?
A hegemonic marketing strategy.

Why is there such a big disconnect between my rational understanding of how things should work in a given situation and my emotional response to said situation?
Because you used the word “should.”

At what point does a partner worrying about your safety become patronizing?
Right before it becomes controlling.

Do you believe in a soul/spirit?
Not in the dualistic sense, no.

He broke off the engagement, but still wants to be friends and is actually calling to hang out. WTF?
Tell him to fuck off.

Is it reasonable for a woman to want kids, but not to go through the scream-pee-poop phase by adopting a 5 year old?
It’s not a puppy, you fucking twit.

What if nothing makes you happy. Then what should you do?
Stop relying on external sources for your happiness.

Why does Picasso Baby annoy me so much?
Despite Jay-Z’s charisma, the New York art scene is mostly insufferable.

I expected better from you than a Mean Girls reference.
Fuck me gently with a chainsaw.

I think Rachel Maddow is the real life Will McAvoy. Your thoughts? Where do you turn to for reliable unbiased news?
Keith Olbermann is the real life Will McAvoy, which should explain why he keeps getting fired, and yeah, Rachel Maddow is better than all of ‘em.

My best friend is dating a bisexual guy. She said it’s cool in their relationship if he messes around with some guys on the side. Does that give me a free pass to fuck him?
No, you are not “some guy.” You are her best friend. Unless she gives you explicit permission, he’s off limits.

So, what would YOU do if your significant other went through your phone?
Why would my significant other go through my phone?

What’s the difference between being in a monogamous relationship with a guy and being his girlfriend?
What’s the difference between eating a chocolate flavored crisped rice cereal and eating Cocoa Krispies?

How wrong is it if I start dating someone just because I have a huge crush on his straight best friend and I just want him to be in my life as a friend?
Come on, dude. You know better than to be so emotionally dishonest. Besides, how do you think that’s gonna end? Ugly. Fuckin’ ugly.

How do I tell my boyfriend that I cheated on him with my best friend and her girlfriend?
I think you’ll be surprised how easy it is to confess to your boyfriend that you had a lesbian threesome.

How can I convince a straight white male that privilege exists?
Turn him into a queer minority female.

What are you going to do when we run out of questions?
What are you going to do when I’m dead?

What do you do when someone ends a relationship with you but takes the last chance to make it seem like you’ve been the problem all along?
Learn from it.

You consider yourself a feminist, right? Please say yes. We need more strong women who are not afraid to identify with feminism.
With a capital F, motherfuckers.

Even accepting the inevitability of my own death, why is it so hard to deal with others passing?
Because you miss them. Duh.

Huma Abedin: opportunistic shrew with no shame or oblivious pushover with no self respect?
Huma Abedin: multi-faceted human being who can’t be reduced to a false dichotomy with regard to her husband’s glaring character flaws.

Your thoughts on acid to someone considering trying it?
Wheee!

I like you.
I’m high as fuck right now.

What is special about Wednesdays?
On Wednesdays we wear pink.

What are reasonable guidelines to dating a friend’s ex?
Don’t.

What are your thoughts on cuddle parties?
Gross.

How do you set boundaries with a mother who believes that any boundary whatsoever is a slight and becomes abusive and reactionary as a response?
Firmly.

How does one go about ensuring that the people they drag home for a little no-strings don’t talk too much?
Duct tape.

Why don’t I know what to do? Strike that, why do all paths seem to lead nowhere?
Because nothing matters.

What’s the quickest way to stop acting like a lovesick puppy?
You’re on a drug. You gotta let that shit wear off naturally.

What about Lena Dunham do you hate?
I don’t hate Lena Dunham. She’s just an easy punch line.

What’s the problem with The Newsroom?
It hasn’t earned the right to be so smug.

The people whose questions get answered must feel so privileged.
How does it feel?

I lost a bunch of weight and now I look like an American Apparel model. What now?
I dunno, buy a unitard and practice your bitch-face.