A one-night stand told me that I hide behind sarcasm. What does that say about me?
It says you let your one night stands talk too much.

“The people with the best advice usually have the most problems.”
The people who believe things just because they’re in quotation marks usually have the lowest IQs.

You are racist.
The system is racist. I’m just an asshole who knows it.

All your icons are white blonde women. Not very diverse, are you?
Yeah, because if I changed one of my icons to a picture of Beyonce, suddenly I wouldn’t be an asshole.

Why won’t we ever hear the NRA say “If only Trayvon had been armed”?
You can’t expect monied interests to be internally consistent with their own hypocrisy.

What’s the deal with college? Why is it so fucking expensive?
The price of a college degree has skyrocketed for the same reason everyone is getting fat on high fructose corn syrup. Government subsidy has unintended consequences.

“I have two kids, he likes trucks, she likes dolls and pink, it’s biological.” PLEASE share your opinions on this.
A statement like that is too clumsy to parse. I mean, technically it’s all biological, but if you wanna draw a line between nature and nurture with regard to the universality of gender differences, go read some Steven Pinker.

Is it impossible to become good, close friends with someone you’re having sex with without dating them?
Dating is a courtship ritual. You don’t have to date, but if you’re bonding with a sexual partner, it’s a difficult trick to keep things mutually platonic without some explicit ground rules and a lot of open, honest communication.

Settle a bet for me: are black and pink tacky together?
Yep, especially if an animal print is involved. I think Betsey Johnson tried to pull that shit off once, but black and pink doesn’t belong outside of the gym or the strip club. (Except on Wednesdays, of course.)

Does it really get better?
Probably. For a while. Might not, though. You’re still gonna die in the end anyway, so you might as well enjoy whatever you’ve got while you can.

Welp, that was an easy unfollow. Thanks for your ignorance.
Ha-ha! My inbox is flooded with cut-and-paste dictionary definitions of “racism” from the kind of butthurt numnards who don’t even know what “ignorance” means. I love pissing off all the right people.

Does Barbie really create negative body images in young girls or is that argument as invalid as I think it is?
It’s not Barbie per se. Impossible beauty standards are what create negative body images in young girls, and Barbie just happens to be the unofficial mascot of impossible beauty standards.

I just dumped my long-term bf who has depression and anxiety. I’m 100x happier now. Am I horrible person?
Nope. You should’ve dumped him sooner.

I can trust you to keep it real. I’m young, talented, and broke due to school, and I am seriously considering finding a sugar daddy or two. Any advice?
Quit referring to yourself as talented.

As a recent college graduate with a B.A., no job prospects, and no idea what I want to do, I’m not sure what my next step should be.
Realize how fucking lucky you are.

I’m a lazy college kid who could definitely be doing more with his life but doesn’t. What is the key to self-motivation?
Hunger.

What are your thoughts on the existence of aliens?
The universe is way too fucking huge for our little mudball to be the only one that grows talking meat.

Stephen Colbert or Jon Stewart?
Both. (If I’m gonna indulge in fantasy, it might as well be a threesome.)

I would have thought you were above “reality” television.
I am. We all are. That’s why everyone watches.

You have fabulous nails.
Fuckin’-a right, I do.

You’re in fashion.
Are you complimenting my popularity or making an assumption about my occupation?

Can you please explain the concept of sex tapes? What’s the appeal?
Narcissus had a reflecting pool. We have camera phones.

Is George Zimmerman guilty?
Of murder? Maybe. Of manslaughter? Definitely. It seems to be a pretty clear cut case of imperfect self-defense, but we’ll see how the jury fucks it up.

Is it trashy to have sex at someone’s house when you are their guest?
That depends entirely on the house rules. A good guideline is whether you have to hide your sex noises from the person who washes the sheets.

Why is it that the more guys hit on me, the less attractive I feel?
The more guys hit on you, the more conscious you become of your own physicality, and any positive male attention is far outweighed by your negative self-image.

How can I accept my bisexuality? And how do I know if I’m not truly gay and that accepting bisexuality is just another rationalization of my sexuality.
Sexual orientation isn’t binary. It’s a spectrum, and establishing a sexual identity that doesn’t fit neatly into the checkbox of gay or straight isn’t inherently a rationalization. Just do your thing, man.

I’m from a faith tradition; he steadfastly opposes any organized religion. How do we craft a wedding that honors both of us?
Compromise. Have a faith-based ceremony, but not in a church. Let his vows be secular and yours be traditional. Be willing to adjust your expectations as much as he’s willing to adjust his principles. If you can’t figure this shit out, then both of you should re-evaluate your life choices.

“…living your life like it’s a preamble to some eventual state of accomplishment” — Oh my God, that’s me! So, if we’re not working toward some eventual state of accomplishment, then what?
Live in the present moment. Duh.

Nice to see you back about!
Good to be back.

Rate your own level of hotness between one and ten.
To answer with a number is to commodify myself and compete with my entire gender. Fuck that. No one should have to accept the premise of this question.

Any thoughts on the Paula Deen scandal?
Paula is a clown who broke the cardinal rule: never let the crowd see you without the makeup. And of course, the hypocrisy of our corporate overlords never ceases to amaze me.

What’s your take on American Apparel and its advertising methods?
American Apparel is the Girls Gone Wild of the fashion industry, and Dov Charney is the Joe Francis.

My friend moved to LA and became an egotistical dick. What the fuck?
LA is a catalyst for that kind of thing, but rest assured, it would have happened eventually anyway.

Why can’t I stop feeling like I’m nothing but wasted potential?
Because you’re living your life like it’s a preamble to some eventual state of accomplishment.

I end up hating all the guys I sleep with, even if they’re lovely. Why?
Because you resent that they treat you differently afterwards.

How can you tell if someone is a liar?
Everyone is a liar.

i found my ex girlfriend’s okcupid page. it hurt to see it! what do i do?
Stop creeping.

is it a compliment if someone tells you that your body gave them an eating disorder?
Nope.

I cheated on my boyfriend, now he feels he should cheat also to get even. Fair?
Nope.

What is the point of patriotism?
War.

Is being married and having kids overrated?
Don’t know. Don’t care to know.

Can exes be friends?
Exes can be friendly. There’s a difference.

Do you have to date tons of people before you know you’ve met the one?
You might have to date tons of people before you believe me, but there is no such thing as “the one.”

God dammit, Coquette. Teach me how to have ex-sex and not get upset afterward. Please.
Sure thing, right after I teach you how to put your hand on a hot stove without getting burned.

I find your advice “to cut people out of your life” to be overkill. It is great advice if you want to be alone and disliked. Dumb people take that shit seriously.
It’s not supposed to be a hobby, asshole. It’s an extreme measure for people in toxic situations with emotional vampires.

How do I reconcile my repulsion towards religion with the people around me whom I love, respect, and trust that adhere to it?
Quietly regard their religion as a collective mental disorder. (Because it is.) The disorder is not their fault, and curing them is not your responsibility.

I’m a college student from the Midwest with an animation industry internship in L.A. this summer! What are the best things to do for fun under 21 out here?
Get a fake ID.

What brand of mascara do you use? I can’t find one I like. Thanks! You’re awesome.
Diorshow by Christian Dior. Hands down the best.

Should the toilet paper hang over or under the roll?
Over. Always over. What are we, savages?

Do you believe that there is a supernatural realm?
Of course not. Don’t be silly.

I’m going to Europe this summer. Any suggestions?
Paris.

Has unlimited access to porn stunted the sexual growth of a whole generation of Internet-having teenage boys?
Stunted is the wrong word. Affected is more accurate, and it’s not just the boys.

I got into my dream school but they aren’t giving me enough money for it to be a possibility. What the fuck do I do?
Suck it up and go somewhere you can afford. Welcome to your first lesson in the American social class system. Sorry you don’t have rich parents.

Why am I so jealous of better looking people?
You’re not jealous. You’re envious, and it’s because you want what they have.

How do I deal with the fact that the world is generally cold and unforgiving?
Find a warm corner and surround yourself with good people.

Why do we look for different things in a best friend than a significant other?
Platonic love is different than romantic love. That’s just a part of the human condition.

What do you think about the Pope’s proclamation that atheists can be good and can be “saved”?
It adds a fresh twist to Pascal’s Wager, but that’s just cocktail party conversation. At the end of the day, the Pope’s just an old man in a silly hat.

I think Stephen Fry is made of condensed Englishness. What are you made of?
Aerosolized Americanness.

Amanda Bynes. What is up with her?
Nothing.

What do you do with your free time? What does the Coquette do with a lazy Sunday?
This.

I constantly feel it’s only a matter of time before one of us cheats. Should I just end it?
Perhaps, but ending it won’t fix your trust issues.

Why am I significantly more attracted to a guy knowing that he’s dated a fuck ton of hot chicks?
The same reason all your clothes have logos on them.

What do you say to a 26-year-old man who claims he might never be able to love again?
Say, “Lose my number, douchebag.”

Do you ever think you might be wrong?
I’m wrong all the damn time.

I feel like I’ve noticed a general trend of you being nicer in your responses? Is that purposeful?
Nope. Come to think of it, you guys have been sending much higher quality questions lately. I think we’re all growing up a little.

How far can you excuse someone’s behaviour because of the shit hand they were dealt?
That’s up to you, but remember, there’s a difference between a reason and an excuse. Just because you know the reason for someone’s behavior, that doesn’t mean you have to excuse it.

Is the G spot really a myth? I can’t cum without touching my clit.
The G spot is real. G spot orgasms are real. Don’t act like you’ve got the only vagina in the universe.

I need a verdict. Rich Manhattan moms hiring handicapped tour guides so their kids can skip lines at Disney? Douche, gauche, touche, meh…?
What a perfect metaphor for the American social class system.

How can I let go of the belief that beauty matters?
Beauty matters. Just quit letting other people tell you what’s beautiful.

I’m a 20-year-old atheist who wants to be more spiritual. What do I do?
Study philosophy, psychology, and comparative religion. Don’t get involved with any organization that relies on its own spiritual jargon.

Should I study fashion design, anthropology, or declare a double major?
Sure, why not? Declare a double major and make your degree twice as useless. It’s not like you have to get a job after college or anything.

I’m finishing college, and I’m trying to come to terms with the idea that college has been the most anticlimactic experience I’ve ever had.
Good. Maybe now you’ll think twice before believing in our society’s institutionalized bullshit. Enjoy your twenties.

What’s the difference between bisexual and pansexual?
A basic understanding of gender fluidity.

Is there any REASONABLE explanation as to why a national gun registry would be so terrible?
Nope.

Are you a libertarian?
Nope.

Are you a Buddhist?
Nope.

Are you more of a nihilist or an absurdist?
An absurdist is just an nihilist with a sense of humor.

I love my partner so much it kind of sucks actually. Like I can never hang out with them for long enough, and it’s hard to get out of bed in the morning because I don’t want to stop snuggling and talking with them. It bums me out. Please advise.
You are high on a drug. Act accordingly.

What do you think of the argument that the Universe is a computer simulation? Does it matter? I find that idea sort of terrifying.
The simulation hypothesis is a metaphysical toy, but hey, any time you make a little eye contact with the abyss, it’s bound to freak you out a bit.

I’ve always wanted to lose my virginity in an orgy. Is that a spectacularly bad idea?
It’s not so much a bad idea as it is an impractical one. Losing your virginity during group sex would be one thing, but an orgy implies a certain kind of frenzied anonymity that just isn’t for beginners.

Can sex be meaningless?
I hate to break it to you, but everything is meaningless.

Is sex overrated?
The kind for sale on TV is overrated, but the real thing is pretty fucking great.

I’ve never been broken up with. I’ve ended the few serious relationships I’ve been in. This bothers me, but I’m not sure what to do about it.
That’s not what bothers you. What bothers you is that you don’t know whether you’ve ever really been in love.

After seeing that video of amanda bynes, you still don`t think she’s trying to pull some Joaquin Phoenix ‘I’m still here” type shit? It just seemed way too theatrical and ridiculous.
Who gives a fuck? Amanda Bynes could announce tomorrow that her twitter account is a poetic contemplation of Baudrillard’s Precession of Simulacra, and I still wouldn’t be impressed with her ratchet ass bullshit.

Do you still believe in gender roles? How do you define “manhood”?
Manhood is the state of being an adult male. Anything more specific than that is a matter of culture, and I don’t particularly care to define it. As for gender roles, yes, I believe they still exist.

Should I tell my ex I cheated on him a year ago? I know I’m a piece of shit.
If it would hurt him, don’t do it. You don’t get to confess at his expense.

Why were the 90s so much better?
They weren’t. Not at all. Neither were the 70s or the 50s. Certain aspects of culture are just cyclical, and this is when a few wet chunks of the 90s will come gurgling back up the drain.

Should the federal drinking age be lowered?
Federally? There should be no drinking age.

I really like fucking gender A but am dating someone of gender B, whom I also enjoy fucking. If I exclusively commit to/marry/make adorable babies with said B-gendered person, will I always miss gender A sex?
Yep. You’ll always miss gender A sex. Eventually, you’ll also miss gender B sex with someone other than your exclusive B-gendered partner. Sorry, babe. Monogamy is twice as hard when you’re bisexual.

Do periods and commas go inside or outside quotation marks?
Inside.

Your slab serif font is cute, but a little “so two years ago.”
A passive aggressive graphic designer? Cute. Fred Armisen could play you in a Portlandia sketch or something.

Are drugs bad?
Nope. Addiction is bad. Human weakness is bad, but drugs are just a bunch of chemicals, and chemicals are morally inert.

Is Amanda Bynes just playing a huge joke on everyone?
She’s fucking around a little, poking the celebrity machine with a stick during her free-fall into obscurity, but don’t confuse her twitter account with performance art. Amanda Bynes is no Andy Kaufman.

Sometimes casual sex makes me feel powerful and sometimes it makes me feel hollow. What’s up with that?
It’s not the sex. It’s whether your expectations meet with reality.

What’s the best way to form an opinion on something?
With as little ignorance and as much rationality as possible.

Can you love (romantically) two people at once?
Sure. Happens all the time. It rarely ends well, but hey, good luck.

Are you afraid of being in love with someone?
Nope. I’m much more afraid of someone being in love with me.

I need ideas for dirty talk in the bedroom. I’m not into ‘slut’, but ‘that feels so fuckin’ good’ is just getting old…
The trick to dirty talk is using the second person imperative mood to describe the physical action as it’s taking place in the moment. When in doubt, just fall back on basic “verb (suck, lick, fuck) that adjective (hard, wet, hot) noun (cock, pussy, ass)” sentence structure.

Is it OK for me to send a mean-spirited text message to my husband’s ex-girlfriend who still pursues him (not a real threat because he’s not interested)? On one hand it would feel kind of shitty, but it also seems like it would be satisfying.
I feel sorry for your husband.

I keep typing Deaf Coquette.
Use your middle finger.