Dear Coquette,

Is there a difference between an existential crisis and a mental breakdown?
One is chronic. The other is acute.

Do you believe morality is universal or relative?
Everything is relative.

Should one’s morality be stretched intentionally once in a while?
Don’t confuse your comfort zone for your morality.

What’s the difference between settling and settling down?
Contentment.

What’s the difference between curvy and fat?
Advertising.

Why is everyone so obsessed with the ’90s?
It’s something that happens with every decade. Sentimental twits reach their early twenties, and when they suddenly realize they’re adults, they start getting nostalgic about their childhood to the point that it influences pop culture.

Which is more important when it comes to college, following your dreams or saving money?
Is it your dreams that are expensive, or is it just the college?

Today I crushed a spider and then felt guilt for mangling him when I saw his broken body. What’s wrong with me?
Nothing is wrong with you. You have a conscience. That’s a good thing.

I feel like I’ll be happy when I’m dead.
You won’t.

You seem to think that most people are not special. Do you think you’re special?
Nope.

Do you think culture creates television, or television creates culture?
Both. It’s a constant feedback loop.

I’m a 19-year-old girl currently working at a retail store and I’ve met a boy I’d like to hang out with and possibly hook up with. How do I communicate this on the job without being unprofessional?
Trying to hook up at work is inherently unprofessional, but since you’re a teenager working in retail, my best advice for you is to simply not get caught.

My friend’s boyfriend made a pass at me the other night. I told him I wasn’t interested. Why do I still feel guilty?
You feel guilty because you have secret knowledge about your friend’s boyfriend. It’s not cheating, but it’s a betrayal of the friendship nonetheless.

I’m happy with my life and with myself, but there are people who get me down. They tell me that I’m “not doing something for social change,” that my open enjoyment of sex is a sign of low self-esteem and being dependent on men, and that I’m not doing something with my life. What do I do?
If you’re genuinely happy, then cut those people out of your life. If you can’t get rid of them altogether, then tell them to take their social and sexual politics, and stick ’em where the sun don’t shine.

Dear Coquette,

I’m a 28-year-old woman. Are my late twenties supposed to be this crappy?
There is no such thing as “supposed to be.”

Do you try to evolve? Or do you try to know what you are?
Those two things are not the least bit mutually exclusive.

One month into dating this guy, and this weekend he has posted a bunch of pics of himself in Vegas with lots of bikini-clad chicks draped over him. Red flag?
Depends. Was he making a duck face?

How do I release anger whose origin I can’t pinpoint and has caused significant tension in all of my serious relationships?
Identify the origin of your anger. That’s pretty much the whole point of therapy, so maybe you should try that for a while.

What’s the best thing to say when a guy foolishly says that he loves you when he hasn’t even known you for a freakin’ month?
Explain to him the difference between love and limerence. Get technical, and if he won’t acknowledge it, get rid of him.

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years and have never lived together due to his inability to find a full-time job. Are we screwed once he does? Will he ever?
Stop kidding yourself. Your boyfriend is a loser, and you aren’t living together because he doesn’t want to live with you.

I hate my current boyfriend almost 95% of the time but I can’t bear to break up with him. What’s wrong with me?
Well, odds are you’re a codependent drama queen with garden-variety daddy issues. Act accordingly.

What do you tell a guy who says atheists aren’t protected under freedom of religion because atheism isn’t a faith?
Tell the guy that freedom from religion is just as important as freedom of religion. Be sure and speak slowly, because he’s an idiot.

If so many people are lonely, why can’t they just… get together?
If so many people are poor, why can’t they just… get money?

Why can’t I quit masturbating?
You don’t have to quit, and you don’t have to listen to anyone who tells you otherwise.

I just cut my hair and I think it’s too short. What should I do?
Shave off the rest of it and go volunteer at a soup kitchen.

When do I give up on an unrequited love?
As soon as possible.

Where is the line drawn between optimism and denial?
Reality.

Dear Coquette, 

I’m a 29 year old woman — am I way too old for a nose piercing?
No, but you are way too old to be asking anyone’s permission to stick things into your stupid face.

I don’t think you’re very nice.
Thank you.

Why is it that I know everything that’s wrong with me, and my life, and how to fix it, but I can’t seem to want to change it enough to actually do it. Why?
Self-awareness is not the same thing as self-control.

I am relatively sought-after, but my high standards have made me lonely. How do I fix this?
Your high standards aren’t the problem. It’s your unreasonable expectations that are keeping you lonely. There’s a difference.

Why do I feel bad about being a routine person who isn’t constantly out and about having new experiences?
Don’t worry. You’re just feeling the effects of advertising.

My girlfriend just confirmed my fear that I’m selfish and inconsiderate. How do we make this work?
There is no “we” who has to make this work. You are the one with your head up your ass. You are the one who has to remove it.

Why do so many people feel they are entitled to happiness?
The problem isn’t people feeling they’re entitled to happiness. The problem is people feeling they’re more entitled to happiness than others.

I have 3 kids and a great husband. I live in a small town and don’t work. Why am I not happy? Why do I want to move to a bigger city? Why won’t my hair grow faster?
The answer to all three questions is simply that you’re bored.

Do you think that people such as Courtney Robertson always get their way?
Please do not idealize reality TV personalities. They are cartoons, a grotesque collection of narcissists and imbeciles willing to sacrifice their dignity at the altar of celebrity culture. They are never to be taken seriously.

When someone says, “I’ve fallen out of love with you,” does it really mean, “I think I can find someone better?” I just wanted to know if it’s a line like, “it’s not you” where it really means something else.
“I’ve fallen out of love with you” is significantly worse than “I think I can find someone better,” but you can’t see that because your wounded ego is trying to process your pain with jealousy instead of forgiveness.

We hooked up, he hasn’t called. Would it be insane to try to have a relationship with him?
A relationship? Slow down there, Zippy McCrazypants. Try finding out what he looks like in daylight before you start planning the wedding. Baby steps.

I keep retreating into inactivity and mindlessly surfing the web. I’ve been asleep for at least ten years now. How can I wake up?
There is no grand answer to that question, nor does there need to be. The point is that you keep asking yourself every day.

What are your thoughts on boycotting Chick-fil-A, whose CEO recently slammed gay marriage?
Feel free to boycott, but don’t expect it to make a dent in Dan Cathy’s ignorance or his bottom line.

If he’s under police investigation, he’s not at all boyfriend material, right?
If you have to ask this question, you’re not girlfriend material either.

Why do I always go to the bathroom during work to masturbate?
Because you’d get fired if you did it at your workstation.

I’m attracted to my boyfriend’s sister. How do I deal with this?
Whatever you do, don’t suggest a threesome.

My boyfriend has never eaten a girl out, and refuses to eat me out. Advice?
Find a new boyfriend.

Would you do it again?
Twice and harder.

Dear Coquette,

To what extent should a partner’s romantic past matter in a relationship?
Only to the extent that either of you can’t leave it there.

What do you think about marrying your first love? Does everyone have to go through heartbreak?
Do what makes you happy, but you’re a fool if you think marrying your first love is any kind of protection against heartbreak.

Why do I hate you?
Because something about who you think I am is a threat to your identity.

According to one of my friends, wearing black to a wedding is breaking some sort of fashion law. But I already bought my dress.
Yeah, people don’t like being reminded of how similar weddings are to funerals.

You make it seem like all relationships inevitably end. Do they?
Everything ends.

Do you think narcissism is necessary to be a good artist?
No, but narcissism is necessary to convince yourself that you are a good artist.

Am I a bitch for not breaking up with my boyfriend until I have enough money saved to get my own place? Or am I being smart? Right now I’m kinda bouncing between the two.
What you’re being is emotionally dishonest, which has very little to do with being a bitch or being smart.

I haven’t come out to my parents mainly because I vividly remember my mom telling me that she “likes gays, just not in our family.” Is it awful of me to put off telling them until after they pay for college?
If your parents would cut you off for coming out of the closet, then you should probably hold out for some therapy money too.

If you’re in an open relationship and start seeing someone else, should you tell them upon first meeting that there is someone else?
Tell them before you start to mislead them.

How can I get friends that like me and that I like?
Like yourself first.

If you have cancer, should you not date?
Do whatever the hell you want.

Why do I want every guy to fall in love with me, despite the fact I’m already in a relationship and in love?
Because you lived with your mother after your parents got divorced.

Is watching porn bad for you?
It’s fine. Just don’t let it get in the way of other things.

How do I take myself, my sexuality, and my desirability seriously enough to go out of my way to meet people expressly for the purpose of dating them?
You don’t have to take any of it seriously.

How weird is it for a 25 year-old to still sleep with a stuffed animal?
It must be nice not having any real problems in your life.

Dear Coquette,

Why is it that I can look at a hot guy, want to make out with him, and know it would mean nothing, but it makes me feel sick to my stomach if I think about my boyfriend doing it?
Because you are culturally conditioned to experience sexual jealousy.

Why do you say it’s important to have multiple relationships and/or sexual experiences/encounters?
Because one day you’ll be dead.

I am really hung up on the fact that everyone I love will die. Just the thought of losing people hurts so much I cry sometimes. How do I cope with this fear?
Quit whining and enjoy the people in your life.

Do people change?
Yes, but not how you’re hoping.

Is smart something you can go and get?
No, but books are. Never stop reading, and you’ll be fine.

How can a guy flat out ignore you after a few fun dates and some great sex?
Yeah, that happens all the time. Never take it personally.

Is four days too soon after a breakup to meet somebody new? Should it be more like four weeks?
It’s called a rebound. Enjoy yourself.

What if you’re not sexually attracted to your soulmate?
There’s no such thing as a soulmate. If your partner doesn’t turn you on anymore, I suggest you both evaluate your sexual needs and then re-evaluate the terms of your relationship.

My family’s business just went broke and now we can’t afford to pay our mortgage. Any advice?
Don’t live in denial. Modify your loan or put your home on the market before you start eating away at your savings.

How do you make girl friends? Middle of college, my boyfriend and his friends are awesome, but I feel my social life is lacking.
Join something — a team, a group, or a club. Pick one with other girls in it, and participate without your boyfriend.

What is the difference between pain and suffering?
Pain is a tactic. Suffering is a strategy.

What do you think is the most unattractive characteristic someone can have, personality-wise?
Willful ignorance.

Dear Coquette,

Can you fall out of love with someone just as fast as you fell in love with them?
A helluva lot faster, actually.

Why am I obsessed with my boyfriend’s ex?
Because she used to touch your boyfriend’s penis.

Why would a woman claim to not be a feminist?
Because the world needs irony.

How do you cure a hangover?
Water and time.

Is doing a good thing still good if it’s to make you feel better?
If the good thing remains good independent of how it makes you feel, then yes.

I miss my ex-boyfriend who is a lying, spineless scumbag. I hate myself, how do I get over this?
Forgive yourself for missing him. (In other words, just quit hating yourself.)

What’s the best way to deal with emotional infidelity?
Honest communication.

How can you tell if a guy is using you for physical gratification or if he actually cares for you?
If I’m having consensual sex with a guy, it’s not possible for him to use me, because I accept personal responsibility for the decisions I make with my own body.

I’m 30 years old, in grad school, and I realized I’m just not that smart. What do I do?
Relax. Just do your best, try not to let people find out, and don’t use it as an excuse to quit.

He says he doesn’t want a relationship, but continues to tame my heart. Should I stop talking to him?
Nah, keep banging your head against that wall. Anyone who uses the phrase “tame my heart” needs to suffer a little bit longer.

How do I know when I love someone and I am not just lusting for them?
When you discover how little those two things have in common.

Is there even a point in being in a romantic relationship between the ages of 18 to 21?
No, but that shouldn’t stop you from trying.

How do you know the difference between extreme introspection and absolute self-absorption?
Introspection tests the ego. Self-absorption indulges it.

Dear Coquette,

How do I tell if I actually want to work in show business or if it’s just a fantasy resulting from being part of a culture that has been over-saturated with entertainment?
The fact that you can’t narrow your goals down to anything more specific than “work in show business” is evidence that you’re easily distracted by shiny objects.

I’ve been dating a certain person for two years and it’s gotten boring. Now we’re long-distance and I want to end it. Do it now or wait till I return?
If you’re sure, then get it done now. It’s cowardly to string people along.

The more I learn about the world, the more depressed I get.
Don’t confuse watching the news for learning about the world.

How does one outshine the hottest girl at a party?
Laser tits.

I wonder if he still thinks about me.
Every once in a while, during masturbation.

I don’t get it. Do video games suck his dick? I don’t think so.
You’re vastly underestimating how much video games stimulate the pleasure center of his brain. You’re also overestimating how much your blowjobs actually do stimulate it.

Where’s the revolution?
At the moment, it’s in Syria.

Should women be included in the draft?
Absolutely. Should there ever be a draft in the first place? Absolutely not.

My boyfriend of over a year just told me he’s fairly sure he’s bisexual. I have no idea what to say but “me too.” How does this work from here?
It works however you both want it to work. Talk it out. Do whatever you like. If you’re both into each other, where you fall on the Kinsey Scale doesn’t have to be that big a deal.

Should I follow my instincts, or play games?
Shut up and get back to work.

Do you think it’s a good idea for me to take a year off after graduating high school in two years?
A year off from what, exactly?

Do you believe two people can be happy together forever?
If by “happy together” you mean pair-bonded, and if by “forever” you mean until one of them dies, then yes, it’s technically possible.

Hey, do you have any good nonfiction book recommendations? I’m in the mood to alter my perspective.
Right on, dude. Go read The Ego Tunnel by Thomas Metzinger, and Trading Up by Michael Silverstein and Neil Fiske. They’re both brilliant, and they’ll change how you see the world.

Dear Coquette,

Do you think college/getting a degree is a waste of time?
Hell no. At worst, it’s a waste of money.

What is the point of living?
Happiness.

Why do I feel the need for constant male attention?
It’s how you validate your sense of self-worth.

I really want to get my nose pierced, but all the naysayers always ask WHY. The truth is, I’m just a 19-year-old who thinks it looks cool with a bit of cash to burn. Do I need a good reason if I want it?
I’m not your mom. Stick whatever the hell you want into your stupid face.

Why are all philosophy professors such douchebags?
Because they spend their lives dealing with philosophy students.

If a guy routinely screws me from behind, does he not respect me?
Only if it’s a metaphor. Also, you’re an idiot.

If the U.S. ends up electing Rick Santorum, what would you do?
Catch a ride on a flying pig all the way to the ski slopes of hell.

Is your (age / 2 + 7) equation just for relationships or all sexual encounters?
My equation for sexual encounters is (age > age of consent) + mutual consent.

You get to change all four heads on Mount Rushmore to any other four heads of people born in America. Who do you choose?
The cast of “Seinfeld.” Now pass me that joint, you hipster doofus.

Why am I hugely suspicious of cops even though they’ve never done anything to me directly?
Because you are heavily influenced by pop culture, and the archetype of the “corrupt cop” is a powerful cultural meme.

How do I make today different from yesterday?
Action.

How do I stop gay, middle-aged, “charming and experienced” boyfriend-stealers in their tracks?
I dunno, stop dating dudes with daddy issues?

Is it wrong to feel slightly insulted when your fiancé asks to borrow your computer so he can go “rub one out” in the other room because you have a headache and not enough stamina for sex?
Odds are, it was a dick move. I don’t have enough context to tell you for sure whether his behavior was deliberately passive-aggressive or just a bit thoughtless. Either way, don’t ask my permission to feel your emotions. If you’re insulted, you’re insulted.

How come you have it all figured out?
I don’t. Anyone who says otherwise is full of shit.