Are you judgmental of overweight women? Do you think heavier girls can be just as sexy and desirable as our skinny counterparts?

Overweight. Underweight. The terms are judgmental in and of themselves. They imply a standard. That’s fine if the standard is based on health and well being, but it’s not okay if the standard is based on an idealized notion of aesthetic perfection.

Unfortunately, most girls don’t seem to make the distinction between their desire to meet a healthy standard and their desire to meet an aesthetic ideal. Your question doesn’t make the distinction either.

You’re asking me about sex appeal and desirability as it relates to weight, but sexiness isn’t something that comes down to a number on a bathroom scale. On the heavy side, I have a massive throbbing lady boner for Christina Hendricks, but I find Beth Ditto to be downright unattractive. On the skinny side, I’ve always thought Kate Moss was kinda gross, but I would spend days going down on Keira Knightley.

Weight has very little to do with whether I think you’re hot. That shit’s just a measurement. Sure, it correlates to other things that do affect my attraction — self-confidence, physical fitness, personal style — but too often girls get caught up with hitting a dress size or a weight goal and they neglect the stuff that really matters.

This applies to the guys too, by the way. Your weight is far less important to me than whether you’re healthy, well groomed, stylish, and confident.

Still, let’s not kid ourselves. Morbid obesity, by its very definition, isn’t healthy. The American version of overweight is usually unattractive because it is the direct result of a shitty diet and a sedentary lifestyle. Of course, the American version of underweight is equally unattractive because it’s usually the result of an eating disorder or some other physical disease.

Being healthy almost always implies being at an appropriate weight for your body type. Is that judgement? Maybe, but I probably wasn’t gonna fuck you anyway, so what do you care what I think?

I moved to the south a few months ago and recently got a job with a very small company.  There are six employees total.  Our weekly meetings begin with prayer, and I’m not sure how to tell my boss that I’m uncomfortable with this—or if I should tell him.  It’s one thing to suck it up and join hands with my big Catholic family as my uncle leads us in a round of “Bless Us O Lord” every Christmas.  I don’t mind that.  But business is obviously very different.  What do you think I should do?

Tough shit, kiddo. You’re in the south. If the owner of the company wants everybody to sit around before staff meetings and watch while he talks to his imaginary friend in the sky, that’s his prerogative.

Unless your boss starts waving his dick around or calling people niggers, he can do pretty much whatever he wants. It’s his show. Sure, it’s ridiculous, but there’s not much you can do except sit there quietly and roll your eyes every week. Believe me, you accomplish nothing by registering your discomfort.

It’s a free country, as they say. Your boss is free to be a moron, and you’re free to quit. This kind of thing doesn’t qualify as a hostile work environment unless your employer attempts to retaliate against you for refusing to pray.

I highly recommend you learn to smirk at nonsense like this. Don’t let it make you uncomfortable. It’s not worth the hassle.

I’ve had a really unstable and dramatic life. Raped twice, molested by several family friends, beat by my parents and ex boyfriends, and much much more. I also am extremely bi polar (I’ve been diagnosed several different times by different psychiatrists since I was 6 years old). I’ve tried to get over my issues and just live life, be happy, and leave the bullshit behind. But I can’t help but let these things creep in. It ruined a long-term relationship, every relationship I’ve had since, and every friendship I have. My family hates me because of it and treat me like a monster. I’m afraid to get on medication for it, because I’ve done so much to overcome my past and make something of myself and I know if I get on medication my family will claim that I’m a quitter and take away all credit I’ve earned for what I have accomplished. But it’s really getting out of hand. I see a therapist, I know all the steps, I’ve tried to get over it, around it, through it, under it, and it’s just not working. I can’t continue to live my life a victim to my illness and my past and continuing to have suicide in the back of my mind every day of my life. My therapist recommends medication, and after struggling with self-harm and attempting suicide earlier this week I think she might be right. But I can’t help but feel guilty and like I’m admitting defeat if I get on medication for this.

You’ve already admitted defeat in the way you talk. You’ve given your disease the power to ruin your relationships, and you’ve given your family’s backward way of thinking the power to influence your mental health. Fuck all that.

Are people with brain tumors admitting defeat when they go on chemotherapy? Of course not. They are simply admitting that they have a disease. You are no different.

In your own mind, there should be no distinction between the neurophysiological disease of a brain tumor and the neurochemical disease of bipolar disorder. They are both measurably real. They are both beyond your control, and neither can simply be willed away.

Therapy is vital. No doubt the work you’ve done has helped manage the symptoms, but still, all the psychological tools in the world won’t fix your underlying brain chemistry.

Go on the medication, and don’t let anyone judge you for it. Fuck what your family thinks. You have no reason to feel guilty for taking control of your disease. At the same time, don’t let it define you. Your disease may affect your mood and behavior, but it is not you. Don’t give it the power to ruin your relationships.

You’re not a monster. You’re just a girl who’s been dealt a shitty hand, and you’re doing the best with what you’ve got.

Good luck with the meds. I hope that shit works for you.

Paris Fashion Week or Sundance? OMG WHICH ONE???

Park City or Paris? Are you fucking kidding me?

Sundance is okay if you’re in the mood to fuck a Mormon in the snow after day of shitty movies, but that doesn’t hold a candle to fucking a Frenchman in the City of Light after a day of runway shows.

Go to Paris.

But I’ve been to Paris loads of times and my movie is playing at Sundance. However, I just can’t shake off how much I love shows! Plus I have invites. WHY IS MY LIFE SO HARD?

If you’ve got a movie at the festival and your passport already has plenty of stamps, then fine, go freeze your tits off at Sundance.

Do us all a favor, though. Quit whining in capital letters. I know you’re trying to be funny, but it just makes everybody want to slap you.

For many months I have had trouble getting wet with my sexy and all around 5 star boyfriend. Once we tried some KY lube and it severely burned me and my partner’s genitals. What the fuck? It was bullshit! I think lube would help us a lot but I haven’t been inspired to shop around for any since that incident. Why did that happen, and what product can I trust?

You probably used KY Intense or Kissable Sensations or some other bullshit grocery store product line that tries to convince you that a mild chemical burn is a “warming and tingling sensation.” Fuck that.

If you insist on buying your lube from the same place you buy your beer, go with the basics. Just get Astroglide or KY Liquid. Don’t get distracted by colorful packaging, and never buy anything with warming, cooling, tingling, or flavored on the label.

I’ve recommended it before, but if you want the good stuff, there’s still no better brand than Sliquid. My personal favorite has always been Sliquid Silk.

So here’s the deal coketalk. I’ve slept with two guys in the same flat in the course of a few months. They were both just casual sex and its not awkward at all between anyone. We’re in dorms and so I see these guys pretty often at predrinks and such. The thing is, one of the girls attending these predrinks gets to be quite a loud-mouth when she’s drunk and always says inappropriate things in front of everyone like asking who was better/bigger etc. making an awkward situation. She’s always talking about sex when she’s drunk and its just sort of the way she is, I don’t think she can help it. Plus I think if I confronted her one-on-one she’d just somehow manipulate what I said when telling all her girl friends and just create bigger problems. How do I play it off in front of everyone without showing embarrassment?

Own that shit. You have no reason to feel embarrassed, so don’t. If you can’t help but feel embarrassment, own that shit too. Don’t try and play it off. Acknowledge it.

Awkwardness only happens when people are trying to pretend there’s not an elephant in the room. Fuck that shit. Point at it and laugh, because I promise you, there is no hiding it.

Just shake your head and tell the dumb bitch to handle her liquor. You don’t have to be confrontational, and you don’t have to be mean. In fact, the cooler the better.

Remind her that nobody likes the loud-mouth drunk girl at the party. Call her out on her tacky behavior. Make it about her.

This is me, being vulnerable.  I’ve been dating this guys for around 6 months now—never been closer to someone faster, never fallen so effortlessly into a relationship.  He’s great, if a little needy at times.

So here’s the thing.  During a very long, relationship-y talk, he let it slip/hinted that he was sexually abused as a child.  Awful and incomprehensible.  And I checked (read: googled) around, and it explains a lot of mysterious problems—like his inability to orgasm but huge sexual drive.  I don’t know when, I don’t know who, and I don’t know how much.  All I know is that I want to be there for him and also that it absolutely terrifies me to take on that kind of emotional baggage so soon into a relationship.  So what do you think…is this a dealbreaker?  Am I just running scared from something real?

p.s. Just recently moved to LA and you’re helping me hate it less.

Welcome to LA. Try thinking of it as the first class cabin where the overhead compartments are a bit roomier. They have to be, because we’re all carrying a little extra emotional baggage on this flight.

Your new boyfriend’s childhood trauma isn’t anything to fear. There’s no need for something like this to be a dealbreaker, but it is something to take seriously. Don’t try and armchair psych this kind of situation. The last thing you should be doing is using google as a diagnostic manual.

In other words, his inability to orgasm isn’t necessarily a direct result of his past sexual abuse. It might be, but it might just as well be something else altogether. Leave that kind of shit to the pros. Be his romantic partner, not his shrink.

Don’t scapegoat his childhood trauma by attributing it to every little relationship problem. That’s a recipe for disaster.

Don’t be there for him. Be there with him.

LA Hotels: Where would Coketalk recommend that a young couple that likes to party and is looking for a little trouble stay during a weekend in LA? Looking for something nice and a little permissive, but not too sketch, we’re thinking a couple of late-nights, not all-nighters. Cost isn’t really an issue, I’ve learned nice hotels are usually worth the money if you are short on time and in a new city.

Cost isn’t an issue? A bungalow at the Chateau Marmont. Duh.

My father hired a private investigator in order to prevent me from being with the man with whom I am in love because our relationship violates social norms. I’m not a minor, but I am financially dependent on my father. I don’t want to comply but he is paying for my tuition and literally everything else in my life. I don’t know how I could survive without his income, but I know there are ways and I am willing to do what it takes. My boyfriend thinks I should hang in there until I graduate even if it means we can’t see each other for over a year. I would most likely have to give up literally every material possession I own and  my continuing education but I would rather that than let myself be treated this way. Coke Talk, I feel violated and cornered and if this were a therapy session, I would tell you how fucking pissed I am for being unable to protect myself. Instead I want to ask you what you think. Does enduring the current injustices make me a spineless child or is it the smarter choice considering what I would be giving up?

So daddy’s little drama queen is dating outside her race again?

Sorry, princess. You won’t get any sympathy from me by whining about your insulated notions of injustice on MLK Day. You haven’t had to endure shit yet, but don’t worry. You will.

You’ve got an ugly choice to make. Fall in line or tell the money faucet to go fuck himself. It’s entirely up to you.

You’re gonna have to walk away from young love and harden up from the inside out, or you’re gonna have to walk away from financial stability and harden up from the outside in. Either way, your spineless childhood is coming to an end.

Make a conscious choice. Accept the consequences. That’s what adults do.

There is no right or wrong here, by the way. Not really. Romantic twits and heartless pragmatists would disagree, but the only wrong way to handle this would be to ignore the choice and let others decide on your behalf. That’s what children do.

Good luck with whichever way you go.

I don’t get how someone as smart as you fell in the Assange/wikileaks trap. He’s obviously made up. You think there is someone so powerful as to manage to put secret documents online and governments can’t find a way to shut it down?

There is too much fuss about it. He’s too charismatic. And I didn’t need wikileaks to know the kind of stuff that they revealed. They revealed nothing too shocking or too compromising.

You know what? They build it. They created it. Wikileaks will only help keep the masses undercontrol.

The truth has always been there. In front of us for most to deny it and few to accept it.

I assume you read 1984. Well, don’t you see it? There you have your own government-invented Goldstein, just a bit more attractive, right to be at pace with the contemporary age.

Paranoid conspiracy theories are on par with all the other grandiose delusions that manage to put your otherwise insignificant ego at the center of some vast and organized plan. At the end of the day, a dystopian vision is just as self-serving as a utopian one.

Sorry, Mr. Crazypants. There is no “they” just like there is no god.

Just take your meds, and please don’t buy a gun.