I feel like it will literally take me the rest of my life to find some guy that actually “gets” me. Like a guy that understands why I make shirts that say “Come at me bro” and drive around with a deer skull mounted on my dashboard and doesn’t think I’m a fraheek at a cursory glance. Will I ever meet someone in high school that won’t take my preoccupation with internet culture and obnoxious irony seriously? Am I expecting too much out of dudes when I expect to find someone that will just “get” who I am? Ugh I hope I don’t regret asking this.

High school? No. You will not meet someone in high school that actually “gets” you, and yes, you are expecting too much out of dudes for them to just “get” who you are.

As interesting as you sound, your shit is still coming together. The “you” that will eventually be gotten is still forming. That’s not criticism. That’s not even a knock on your emotional maturity, which quite frankly seems higher than most. It’s merely an observation.

You’re still knee deep in the adolescent experience, bored with it no doubt, but still, not past it yet. At best, you can hope to find a dude who’s walking the path at your speed, someone who, at least for now, you share enough similar experiences and sexual chemistry to keep things interesting until the next phase. And hell, that may be all you’re really looking for anyway. After all, most folks end up calling that shit first love.

Whatever happens, don’t worry about it, little sister. Getting and being gotten are experiences for which you’ll have plenty of time. More than once, I hope.

By then, who knows what you’ll have mounted on your dashboard.

As I was turning in my final on the last day of class today, my professor offered to go over my grade with me.  Long story short, he pointed to the only D I have received thus far (otherwise all A’s) and said verbatim “What happened here?  You should be embarrassed.  I should spank you for this.  You you’d probably like that, right?”  I was dumbfounded, chuckled instinctually, and he furthered “Oh look I’m making you blush, I didn’t mean to make you blush.”  All around fucked dude, and I’m pissed.  My parents told me to get used to this treatment in the workplace and in life but I think it’s fucked and am seriously violated.  What the fuck should I do?

First off, don’t ever get used to it. Assholes are gonna violate the social contract. You can come to expect it. You can even be prepared for it, but don’t ever get used to it.

Most people are decent and will stick within the boundaries of acceptable behavior, but occasionally, you’ll come across an asshole who deliberately crosses the line for no other reason than to fuck with you.

Don’t put up with that shit for one second. If someone violates the social contract, you should feel free to do the same. You don’t have to continue being polite. Come back over the top of him with guns blazing.

I’m not talking about instances where your physical safety is threatened. That’s different. If that’s ever the case, just get the fuck out of the room. I’m talking about bullies and creeps who just get off on watching you squirm.

Hold on to just a little bit of that pissed off feeling you’ve got right now. Keep it as a pilot light so that when shit like this happens in the future, you’ll be ready to shoot fire with your eyes and say, “Don’t talk to me like that, motherfucker, or I’ll have you in shit up to your ears so fast you’ll wish the letter D wasn’t even in the alphabet.”

And of course, don’t get caught up with the words. They aren’t important, and they don’t have to be threatening or clever. What matters is the force of will to refuse the violation. If it comes out like venom, a simple, “Quit it, asshole” is all you’ll ever need.

Perhaps Whore Talk wasn’t the best idea. People have their own pictures in their heads of you- and different people like to envision you in different ways. I, for example, have always pictured you as edgy, sexy and a little dirty. Having seen your style site, I now have a revolting image of you as flitty bohemian blonde in sparkles and fanny packs. So NOT hot.

I totally wish I’d never seen it so that I could have kept you foxy in my mind.

I appreciate your concern, but you’re confusing the limitations of your imagination for the limitations of my style. Whore Talk is a rock opera, and you’ve barely heard the back beat to the overture.

Perhaps underestimating me wasn’t the best idea.

Ok well my boyfriend broke up with me a month ago because his depression made him feel he wasn’t able to fully commit to a relationship. Now after we broke up I’ve talked to two guys and he’s become very jealous. He and I still talk very much. Now I really like this new guy, but not to date just like fool around with because Im single. This dude is leaving in one month to the marines so I know its nothing serious. But I am in love with my ex, and he claims that we might go out again after he sorts through his depression. Now should I give up a chance at fun for a month with this new guy (and any other future possible guys really) just to wait for this dude that I think I love?

His depression made him feel like he wasn’t able to fully commit? Wow. Fuck that guy. Fuck him right in the face.

The second I smell that kind of bullshit on a dude’s breath, I kick his punk ass to the curb. I recommend you do the same, regardless of whether you think you still love him.

The bastard didn’t want to be with you, plain and simple. The least he could’ve done was sack up and shoot you straight, but no, his serotonin levels were to blame. The depression made him do it. Right. Like he had a gun to his head when he broke up with you. What a douche.

He’s such a monumental pussy that he wouldn’t even take ownership of his own emotions, and now, when he reacts out of petty jealousy, you’re ready to go in for another round of his mealy-mouthed half-assery?

Wake up, bitch. You’re being jerked around.

Is modesty important? And is there a difference between modesty and humbleness?

Being modest is for winners. Being humble is for losers. They are both merely ego states that imply cultural status, so ultimately neither is that important.

Still, they have their use in matters of diplomacy.

Is it wrong to have sex with someone just because you know they really want to have sex with you? A literal sexual favor? I know this question makes me sound like a douche, but there’s this really nice guy that I’m just not interested in, and he never gets laid and has sort of a low opinion of himself. I feel like having sex with me would be good for him. Thoughts?

If you have sex with this guy, it will confuse him. He is guaranteed to misinterpret your intentions, and I promise there will be emotional blowback for which you are not prepared. Shit will get messy.

One way or another, you’ll end up having to tell him that it was just a pity fuck. Trust me, if you think he has a low opinion of himself now, just wait until that news hits him like a ton of pathetic bricks.

Even if you tell him up front, you’re still not doing him any favors. Not really. He needs confidence, not consolation prize pussy.

Sure, he’ll be agreeable to getting laid, but what happens if you’re honest about your intentions and then he can’t get it up? What happens if he underperforms? Are you ready to deal with the emotional shit storm? I think not.

I’m just showing you what’s at stake. I’m not telling you what to do here, because this isn’t about right or wrong. It’s your vagina. Fuck who you wanna fuck, but you have to be willing to accept the consequences of your actions, which in this case could very easily be the end of the friendship.

You’ve been warned.

Last minute Christmas conundrum, so if you manage to answer this in time, you’ll be my personal Jesus this year.

Like a lot of American twentysomethings, I have a nontraditional family.  I have my mom and my stepdad on one hand, and then I have my best friend and her parents who let me live with them when my mom took a long ride down the bipolar express lane in high school.  Since my mom and I reconciled, it’s been a hard balancing act finding a way to manage my time between the two families, and it’s never harder than during the holidays.

My mom thinks that Christmas needs to be spent with biological family and that my best friend’s parents are good friends at best.  My best friend’s mom thinks that mine gave up the right to the term “family” when she kicked me out.

My current plan is to spend Christmas morning and afternoon with my mom and stepfather and then go to my second family’s for a late dinner.  Second family is putting off eating until I get there because they’re sweet like that.  Even though I feel like this sort of scheduling and juggling is exactly what married couples do to fit in everyone, there are still hurt feelings all around because both families think they are the only ones with a “claim” to my time.  There’s lots of passive aggressive comments being made, and I guess I’m just looking for the straight-forward words to say to let them both know that I care about them and I’m doing the best I can.  Heads up, I’ve tried what I just said to you and it got me nowhere.

Merry Christmas, coketalk.

Despite the fact that you have reconciled, your mother is dreading the hour when you leave to visit your second family. Her passive aggressive behavior is a manifestation of her own personal shame, because your absence will be a conspicuous reminder of her failures as a mother during your teen years.

On the other hand, your second family is bending over backwards to include you, and your best friend’s mom no doubt has a bit of a possessive, judgmental streak. She’s a good person, but controlling in her own way.

You’re stuck between dueling maternal wills, and you’re under the unfortunate impression that somehow you’re the one responsible for their emotional state.

Well, you’re not.

Once again, you are not responsible for either family’s emotional state. Your obligation is to be a part of each family’s traditions. That’s it. That’s all. Quit looking for the magic words that will make everyone happy. Those don’t exist.

Show them love and respect. Tell them as much, and do what you know to be right. After that, the trick is knowing when to let the passive aggressive comments roll right off your back, because their hurt feelings aren’t on you.

I’m serious. Smile big, hug big, and let the rest of that shit go. Don’t rise to the bait or feel any obligation to attack, defend, or entertain anyone else’s opinion on the matter.

It really is that simple. On Christmas morning, you don’t need a personal Jesus. You just need the strength of your convictions.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.