Advice

On smoking out

I have two very good friends, a married couple, who live far away. We’re not able to see each other often, but when they visit, they stay with me, and when I visit, I stay with them. Here’s the problem. They love to smoke out, and I have asthma. I learned the hard way that smoke, including weed, is not my friend. They know this. When they stay with me, this isn’t a problem, but when I stay with them, they break out the pipe and then I have to break out my puffer and/or discreetly excuse myself for bed, no matter how early it might be. (And I’d rather stay up and hang out with them since our face-to-face time is rare.) I really only stay with them a couple nights a year, so it’s not like I’m in terrible danger, and normally I could deal. But tonight—yes, I’m staying with them tonight—I also have an upper respiratory infection and have been using my puffer every few hours anyway. They’ve seen this. So when the pipe came out as usual I was pretty surprised—and annoyed. Here are the options: should I ask them not to smoke when I stay with them (which is imposing on them in their own home) OR just stay in a hotel next time and tell them at that point that it’s because I can’t be around when they smoke OR do I stay in a hotel next time and say nothing at all?

Sure, your friends know you’ve got asthma, just like they know where they left their keys. Come on, man. Any couple that smokes weed errday is bound to blaze up without doing the math on your medical condition.

Not that you need a lesson in the difference between stoner absent-mindedness and genuine thoughtlessness when your lungs are on fire, but still, it’s on you to say something if you’re annoyed. You don’t have to be a whiny little bitch about it, but feel free even in their own home to tell them the smoke fucks you up, and not in a good way. You’re a guest, after all.

And damn, Weezy. How hard is it to politely suggest baking pot brownies instead? Seriously, turn that shit into a win-win. Bring a box of Duncan Hines next time and start a new tradition.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun sized advice.

Juilan Assange or Sarah Palin?
Cake or Death?


Scotland or England?
London, but only if we fly Virgin Atlantic, and if it’s August, I’m totally down for a trip up to Edinburgh for a few days of fringe.


Is there really any reason to get married?
Kids are a pretty good reason, and marriage provides for some ready-made estate planning if you’re too lazy, poor, or stupid to use lawyers. I dunno. I suppose there are plenty of reasons, but if you’re asking how many aren’t desperate anachronisms, the list gets pretty short.

Intellectual property is a tool of the creative mind or the corporate giant?
Intellectual property is a product of the creative mind and a construct of the corporate giant.

How do I find creative fulfillment?
In the present moment.

Enough about everybody else. I want to hear what’s happening in your life. Anything exciting? How’s that long-distance boyfriend of yours?
Really? Really? As if this shit doesn’t happen enough when catching up with old friends, I gotta get cunt punched from strangers on the internet now too? Ugh. Feel free to catch up on my blog after you get your foot out of your mouth.

Theoretically, what song would be played at your funeral?
For the Widows In Paradise, for the Fatherless In Ypsilanti

Do you believe in ghosts?
No.


don’t you think britney will sue you for using her image?
Oh please, did Marilyn sue Warhol?


do you swear the anonymity goes both ways here? or are you actually tracking us somehow then looking us up on facebook and feeling superior?
Wow. Paranoia, narcissism, and self-loathing all in the same breath. You’re ready to start dating in Hollywood, babe.

So you’re brilliant. So it’s part of your personality to be brilliant. But do you find that your faucet knobs turn a bit more when you’re under the influence?
Yes, but I have no idea whether it’s hot or cold.

what do you do when you tell a secret you weren’t supposed to?
Damage control.

why does being in love feel so much like nausea?
Because you have an enteric nervous system.

Why is it seemingly impossible for me to quit smoking, exercise, drink less alcohol, and eat less food? What is my goddamn problem?
You’re lazy and you lack discipline.

What are your thoughts on the old adage: “if you’re young and you’re not a liberal/democrat you have no heart; if you’re old and you’re not a conservative/republican you have no brain?”
It’s a backhanded compliment old conservatives give to young liberals, because it correlates liberal politics with the folly of youth. It’s condescension disguised as a little nugget of folksy wisdom.


What would you say if you saw Natalie ‘I run LA bitch’ from Bad Girls Club out and about?
First of all, I had to Google that bitch. Second of all, wuuut? Third of all, it would never happen, but hypothetically, if I was kidnapped, chloroformed, and woke up on the rooftop at Kress during hoochie-mama ghetto night, it’s possible that we could cross paths as I staggered to the nearest emergency exit, though in my woozy condition, I’d probably just mistake her for Scottie Pippen in drag.

Would you join Julian Assange and 2 swedish blondes for an awesome night of sex and candy IF you had to reveal him your real identity?
Are you kidding me? Look at this GQ motherfucker. I would happily reveal my secret identity to the founder of WikiLeaks. The irony would be almost as delicious as the Eyes Wide Shut style debauchery that would ensue.

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Advice

On the number from down under.

So I am sitting here in the hustle and bustle of Sydney’s metropolis watching the world go by and writing to you while a fat guy sits next to me eating $3 pasta. Do you think there’s anyone else in this city seeping your wise words of wisdom right here, right now?

As a matter of fact, there are a hundred sixty-two others in Sydney, sixty-four in Melbourne, forty-two in Brisbane, twenty-four in Perth, eighteen in Adelaide, and another twenty-seven spread out over the rest of the territory, and those are just the visitors that google is counting at the present moment. Lord knows how many Aussies are reading shit off their tumblr dashboards.

And yes, my decision to answer your question was based entirely on the fact that “the number from down under” instantly popped into my head, and there was no way I was gonna be able to resist a title with that much hair on its ass.

I’m a huge dork.

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Advice

On woody allen.

Right when I’m super close to coming, I always have these really weird and fucked up imaginations pop into my mind, and sometimes my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend also comes into the picture. And then it delays the coming process and it takes me forever. What the fuck am I supposed to do? What does this mean?

Go back and read your question over again, only this time, read it in the nebbishy, hand-wringing voice of Woody Allen.

Did you read it in Woody Allen’s voice? Good, because that’s pretty much how you sound. Yeah, that’s right. You’re Woody Allen with a vagina. Does your boyfriend know he’s basically fucking Woody Allen? I bet if he did, it’d take him forever to cum too.

Oh, and guess what? Now that I’ve planted that shit in your head, Woody Allen is gonna haunt your orgasms for the rest of your life.

Just kidding. Woody Allen won’t haunt your orgasms. Actually, all those crazy thoughts will pop into your head during sex just like they always do, only this time you’ll suddenly be picturing Woody Allen fucking your boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, and after that, everything will be fine.

Did you see Inception? That shit is for real, bitch.

Happy Hanukkah, Woody.

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Advice

On guys having no idea.

One of my friends is a very pretty girl, but she has one fatal flaw—lady has a beard. Not just some peach fuzz, that’s one thing. She actually has a full on, blonde, lady beard. More than half my well-natured male friends could manage. How do I tell her, gently, that she would be absolutely perfect looking—minus the beard? I don’t just want to give her a can of shaving cream and a gilette razor.

Yeah, no. She’s well aware of her facial hair, and she knows better than to start shaving it, so unless you’ve got a couple grand laying around to pay for her electrolysis, I suggest you shut the fuck up.

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Advice

On one-sided breakups.

Fucking Finally! Took me three times to break up with him! I think he’ll leave me alone this time! I feel like a complete asshole though! He’s an absolute mess because of it. I know its emotional black mail, but I still feel responsible for his agony! What do I do? Do I stay friends with him?

Fuck no. For your sake and for his, no contact for a good long while. None.

When it’s messy and one-sided, the person doing the breaking needs to treat that shit like an execution. Don’t let it be slow and painful. You gotta be strong enough to make it clean, fast, and permanent.

There’s no need to be mean about it. You don’t even have to be cold. Just be firm and unwavering in establishing the new boundaries, and don’t for one second put up with any emotional blackmail.

He is responsible for his own emotional state, and you are only responsible for his agony to the extent that you keep prolonging it by giving him false hope. It’s over. Don’t even stick around to see which way the body falls. Just walk away and don’t look back.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On more fun sized advice

I’m going through an existential crisis. Any tips on making it through?
Keep existing.


Had the greatest dream ever that I met you.
Was it the dream where I was giving you head from the passenger seat of a flying version of the Ferris Bueller Ferrari? I have that one sometimes.

why do i want to move to England so bad?
Harry Potter.


What is your favorite thing about words?
Using them.


Do you look down on girls that aren’t skinny?
I don’t look down on them. I look around them. Ba-zing! (Come on, you set me up for that one, right?)

Should I get implants?
Big decision. You should probably flip a coin.

In some ways you remind me of amanda palmer
Huge fucking compliment.

Have you ever felt depersonalization or derealization?
Depersonalization? Too much ketamine. Derealization? Too much LSD.

am i pretty?
Not when you’re asking needy questions.

What are your thoughts about capital punishment?
Citizens who grant the state a right to kill them are idiots.

Every time I’m about to cum with my boyfriend I fantasize of other guys. Is that very bad or just another way of dealing with monogamy?
That shit is so fucking normal. Please stop punishing yourself for being human.


How important is a man’s hair to a woman?
Probably not as important as it is to the man, but for the love of god, with whatever you’ve got, please do something with it.


Anything to say about the US embassy cable leaks?
Whatever. It wasn’t the missile codes. It was diplomats caught telling the truth. Big fucking deal. You wanna see shit really hit the fan? Just wait for the bank scandal. Congress is gonna have a field day.

You can’t talk about Jazz without mentioning Stan Getz or Dave Brubeck… proving that you only are familiar with the outer edge of mainstream jazz. which isn’t shit.
Yes, you win. You know way more about jazz than me. Your prize is a set of gigantic, pretentious headphones, which I sincerely hope you’ll wear whenever you insist on listening to all those crusty old white guys who sound like date rape from the early sixties. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll be over here talking about whatever I damn well please.

What do you think of Santa Monica’s new little theme thing going? Those neon flowers and fish they put all over the lifeguard towers and now on taxis and the skating rink… What the hell.
Santa Monica is for tourists who like their mall with a side of beach, and the cutesy shit is all part of the new cruelty. That’s what you get when you gentrify a neighborhood where rich people already live.

What’s your opinion of Adolous Huxley’s Brand New World? I just finished reading it and I’m curious as to your opinion of it.
Sweetheart, it’s Aldous Huxley’s Brave New World, and if you just finished reading it, then I’m terribly worried that you may have just proven his entire point. Oh, the horrifying irony.

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Best-Of Advice

On our ecosystem

I know you believe that buying fair trade is self-righteous and doesn’t really make a difference because we’re all still buying from the same system and I agree with you. So what is your overall opinion of the damage humans are doing to the earth’s ecosystems? What changes, if any, would you make if you had the power?

I never said buying fair trade is self-righteous. It’s a consumer preference just like any other. Whether it’s a fair trade logo, a recycle symbol, or a “Made in the USA” sticker, you’re only self-righteous if you think your consumer identity somehow makes you a better person.

As for your larger question about the planet, people tend to ignore the rather obvious fact that the earth as an ecosystem is self-regulating and self-sustaining. It doesn’t give a fuck whether we’re here or not, and on a geological time scale, human influence on the earth’s ecology is a fucking burp. It’s nothing.

When people talk about damage to the earth’s ecosystem, what they really mean is damage to the extent that humans aren’t able to continue living in it, either comfortably or in such numbers. Sure, we also care about a short list of our favorite species, but ultimately it’s all quite self-serving. Of course, that’s perfectly fine by me. I’d prefer that we all thrive, because we’ve got some serious evolving yet to do.

The best way to ensure that our ecosystem stays habitable is to make a dramatic shift in our primary energy source in the coming decades. The world economy is petroleum based. That simply has got to end. It’s dangerous, dirty, and quite frankly, it’s not like we really have a choice. At our current rate, we’re probably gonna run out of oil in our lifetimes anyway.

As a species of seven billion strong and growing, it’s inevitable that we’ll reach a tipping point where the necessity for clean, renewable energy will outweigh the moneyed entrenchment of petroleum based energy. I just hope that tipping point doesn’t come in the form of World War III or global economic collapse.

If it were up to me, I would have gotten ahead of the curve already. Instead of dumping three trillion dollars into the Iraq war, I would have made a concerted, multinational push for the major scientific breakthroughs that are needed in solar power and inertial confinement fusion technologies to revolutionize our global supply chain with clean, renewable energy.

That shit would have made the race to the moon look like fireworks, and honestly, that’s what it’s gonna take if we want to keep upwards of ten billion people alive after the oil is gone.

So, on behalf of the earth’s ecosystem, what changes would I make if I had the power? Short answer, I’d move humanity into a post-petroleum world as soon as possible and on our own terms by throwing a bazillion dollar party for solar and fusion technology.

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Advice

On partnership

I understand and agree with your definition of cheating, but what constitutes a partner? One with whom terms have been discussed? Do I have to be the one to discuss them if I really don’t care who these girls are sleeping with other than me, but I’ve inferred that they care in regard to me?

A partner is anyone with whom you have a relationship with mutually understood and agreed upon terms. That relationship can be based on love, business, crime, or whatever. In the context of love, the terms are usually based on fidelity, which centers around acts of intimacy.

The key here is “mutually understood and agreed upon.” There is no partnership otherwise. You can have a relationship, but until you both establish and agree upon the terms, it’s not a partnership.

Of course, the terms can be anything you want. People have all kinds of arrangements, and when it comes to romantic partnerships, those arrangements usually focus on some kind of physical or emotional exclusivity.

Unfortunately, people don’t communicate very well in this aspect of their lives. They assume shit. They infer shit. They apply rules from prior relationships without really discussing it, and what passes for tacit understanding for one person often flies right over the head of somebody else.

That muddling of expectations is where you run into problems, so yes, if you want to avoid the potential mess, you should take it upon yourself to be the one to discuss the terms in whatever manner you deem most appropriate. If you don’t give a fuck either way, then fine. That’s the risk you take.

Again, there is no right or wrong here. Shit doesn’t have to be all cut and dry. Hell, it never really is. I’ve just always found that it’s better to be open, honest, and up front with expectations.

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Advice

On secret identity

Do you wonder whether this “rando lawyer” who apparently has paid a lot of attention to your blog will see your recent fun sized advice and deduce your true identity?  Bruce Wayne has to deal with this shit all the time, and now so do you.

Nope. Lord knows how many times he busted out that line in front of a group. Even if it was just the once, at best, he has a hazy memory of some girls he was trying to impress, none of whom he knew, and any one of us it could have been.

Besides, do you have any idea how many letters I’ve gotten from guys either trying to confirm or being dead-to-rights sure that they were that lawyer? Apparently, that shit is highly quotable.

Bruce Wayne ain’t got shit on me.

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