I just found a bunch of open condom wrappers in the pocket of my boyfriend bathrobe— a robe he has had hanging on the back of his bathroom door since the beginning of time. He and I haven’t used condoms since April (I got on birth control around then). Is it crazy to consider this a little fishy? Why would he stick the wrappers in a bathrobe as opposed to throwing them in the garbage as he usually did?

It’s probably nothing. A bathrobe pocket of the average bachelor seems like a perfectly legitimate place for condom wrappers to lay dormant for months if not years, especially if the robe has been hanging on the bathroom door since the beginning of time.

Unless you already suspect your boyfriend of cheating, try not to get all “Murder She Wrote” with circumstantial shit like this.

My boyfriend won’t masturbate in front of me. This bothers me. Am I being unreasonable?

I love my boyfriend a lot and, in general, the sex is pretty good (we both have stressful careers, and sex sometimes takes a backseat to work, which can be frustrating for both of us).

I’ve never been able to orgasm from intercourse, so often, after we have sex, I’ll masturbate while my boyfriend watches / helps. I find this highly satisfying, and I know my boyfriend does, too. I’d love to watch my boyfriend jerk off, but the two times I brought it up, he got uncomfortable and said he didn’t want to. I tried to push him a little bit, to find out what made him feel weird about it (especially because I masturbate in front of him all the time), and he didn’t really have a good answer. He basically said that, if he were going to masturbate in front of me, he’d rather just fuck me.

I think what bothers me so much is not the jerking off, per se, but more that this is a sign that he’s not very sexually adventurous. I mean, if you won’t jerk off in front of me, will you ever be okay with all the other fun things I fantasize about doing together?

To be clear, I love him a lot, and we have really hot vanilla sex. But, I’m thinking about marrying this guy, and while I’m okay with vanilla sex most of the time, I can’t imagine ONLY having vanilla sex for the rest of my life.

So – two questions. First, is it strange that he won’t jerk off in front of me? Maybe he has some weird masturbation technique & he’s embarrassed? Or, maybe it’s something else? Second, any tips on how to talk to him about expanding our sexual repertoire? In general, we have really good communication, but this topic is a little awkward for us.

Okay, this is no big deal.

It’s not that it’s too personal for him to share it with you. It’s that it’s too private. Masturbation is his “me time,” and you’re not invited. You might as well have demanded to watch him read a magazine while he takes a shit.

I know it seems silly, but try putting yourself in his tube socks. When your boyfriend jerks off, he’s looking at porn or he’s up in his head fantasizing. If you’re there with him, he can’t really do either. That leaves him stuck being very self-aware in a very vulnerable state, and so naturally he’s not responding to your demands.

Maybe if you gave him explicit permission to pretend like you aren’t there, it might make it easier. Tell him to close his eyes and go off to his happy place. Of course, then you’d have to let him. That would require that you shut the fuck up and just watch. No helping. No talking. Nothing, at least for the first few times until he got used to it.

Alternately, you could make a game out of it. Trick him into a mutual masturbation session by pretending it’s some kind of team sport, something that would essentially be the sexual equivalent of playing air guitar. Guys play air guitar, right? I dunno, call it air fucking.

On second thought, that’s a stupid idea.

Listen, at the end of the day, he may just not want to be your little jerking monkey. That doesn’t mean he’s boring. It just means you’ve found a boundary. Fine. Whatever. Don’t worry, he’s still got his kinks. Just because he’d rather spank it solo doesn’t mean he’s not more than willing to strap a ball gag to your face and tie you to the furniture.

(For what it’s worth, I bet he’d be in to the ball gag. Something about your tone makes me think he’d really like to do that to you.)

Alright I’ll make this quick. I want my child to have grandparents but my in-laws cuss very strongly. I don’t have an issue with cuss words but calling a child a “little shit head” or “cock-sucker” seems extreme. I want to shield my child from this but my husband’s father refuses to back down. I feel bad because my husband’s mother is very sweet but keeping my child away from his grandfather means removing contact with his grandfather as well. Advice? Help?

If you don’t have an issue with cuss words, then take the stick out of your ass and quit having an issue with cuss words. Calling a child a “little shit head” isn’t extreme, it’s fucking hilarious. You only think it’s extreme because it’s your little shit head.

I’m willing to bet that your father-in-law isn’t being mean or abusive. At worst, he’s being crotchety or enforcing a little old-school discipline. He’s rough around the edges, but it all comes from a place of love, right?

If that’s the case, chill the fuck out. Feel free to never stop giving him a hard time about cussing around the youngster, but don’t cut him out of your child’s life. Having a salty old grandpa who talks shit and shoots you straight is one of the coolest things a kid can grow up with.

Hell, if it were me I’d hire the old bastard to babysit.

(Then again, I’ve gone out of my way not to breed, which is something you should probably consider when asking for my advice. I don’t have the slightest fucking clue how to raise kids.)

Can please you settle a debate for us? My boyfriend says that repeated “pounding,” as he so eloquently calls it, will stretch out a woman’s vagina to the point where it’s “blown out.” I say this is such BS – the skin’s elasticity retains shape. Sure, after kids it might stretch a bit, but do porn stars or those who are frequently “banged” need to worry about “blown out pussy holes?” thanks.

No. I will not settle the debate.

If you don’t have the courage of your convictions in the face of such monumental stupidity regarding your own gender’s anatomy, then you don’t deserve to win the argument.

This is tough love. Be strong. Go make the world a better place by learning something on your own and then teaching it to your ignorant boyfriend so he shuts the fuck up.

I was fucking someone for a few months and ended up making a sex tape with him. He’s as bad of a person as they come. He has a lot of money and no spine, and I’m afraid certain members of our social circle with whom I don’t get along will convince him to somehow make the tape public. This whole situation is the result of a string of remarkably stupid decisions on my part. Am I fucked, or is there something I can do?

Is it actually on a video tape? If so, consider yourself lucky he wasn’t using new equipment. All you have to do is break into his house and steal the tape.

If it’s on digital media, then we’re talking about a Mission Impossible style breach-headquarters-and-hack-into-the-mainframe type job. You’ve got to sneak in to his home or office, find and erase it from the original memory cards on which it was shot, the computer’s hard drive to which it was transferred, and any backup drives onto which it may already be archived.

So yeah, that’s what you can do. Otherwise, you are indeed fucked.

Good luck.