I am 32 and my boyfriend is 28.  I am an actress and he is a professional poker player that works at Whole Foods. I am southern, he is from New England. I believe in a higher power, he is an atheist.  We couldn’t be more different, yet I find myself making plans with this man. I consider having a life with him and have committed myself to him in a way that I haven’t with any other partner in the past.  I am a giant commitment-phobe although I am not a cheater or dishonest.  I guess I have just never bought into the enterprise of marriage or babies or white fences.

So all this yimmeryammering leads me to my question for you—should I move in with this man? Is commitment a lie we feed to ourselves?  I have always been good about taking a leap of faith in my art, but what about in my life?  I fear being hurt or broken hearted, but I love this man and I want my life with him to move forward.  Does this mean marriage and a labradoodle?

Help me out, Coke Talk.  Or at the very least, make fun of me so I can laugh at my own idiocy and childish paranoia.

How interesting that you’ve chosen a Labradoodle to represent your crippling fear of a broken home. As metaphors go, it’s pretty good.

Your commitment issues and Labradoodles were both created in the late eighties, right around the time the relationship between your rough-and-tumble father (a Labrador Retriever) and your pretty but spoiled mother (a Poodle) began to crumble right before your very eyes.

You were only about ten years old at the time, but the unhealthy dynamic of their marriage forever warped your notion of what it meant to be in an intimate relationship.

Don’t worry, you’re not alone. One might say you’re part of an entirely new breed of bitches, and just like Labradoodles, there seem to be an awful lot of them at Runyon Canyon on the weekends.

Listen, it’s good that you’re in love. Enjoy it. Don’t be afraid to make long term plans with your boyfriend. You’re not your mother, and he’s not your father. Sure, you may end up with a broken heart one day, but that doesn’t mean you’re destined to repeat history.

Now, since you asked me to make fun of you, I figure the least I can do is give you a little shit for the “taking a leap of faith in my art” remark. You’re a thirty-two year old actress. I’m just sayin’, there’s a difference between a leap of faith and a suicide mission.

Oh, and let’s be clear about another thing, a professional earns a living at his craft. That is to say, your boyfriend is a professional grocer. He is an amateur poker player.

I believe the words you’re looking for are, “oh, snap!”

*drops the microphone and walks off stage*

So I know it sounds bad to say this, but my friend is a big groupie of this band. Like goes to all their shows in a reasonable distance, has plenty of their; tees, posters,etc., she even hooks up with one of them, I would call her obsesed! She convinced me to go with her to see them.

With a weird turn of events, I ended up hooking up with one of them. I dont obsess and I dont even take plesure listening to there music. The guy and I just ended up clicking and I just wanted to have some fun. But does this make me a groupie too?

Don’t worry, you’re not a groupie. You’re a stupid whore.

I’m totally kidding. You’re not a whore.

Seriously though, learn the difference between their and there. While you’re at it, pay attention to your punctuation, use your fucking spell check, and try writing sentences with both a subject and a predicate.

I know, you’re a teenage girl. You’ve got better things to do than write above a third grade level, but trust me on this, your communication skills are a vital component to your interpersonal relationships.

Learn to string a few words together. Show some respect for your language. You never know, babe. Maybe one day instead of blowing the bass player, you could be the lead singer.

(Oh, and quit being so worried about being labeled a groupie. Instead, develop excellent taste in music, be passionate about artists who deserve your attention, and fuck who you want to fuck.)

Is it better to tell someone you love them when they say it or leave them hanging until you feel it?

Come on, people. This is Integrity 101. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. If you don’t love someone, don’t let them guilt you into saying “I love you” out of some misguided sense of propriety.

You’re not leaving them hanging unless they’re expecting you to return the sentiment, and if that’s the case, then they’re not really saying, “I love you.” What they’re really doing is committing little tiny acts of emotional extortion.

Don’t degrade “I love you” by surrendering it against your will. Every time you say those three words you should feel it.

If there’s no God or some kind of Higher Power, how do you explain all the plain miracles that happen? People surely don’t start walking for the first time in their lives just because of sheer luck.

Yeah, and fucking magnets, how do they work?

How do you fuck girls as opposed to guys? I’m just starting to tread in the girl territory now that I’ve realized I’m more bisexual than I thought, but there are obviously different buttons to push and different ways to push them than with guys, and apart from a couple of kisses, I have no sexual experience with girls.

I know you’ve had sex with girls and you seem experienced, so please help a girl out.

Don’t worry about the buttons. You have a vagina, and you’ve watched enough girl-on-girl porn not to be confused about how this works. The physicality of it will come naturally, so just take your time and enjoy how soft and different it is.

The most important thing you can do in this phase of your exploration is be open with your partners about your emotional expectations. It’s fine if you’re just playing around with your bisexuality, but it may be more than just experimentation for them.

You think shit gets complicated with guys? Try fucking a lesbian who considers you a legitimate relationship prospect when all you’re doing is satisfying curiosity. Trust me, you can’t even imagine the drama.

Just make sure you’re both in bed for compatible reasons, and the rest will be fun and delicious.

Am I being unrealistic in expecting my partner to not disappoint me? I understand problems will arise in any relationship, but when it is a recurring problem and talking about it isn’t creating any solutions, is my only option to leave?

Maybe I’m being foolish, but if there is anybody that could knock me out of it, it would be you Coke Talk.

Are you being unrealistic? Yes. Disappointment happens. It’s inevitable, but you know what? Our partners also support us and make us laugh and cuddle with us and sex us up when we need sexing. That’s why we keep them around, right?

If the recurring problem overshadows all those good things, then sure, you’ve got a tough choice to make, but what are we really talking about here? Is he addicted to crack, or does he just wear too much cologne? Is she going down on all your friends, or does she just chew with her mouth open? It’s all a matter of degree.

I doubt you’re being foolish, but it sounds like you might be confusing high expectations for high standards. It’s good to have both, but you need to understand the difference between someone merely letting you down versus someone ultimately not being good enough.

Everyone has limitations and imperfections, and in an intimate relationship, you’re gonna stumble into them from time to time. When your partner drops the ball, just give him some shit and make him pick it back up. Hopefully, he gets better each time. If he doesn’t, and it’s a dealbreaker, then so be it.

Fuck it. This stuff is hard. Real relationships are a bitch sometimes. Whatever you’re dealing with, I hope it works out.

Good luck.

How do I know when I’m ready to have sex for the first time? I know you won’t give me any Seventeen magazine, Disney nonsense, which is why I’m asking specifically you. Let me have it.

Is your decision to become sexually active on your own terms and of your own free will?

Do you recognize and respect the possible consequences, both physical and emotional, of becoming sexually active?

Are you able and willing to practice safe sex every single time?

If you can honestly answer yes to those three questions, you are ready.

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years last November. He hasn’t returned my texts or calls since January.

The bigger story here is that for the last 8 months of our relationship, I was in contact with another guy that I had been with previously. It was pretty serious, to the point that we were physical and said we loved each other and we are now in a relationship. My ex found out about the cheating while we were together. He did ask me about it a couple of times and I flat out lied.

I just want my ex to know that I’m sorry, but he won’t respond to my calls or texts. Should I keep trying or just drop it? Is he punishing me for lying about my old flame? And now I’m also worried the karma from this will catch up to my old flame and I’s new relationship. What should I do?

Ugh. People like you drive me crazy. “I just want my ex to know that I’m sorry.” Bullshit. You want forgiveness. You want absolution. Your motives are selfish.

Your ex isn’t punishing you. You don’t get to be the victim here. You’re the cheater. Hell, you’re the worst kind of cheater. You spent a third of your former relationship engaged in an intimate affair and you lied about it.

Fuck off, already. Just leave your ex alone. This is your guilt to deal with, and if it’s corrosive to your current relationship, tough shit. You earned it.