Advice

On neo-marxist bullshit

Do you believe rent to be fundamentally exploitative? Should we all have to pay for shelter simply for existing?

If I dropped you off in the woods with only an axe and your bloated sense of entitlement, how long before you’d have a roof over your head?

Well then, you useless fucking hippie, aren’t you lucky that you live in a civilized, post-industrial society with property rights and public utilities where you can pay for things like a studio apartment and internet access.

You are not some feudal serf being plundered by the landed gentry. You are a spoiled, self-righteous college freshman who emailed this shit from a coffee shop with free wi-fi and vanilla scones.

Do us all a favor and put down the little red book. It’s not for whiners.

Oh, and shave the goatee. You look ridiculous.

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Advice

On children of the corn.

I live in this shitty rust belt town with a population not very different from my college dorm.  Every few days, I go to town for the essentials like food, water, and vodka.  Unfortunately, it seems like you can’t go to town anymore without some stupid little urchins heckling you or something.

The older ones I don’t mind as much.  Teenagers are insecure little cretins and as bad ass as they think they are, I can pretty quickly break them down.  Plus, since they should know not to harass strangers at 15, I don’t feel guilty for verbally destroying their psyches.

But what I don’t know how to handle are the kids.  The 9 or 10 year olds.  I mean, is it OK to tell some kid on a scooter eating a DumDum to fuck off if he starts yelling shit like “Hey lady, who wears high-heels? Are you a prostitute?”  Can I run them over?  Take the scooter?

I’m just tired of my cigarette runs being marred by little ankle-biter redneck-spawn, and I’d appreciate your take on the etiquette of this situation.

Nine years old, eh? Fucking gremlins. It’s best not to run them over. They just bounce right off, and all you’ve done is scratched up your bumper. However, feel free to scream whatever evil shit is in the darkest part of your soul.

I’d probably have gone with, “Hey kid, a prostitute is a woman who fucks for money. You know, like that skanky whore you call a mother.”

Or perhaps, “Your dad paid for these high heels with your fucking lunch money. Oh wait, do you even have a dad?”

Also, your town sounds horrible. You should move. Seriously. Get the fuck out before your life becomes a shitty Springsteen B-side.

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Advice

On a wandering eye.

My boyfriend will sometimes comment on how attractive other females (celebrities and non-celebrities). It hurts my feelings, especially because I don’t say things like “oh, that dude is sooooo hot” around him. I think it’s rude. What do you think? Dickmove, or should I get over it?

If he keeps doing it despite knowing that it hurts you feelings, then yeah, it’s a dick move. On the other hand, quit letting that shit get to you. The world is full of other people’s hotness. Don’t feel threatened by it. Celebrate it.

The next time he makes a comment, take control of it. Come back with, “Oh yeah, she is sexy. Wouldn’t you love to see me make out with her?” Insert yourself into the fantasy. Saddle up and ride that shit. Your sexual will is infinitely more powerful than his. Don’t be afraid to let it push him around a bit.

I dunno. Maybe that’s too much for you. At the very least, own the moment by not giving a fuck.

Oh, and feel free to let your boyfriend see you drooling over the occasional dude. Trust me, it’s good for him.

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Best-Of Advice

On an afterlife

Would you believe in the idea of an afterlife, or a greater meaning, if it was concurrent with everyone losing their individuality with death?

Would that fit in with your worldview?  So in a sense there would be “nothing” in the great beyond, because in dying we’d lose our individuality and our entire sense of being.

Your advice is so constructive and empathetic, much more so than almost every religious person I’ve encountered, so I’m wondering if you’d be down with the idea of an afterlife if it was the more Eastern take – we get united with a greater whole, instead of our cute little souls going up to high-five Baby Jesus.

You’ve rejected the angry gods. You’ve rolled your eyes at the silly myths. You’ve said no thank you to the bizarre rituals. Good for you. You’re off to an excellent start, but you have to be brave enough to go all the way.

I understand why it makes you feel better to believe in some nebulous metaphysical afterlife, but at the end of the day, if you’re claiming to have revealed knowledge about a consciousness beyond death, you’re still just making shit up.

Nobody knows what happens after death. Odds are, not a fucking thing. It’s probably just a vast sea of nothingness stretching out to an eternity that we were never meant to comprehend in the first place.

I know. It’s scary. You’re born pink and helpless into an infinite universe. You experience a narrow, self-centered consciousness still very much tethered to its lowly reptilian origins. If you’re lucky, the grey meat behind your eyes keeps warm long enough for you to experience about forty million minutes of self-awareness. That’s it. That’s all.

When the blood stops flowing to your skull, your consciousness will simply cease to exist. Don’t worry. You won’t feel a thing.

Seriously, though. Stop being so afraid of it. Let go of your fear. Not to belittle the impending abyss, but it’s really no big deal.

The vast sea of nothingness after your death is no different than the vast sea of nothingness before your birth, and yet you’re not the least bit terrified of what happens before you are born. Why, then, are you so terrified of what happens after you die?

It’s only because you have a limited perception of the arrow of time and an ego that relentlessly insists upon itself. Otherwise, your psyche wouldn’t demand some ridiculous sequel to its existence.

Quit letting your mind play tricks on you. Speculation about an afterlife is intellectually and spiritually dishonest, even with the best of intentions.

Take a deep breath and look around. This is it, kids.

Enjoy it, because one day it’s gonna end.

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Advice

On revolution.

I’d love to get rapped up in some great revolutionary movement. Believe completely, take to the streets, kill nay-sayers, with the knowledge that it’s all for the best. But nothing has caught my fancy yet. Any suggestions?

Move to Iran.

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Advice

On call girl gossip.

Recently, my friends have been gossiping about the possibility a friend-of-a-friend is a call-girl. I’ve only met the girl twice and we never even see her or the friend of her’s we know, but the gossip really bothered me. I don’t really care if she is or isn’t, but it seems that if its not true it could really hurt someone’s feelings and if its true it reeks of slut-shaming. It just seems reckless to risk someone else’s feelings/reputation for a couple of snarky giggles. When I confronted one of my friends, she was kind of dismissive. How do I try to get these people to understand this is a subject best left untouched? Or am I making too big a deal out of it? Also, would it be wrong to try to setup a “date” with her if it turns out to be true?

Wow. You don’t want your friends gossiping about this girl, but you want to know if it’s okay to proposition her? Classy, dude.

Here’s what’s up. When bitches whisper this kind of shit talk, it’s usually because the girl in question is hotter than they are, drives a nicer car than they do, and has at some point been seen with an older man in public.

I know it seems ridiculous, but that’s really all it takes to start rumors. They weren’t gossiping about a fact, after all. They were gossiping about a possibility, and the kind of girls who do that wouldn’t have the slightest fucking clue how to spot the professional in the room.

Odds are, she’s not a call girl. Even if she is, please respect her social boundaries by never offering to pay her for sex.

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Advice

On truth.

People say I’m a bitch, but I didn’t know that speaking the truth meant bitch. People say that in order to meet guys, I need to be a nicer person; meaning fake, no one is really “nice”. Do I really want a guy that can’t handle the truth?

There’s a huge difference between a strong woman who speaks the truth and a self-righteous cunt who hurts other people with her unsolicited opinion.

There’s also a huge difference between a guy handling the truth and one merely putting up with your shit because you’re pretty.

If everyone around you thinks you’re a bitch, take the hint. You don’t have to be a nice person, but you do have to be a good person.

This isn’t about being fake. It’s about having some fucking compassion.

How’s that for truth?

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Advice

On secret affairs

Here’s my dilem. I’m having a secret affair with this guy. This certain guy has hooked up with my best friend a few months ago. He confessed to me that he actually likes me and could see us being more than fuck buddies. My best friend still isn’t over him even though they never actually dated (she gave him a bj and he was high and barely remembers it). I like him so much and really do want to be with him. But my best friend would be crushed if I dated him.

So, do I put my happiness in front of hers? or go the chicks before dicks route?

A secret affair? Don’t be so dramatic. This isn’t about love. Nobody’s married. You’re just sneaking some dick behind your best friend’s back after she tried calling dibs on it.

The whole thing is just a half-assed love triangle, the heightened circumstances of which are fooling you into thinking that this guy is more than a fuck buddy.

Don’t kid yourself. It’s a summer fling, one that’s going to ruin your relationship with your best friend when she finds out.

Yes. She will find out. It’s inevitable, and unless you’re the one who steps up and tells her what’s going on, she’ll never be able to trust you again.

This isn’t about your happiness. It’s about your integrity. Seriously, is your summertime fuck buddy worth your best friend’s trust?

Didn’t think so.

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Advice

On sookie.

Among my group of friends, we have “Tara,” who is secretly fucking our other friend, “Bill.” Bill has a pregnant girlfriend, “Sookie.” Bill, Sookie, and Tara regularly socialize together with our other friends, and I feel terrible for Sookie, who is completely oblivious. I’m pretty shocked Tara would do something like this. Especially disturbing is the relationship Tara puts effort into cultivating with Sookie. I’m surprised I care, but I’m having a hard time overlooking it now that it’s gone on for so long. Should I confront Tara about it, or just avoid everyone? I don’t even want to deal with Bill.

Stay out of it.

Also, stop watching “True Blood.” It is a horrible show. Gay redneck vampires? Ugh. It’s Anne Rice meets Jerry Springer in a bad southern accent.

Might I suggest “Mad Men” instead?

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Advice

On what’s inappropriate.

I have an ex-wife. We get along all right. I see her once every few months and we have lunch and talk about our work and families and so on.

I have a girlfriend. The girlfriend (who is otherwise not even remotely neurotic or whiny) seems to think that my amicable relationship with my ex-wife is inappropriate.

What do you think?

Inappropriate. I hate that word.

It’s used by persnickety little bitches who are inevitably trying to cover up some negative emotional response they won’t otherwise admit to having.

Go ahead. Make her confess to it. It’s as simple as asking your girlfriend, “How does my amicable relationship with my ex-wife make you feel?”

If she’s emotionally honest, she’ll admit to being either jealous, embarrassed, resentful, or ashamed. That gut-level response is the real problem.

Maybe you can fix that shit, and maybe you can’t, but once the underlying negativity is addressed, you’d be amazed at what’s suddenly appropriate.

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