Advice

On foreign exchange stoners.

i’m an underachieving foreign student in your land.

my experiences in what i refer to as my highly selective spoiled nursery have included amongst other things the anticipated dissolution of a long high-school relationship, the usual case of post-teenage depression, jewish counselors and anti-depressants, frighteningly rapid yet steady weight gain, an inability to get out of bed without the help of marijuana, frequent use of said herb and other recreational pharmaceuticals and being on various kinds of residential and academic probations because of my blatant disregard for “fire safety” and film paper deadlines.

i’m self-aware enough to know that i am smart or i wouldn’t be here given the lack of substantive, meaningful academic work that i’ve done. all the people around me are rich hipsters in skinny jeans and scarves who sell carribean art, walk for cancer and make obscure pop culture references when they are not triple majoring in women’s studies, drama and religion and writing their thesis about cuban tobacco farmers. i on the other hand smoke a congratulatory spliff when i get out of my pajamas.

i’ve been kicked out of college before and had to take myself seriously before they let me back in. i know i want to be here because despite my problems with american foreign policy and the ridiculous TV commercials, i like apple pie, your serving sizes and being the popular, interesting, international kid.

i need to not drop out of college again and somehow break this self-perpetuating, self-destructive cycle. but i find it hard to strive for or even imagine a college-educated future with a job and an apartment and a car when there are drugs right here, right now. what do you say?

Just because you’re bored and have an accent doesn’t mean you’re suffering from ennui. You’re just a pretentious lazy fuck who likes to get high.

In the real world, no one cares if you “find it hard to strive” for anything. Either suck it up and pull your weight or watch the quality of your lifestyle disintegrate.

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Advice

On getting snooped.

Ok, coke talk, here goes. I was dating a guy over the summer and I ended up taking some adult pictures that I sent to him. My face wasn’t in them, but they were pretty racy. Most of them were cheap cell phone shots, but a few were still kicking around my sent emails folder.I don’t regret it, I have great tits and am ok with showing people I trust. But the situation took a weird turn the other night.I am very close and hang out constantly with my best friend and her live in boyfriend of five years. In the past few months, the boyfriend and I have become very good friends independant of my best friend and he was someone I trusted and genuinely cared about. The other night I was at their place watching tv and I signed into my gmail on my bffs computer. At some point, I handed the boyfriend her computer to show him something and I never took it back or signed out of my gmail. I left about a half an hour later and on my way home, my blackberry started blowing up. Everytime I send a gmail from my account, a copy gets sent to my blackberry. I soon realized that the boyfriend had been trolling through my emails and sending himself the naked pictures of me. Now he would have really had to dug to find these so its not like they were on top of my inbox. I was incensed and immediately sent him a text relaying to him how fucked up this was and since then he has sent me half a dozen apology texts. I don’t know what to do. I’m so creeped out by it. I’m not worried about him showing other people, I’m worried about him jacking off to pictures of his girlfriends friend. He said he was drunk, but he wasn’t that drunk. I know I know, I shouldn’t have taken naked pics in the first place, but that’s kind of not the issue. I need to know how to handle this guy. Should I tell my friend (she cheats on him pretty regularly, but I think if she saw how much this upset me, she might break up with him) what do I do?!

He’s dead wrong for violating your trust, and he’s a fucking moron for getting busted and putting you in this awkward position. Still, it’s not a capital offense. If we’re being honest here, everybody snoops a little.

This is one of those situations that is as big a deal as you want to make it.

If you’re a whacked-out drama queen that thrives on chaos, you can scream bloody murder and pit your best friend against her boyfriend just to see how much shit you can stir up.

If you’re the manipulative type who enjoys secret evil plans, you can play your cards so that the boyfriend is forever under your thumb because you have evidence of a sexualized trust violation.

If you’re super easy-going and prefer to laugh things off, you can poke a little fun at him for jerking it to your naked pics as you accept his apology and forget it ever happened.

It’s your karma. How do you want to play it?

If I were you, I’d probably opt for being super easy-going with a little manipulation thrown in for safe keeping. No good will come from telling your friend while they’re still together. Wait until after she breaks up with him.

As for the creepiness factor, you really have to just laugh it off. After all, he’s fantasized about fucking you for years. It’s just what guys do. I guarantee you’re one of the girls he pictures in his head while fucking your best friend.

Those images have already been deposited into his spank bank. Not much you can do about that except learn your lesson about protecting your naughty pics.

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Advice

On oxytocin.

I’m 18. I have had many experiences where I could have lost my virginity, but I haven’t yet because I am absolutely terrified of becoming emotionally attached to the guy. I don’t want this “connection” everyone talks about. I just want to get fucked. How can I lose my virginity without this happening?

Oh my god, who is filling your head with this ridiculous bullshit? I promise, his penis will not ejaculate a magical love potion. You will not suddenly become emotionally attached. It doesn’t work like that.

The “connection” that everyone is talking about probably refers to the neurophysiological response during orgasm that involves the hormone oxytocin.

Some call it the cuddle chemical, and theoretically it plays a role in pair bonding. Oxytocin may be responsible for giving you the warm and fuzzies after you cum, but don’t worry. It’s not going to make you fall in love, especially if you just want to get laid.

You’ve got absolutely nothing to worry about.

Happy fucking!

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Advice

On it not being a big deal.

I’m 21 years old and I haven’t had sex since my high school prom. If you want to skip the mental math that’s over 3 years. I’ve only ever slept with one person and I’ve just never been very confident sexually. Despite being pretty cute and having plenty of opportunities to get laid, I’ve never followed through. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex, it’s just got to a point where I feel like it’s been so long that I don’t even know how to get out there and do it. I’m 21 and it’s just sort of expected that I know what I’m doing, and I don’t. Being sooo inexperienced is keeping me from getting what I want. What do I do?

You’re overthinking it. Relax. Take a xanax. Make him put on a condom, and then insert tab A into slot B. As long as it feels good, you’re doing it right. It’s really not all that complicated.

Take solace in the fact that almost nobody knows what they’re doing at twenty-one. They all act like they do, but everyone outside of the porn industry is still pretty much a beginner.

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Advice

On magic words.

So I was watching TV this afternoon, and this show had a segment on dating. Apparently saying just three words can get you any guy. “Your so hot”. They did a social experiemnt and everything, and it seemed quite convincing. What do you think?

It was a dating segment on the Tyra Show, not a clinical trial in behavioral psychology. Please stop letting daytime television convince you of things.

There are no magic words. We laugh at guys all the time for using cheesy pick-up lines. Why would you think it’s a good idea for us to start?

The phrase “you’re so hot” might focus the message for a particularly oblivious douchebag, but you should be able to communicate your interest with body language alone. You don’t even have to speak English if you know how to widen your eyes and bite your lip at just the right moment.

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Advice

On staying dumped.

So I was in a relationship for about a year. I had stuck by his side through his depression, with him cheating twice while we were together and then putting up with his drug abuse. I even lost my virginity to this guy. After it all, he broke up with me because I was too negative and what not but for the 5 months we’ve been apart, he’s told me he still loves me and that he misses me but those are once in a blue moon comments from him. He ignores me one minute then the next he’s confessing his love. I promised him I wouldn’t leave him and that I’ll always be here for him unlike any other person in his life but I just don’t know anymore. What should I do, just give up on him or hold on?

Hold on to him? Holy fucking Twilight novel, are you retarded? Get rid of him — immediately and permanently.

You’re not giving up on him or breaking some sacred promise or any other melodramatic bullshit. He’s a depressed, drug-addicted cheater who just wants to fuck you a few more times, and you’re a moron for sticking around.

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Best-Of Advice

On blow jobs

Is it ever acceptable to use the phrase “you’re too big” or is it just a shitty excuse for a job poorly done? I consider myself to be at least halfway sexually adept but I’m no porn star. How can I still maximize his pleasure without getting my throat fucked raw multiple times a week?

Once upon a time, a blow job was a rare and special gift reserved for birthdays and anniversaries, and if on such a momentous occasion you were capable of suppressing your gag reflex to swallow his cock for even the briefest of seconds, he would crown you a deep-throat queen and throw diamonds at your feet.

Those days are gone forever. I blame the internet.

Our men have been raised on a steady diet of cheap and readily available gonzo porn with an ever hardening core. It’s not enough to start out with an oral sex scene anymore. Now every run-of-the-mill porn starlet has in her repertoire the ability to unhinge her jaw for a throat fucking so violent she ends up shooting vomit out of her nose.

Expectations have been raised. Standards have been lowered. Having one’s face aggressively cock pounded for twenty asphyxiating minutes is now just an average blow job.

I respect that you want to maximize his pleasure, but perhaps it’s time to change the game.

I suggest you move to a wet two-handed technique where you work the shaft like a traditional lubricated hand job. You only keep the head of his cock in your mouth, which allows you easier breathing and much better use of your tongue.

The trick here is plenty of lube (and/or spit) on your palms so that your hands become an extension of your mouth. As with all good blowjob advice, don’t forget to tickle his balls.

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Advice

On white trash.

I have my girlfriend, we’ve being in this relationship for almost 6 years! My mom’s a shrink and she was her former patient. I started banging her when she was about 2 months pregnant .

She now has an adorable 5 year old kid and she is 21 years old. The thing is that I’ve cheated on her so many times with so many women I stopped counting after 10 women. STDs isn’t a problem because I’ve always protected myself and do check-ups every 6 months and always have come out clean… I get along very well with her son and he sees me as his father and I adore the kid. The thing is that I only feel attached to her because of her son because she’s kind of boring and likes to mother me around.

She gets pissed at me if I drink or say bad words like “fuck”. She hates the idea that I’m an atheist. She doesn’t like to go to a disco or something and feels uncomfortable around my friends because they like to have a few beers and/or say bad words. I got a tattoo and hell broke loose because I had a tattoo done. I have a car and a motorcycle and gets pissed when I ride my motorcycle and stuff like that. In other words she’s kinda conservative and I’m not. I don’t know what to do because if I break-up with her I know that she won’t let me see her son (which I adore) because she has implied it before. What can I do? I want to break-up with her but still see her son.

Gee, you swept a pregnant teenager off her bare feet and didn’t live happily ever after? Shocking. Who would’ve guessed you’d end up fighting over tattoos, motorcycles and bastard children?

It’s obvious that you neither love nor respect her, so just fucking end it already. Don’t let yourself be manipulated. If she uses the kid as a bargaining chip, call her out on it.

Regardless of what she says, when she discovers how difficult it is to find positive male role models as a nagging single mother, she’ll most likely let you back into the kid’s life.

Then again, you kind of sound like a dick, so maybe she won’t. Either way, the kid isn’t your problem, and it’s probably best that you’re not his sole example of how a man treats a woman.

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Advice

On falling out of love

I was considering asking you a question such as the one on “unrequited love,” but since that’s been done I’m going to ask something that stems off of that: how does one in this situation fall OUT of love?

I am in the same situation (in love with a boy for years, blah blah blah) and although I have hooked up with others and tried going into actual relationships in hopes of forgetting him (or in hopes of falling out of love, take your pick) nothing seems to work.

I dont mean to come off as whiny; I consider myself a straightforward, smart, independent girl, but I think it’s sick that all my best character traits seem to disappear behind this love which he doesn’t seem to correspond.

I want with all my heart for this to stop. I need help.

Yeah, they don’t make pills for this.

It’s like all the questions I get from girls asking how to lose weight when we all know damn well that diet and exercise are the only things that work.

When it comes to falling out of love, time and distance are the only things that work. It’s just another one of those shitty things in life that’s incredibly hard to do.

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