I’ve been fucking this guy who’s a lot older than me. He’s a great fuck buddy and all (he was my first casual sex experience) but there’s also this guy I’ve been long-term flirting with and have real feelings for and am about to start an actual relationship with. So what’s the best way to say goodbye to my fuck buddy? I don’t want it to have to end like “Hey babe, why don’t you come over tonight?” “Oh sorry, I have a boyfriend now.” I just feel like that’s a little too crass.

I’m so going to miss the way he fucks though, ugh.

Tell him just like that. Say, “I’m going to miss the way you fuck.”

Don’t wait for a booty call. Give him a ring and invite him to lunch. That’ll probably be unusual enough for him to ask why, and you can either choose to tell him over the phone or wait and do it in person.

Either way, he’ll understand. He’s older. He’s a fuck buddy. He knew it was inevitable that you’d move on. He’ll act happy and be respectful.

After all, he’ll want to be at the top of your rebound list when you break up with the new boy.

Ok, so I have this Friend, who is 20 years older than me, and I’ve known him for a year, and we’ve always been cool. He has not once made a move on me or said anything to make me feel uncomfortable. I like hanging out with him because we laugh A LOT together.

Friday (3 days ago) we went out, to a bar and then a club, and drank and danced and i had an amazing night. There was no dirty dancing or flirting, just shameless jumping around to 80s metal. Anyway, we got back to my house at 5, I had set everything up for him to sleep in the livingroom, I said goodnight, went to my room and closed the door.

I mustve passed out because I don’t remember getting changed or anything, but I woke up because I felt him get into my bed. And then I know he was touching me. I moved his hand when it was crawling up under my shirt and two seconds later I could feel it on my hips and ass. I was too whaked out to really do anything about it tho.

And just let me quickly say that technically, I know i shouldn’t have drank so much, but that doesnt make it OK, he was meant to be my friend.

Since, I’ve tried to avoid him, but he keeps sending me messages and calls me, and he keps just ‘being around’ my area…he live almost an hour away from here!

Anyway, I haven’t been able to sleep and was cryign into my cereal at 3am on a saturday night and I’m really worried that everything’s falling apart again because I tend to get depressed everynow and then and it usually starts with not being able to sleep and I don’t dare to go to the doctors for any help because a) the last pills they gave me made me have really bad nosebleeds and b)they’ll ask why im depressed again. And i dont want to tell anyone.

Oh and I dont dare to sleep in my own bed either. I’ve been sleeping in my parents bed the oast few days, since that thing happened. It’s not that weird tho because they live in another country and they only sleep there when they visit.

but yeah…i dont know what to do. I’m terrified of getting sad again.

Um, yeah. I ran out of red flags while reading your letter.

You need to seek professional psychiatric help immediately, preferably from a new doctor whom you do not refer to as “they.”

Choose a new therapist who specializes in childhood trauma and can offer you some trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy.

You know damn well why I’m suggesting you to do this, and as much as it terrifies you, it is simply time for you to deal with it.

I am completely serious here.

This is bigger than the incident with your “Friend” (oh my god, you actually capitalized it), and if you don’t seek professional treatment I guarantee this will be a pattern of behavior that repeats itself for the rest of your life.

I used to be a secure, happy, not to mention flirty girl. Over the summer, I met the perfect guy who was crazy for me; I screwed things up, he moved on (literally, he packed up and went to a school two hours away) and hasn’t talked to me since. I think I love him. Missing him has been affecting my life is terrible ways, I tried dating others and it doesn’t work. What the hell do I do?

Oh, please. You were just love stoned all summer, and now you’re going through withdrawals.

He wasn’t the perfect guy. There’s no such thing, princess. You were drunk on a heady cocktail of great chemistry and perfect timing. Three sweaty months of summer is just long enough for you to think you are in love, but it’s an artificial high.

For fuck’s sake, they’ve got a name for it. It’s actually called “summer love.” Didn’t you ever see Grease?

If you want to get over him quickly, drive up to his school without telling him. Surprise him. Don’t expect it to go well, though. I promise, it will be an awkward disaster.

The chemistry will be gone. The timing will be off. You will embarrass yourself.

It sounds harsh, but this relationship is a little snow globe filled with glitter in your head, and you need a brutal reality check to come along and shatter it.

I know they’re probably not all that good for you, but please tell me you know of a decent cleanse? I don’t care if I lose weight, I just feel bloated and gross and I don’t trust cleanse websites to not lie about results and what to expect. I’ve never done one before and I don’t want to feel shitty for a week. I just want to feel like my body isn’t clogged with poop and toxins.

The BluePrint Cleanse was popular for a hot minute, but that’s only convenient if you’re a New Yorker willing to blow seventy-five bucks a day on what are essentially Jamba Juice boosts.

There’s an argument to be made that spending all that coin on a designer cleanse will at least provide you the extra willpower to see it through to the end.

A bullshit-free approach would be to go to any drug store or GNC and pick up whatever 48 Hour Detox product they have on sale for $14.99. I guarantee you’ll get the same results while saving enough cash for a fucking spa day.

If you want instant gratification and are willing to go hardcore, I highly recommend you let a pro roto-rooter your pooper.

Go get a colonic. No joke. Those things work, and those crazy bitches love to tell you how to rid your body of toxins.

I feel like there’s a few things I could be asking you, but let’s not get into a whole life story here. I don’t know, I’m like, well into being too old for this shit, but I don’t really know what I even want. I’m pretty terrified of dating, fucking, generally anything out of what I know. Last year I decided I was asexual, except now I think that’s probably just me looking for the easy way out. I just turned legal, so my first bar trip was amazing in that I introduced myself to this kid (post-downing a couple glasses of liquid confidence) I sort of met once before and we ended up dancing like mad and having a goodbye make-out sesh, which may have been the first time I kissed anyone and was legit excited about that fact? I don’t know. Every time someone’s interested in me I’ve usually been into them for a while before that, but as soon as I realize it’s reciprocated I get fucking freaked and back out. I’ve had a crush on another guy for a while, but my friend (who I’ve never told that about) was like “hey, you know, you should go for that kid…” I was like shit, this cannot happen, and now I’m terrified she’s going to try to hook us up. I’ve been fine for yearsss on my own, thinking I’m immune to the insanity that everyone else obsesssses over, but after the bar incident I can barely concentrate on anything else. Help, what the fuck?!

No one is immune to the insanity. Sex is the cornerstone of the human condition.

If you’ve got physical or emotional intimacy issues that are crippling your romantic relationships, maybe you should talk to a shrink. Then again, maybe all you need is a self help book and some good porn.

Either way, now that you’ve realized you’re not neutered, it’s time for you to face your fears and put those genitals to use.

Good luck!