Advice

On controlling your emotions

More about this, please:

“If you understand the cognitive/emotional process and have some control over your emotions (easier said than done), then with a little self-discipline, you can effectively end inconvenient crushes on your own schedule.”

 

Emotions are primal — eat, fuck, fight, flight — it’s the stuff of your reptilian brain, below even the human capacity for language. Feelings are emotions that have come into your awareness. You can give them a name — hunger, lust, anger, fear. Feelings are a product of emotion, but they are not the same thing. Thoughts are where the ego kicks in. They are how your conscious mind processes all those feelings and spits out everything from where you want to go for lunch to how to plan the perfect murder and all the sticky stuff in between.

So, if you want to have some control over your emotions, particularly where a crush is concerned, the trick is knowing that lust or jealousy or infatuation aren’t what you’re trying to control. What you’re really trying to control is the primal urge to fuck or fight or bond. That’s why I say it’s easier said than done, because you can’t come at it with a thinking mind. You have to come at it with an unthinking mind.

I know this is starting to get esoteric, but what I mean by unthinking mind is essentially you have to learn how to use conscious methods of manipulating your autonomic nervous system. It’s where mental meets visceral, and it’s fucking hard to do. Breathing exercises. Meditation. Conscious deescalation of arousal states. They’re all blunt tools that can sometimes get the job done, but that’s the level of control I’m talking about.

It’s a process, one that requires practice, but here’s what can happen. If you can consciously deescalate an arousal state in the presence of your crush, then the lust goes away. If you use breathing exercises to interfere with the fight-or-flight response in the presence of your crush, then the jealousy and all those butterflies in your stomach will disappear.

With a little self-discipline, you can control your emotions, and your feelings will change in kind. You’ll have different feelings to be sure, but you’ll also suddenly find yourself thinking different thoughts as well. You might even find more room for thoughts unattached to any particular feeling at all, and the next thing you know, you don’t have a crush anymore.

That’s how you accelerate the end of an inconvenient crush. (Or for that matter, control road rage, tolerate extended meals with family members, or deal with authority in all its various forms.)

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Advice

On how crushes begin and end

I had just the most outrageous crush on someone at work for like a year. Then, I woke up one morning, and it was just gone. I was over it, like that, and it stayed that way. How does that happen??

 

It ends the same way it begins, with a little neurochemistry and timing. Also, cognitively speaking, a crush starts out as raw emotion, then becomes a set of feelings, which then develop into thoughts. If those thoughts don’t develop into actions, eventually the underlying emotion fades, and once you’re done thinking about it, the crush is over. You wake up one morning and the feelings are gone.

On a side note, if you understand the cognitive/emotional process and have some control over your emotions (easier said than done), then with a little self-discipline, you can effectively end inconvenient crushes on your own schedule.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

There are days I think I’ll have been a success if I get off this planet without killing anyone. I don’t know what my question is. I don’t know what I want you to say. I just needed to get that out.
Your standards are a bit low. As for your question, what you’re really asking is, “Why am I filled with so much anger?” I don’t know the specific answer in your case, but I can say for sure that you’ll have been a success if you get off this planet having come to terms with the source of that anger.

Married. Children. Crush/in love with someone else that I can never be with. More depressed than I’ve ever been. Losing my mind. Selfishly sending you this because you have to read it and I cant tell anyone else. I don’t have a question. Sorry.
You desperately need a therapist, preferably the type who specializes in relationships, like an MFT, or a couples counselor who also takes on individual clients. Go do that for yourself. I know you think you’re a piece of shit, but you’re not. You need someone to talk to, and you really do deserve some help.

I’m in my last quarter of college and single for the first time in my adult life. Currently weighing two dudes and want your recommendation for this life stage: seriously hot asshole with a big dick or stellar personality guy with a small one?
Both. I’m totally serious. Not only can you date both. You should date both, especially if this is your last quarter of college. Don’t try and boyfriend-up a few months before graduation. That’s a recipe for bad decisions.

Can people go through completely life-altering events like the death of a loved one and still be materialistic or superficial? Can people reach enlightenment without facing a metaphorical or physical death?
First question: very easily, yes. Second question: no, because enlightenment is itself a certain kind of death.

What are your thoughts on how the presidential race is shaping up? And do you think Cruz or Trump is scarier?
Cruz is much, much scarier. I would honestly rather have Trump as president, if but for no other reason than (and I know this sounds crazy) his Supreme Court nominees wouldn’t be bible-banging wingnut conservatives.

What was the first album you bought?
Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos. I remember being so excited that I showed it to my piano teacher. I wanted to learn how to play some of the songs, but he scolded me for listening to music that was too adult for my ears. I stopped taking piano lessons shortly thereafter.

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Advice

On the great secret war

Please fucking help. Watching Sarah Palin endorse Trump is like tripping balls on acid and looking into a refrigerator of insanity and not being able to decide what fire to eat. I need John Stewart back sooooo fucking badly. But I know you can say something to chase this away. It’s a lucid recognition of completely explosive fuckery strapped to a psychotic bomb. Please make it stop!! Please fucking pleeease!

 

Don’t fight the hallucinations. Watch them not with fear, but with joy, for this election cycle is evidence that the illuminati are finally winning the great secret war against the lizard people. The mind control is weakening. Soon, we will all be awakened to the world of the real, and you won’t need to borrow a pair of Roddy Piper’s sunglasses to see it.

Prepare yourselves. Keep your wits about you. Pray that Jay-Z and Beyoncé are able to keep Blue Ivy safe long enough to fulfill the prophecy, and know that Jon Stewart is not gone, for the Jew from the East shall rise again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his syndication shall have no end.

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Advice

On rewriting

How many times have you re-written material for a book? I’m beginning my second draft and reading back parts of the first – it sounds so shitty, it’s making me want to give up.

 

First drafts are garbage. You should literally throw them away and start from scratch. Second drafts are shit. No one should see them. Third drafts are bad, but you can start showing them to people you trust for critique. Fourth drafts you can send to agents, publishers, and other professionals. Fifth drafts are starting to get good, especially if you’re working with an editor, but they can always get better… you see where I’m going with this.

Writing is rewriting. It never ends, and you can’t give up. You just have to keep hacking away at it. Also, realizing that your first draft is shitty isn’t a bad thing. It’s a gift. It means you know what needs changing, and it means you’re a real writer, because only an amateur thinks the first draft is any good.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Do you have an opinion about transcendental meditation?
If meditation is like spiritual exercise, then transcendental meditation is like spiritual Crossfit. It’s basically the same thing, but it costs a lot more, it’s slightly cultish, and people who do it talk about it constantly.

Why don’t my romantic partners fall in love with me?
Because you need them to.

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t consider dating my boyfriend of four years if I found him online. Does that speak more to my relationship or to online dating?
It speaks to your complacency after four years.

Should I date the man who I know would love and support me no matter what? Or the one that makes me want to be a better version of myself?
It depends on what your current needs are. If you don’t know what you need, here’s a thought exercise: Imagine the person you want to be in five years. Which of these two men would that person rather have as an ex?

We all know life goes faster as you get older, but I keep having brief periods of mild depression or anxiety where time seems to speed up for a little while and then slow down again. Additionally, my perception of future events becomes warped, so “five years from now” suddenly feels like “two years from now”. What’s up with that?
Yeah, that’s a thing that happens. Time perception is a subjective experience that can absolutely shift based on emotional states such as depression or anxiety. It’s fascinating stuff, actually. If you want to play with it a bit, try meditation. That’s your quickest route to having some kind of control over it.

Is your Twitter photo of you? I now have a new image of you in my head.
It’s not me. For those of you who missed it before, my new avatar is Amal Clooney. (It was time to move on from 2007 era Britney.)

So can a “former crush” ever become an active crush for you again if the time is right, or is it gone forever?
My former crush and I are going to be working closely together for at least the next eighteen months, so who the fuck knows? I promise to keep you updated on any juicy complications.

I’m sure you get this one all the time, but if you put Dear Coquette between hard covers I would buy the shit out of it many times over. You’re the best.
Stay tuned.

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Thoughts

On the extraordinary

If most people are destined for mediocrity, what makes a person extraordinary to you?

 

Mediocrity is meaningless, and knowing a person is all it takes to make them extraordinary to me.

There are 7,000,000,000 human beings alive on this planet right now. Another 100,000,000,000 have already lived their lives and died. Every last one us is a staggering 1 in 107,000,000,000, which makes every single person I get the opportunity to know absolutely and utterly extraordinary.

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

What’s the difference between a relationship ending and a relationship failing?
A relationship can fail without ending just as easily as it can end without failing. The two often coincide, but they are not at all the same thing.

So what happens to your “spirit” or “conscience” when you die?
I’m not sure what you mean by spirit, but if you’re implying some kind of ontological dualism, I’m afraid there’s no evidence for either a dualistic spirit or anything other than total annihilation of consciousness after death.

I met someone amazing one week after breaking up with my girlfriend. We were immediately smitten. We respected each other, had a very strong connection, lots in common. It felt like love at first sight, but she was scared it was a rebound. And that’s why she broke it off. But what if it wasn’t a rebound?
It was a rebound. (Lemme clue you in to what really happened: she broke it off because you kept talking about your ex.)

I’m going back to school after being out for 10 years. Gimme some good advice.
Enjoy yourself. Soak it up. Keep your point of aim on what you’ll be doing a year after graduation, and get used to reading on an iPad, because they don’t use books anymore.

Are some of us just destined for mediocrity?
Most of us. That’s what makes it mediocrity.

What are daddy issues?
Maladaptive patterns of behavior transmitted or acquired though a dysfunctional paternal relationship.

Why do you think it’s ok to intentionally hurt someone you’re in a relationship with?
Give me a break. (Who hurt you?)

Has anyone you recognize from your real life ever written to you?
Yes. Years ago, I caught my best friend asking about a boob job.

Favourite David Bowie song?
Heroes.

What happened with the crush?!
As I’ve said before, my crush is still in love with someone else. I was fully aware of that going in, but my crush wasn’t. Interestingly, we were both in denial. (And we can start saying former crush now. It was a holiday affair. I got laid. I got hurt. I got over it.)

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Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

How do I gain the strength to not let the suffering of others affect my happiness? I’m not saying I want to forget that people suffer, but how can I come to terms with having food and a place to live and chances to succeed when there are people out there who unfairly do not have these things or who live a hellish life.
Live your life, but do what you can to alleviate suffering. Volunteer. Donate to charity. Give back. Actually do something.

I’ve always been fairly liberal, but lately I feel like more of my beliefs fall under the umbrella of libertarianism. Is there any way to go about being a libertarian without being a cock about it?
Nope.

Why date your best friend only once??????????? I ask because I have dreams about telling him that I’m not over it, even though he’s just started seeing someone else.
Ladies and gentlemen, this looming disaster right here is why you only get one shot at dating your best friend.

I’m trapped in bed. I subconsciously engineered this weekend so there would be no reason to get up. Fortunately I don’t think holding my breath and hoping to die counts as a suicide attempt.
No, you consciously trapped yourself in bed. Subconsciously, you’re keeping a painful reality from your awareness. It’s called denial, and it won’t work. Get out of bed right now, go take a shower, and you’ll suddenly understand what I’m talking about.

You talk about having sex with women, finding them attractive, enjoying passionate connections with them in threesome situations etc, but have you ever been in a romantic relationship with a woman?
Yes. She broke my heart before I could break hers. I still miss her.

Do you stick with the kind, funny but absolutely vanilla guy who adores you and so refuses to have an open relationship, or do you call it quits and take a risk dating the older, hot, kinky guy?
Third option. It’s not up to vanilla guy whether your relationship is open. Be honest about your needs, and tell him you’re gonna have a quick fling with older hot kinky guy. Maybe vanilla guy sticks around. Maybe he doesn’t. Either way, it becomes his decision rather than his ultimatum.

People who believe in heaven: why are they sad when anyone dies?
Because death is real and heaven isn’t.

talk to me about first loves. am I naive to think that this could be my only love? is every first meaningful connection destined to fail? I can’t imagine ever feeling this way about anyone else in the future. our relationship isn’t easy or simple, but we are loyal and respectful, and want the same things in life and love. are we wrong to think that it can last forever?
You’re not naive to think this could be your only love. You’re naive to think it’s never going to change. It won’t always feel like this. Enjoy being in love, but know that nothing lasts forever, and just because a relationship ends, that doesn’t mean it failed.

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