My boss increasingly treats me like a personal assistant, which has become a vicious cycle because it decreases the time I have available to devote to assignments that would better demonstrate my non-administrative abilities, and I believe that no matter what the task, you should do it well. For this and other organizational reasons I have determined that the best course of action is for me to find a new job, but I would like to avoid repeating this scenario in the future. What’s the best way to prevent a manager from viewing you as an entry-level employee? Given my degrees and skill set (I’m an economist), I often think I am hindered by my gender (I’m busty and short), ethnicity (Latina), and youthful face (I’m 33). I understand that sometimes everyone has grunt work to do; my problem is that it seems like my caliber of assignments continues to deteriorate despite getting significant raises and other praise indicative that I am valued, so it can’t be that I suck and they can’t trust me with anything more advanced. I don’t want this to happen again: to feel grumpy at being asked to print documents or compile minutes when more junior male colleagues are not assigned these tasks; I want that it instead be recognized that wasting an economist’s time on these assignments is just bad business.

It’s fine to start looking for another job, but I feel like you’re missing an opportunity here. You’re in a stronger position than you think you are, especially since you’re willing to move on to another job anyway. Trust me, you have very little to lose by flexing a little muscle here.

The first step is to put all this into a formal letter.

Write to your boss directly and let him know what needs to change. Cite specific examples of how you are treated differently than your colleagues. Make reference to the fact that this is a pattern of discriminatory behavior based on your gender and ethnicity where you are repeatedly and consistently assigned assistant-level tasks when more junior (white) male colleagues are not. Be sure and list all your qualifications and accomplishments.

If the company is small, consider cc’ing the owner. If the company is medium sized, cc the office manager. If it’s a big company, definitely cc someone in human resources, because the point of the letter is to go on record. It’s a chess move. It’s a preemptive defense for later when you start putting your foot down.

Deliver the letter and have a frank conversation with your boss. Tell your boss what needs to change, and see what kind of reaction you get. If it’s positive, you win. If it’s negative, then you were already willing to leave, and the letter will most likely protect you from any overt retaliation. (Mention discrimination in a formal letter, and they will take you seriously. They may not do everything you ask, but they will do something.)

Whatever happens, nothing is gonna change unless you ask for what you want. Protect yourself, of course, but just fucking ask.

Someone asks you why you’re not interested in them. You don’t find them physically attractive. What do you say?

Gentle and evasive: “That’s not an appropriate question to ask.”

Gentle and straightforward: “I don’t think we have any chemistry.”

Hard and straightforward: “You’re not hot enough.”

Hard and evasive: “Go fuck yourself.”

I’ve written you so many times about my past sexual trauma and you’ve never replied. I know it’s not your job. Your a busy woman. But you always are so protective of other rape victims who wrote you and man it fucks me up. That rejection. Not being damaged enough. No one cares.

I know. You’re not my therapist. It’s not your job. But somehow I’ve attached your acknowledgment to a sort of validation. It’s not your fault. But it fucks me up.

It’s not your fault either. Believe me, it has nothing to do with “not being damaged enough.” Please don’t take my not responding as a belittlement of your trauma.

I simply cannot respond to all the submissions I get, even the gut-wrenching and deadly serious ones about rape and abuse and suicide. I wish I could, but it’s just not possible.

Try not to take it personally when I don’t respond. At the same time, I know it’s kind of a shitty thing for me to ask that you not take it personally, because I know how personal it is for you to write in about things like that.

Still, I’m very sorry for having fucked you up by not responding. (That goes for everyone who’s never heard back from me.) I hope you understand that it’s not because I don’t care, and it sure as hell isn’t a rejection of you.

I was raped by a fucking cop last night. Date rape and I was “sending mixed signals,” so it’s “not as bad as it sounds,” but I still don’t know how to deal with it in my head. I know there is no excuse but I keep trying to make them so I don’t feel so violated. And dirty. If he thinks he can stick his dick in someone saying “no, stop” repeatedly, I’m wondering who else he’s fucked that has just given up. The worst part is he tried to blame me and when I used the r word he said “if I was an asshole, I’d tell you to leave.” I told him he WAS an asshole and left. He texted saying I was “unbelievable” and “I’m sorry.. You did like it though.. But I’m sorry.” So revolting. I feel so gross even though I know it’s not my fault. Help.

I am so very sorry this happened to you.

It’s good that you know it’s not your fault, but please don’t listen to anyone who tries to tell you what happened wasn’t rape or was “not as bad as it sounds.” Fuck that shit. You deserve justice, and that evil piece of shit rapist cop deserves to be punished. I will absolutely help if I can, but for now I recommend you contact a rape crisis center in your area immediately. (Also, do not delete those texts.)

Please keep me updated, and if you’d like to discuss this privately, be sure to include an email address.

Alright, Coquette. I’ve written to you before, and every time it feels like the end of the world, but something has happened that has me feeling closer to the abyss than ever.

I’m a gay guy. Fucked around with this gorgeous dude in a sex-on-premises venue the other night while drunk. He put it in without protection, but didn’t finish (to my knowledge) and was frankly, quite flaccid throughout the experience. I asked him if he knew his status, as I wasn’t expecting nor prepared for what happened – it happened quite quickly – and needed to know what road I should go down. He told me he was HIV-negative, that I was fine, that it was all good. I weighed my options and risks, and went, fuck it, I’ll move on with my life.

I discovered a profile on a gay “dating” website two days later – some dude, advertising his home address and his desire to be penetrated by anyone with any disease, and penetrate others to spread his. That not only was he HIV-positive, but he had other stuff as well. The photos looked a lot like the guy I saw that morning. I thought to myself, surely not. But my anxiety prevailed, so I sent him a message asking his whereabouts on Friday morning.

At which point he made it abundantly clear through his response, that not only was it him who fucked me, but he enjoyed “pozzing” me. He loved breeding me with his positive load. I’m not even fucking joking. He literally bragged to me about how happy he was that he’d no doubt infected me with HIV.

I got onto the stop-you-getting-HIV meds in time, but I’m fucking distraught. I should know better than to do this shit, but sometimes you fuck up, you know? I could have avoided the situation, but I don’t expect every guy I have “whoopsie” unprotected sex with to respond with “I fucking pozzed you”.

I’ve been lying in bed for two whole days, just trying to process what’s happened. I don’t know how else to describe this, but I feel like I’ve been raped. Like I’m still stuck on ‘Did that happen?’ – and like I’ve been hollowed out.

How the fuck do I handle this ?

I am so sorry this happened to you.

What this piece of shit did to you is a serious crime, and I strongly suggest that you report him to the police as soon as possible.

Normally I’d tell you to process this in your own way, but this is obviously not an isolated incident. Clearly he does this regularly and will do it again, and since other people’s safety is at risk, I hope you feel some sense of obligation to try and stop him.

I recognize how deeply you’ve been violated here. This is a big deal, and I’m glad you had the wherewithal to get the post-exposure prophylaxis. You’ll probably be okay, but stay on top of your status, and understand that this is gonna fuck with your head for a while.

Whenever you’re ready, you should definitely seek out some counseling. The feeling that you’ve been raped is perfectly valid. You were sexually violated, and this is sexual trauma. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you experienced some PTSD-like symptoms as a result of this incident, so the sooner you start seeing a therapist, the better.

Keep taking care of yourself, and please keep me updated as you report this man to the authorities.

My parents fell in love at first sight, got married within a year of meeting, have never argued and after thirty years of marriage are still hot for each other.

I don’t believe that everyone finds the sort of love my parents have, and I have seen evidence of the many different types of love and life-long partnerships that can work just as well.

My father believes in making your own luck and calls bullshit on religion, and yet after discovering how cynical I am at only 23, he has unbelievably begun to lecture me incessantly about how I need to open myself up to the universe in order to find my ‘soulmate’.

I am obviously not asking your opinion about soulmates, but rather about the concept of ‘settling’.

A man has recently proposed to me, and with that proposal comes the expectation we will have children before his 40th birthday, which is much sooner than I ever anticipated. However, I now have an opportunity to travel to places I never could have without him. I’ll have a house in Sydney (no small feat), no university debt and the opportunity to work in the industry I want without having to worry about money.

I will be ‘settling’ for someone I didn’t love straight away, but I feel saying no to something solid on the off-chance the universe could, maybe, deliver something better is a ridiculous concept.

Should I listen to my father or go along for the ride?

Your father is the guy who thinks he can give financial advice because he won the lottery. He just wants you to be happy, which is sweet, but that doesn’t mean his expectations for you are tethered to any kind of reality. If he has a specific problem with your relationship, let him voice it, but feel free to dismiss anything he has to say about finding your soulmate. Sure, it’s a charming sentiment coming from your dad, but it’s utterly useless as practical advice and potentially harmful if incorporated into your world view.

Now, as for your suitor. If you want to marry him, go right ahead, but don’t do it for the passport stamps, and don’t let him treat you like a broodmare. (He doesn’t get to decide when you get pregnant.) Do it because you love him and you want to build a life with him as an equal partner. If there’s confusion about whether you love each other, whether you’re equal partners, or whether you have similar visions for the kind of life you want to build together, please take all the time you need to figure it out, but don’t make this decision about whether the universe might deliver something better. (That’s not how the universe works.)

You aren’t settling if you actively choose to marry him. You aren’t settling if you actively choose not to. The only way you would be settling is if you sit back and passively “go along for the ride.” You are the one who makes this decision for yourself — not your dad, not your boyfriend, and not fate. You.