Best-Of Advice

On politicizing your sex life

someone (a black lesbian) who I follow on twitter has said that she won’t date white girls and is considering not dating girls who aren’t lesbians (so not bisexual/pansexual/catch-all queer girls). why am I okay with the first but not with the second?

You’re okay with a black lesbian refusing to date white girls because it can be interpreted as a thoughtful rejection of hegemonic power structures vis-à-vis race and traditional beauty standards, whereas you’re not okay with a black lesbian refusing to date women whose sexual identity doesn’t match her strict definition of a lesbian, because that kind of preferential prejudice can easily be interpreted as a lack of intersectionality within the larger LGBTQ community.

You might also want to take a step back and realize that this is probably one of those things you shouldn’t dignify by giving a fuck in the first place, because the only thing worse than a bitch who thinks her pussy is lined with gold is one who thinks it’s lined with social justice.

Advice

On small claims court

My best friend was dumped a couple months ago by a guy she was with for three years. They had just moved in together two months previously when he dumped her, and now she’s stuck paying the full rent until September. He said he would help her with rent but he hasn’t and now has his own place. His name isn’t on the lease so she can’t really force him to give her money technically. If you were her, what would you do? I wanna make his life miserable somehow but it’s not really my place, right?

Um, she *can* really force him to give her money technically. Help your friend seek a judgment in small claims court for breach of oral contract.

Seriously, small claims court was made for fuckery like this, and it ain’t that complicated a process. Google that shit, and tell your bestie to stand up for herself, because based on these limited details, it sounds like she has a legitimate claim.

All the lease says is that the ex-boyfriend doesn’t owe the landlord, but if he told your best friend he would pay his share of the rent, he still owes her. You’d be surprised how legally binding a verbal agreement can be when you actually get it in front of a judge.

Worst case, you make his life miserable. Best case, she also gets half the rent paid for the remainder of the lease.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

What’s the difference between elegant and sophisticated?
Elegance is more a physical expression, whereas sophistication is more an intellectual one.

What is the value of reading fiction, as opposed to non-fiction?
There’s a difference between learning truths and learning facts.

Is it wrong to secretly fuck my current roommate’s ex? She’s never been a close friend, was terrible to him, but I’m pretty sure its still fucked up.
Yeah. It’s a dumbfuck move and a shitty thing to do to someone you live with. No doubt you’ll eventually suffer consequences for it.

Does needing anti-depressants mean I’m a failure?
No, and you should spit in the face of anyone who tells you otherwise.

Coquette, I’m scared I’m not doing what I want, and I’m only doing what I ‘should’ be doing. How do I tell the difference?
Figure out what you want, kid. If you don’t know that, then trying to tell the difference is kinda pointless. In the meantime, just do your best to avoid falling into a day-to-day routine that feels like a mind-numbing hellscape of compromise and drudgery.

Is it normal to feel selfish about loving someone? Just feeling that thing inside you, that admiration, being in awe with that light coming from another person, just feeling good about yourself because you realize you can love, somehow it feels selfish in a way, unexplainably.
Yes.

Favorite cigarettes?
The ones given to me by attractive and mysterious strangers.

Why do I feel lonely all of the time?
Because you are disconnected from the people in your life.

WTF is up with guys trying to have anal sex on the first go???
Assholes.

Advice

On dudes losing interest

I can’t detach emotions from sex. I’m single and dating but whenever I try to hold off on the sex until I’m ready, dudes get impatient and lose interest. When I’ve gone ahead with the sex on the first few dates, I feel gross and used. I try to date all different kinds of men and I like to think I can weed out the douchebags but apparently something is amiss. What can I do?

Keep doing what you’re doing. Nothing is amiss.You’re on the end of a spectrum where dudes get impatient and then lose interest. Women on the other end of that spectrum fret just as much as you do, because they have experiences where dudes get laid right away and then lose interest. Either way, dudes lose interest, and women find every way to blame themselves without recognizing the broader pattern.

Dudes are gonna lose interest. It’s what dudes do. Occasionally you’ll find one who’s legitimately looking for a long term relationship, and if it’s for healthy reasons and you two have chemistry, you might become a thing for a while. Whether that happens or not has nothing to do with your ability to detach emotions from sex. Don’t scapegoat that aspect of your personality. It may be the reason dudes get impatient, but it’s certainly not to blame for why dudes lose interest. That’s on them, not you.

If sex before you’re ready makes you feel gross and used, don’t do it. If a guy you’re dating gets impatient, tough shit. If he loses interest, fine. Good riddance. Dating should never be about keeping someone’s interest at the expense of your own emotional well being.

Advice

On bad valentines day sex

On valentines day we were having sex, which i had consented to. Then he took off the condom and i told him to stop and put another on, but he ignored me and kept going. I stayed quiet because i didn’t want to ruin the night. I feel disgusting now. What do i do? We’ve agreed to not have sex anymore but i still dont feel okay.

You’ll be okay. The disgust you feel is a mixture of emotional regret and physical betrayal. You did nothing wrong, so try not to channel that disgust inwardly into self-loathing and guilt. Instead, channel that disgust outwardly. Let it become anger directed at him over his selfish and disrespectful behavior.

Feel free to articulate that anger to him in whatever manner you deem appropriate. Let him know that he fucked up. Let him know that you won’t tolerate being disrespected like that, and let him know that while you may forgive, you will never forget.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why does it matter so much to be cool? (i know, it’s uncool to ask)
Being cool is a measure of one’s cultural capital in the same way that being wealthy is a measure of one’s financial capital. Cultural capital is an asset. It has value. It can promote social mobility beyond economic means, and so under certain circumstances, it matters.

I’m in love with someone, but we’re not in a relationship. Is it somehow dishonest to have sex with someone else?
Nope. It’s not at all dishonest. Sorry. You can’t simulate cheating in a relationship that doesn’t exist.

What if I just not ask if he’s married?
Ignorantia matrimonii non excusat.

Aren’t you afraid that if you don’t have a child that you won’t truly love someone more than you love yourself?
Ew. No. I’m so glad that I don’t think like you.

How often do you feel like you are totally on top of absolutely all your shit?
That has never been one of my delusions.

Why do people read sarcasm as being condescending?
Because it is.

Why should we accept what is?
Because it is.

Why are pomegranates?
Because rainbows.

i don’t feel like a partner, i feel like a trophy
Get the fuck out of that relationship.

Do you have a master list of book recommendations anywhere?
dearcoquette.com/tag/books

For such a bad bitch you’ve got the most basic ass music taste.
You are a child.

You’re quitting Dear Coquette aren’t you?
Nope.

Should I be worried?
Nope.

aaaaaaahhhhhhhh what’s happening you haven’t written anything!
I’ve been busy. It happens.

Bruh.
I know, right?

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Why is it that while having sex with my boyfriend, or any male in my past for that matter, the ultimate goal is for him to finish? Why is it that we stop when he finishes and if I don’t, it’s okay and ends anyway?
Because of porn and patriarchy. Because the guys you’ve been fucking are lazy, selfish, and bad at sex. Because until now, you’ve allowed it to happen that way. Take your pick as to why, but it’s up to you to change it.

As a man, am I allowed to have any preference for what my girlfriend does with her public hair? I’m worried that expressing or having a preference of any kind would be very un-feminist of me.
It’s fine to have a preference, and it’s fine to express a preference if she asks, but expressing an unsolicited preference isn’t cool, and expecting your preference to take precedence over hers would be very un-feminist indeed.

What’s the best way to handle someone who is exhaustingly self-pitying?
Don’t put up with their behavior. Call them out. Be kind if you can, but tell them to shut the fuck up if necessary. Remember, it’s perfectly okay to enforce your own mental and emotional well-being. (Also, if someone drains you to the point of exhaustion, consider whether they need to be in your life at all.)

People keep shortening my name and I don’t want them to. It seems unstoppable. What should I do?
Correct them.

How do I know if they’re right, and I am just a disrespectful and entitled asshole, or if I’m just the latest place for my parents to project their bullshit?
Both can be true at the same time.

I haven’t had sex in a really long time. I’m ashamed but I also know I haven’t met anyone I want to have sex with. Do I need help?
Nope, you’re fine.

He found my g-spot. Holy fucking shit. I didn’t know it could be so good.
Aww. Happy for you.

Which is more obnoxious: for me to accept nepotism to get a job I may end up loving, or to refuse nepotism because “I don’t want to get a job that way”?
Don’t be an asshole. If you can get a dream job through family connections, fucking take it. Just be worthy of it. Pay your dues. Work your ass off.

Please post more, I need the voice of your writing in my life
Sorry, but this is the time of year I’m traveling a lot for work.

Advice

On snapping you out of it

My boyfriend slapped my face (hard) in an effort to “snap me out of it” when I was crying during an argument he thought wasn’t justifiable. He made it sound so reasonable and scoffed when i cried harder after he hit me. I truly don’t know if his action wasn’t a big deal or if I’m blinded and should get out of the relationship now.

There is no justification for that kind of violent behavior. None.

He hit you. He hit you hard in the face. He hit you hard in the face during an argument in an attempt to control you. That is a very big deal. Not only should you immediately remove yourself from his presence, but you should absolutely end the relationship as soon as possible.

If there is still a visible mark or bruise, take pictures of it right now. Document this episode, and don’t hesitate to report him to friends, family, or the police if he gives you the slightest bit of push-back when you break up with him.

Advice

On Leelah

Your thoughts on Leelah Alcorn and the circumstances surrounding her death? The whole situation with her was so horrible and sad, and yet her parents still deny and refuse to acknowledge who she was and why she died. Some say good may come out of it by bringing awareness to the plight of transgendered persons forced to live and grow up in such hostile and judgmental environments, but I’m not that optimistic.

Right now, Carla and Doug Alcorn are grieving the loss of their son Joshua. In the fog of their religious ignorance, they simply don’t know any better. My only hope is that there will eventually come a day when they grieve a second time for the loss of their daughter Leelah.It may take many years, but I hope that they grieve a second time, because Carla and Doug Alcorn deserve to feel twice as much pain for the direct role they played in their daughter’s suicide. I hope that they grieve a second time, because Leelah deserves for her parents to ultimately understand who she was. She deserves to be acknowledged by her family as a transgender teenage girl instead of a sexually confused teenage boy, and she deserves to be called Leelah instead of Joshua.

I hope that they grieve a second time, because it will mean that even narrow-minded Baptists like Carla and Doug Alcorn are capable of rejecting the ugly and hateful interpretations of their stupid fucking religion. It will mean that society as a whole is changing for the better, painfully slow though that change may seem, and it will also mean that Leelah Alcorn’s life, tragically shortened though it may have been, still wasn’t lived in vain.

Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Azealia Banks and Igloo Australia’s feud. Any words?
I’ll take problematic excellence over hegemonic mediocrity any day of the fucking week.

Why can I only orgasm by myself and never with a partner?
I don’t know, but try to start thinking in terms of “Why have I only” instead of “Why can I only.”

If we are programmed, then how are we responsible for our actions?
Cultural programming isn’t mind control, and being responsible isn’t the same thing as being culpable.

What does confusing your life with your circumstances mean?
Your life is what matters. Your circumstances only seem like they do. It’s easy to confuse the two, especially when you’re lost in the normal day-to-day bullshit.

What’s the most surefire test for relationship compatibility?
Time.

My dad left when I was five. Twenty years later and today I finally got The Apology Letter. Why don’t I feel better?
Because fuck him, that’s why. An apology letter doesn’t mean shit. At best, it’s a souvenir of his absence. At worst, it’s a self-serving attempt at emotional manipulation. Set the letter aside and let his actions speak instead.

I feel like I need to break up with my boyfriend, but he’s not doing anything wrong. I just graduated from college and he’s content with working his minimum wage job as a store clerk. Is it okay to want someone who is more ambitious?
Of course it’s okay. If you’re done, you’re done. He doesn’t have to do anything wrong. It’s simply enough that he’s not right for you.

How do you stay so invincible when it comes to situations that would otherwise cause negative emotions? I feel like I’d be so much more powerful (and happy) if I learned your abilities.
No, no. I’m not invincible. I’ve just gone through some shit. I’ve had all the negative emotions, and I’ve realized that after the first few minutes, they’re almost entirely optional.