Advice

On breaking up a half hour ago

I did it. I left work early and I did it. All the way up until I knocked on his door, I didn’t think I would. I still care about him. But I wasn’t happy. The worst part was that he was still so kind to me even though I don’t deserve it. I feel like a different person.


It sounds like it went as well as a thing like that can go. Everything you’re feeling is perfectly normal. It’s okay to still care about him, and it’s also okay to have put your happiness first. You’re gonna be a raw nerve for a bit, so just take it easy, and feel what you gotta feel.

Standard
Advice

On breaking up in half an hour

I think I’m going to break up with my boyfriend after work. I have 20 minutes left at work and another 20 minute commute home. What am I doing? What am I doing? I keep thinking: Will you do it later or will you do it now? Coq, you’ve never steered me wrong before. How do I even do this?


Chill. You’ll be fine. If it’s over, it’s over.

Be firm, be clear, and be kind. Don’t bullshit, and don’t put up with any bullshit. Once you’ve done it, get the fuck out and go hang with some friends. There’s no need to wallow in break-up mode.

Don’t worry. The hardest part will be your drive home.

Standard
Advice

On woody

What makes you think Woody did it? There’s so much hate flying around the internet and a lot of misinformation, and I’m finding it really hard trying to figure out who’s more clear.

Are you fucking kidding me? When a seven year old girl confesses in graphic detail to being sexually assaulted by her adoptive father, BELIEVE HER. When, as an adult, her story hasn’t changed despite two decades of unimaginable pressure, shame, and unwanted publicity, BELIEVE HER.

Could that be any more fucking clear?

Standard
Advice

On girls

Why would u cancel the show Girls? It’s the only show on TV that’s relatable and body image isn’t everything for once.


Are you fucking kidding me? Girls is terrible. The only theme is malignant narcissism, the only stories are ones of pathological self-absorption, and every single character is a spoiled rotten navel-gazing garbage monster.

Of course, all of that would be forgivable if the show were somehow funny or poignant, but it’s so completely up its own ass that it is neither.

Honestly, if Girls is the only show on television that you find relatable, then you are a horrible fucking person. Hate me all you want for saying so, but I promise, in five years you’ll realize how right I am about this.

And for fuck’s sake, have you not seen Broad City yet? That show is brilliant and hilarious. It’s everything Girls should have been and more. Go watch it immediately.

Standard
Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

What’s the difference between reasons and excuses?
Reasons establish causation. Excuses establish justification.


Do you think Woody did it?
Absolutely.


I can’t sleep unless I’m completely toasted. I know this probably means I’m an alcoholic. I think I’m admitting it for the first time right now. What in sweet hell do I do next?
You might be an alcoholic, but this also sounds like you’re self-medicating a mild but undiagnosed anxiety disorder. Go see a shrink.


What was your favorite Super Bowl commercial?
The Turbo Tax Year of the You ad. I think it really captures the profound sadness of middle-minded American mediocrity.


Why are people so shocked that I’m not mad or upset that my ex boyfriend is now gay?
Because they mistakenly assume you should take something like that personally.


How do I stop fantasizing about my friends? You know, without boning them.
Why do you feel the need to stop? It’s perfectly normal. As long as the fantasies aren’t intrusive, there’s nothing wrong with having them.


I’m a straight girl who likes lesbian porn. I’m in a fabulous relationship with my boyfriend and we have a fantastic sex and communicate about it regularly. Does the lesbian porn mean I’m bi? Need to experiment along with my boyfriend? Is this natural?
It’s perfectly natural. Feel free to experiment if it’s something you want to try, and don’t worry about labeling yourself.


I’m 35 and just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. Do you think I still have time to meet someone and have kids one day?
You can keep hoping for a storybook ending, but this is exactly why Aristotle favored a plausible impossibility over an implausible possibility.


Which Girls character would you be?
I’d be the HBO executive who cancels the show.

Standard
Advice

On lesbian bed death

I’m stuck. My partner isn’t interested in sex and my libido is raging. Any activity we have is initiated by me and she’s not interested in being on the receiving end of any pleasure. Classic lesbian bed death, we’re 5 years in and totally entrenched in what I thought was going to be a lifetime partner. Common friends, total family involvement on both sides, financial ties, etc etc. We’ve done counseling, she’s been checked for hormone levels. Due diligence has been met.

She’s (so far) unwilling to open up the relationship so I feel as though I have 3 shitty choices.

1. Suck it up and deal with it and plan on replacing my vibrator every 3 months from overuse.

2. Blow up my entire (and in most other aspects wonderful) life and end the relationship.

3. Be unfaithful. This is totally against every fiber in my being. But my bitter and angry self is coming up with more and more justifications for this all the time. I’m scared I’m going to do something impulsive and stupid.

She doesn’t ever reach for me, in any way. It’s heartbreaking and demoralizing.

Give it to me straight, I respect your perspective so very much.

 

You only feel as though you’re stuck with these three shitty choices because you haven’t checked the fine print on the terms of your relationship. There is another choice. It’s difficult, and it still might blow up your entire life in the process, but it’s also reasonable and equitable under these circumstances.

You’ve both agreed to be in a monogamous, long-term romantic relationship. That’s fine. Congratulations on making it five years. The problem, of course, is that you’ve confused monogamy with fidelity, and you’ve failed to recognize that your partner having zero sexual interest in you whatsoever is its own kind of unfaithfulness. I’m sorry, but just because she’s your romantic partner, that doesn’t mean she gets to hold your sex life hostage in a prison of unrequited monogamy. She’s the one betraying you here, and you don’t have to stand for it.

If your partner isn’t interested in sex with you, then the decision to open the relationship isn’t up to her. You’re the one who gets to decide whether to open things up. That’s the little known codicil that can dramatically alter the terms of your relationship.

All you have to do is tell her. Be brutally honest. Just say, “I am opening up our relationship, and I am going to start having sex with other people. It’s just sex. I’m not looking for love or intimacy. I have that with you, and I don’t want love or intimacy from anyone but you. Quite frankly, I’d rather be having sex with you than with anyone else, so as soon as you feel capable of resuming a regular sex life with me, we can be monogamous again. Until then, please know that I love you very much, but this is something that has to happen.”

Yep. It’s really that simple. The hard part comes later when you find out how strong your relationship really is. Maybe it’s an arrangement that can work. Maybe it brings you two closer as a couple, or then again, maybe it’s what finally blows shit up.

If your partner can’t handle you having sex with other people to fulfill your very reasonable sexual needs, then she’s the one who will have to end the relationship, not you. That may be cold comfort, but it’s an important distinction.

Whatever happens, you need to cozy up to the fact that something has to change, and it can’t just be the batteries in your vibrator.

 

(Nerve)

Standard
Advice

On a little perspective

I’m part of a fairly large Facebook group of improv friends. One friend suggested that we all go bowling sometime, which I thought was great. But then I got the idea to ask the entire group if the single people wanted to go bowling on Valentine’s Day, especially because some people in the group really feel lonely. I wasn’t trying to exclude the people in relationships, but I thought it would be nice to be in solidarity with each other. One girl in the group, someone in a “primary-but-open relationship” (her words), took offense and clearly wanted to be included. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, but I did want us single folks to have something to do together. I’ll admit that that wasn’t the best place to pose the idea, but am I crazy for thinking the offended girl lacks understanding for why I offered the idea?


It’s bowling. On Valentine’s Day. Just shut the fuck up and be happy with whoever wants to come.

Standard
Advice

On the myth of a better financial position

My husband and I really want to start a family. I’m 30 and he’s 34. We have a combined annual income of around $110,000 but have debt of nearly $50,000. I’m scared that if we wait a couple of years until we are in a better financial position, we don’t have a lot of time up our sleeves if we have problems conceiving. On the other hand, if we start trying now I’m afraid that we’ll set ourselves up to live in a financial black hole for the next 20 years. Please Coquette, give it to me straight.


You two are a couple of salary earners, right? Yeah, the next twenty years are going to be a financial black hole no matter what you do, so if you insist on breeding, you might as well go ahead and get it over with.

Good luck clinging to the middle class.

Standard
Advice

On macklemore

I hate Macklemore. Isn’t a straight white man writing a hip-hop song about gay relationships the definition of exploitative?


Sure, but here’s a thought experiment: How would your opinion of Macklemore change if you knew that he liked to suck big black cock?

Let’s take the thought experiment one step further: Imagine if Macklemore and Ryan Lewis were suddenly outed as this generation’s Milli Vanilli, and it was revealed that “The Heist” was actually a secret collaboration between Frank Ocean and Big Freedia. How would your opinion of the album change?

It’s very easy to hate on Macklemore after all the Grammys the industry threw at him last night. He honestly couldn’t be a bigger, whiter, or straighter target. That’s fine. I totally get why you can’t stand the dude, and I can’t really fault you for your opinion.

He’s just so weirdly polarizing, and that’s why he’s kind of a puzzle to me. As someone who comments on pop culture, I feel obligated to have an opinion on Macklemore, and yet for some reason, I don’t.

All of my friends seem to feel very strongly about him one way or the other, and they all make perfectly valid arguments to back up their pro or anti Macklemore opinions. I hear what everybody has to say, and I hear the music, and all I can do is smile and nod.

It all just passes right through me. Nothing sticks. Even now, as I type these words, I’m trying to give a shit one way or the other about Macklemore, and the most I can muster is a mild disdain for douchebags who try and dress like him in public.

Meh. I guess time will tell. Or not. Whatever.

Standard
Fun-Sized Advice

On fun-sized advice

Is it always a bad idea to forgive a cheater?
No, it’s actually a good idea to forgive a cheater, but that doesn’t mean forget, and that sure as hell doesn’t mean give back your trust.

What do you think about Jennifer Lawrence? Role model or another Hollywood standard of perfection (even if she does love pizza)?
I’ve got no reason to throw shade on J-Law. She’s a perfectly decent generational replacement for Julia Roberts, but come on. Role model? Never, I repeat, NEVER look to movie stars as role models. Set your standards higher than beautiful idiots who play pretend for a living.

Why am I still so attracted to my rapist? He’s all I can think about when I masturbate.
You are not attracted to your rapist. You are merely having sexual thoughts about him. Don’t confuse those thoughts for an emotional connection. They’re just a coping mechanism that allows you to exert control in your mind. It’s all a part of your healing process.

How can I explain to someone the enormous difference between “black pride” and “white pride?”
Don’t bother. Instead, explain the concepts of cultural hegemony and systemic racism. Re-frame their world view until they see the difference for themselves. 

Where does one draw the line when considering a person’s mental illness (depression specifically) as an excuse for their horrid, uncomfortable and sometimes alienating behaviour?
Draw the line wherever you feel is necessary. Mental disorders may be the reason for certain behaviors, but they are not an excuse.

Is there anything you’ll admit to being hypocritical about?
Really? Your narcissism is so lazy that you can’t even bother hunting for your own reason to call me a hypocrite? Ugh. You’re the kind of asshole who would commit suicide by getting the cops to shoot you.

How do you develop a skin as thick as yours? I’m in awe.
I don’t have a thick skin. I just don’t take shit personally.

Standard