I cheated with two random guys, he fucked his ex girlfriend in the bed right next to mine. It’s been one month and this is our relationship. He claims mine is the bigger fuck up and yet he continues to hang out with his ex-girlfriend. I don’t think I’m strong enough to let him dump me and move on. I want to beg for him back. He is the best and only thing that has ever happened to me. No exaggeration here. What do you think?

One month is not a relationship. What are you, twelve?

You may think there’s no exaggeration here, but this reeks of artificial teenage drama.

One day you will realize how fucking dumb you sound when you say shit like, “He is the best and only thing that has ever happened to me.” Until that day, pretend you have some dignity. Dump him before he dumps you and just move on.

I promise it won’t be long before you’re distracted by another shiny object.

I used to think “hey, you’re a grown up; I’m a grown up, we both want to, why the hell not”. Which is totally fine for one night stands but somehow undermines longer relationships. I’m starting a new one with someone who I actually went out on a date with first off and I don’t want to fuck it up just yet. How novel.

So, straight up, what’s your timeline of action for pretending to be a respectable young woman?

I don’t pretend to be respectable. I am respectable.

More importantly, I respect myself. I’m not saying you don’t, but your problem is that you’re asking “why the hell not?” when you should be simply asking “why?”

You’re both grown ups, you both want to, so why should you fuck?

Do you see the difference? One question cheapens the sex, the other gives it importance.

Also, don’t be afraid to literally ask it. Acknowledge that you love to fuck, and acknowledge that you would love to fuck him. Discuss it openly. Turn it into foreplay.

Once you’ve answered that question, it doesn’t matter whether it’s the first date or the fifth.

Listen,

I’ve realized that my insecurities have made me selfish, and in turn, I’ve lost the person I love.

I have a lot of growing up to do. I’ve had 2 failed long term relationships, one with a girl the other with a guy. The time for college experimentation is up I guess, and I feel like the only result I’ve achieved is putting myself in a sexuality headlock. I’m a smart guy, but I work off of flawed logic. For example:

I am too intimidated to be with girls and to ashamed to with guys, my gut instinct is to embrace lonliness and cut my losses.

They say sexuality works on a specturm, but does it account for cowardice?

Any advice?

Please kick me in the ass hard enough to break my apathy.

-Lost in my own preconceptions

This is painful to read.

You’ve got a lot of intelligence, a little bit of self-awareness, and absolutely no spine. That’s a recipe for a fucking James Joyce novel, not a life.

Shame and intimidation are de rigueur in the post-modern mating ritual, so worry less about that and more about your tendency to overthink everything.

For instance, I sincerely doubt that your gut instinct is telling you to embrace loneliness and cut your losses. That conclusion requires a high degree of rational logic, which makes it a product of your spinning mind rather than your gut, regardless of whether it’s emotional in nature.

If you really consulted your gut instinct, it would probably render a primal, short-term solution. Something along the lines of, “go get shitfaced and fuck the first person that makes extended eye contact.”

Not a bad idea in your case.

How do I get my boyfriend to go down on me more often? I keep a clean, smooth shop, the sex is great, and I am more than willing to reciprocate the action. He claims to just “not be in the mood” to give me head, but come on, if I’m willing to swallow some cock I’d better be on the receiving end of a hyperactive tongue.

Kindly inform him that a man’s tongue will spend at least one hour per week on your pussy.

Whether it’s his is entirely up to him.

I’m engaged and I love my dude, but I’m pretty sure he’s addicted to porn. I know, it sounds fucking stupid, but there’s no other explanation for what’s going on. I’ll wake up in the morning and leave our room to get some water or make lunch for later and he’ll be on his computer. As soon as he realizes that I’m in the room, he starts typing quickly and talks to me about whatever website he’s looking at. I’m not stupid, I know he’s beating off. I watch porn too, so it’s not a huge deal for me, but when you have a chick in the room next to you who LOVES to get her bone on, it doesn’t make sense to be fapping before work. I haven’t gained weight, I don’t cry during sex, I know I’m not boring in bed, and he’s for sure not cheating. It’s making me feel shitty about myself and it’s pretty much ruining my sex drive (which was pretty high). I already manned up and spoke to him about it, but I certainly don’t feel any better and I honestly don’t know what else to do about it.

The good news is, this isn’t about you — he’s normal and not at all addicted to porn.

The porn was there before you showed up, and it’ll be there after you’re gone. Our pool of eligible bachelors and boyfriends have been downloading endless streams of progressively raunchier and raunchier hardcore pornography for well over a decade.

It’s really quite remarkable when you consider that by the time our guys have jerked their way through a single bottle of Jergens, they’ve absorbed more XXX action than existed in all the world at the time of their births.

Try contemplating the breadth, depth, and mind-boggling magnitude of all the porn sites, porn genres, and porn stars freely available for viewing at every hour. Do you honestly expect to compete with just one measly vagina?

You could be a bisexual nymphomaniac fashion model and you still couldn’t hold your own against internet porn, which leads me to the bad news: this isn’t about you — he’s normal and not at all addicted to porn.

You couldn’t be more wrong in your assumption that “when you have a chick in the room next to you who LOVES to get her bone on, it doesn’t make sense to be fapping before work.”

I’m sorry, but ask any straight guy without a vested interest in boning you, and if he’s honest he’ll tell you that sexing the ol’ ball-and-chain can be a chore, but getting a good wank in before work is pure recreation.

In other words, when he’s fucking, he’s trying to please you. When he’s jerking, he’s trying to please himself. Surely you understand the difference.

I’ve dealt with this very situation, and if you’re willing to put in a little extra effort, I’ve got a foolproof solution that will have him mounting you in no time.

Next time you catch him in the act, tell him you want to replace his hand with your mouth. Don’t let him stop surfing the porn. Go down on him right then and there with no hesitation and make sure he keeps surfing the porn as if you weren’t even in the room. Make it about pleasing him, and I guarantee you he’ll eventually shove the computer aside and pound you like the pornstar he was just watching.

Good luck.

I’ve been in a relationship for four years off-and-on with the same guy. How practical would it be to move in together? Both of us have steady jobs, he’s already moved out with room mates at the moment, but I’m still living with my parents so that I can save up more money for the possibility of us taking things to the next level.

Red flag number one: “four years”

Red flag number two: “off-and-on”

Red flag number three: “but I’m still living with my parents”

Do you really want me to answer this question? My advice has nothing to do with practicality, and I promise you will not like it.

Here’s a hint: as much as sentimental conservative types may disagree, I feel strongly that settling down with your teenage sweetheart is a recipe for a mid-life crisis in your early thirties when you realize that the only cock you’ve ever seen is attached to a man who resents you for stealing his youth and won’t fuck you because you’ve got short hair and stretch marks. Not that it matters to you, because you fell out of love with him years before and now you subsist on fantasies about the personal lives of pretty people on daytime television.

So, are you sure you want my advice on this one?

hey bitch! What’s your take on religion and would you consider yourself a religious whore or a spiritual being?

Wow. You know how in movies when an awkward dad tries to sound hip for his teenage kids by using their slang in some wildly inappropriate way that makes everyone cringe?

That’s pretty much what’s happening here.

A quick lesson: when using the word “whore” for self-deprecating comic effect, the modifier must be a noun, never an adjective.

A “religion whore” is a chick who gets off on religion,  whereas a “religious whore” is a christian prostitute.

I am neither.

how do i get invited to more parties?

Be friends with people who throw parties.