Here’s my dilem. I’m having a secret affair with this guy. This certain guy has hooked up with my best friend a few months ago. He confessed to me that he actually likes me and could see us being more than fuck buddies. My best friend still isn’t over him even though they never actually dated (she gave him a bj and he was high and barely remembers it). I like him so much and really do want to be with him. But my best friend would be crushed if I dated him.

So, do I put my happiness in front of hers? or go the chicks before dicks route?

A secret affair? Don’t be so dramatic. This isn’t about love. Nobody’s married. You’re just sneaking some dick behind your best friend’s back after she tried calling dibs on it.

The whole thing is just a half-assed love triangle, the heightened circumstances of which are fooling you into thinking that this guy is more than a fuck buddy.

Don’t kid yourself. It’s a summer fling, one that’s going to ruin your relationship with your best friend when she finds out.

Yes. She will find out. It’s inevitable, and unless you’re the one who steps up and tells her what’s going on, she’ll never be able to trust you again.

This isn’t about your happiness. It’s about your integrity. Seriously, is your summertime fuck buddy worth your best friend’s trust?

Didn’t think so.

I have an ex-wife. We get along all right. I see her once every few months and we have lunch and talk about our work and families and so on.

I have a girlfriend. The girlfriend (who is otherwise not even remotely neurotic or whiny) seems to think that my amicable relationship with my ex-wife is inappropriate.

What do you think?

Inappropriate. I hate that word.

It’s used by persnickety little bitches who are inevitably trying to cover up some negative emotional response they won’t otherwise admit to having.

Go ahead. Make her confess to it. It’s as simple as asking your girlfriend, “How does my amicable relationship with my ex-wife make you feel?”

If she’s emotionally honest, she’ll admit to being either jealous, embarrassed, resentful, or ashamed. That gut-level response is the real problem.

Maybe you can fix that shit, and maybe you can’t, but once the underlying negativity is addressed, you’d be amazed at what’s suddenly appropriate.

“Let me guess. Asian female?”

What the fuck?! This illustrates your ignorance. What if this person is caucasian, african, mexican, or whatever—you’re going to deliberately label this person right off the bat? Fuck you. The fact that you put the race down in the first place is irrelevant. Fuck you and your preconceived notions. I don’t even care if you answer this; I just want you to know you’re an asshole. Oh yeah, if you can’t guess it, I’m not asian.

Listen, kid. You really need to chill the fuck out.

You can’t go through life this angry or this politically correct. It’s wasted emotion aimed at a ridiculous target. You accomplish nothing with this kind of behavior, except for looking like a whiny little pussy who can’t take a joke.

Sure, I’m an asshole. For fuck sake, kid. It says I’m a raging bitch right there on the box. Did you really think that your letter would do anything other than brighten my day?

It doesn’t matter that your point might be valid. Everyone else thinks that I’m right and you’re wrong because I’m hilarious and I can take a joke. Do you see how that works? There’s a really important lesson here, and once you wrap your head around it you’re going to be so much happier.

Nobody wants to be around someone who’s constantly offended.

Lighten the fuck up.

i have horribly strict parents who, although i am 22 years old, still feel that they must control where i go and what i do. i can’t be out past 9 at night and whenever i ask to leave the house with friends they get angry and tell me life isn’t about just partying. i’m a 4.0 student at school and i don’t drink or do drugs. how can i convince them to just let me live my life?

Let me guess. Asian female? Yeah. Stop trying to convince your parents to just let you live your life. It’s a waste of energy. Instead, just fucking live it.

You’re an adult, after all. Disobedience is not the same thing as disrespect, and you are under no legal obligation to live under a curfew.

Don’t ask permission to stay out late. Simply let them know that you will be home by midnight, and then keep your word.

There will be consequences for this behavior. You should be prepared to accept them, but at the same time don’t allow punishment for rules that you deem overly strict. Begin to enforce your own will over your governance. Act like an adult, and they will have no choice but to treat you like one.

The worst case scenario you’re facing is being kicked out of the house, but who are we kidding? It’s not going to come to that, especially if you keep your grades up and stay out of trouble.

We’re talking about personal freedoms here. You don’t ask for them. You take them. Obviously, it’s a delicate situation when you still haven’t left the nest, but it sounds like you’re long overdue for a little spreading of your wings.

This will be a gradual process, and no doubt a very stressful one. Still, it’s the natural order of things. It’s time to start standing up for yourself.

My mom is making me go to an indian reservation in the middle of nowhere with a quaker church to do community service. I have never been to church in my life and am pretty alienated by the whole thing. What the hell am I to do?

Peyote.

I’m 21 and have been fucking since I was 15. Thing is, I recently started to ejaculate when I cum. Like, a lot. Every time. Without fail. Doesn’t matter if I’m masturbating or taking some dick, I actually squirt everywhere.

Now, this isn’t a problem (in my opinion anyway – I fucking love it!) but when I get with a new guy, I feel I have to hold back an orgasm in case they get really freaked out by it. This happened once where a guy was eating me out, and I squirted all over his face. He thought I pissed on him, and proceeded to leave without giving me a chance to explain what had actually happened (I assumed he had never heard of it before). On the other hand, I was with a guy who loved it, and we had endless hours of fun together.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is, how the fuck do you politely convey to a guy before you get with him that things might get a little slippery without resorting to a theme-parkesque “you may get wet” message across your forehead?

If you’re willing to grant someone access to your vagina, you should be willing to give him a friendly heads up that you’re a gusher.

You don’t have to pull a Slip ‘N Slide out from under the bed. A simple, “I squirt” should be all that’s necessary. If he doesn’t seem to grasp the concept, take a quick second and spell it out for him.

“I squirt when I cum. You’re gonna get soaked, but don’t freak out. It’s not pee.”

It’s a message best delivered beforehand, and one that will keep you from having to explain yourself while recovering from an orgasm.

As a guest, if there’s a chance you could ruin someone else’s furniture or clothing, it’s proper etiquette to suggest laying down a towel before blasting hot liquid from your snatch.

A wet spot is one thing, but your host should never have to flip the mattress.

I am sleeping with a man who introduces me as his ‘friend’ to coworkers. We do more than just have sex. We watch movies. Go out to dinner. Basically try to have a relationship. What is your take on this?

I hate to break it to you, but you’re the only one trying to have a relationship. He’s just trying to enjoy your company.

Sure, he likes you. You might even get girlfriend status one day, but you aren’t there yet. In the meantime, don’t over think this kind of shit.

Our culture doesn’t have a formal label for the early, casual stage of a romantic relationship. Sure, “fuck buddy” has its charms, but that’s not how you want him to introduce you at the office party.

My parents are forcing me to go to bible camp for three days. I’m not religious at all. How can I make it more fun for me, if you know what I mean? Sex, drugs, and electronica are all welcome. I’m 15.

You’ve got the right idea. I’m sure you’ll be fine.

Hell, I remember bible camp. Fucking loved it. Those things are usually run by sappy, credulous neo-hippie Jesus freaks. They’re relatively harmless and easy to fool. As long as you don’t do any property damage, you can get away with bloody murder.

Don’t worry. It won’t be hard to find a core group of like-minded campers and raise a little hell. At meal time when everyone else bows their heads in prayer, keep your eyes open. Look around. See all those other kids stealing sideways glances? Those are the fun ones. If anybody brought weed, you can guarantee it’s one of them.

Ignore all the bible banging. Seriously, just tune it out. They can insist that you show up for church, but you don’t have to sing the hymns. It’s perfectly okay to be a conscientious objector. Be polite, but be firm. Don’t ever let them make you do or say something that violates your spiritual or intellectual integrity.

Walk around with a copy of Letter to a Christian Nation by Sam Harris. It’ll be your antidote to all the crazy christian nonsense. Give it away to someone on your last day.

Other than that, just have fun. Swim in a lake, roast a marshmallow, and make out with somebody. Whatever you do, don’t take any of it seriously. It’s just fucking camp.

When did you start smoking cigarettes? Do you think 14/15 is too young to start? If someone starts (well, me) at 14 (already started), is it possible to keep it under control or should I stop altogether? How do you smoke? Are you addicted? Please map this ground out for me because I’m lost.

I had my first cigarette in a church camp bathroom, not coincidentally on the same night that someone’s finger other than my own first found it’s way inside my vagina. All in all, a pretty wild night for an eighth grader.

I never really started smoking, though. Much like getting fingerbanged, it was just something that happened every once in a while when I was sneaking around with high school boys.

In college, I would smoke with friends who smoked, but I never actually bought cigarettes myself. These days, I keep a pack of Parliaments laying around like I keep beers in the fridge. They’re on hand for when I have guests, and occasionally if I’m in a particular mood.

I guess you could say I’m a pack-a-month smoker, which means on an average day I could call myself a non-smoker and no one would know the difference.

That’s just it, though. I’ll never become someone who needs a cigarette every day. I won’t ever let it become a habit. As habits go, cigarettes are fucking disgusting. The dry cleaning bills alone make it a stupid idea.

Of all the shit I put into my body, cigarettes do the most damage and leave the most lasting negative effects. Sure, when I’m high as fuck, I’ll smoke like a chimney, but that doesn’t make it any less gross.

Not to start sounding like a PSA, but a couple of my crazy party friends happen to be doctors. These guys have shoved ecstasy up my ass, and I’ve done cocaine off their cocks. They know their way around every recreational poison you can imagine, and they’ve told me the same thing every time: smoking is the worst thing you can do to your body.

So there it is. Maybe it’s a bit of a mixed message, but I hope you understand that I’m not holding myself out as an example. Sure, I smoke a little, but I do all kinds of whacked out shit that I obviously shouldn’t do.

You’re only fourteen. If you’ve already started smoking, you’re fucked. You should absolutely quit. Never let yourself get addicted to anything, especially something so damaging as cigarettes.