Author Archives: CQ

Best-Of Advice

On naughty pics

Here’s the deal. I met this guy not to long ago, over the internet . Blahblahblah to that, I have no problem with meeting people online. He is hot. Damn good looking And I usually go for the nerdy lanky boys. HOWEVER, this boy is gorgeous. On with the story. We talked for the first time last week on the phone, around tuesday or wednesday. We ended up having phone sex. I have NO idea how it even got to that point but it did. And I feel kinda weird about it because I do not do that with guys I have just started talking to. I like to keep some kind of respect for myself. He wants pictures of me sans clothing now. And I don’t know how to say no. Because let’s face it, I phone fucked the guy the first time talking to him. And after that, how do you say no to something as simple as pictures? Part of my thinks I wouldn’t mind, but part of me would like to save some kind of whatever dignity I may have left. I’m not quite sure what to do here.

Ah, the perils of 21st century whoredom. Every last one of us has a few naughty pics floating out there in the digital ether, and nowadays the American teenage experience includes making your first sex tape before getting your drivers license.

Billions of little red record buttons, so simple and ubiquitous, make it far too easy for boys to do what boys like to do — point and shoot. It desensitizes girls like yourself until you’re asking ridiculous questions like, “how do you say no to something as simple as pictures?”

Simple as pictures? Are you fucking kidding me? The legal and emotional consequences of turning a camera into a sex toy can be staggeringly complicated and more permanent than an STD.

If every iPhone shipped with anal beads instead of a camera, would you still be asking how to say no to something as simple as assplay?

You’re not sure what to do here because you seem to have devalued this part of your sexuality. Take a moment to reflect on the levels of trust and intimacy that are required to safely share naked photos with someone, and hopefully you’ll see that I’m not being facetious when I compare this to taking it up the ass.

Posing for pics can be incredibly hot, and shooting a wildly creative sex tape can be one of the most intimate things you do with your partner, but the decision to let anyone other than yourself control that content is a serious one.

Don’t kid yourself — the second you email naked pics to a phone-fuck buddy you met online less than a week ago, you’ve effectively posted those pics to every amateur porn site this side of Chatsworth.

Just tell the guy no. If he presses you, turn the tables on him — insist that he be the one to send raunchy pics. If he backs down, that’s the end of it.

If he follows through and sends you pics, tell him they aren’t raunchy enough and that he has to send more. Never promise to send any in return.

Demand that he send you dirtier and dirtier pics of himself until he either backs down, grosses you out, or gives you so much blackmail ammunition that there’s no harm in sending him a naked pic or two.

If you do ever decide to send him something, make sure he’s familiar with the doctrine of mutually assured embarrassment, and let him know that you’d go nuclear on his ass if he ever stepped out of line with your pics.

Be wild and have fun, but take this shit seriously.

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Advice

On whining

If you would, some advice? I’m stuck at shitty college 20 minutes away from home (that’s an apartment my mother, her boyfriend, and their baby). I can’t decide on my major and I am dreading “making friends” with the Disney Channel rejects that live in the same dorms as I. What the fuck am I to do? I know what I want (FUN friends, a job, a car), I just don’t know how to get there.

— Animal

Stuck at a shitty college? Fuck you.

Walk ten minutes in any direction. Stop at whatever fast food shit hole is in your field of vision. Go inside and ask the woman at the counter for a job application. Look her in the eye and say thank you. Walk back to your dorm room and pin that application to the wall next to your desk.

That, my friend, is a job.

What you have is an opportunity for a career. You’re lucky to be at that college. You’re lucky to have Disney Channel dorm-mates. Getting to pick a major is a fucking privilege.

I got my first shitty job when I was fourteen years old. Since then, I’ve earned two degrees and spent well over a decade in my chosen field climbing my way up from entry level bitch to madam fucking executive. None of it has been easy.

My wild weekends? I earn that shit.

You want to know how to get there? Quit whining, get rid of the attitude, and do the fucking work. That’s the only way anything will ever happen.

In the meantime, if you really can’t decide on a major, pick the one with the fewest bullshit prerequisites and that allows the most flexibility in course selection. Your major is absolutely meaningless in the real world, so fill your schedule with whatever classes fascinate you.

Good luck, and I hope you never have to fill out that application.

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Advice

On girl rape.

What’s your view on “girl raping” (getting guys incapacitated and fucking them)? I’ve been going to bars and clubs lately opening tabs for dumb, younger (and incredibly sexy) boys and taking them home to bang. In the morning I almost get off again from watching them do the walk of shame. Am I a terrible person?

— Kimora Klein, and I actually am in porn. Google me.

You don’t fuck a person — man or woman — who is incapacitated. EVER. That is abhorrent, if not criminal, behavior.

How can you be so cavalier about non-consensual sex? How can you derive pleasure from humiliating another human being? It’s sociopathic. Very unhealthy.

Honestly, Kimora, I’ve known quite a few girls in porn, and you’re not the first hardcore misandrist born out of that industry. I understand how you could come to feel a certain way about men, but I can’t condone how you treat them.

Getting off on causing someone emotional pain? Asserting your dominance by “girl raping”? Seriously, you need to get help. You’ve got a lot of shit to work out, and if you ever want to have a healthy relationship, you absolutely must talk to a therapist.

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Advice

On victim mentality

I lost my virginity at 13. Everyone found out and people I dont know still ask me about it.

I like to believe that i loved the guy and i just didnt know what i was doing. Now every guy since then has just tried to use me. But ive never done anything with anyone after that. I dont know why i just told you this.

“Post hoc ergo propter hoc” — look it up. It’s me calling you out on the logical fallacy that “I lost my virginity at 13,” therefore “every guy since has just tried to use me.” That’s not the way it works. Your problem isn’t how early you started fucking, it’s that now you’ve got a victim mentality.

You have the capacity for unimaginable strength, power, and beauty. I just hope you discover it before the wolves devour you. Tell you what, a solid place for you to start would be to read The Mastery of Love. Trust me on this.

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Advice

On flakes.

I was talking to this guy for a short while. HE gave me his number, and HE suggested that we hang out sometime. I texted him, made small talk, and he asked me whats good for this week. So I told him that I was going to a rave and that he should come with me. He said yea, and expressed interest in going. He stopped replying after a while. I texted him day of the rave and asked if he still wanted to go. No reply. What the fuck is this niggas problem? Did I get stood up, or dyou think he got arrested (or something else preventing him from texting me back)?

You never made plans. He didn’t leave you outside the rave holding his glow stick. You weren’t stood up.

It sounds like he’s either flakey or incarcerated. Either way, delete his number, turn up the Tiesto, and dance like you don’t give a shit.

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Advice

On no-strings cock

Ok. I guess I need to give a little back story. I’m an attractive looking lady, if I must say. Not crazy stunning, but I have some shit going for me in the looks department. Anyways.

This guy was at a mutual friends house and we really hit it off. Flirting and stuff the whole night. When it was time to go, he invited me back to his place. We got blazed and had the best sex ever. Then we chilled until the morning. Stayed up all night talking, it was awesome. Thing is, I only want this dude for more sex. He was funny to hang with, too. But nothing more. We even talked about how we both don’t want to be in relationships.

I didn’t get a chance to leave my number, I forgot. I gave it to the mutual friend to give him. She texted me telling me that his phone got cut off or some shit.

But if he wanted to fuck again, he could have just asked her to ask me to go over, right?

I know I shouldn’t care so much but I came 5 or 6 times. Such amazing sex. Would it seem desperate if I tried to contact him through the mutual friend. I just want to fuuuuuck.

I’ve never had this happen before. Usually guys find a way to get in touch with me. I’m not saying I’m whoring it up with anyone that will sleep with me. I just like sex. And this guy seemed like a potential fuck buddy.

Well, this has gotten entirely too long. I just wanted to ask you advice, because any advice I’ve seen you give has been extremely intelligent and I usually agree with it.

Coketalk me.

First of all, you write with a strong voice. You strike me as a woman, not a girl. That being the case, I wonder why you’re asking such an obvious question. Six orgasms? Fuck yes, you should chase this guy down! Grade-A, USDA approved, no-strings-attached cock is harder to find than we’d all like to admit. Stop worrying about what other people think, and do what feels good.

One red flag, though — I find it strange that the mutual friend didn’t give you his number. Actually, the excuse that “his phone got cut off” sounds like utter bullshit, and I’d bet half your orgasms that this girl doesn’t want you two hooking up again.

Odds are that he did ask for your contact information, but she probably cock-blocked him just like she did you.

Confront this mutual friend. Make her give you his number whether it works or not. If she keeps beating around the bush with more lame excuses, tell her that you and this guy talked about having a threesome with her. I guarantee she’ll be dialing that number faster than you can spell ménage à trois.

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Advice

On your first guy.

You seem to know alot sexually. I recently lost my virginity to a guy who I thought loved me, and now he only talks to me when he calls for phone sex. I know this is cliche and the only answer anyone seems to be able to give me is “Sorry, just get over him, he’s an asshole, etc”, but I thought that maybe you could give me some legitimate advice. Or at least tell me something, anything, to help me.

How old are you? How old is he? When was the first time you two fucked? When was the last time you two fucked? How often do you see him in person? How often does he call you for phone sex? Did you ever refer to him in public as your boyfriend? Did he ever refer to you in public as his girlfriend?

Send me answers, and I’ll send you my advice.

I’m seventeen, he’s eighteen. The first and last time was two months ago, and I’ve only seen him once since then. He calls for phone sex 2-3 times a week, and I haven’t referred to him as my boyfriend.

Okay, I’m willing to bet he’s not an asshole. He’s just a teenage boy, which for our purposes is much worse. The good news is that you’re not in love with him. That bad news is that he’s the guy who took your virginity.

For better or worse, you’re stuck with him. This guy is always gonna be the first track on your sex playlist, and until you’ve chosen a few more tunes, you can’t help but confuse being first for being number one.

I’m not suggesting you rush out and start fucking, but I do think it’s time for you to move on emotionally. Congratulations on getting your sex life started, but this relationship has served its purpose, and it’s time to end it.

Trust me. Set an early precedent. Be strong enough to end emotionally draining and unsatisfying relationships. Ending it now will make you a stronger woman, and with any luck, you’ll remember your first boy as a charming novelty.

And yes, that means no more phone sex. At your age, any kind of sexual behavior is easily confused with intimacy, and you don’t need that kind of static.

Honestly, it’s the most respectful thing you can do for yourself and for him.

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Advice

On sexual liberation

You said you’re in the entertainment business. I’m really curious… Are you a porn star?

I really just want to live your life, that’s all. I also wish I was as sexually liberated as you. I’d tell you the story and ask you for advice but it’s a long one. Wish you were like my older sister or something.

— Your biggest fan

Nope, I’m not a porn star. No disrespect to my girls who are, it’s just that I would never allow someone else to control a copyright to my likeness, be it on a cheesy reality show or in some hot girl-on-girl action. You won’t find me in front of a camera any time soon.

As for your wish, I’ve got some good news. You already are as sexually liberated as me. The mere act of wishing means you have the capacity, so what’s holding you back? Feel free to tell me your story, by the way. If you take the time to write it, I’ll take the time to read it.

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Advice

On snorting.

What do you think of people who snort crushed pills with dollar bills?

— lov3izdruhnk

What are we talking about here? Xanies? Oxy? Ecstasy? And what denomination? Ones? Twenties? Hundreds? It makes a fucking difference, people!

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