Is it safe to put a lollipop in my vagina?

It’s three thirty in the god damned morning after a Friday night, so yes, depending on the diameter of the lollipop, feel free to continue your schoolgirl role-play confident in the knowledge that your vagina will not get cavities if you feed it candy.*

You better be fucked up. There is no other excuse for this question.

* If you get a yeast infection, you deserve it.

Do you think America’s obsession with guns is more of a mental health issue (ie little dick syndrome or some other syndrome you deem fitting), than a question of freedom? Or is it just about the money?

(apologies, but this retarded article – http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,595602,00.html – in the ‘mental health’ section of Fox News, has caused me to want to flee this country of gun toting fuckwits)

I own a gun, bitch. A ladylike 9mm semi-automatic. It was a gift from a perfectly sane guy whose dick was well above average.

It’s not some scary device I keep locked away in the closet. I know how to shoot. I can put a quick burst of three in a tight grouping at center mass from ten yards and look hot as hell while doing it.

Have you ever fired a gun? I highly recommend you try it, especially if you’re gonna talk shit about the subject. Take a gun safety training course. Get some hands-on experience to back up those dainty little political opinions.

Don’t worry. It won’t turn you into a republican. It will, however, give you some perspective. It will help you understand that this country’s problem isn’t the gun toting. It’s the fuckwits.

Your rage is misdirected. Aim that shit at stupidity, not firearms. Get pissed at Fox News and all other purveyors of institutionalized ignorance. Don’t blame our fundamental freedoms. Blame the idiots who warp, abuse, and shit on them.

I’ll keep this short.

I’m getting married to a man I love. Today I tested positive on a pregnancy test.

Yesterday at our rehearsal, he publicly told a large group of friends and family of how unstable this stage of his life was and he wants to wait 8+ years to start a family.

Please give me your shadiest raging bitchy advice. Like you, I don’t have religion tying me back from the finer, more sinful things in life so give me your best advice and don’t hold back. Not like you ever do.

It’s pretty clear by your tone that you don’t want this pregnancy, and neither you nor your fiance are ready to have children at this point in time.

Then again, you’re not asking whether to terminate the pregnancy. That’s already a foregone conclusion in the back of your mind even though you probably haven’t said it out loud yet.

You’re not asking an abortion question. You’re asking a relationship question. What you really want to know is how to handle the situation with your soon-to-be husband.

Yes, you have to tell him. You can’t get an abortion behind his back and then start your marriage with this massive ugly secret. I promise, that shit will manifest itself and eat your relationship alive.

Now, if the rehearsal was yesterday, that means the wedding is this weekend. Feel free to indulge in seventy-two hours of denial. Seriously, pretend it’s a false positive and put that shit out of your head. Have a wonderful wedding.

However, first thing Monday morning, put the call in to Planned Parenthood. Tell them you need an abortion and schedule an initial appointment.

Once you’ve done that, sit down with your fiance and tell him.

Let him know that you’ve taken control of the situation by making an appointment, but now it’s time to make a decision together.

At that point, shit’s entirely up to the two of you. It’ll be brutal. Even if the choice is clear, it’s never easy. If you do decide to terminate the pregnancy, don’t tell anyone else. No friends. No family. This is husband and wife shit. It’s between you, a doctor, and nobody else.

Good luck.

you know, the only stuff you really talk about is sex, racist and feminist america.

No, no. The only stuff you read about is sex, racism, and feminism. Don’t blame your narrow focus on me.

It’s not my fault you’re not interested in drugs, love, and the meaning of life with a little pop culture and anti-authoritarian shit talk thrown in for good measure.

Expand your horizons.

I am a hetero-flexible gal in a serious long term relationship with a guy who I love with all of my goddamn heart.  We have tons of fun together and the sex is amazing.  I am incredibly happy.

But, and there is always a but:

I would really really like to have a threesome or get some action with another female.  I’m not interested in dating/loving/pursuing a woman but I just love fooling around with them every now and again.  However, the mere thought of seeing my boyfriend with another woman makes my hair stand on end.  And, at the same time, my boyfriend doesn’t want me to hook up with a lady without him (Watching us isn’t an option.  That’s just not fair.)

Is there a way for me to get past my jealousy?  My boyfriend would be open to a threesome if I could get past my discomfort.  For the record, I know I’m being incredibly greedy… But honestly, I’m in my 20’s.  I’m only going to be this hot for so long and I don’t want to pass up an experience like this if I can avoid it.

There is a fun and simple way to get past your jealousy.

First, find yourself a sexy girl who’s down for a threesome and get both her and your boyfriend naked in bed. Go down on her for a little while. Go down on your boyfriend for a little while. Feel free to jump back and forth between all the sweet and salty deliciousness.

Next, wrap your hand around the base of your boyfriend’s cock, and with your other hand gently spread open the girl’s wet little pussy. Be the one to guide your man inside her for the first time.

Kiss them both. Now sit back, watch the two of them fuck, and touch yourself.

There. That was easy, wasn’t it? No more jealousy.

Almost instantly you’ll notice that it’s no big deal. You’ll realize how your intimacy as boyfriend and girlfriend doesn’t change at all, even with a third person in the room. In fact, as you make eye contact with your boyfriend, in weird way you’ll feel closer to him than you’ve ever felt before.

For a half second, you’ll wonder why you ever felt jealous in the first place, but then you’ll get out of your head and back into the moment, and you’ll start getting incredibly turned on by watching them fuck.

It won’t take long before you have to dive in and start licking and sucking anything you can get your tongue on, because it’s a lot more fun to actually see your man fuck another woman than it is to get paralyzed by the thought of it.

Trust me on this. You’re just stuck in your head.

Quit thinking about it and just do it.

Do you believe rent to be fundamentally exploitative? Should we all have to pay for shelter simply for existing?

If I dropped you off in the woods with only an axe and your bloated sense of entitlement, how long before you’d have a roof over your head?

Well then, you useless fucking hippie, aren’t you lucky that you live in a civilized, post-industrial society with property rights and public utilities where you can pay for things like a studio apartment and internet access.

You are not some feudal serf being plundered by the landed gentry. You are a spoiled, self-righteous college freshman who emailed this shit from a coffee shop with free wi-fi and vanilla scones.

Do us all a favor and put down the little red book. It’s not for whiners.

Oh, and shave the goatee. You look ridiculous.