Ever thought about trying a different theme than the ‘I I tell it like it is because you suck, I suck, get over it’ motif? Or is that just the kind of person you’re stuck with being?

At least I’m not stuck being a humorless cunt. Seriously, do you not get how fucking hilarious I am? Oh, wait. One of my answers hit a little close to home, didn’t it? You’re feeling a little butthurt.

Let me guess. You’re coasting through a soft major at some middle-of-the-road liberal arts college, and it kind of bugs you how I pick on people for being lazy and ungrateful. You think that maybe if I’m stuck being some misanthropic nihilist it will somehow invalidate the fact that I struck a nerve. In a predictable fit of transference laced with self-loathing, you fire off a passive-aggressive letter because it’s easier than acknowledging the fact that deep down inside, you know you’re a spoiled little brat.

Sorry, kiddo. I’m having a shit ton of fun over here. I suggest you quit taking yourself so seriously and do the same.

Oh, and by the way, welcome to hater day, bitches!

I’m a boyfriend poacher.

I have this really shitty habit of enticing other girls boyfriends. I know that I don’t actually like them. I’ve had them leave their girlfriend’s for me and I’m suddenly not interested.

It’s simply the chase I dig, not the actual guy. Even with single guys. Once the chase is over I couldn’t be more disinterested even when I try and force myself.

It’s not that I need an “ego boost” or anything of that sort. I have a plenty high enough opinion of myself. I’ve never needed a mans approval starting when I was very young with my father.

What’s my deal? Should I just accept that I’m clearly not relationship material and leave guys (and the chase) alone all together?

Hold on a second there, little miss red flag. What started very young with your father?

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that boyfriend poaching is just the tip of your iceberg of crazy.

I don’t know what your deal is, but get some fucking therapy and quit wreaking havoc on other people’s relationships.

my boyfriend and i have been dating for just over four years now and i love him more than anything in the world. The problem is my parents. See he was my first boyfriend and i was his first giflfriend and they are worried that i am just settling and want me to see other people. i get this.. i really do… they are worried i will be trapped in something i dont want but i dont feel stuck, im happy, and yet i keep second guessing our relationship because my parents are making me paranoid. what do you think i should do?

You don’t really wanna know what I think you should do. You just want me to confirm your life choices, and I’m not going to do that.

Own your shit, kiddo. You’re starting to make adult decisions now, and you’re accountable for the consequences.

Speaking of adult decisions, how old were you when you started dating this guy? Fourteen? Fifteen? Do you really want the child you were at that age making one of your most important life choices?

You’re happy. Good. Fine. Whatever. Maybe you’re one of those blissful idiots who’ll stay that way forever having known only one romance with your high school sweetheart. If that’s the ride you want to sign up for, go with god.

Fair warning though, life has a way of fucking with your fairy tale, and if your one-and-only happy bubble ever bursts you’ll be left pink and exposed in the motherfucking jungle. That’s what your parents are worried about.

im gay and ive been dating my boyfriend for ten months now. we broke up like a week ago. why? because i went tanning!!! who in their right mind does that? weve always had a disfunctional relationship, but i really did love him. even pasyt the physical fights and petty little arguements. the sad part about all of this, is tht he cheated on me and i forgave him, but he breaks up with me because of a few U.V. rays? I cant figure it out, so can you tell me why im still in love with this asshole?

Your tan isn’t the reason he broke up with you. Quite frankly, tanning is just a symptom of the larger problem that caused him to break up with you.

He broke up with you because you’re a queeny little bitch.

Yes, you are.

You know how I know? Because of that sound you just made. Also because you forgave him for cheating on you and because you’re an adult male who uses multiple exclamation points for emphasis.

He doesn’t respect you, not even enough to tell you the real reason he dumped you. Instead, he just pushes your buttons by telling you it was something as stupid as tanning.

That’s why you’re still in love. He pushes your buttons, and you’re the type who thrives on chaos and drama. Fuck that shit. It’s not healthy, and it makes for an awful pattern of relationships.

Have some fucking dignity and move on.

To be honest i’m a psychopath. not the type that kills people but the type that doesn’t care about anything. ever. i’ve known i was different from everyone else since i could remember. it’s just that now i’m in the stage of my life where friends have married off and and have had kids and such. Many of them have asked me why i haven’t found anyone and i’d like to tell them about me but i KNOW they’ll think i’m crazy. people tend to associated no emotion and killer. the thing i’m trying to ask is should i tell them? i think they should know but at the same time it seem dangerous.

“To be honest, I’m a psychopath?” Great opener. Love the built-in irony.

Sounds like if anything, you’re more a half-assed sociopath than a psychopath. Not even sure if you’re that. Maybe you are. Maybe you’re not. Either way, best not to confuse an emotionless state with a lack of empathy. Having no emotions is very different than having no conscience.

Besides, antisocial personality disorder presents with a laundry list of other negative characteristics short of going Dexter. How big a prick are you?

Better question: what’s your motivation for wanting to tell your friends? If it’s anything approaching remorse or guilt, I’d say you’re pretty much disqualified from antisocial personality disorder.

You say you’re emotionless? Fine. I believe you, but unless you’re also a cold-hearted bastard my guess is that you’re more likely dealing with some other kind of non-specific personality disorder.

Fuck it. I don’t know. Maybe you’re just an asshole.

Whatever it is, go see a shrink.

What is it like to sleep with someone who has large tattoos on their body? Is it different? Is it distracting?

Oh hey, Sandra Bullock. Yeah, these thoughts aren’t healthy for you right now.

Seriously, don’t dwell on your biker husband’s year long love affair with a tattoo model. I’m sure their sex wasn’t at all creative, deviant, or athletic.

It’s best if you just put it out of your mind and refocus your energy on pandering to middle-brow America’s latent racism and dull sense of humor.

When I masturbate, I often think about going down on my boyfriend. When i’m actually with him, though, the thought of it disgusts me and I can’t do it. He knows I don’t want to and says he doesn’t care (I trust him, but this is a sensitive area because i’ve actually had to dump an ex because of the same issue, so i’m not positive he doesn’t mind) but I don’t know why in theory, in my bed alone, i’m down for it but in his bed, i’m absolutely not.

Any thoughts?

This one’s easy, sweetheart. You’re masturbating to the thought of exerting sexual control over your man using your mouth. That’s the fantasy.

You’re not masturbating to the gamey flavor of his unwashed cock, nor are you masturbating to the uncomfortable sensation of your gag reflex kicking in when he holds you down by the back of your head. That’s the reality.

Fantasy versus reality. It’ll fuck you every time.

Are you ever going to answer one of my questions?

Yes.

I’m in a bit of a predicament at the moment. Let me lay out my situation for you. My parents are good catholics, they go to church every Sunday, read the bible, etc. They are also the type of people who work out on a regular basis.

I am a college freshman, and love to party, drink, smoke, and generally be up to no good. My parents have no idea I do any of this, because in high school, and while I’m home for break, I act like their good little boy.

So do I keep on smoking and drinking, killing my lungs and liver in the process, or do I start working out and being religious to please my folks?

Up to no good? That’s very sweet, but you have no idea what it really means to be up to no good.

Listen, kid. You’re not in a predicament. You’re in college. If you can keep your grades up while keeping the douchebaggery to a minimum, feel free to experiment with whatever vices raise your eyebrow. Now’s the time.

I will say this, though. Your lungs and liver can handle a little college experimentation, but at your age there’s no quicker way to ruin a perfectly good brain than with religion.