Do you have an opinion about transcendental meditation?
If meditation is like spiritual exercise, then transcendental meditation is like spiritual Crossfit. It’s basically the same thing, but it costs a lot more, it’s slightly cultish, and people who do it talk about it constantly.

Why don’t my romantic partners fall in love with me?
Because you need them to.

I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t consider dating my boyfriend of four years if I found him online. Does that speak more to my relationship or to online dating?
It speaks to your complacency after four years.

Should I date the man who I know would love and support me no matter what? Or the one that makes me want to be a better version of myself?
It depends on what your current needs are. If you don’t know what you need, here’s a thought exercise: Imagine the person you want to be in five years. Which of these two men would that person rather have as an ex?

We all know life goes faster as you get older, but I keep having brief periods of mild depression or anxiety where time seems to speed up for a little while and then slow down again. Additionally, my perception of future events becomes warped, so “five years from now” suddenly feels like “two years from now”. What’s up with that?
Yeah, that’s a thing that happens. Time perception is a subjective experience that can absolutely shift based on emotional states such as depression or anxiety. It’s fascinating stuff, actually. If you want to play with it a bit, try meditation. That’s your quickest route to having some kind of control over it.

Is your Twitter photo of you? I now have a new image of you in my head.
It’s not me. For those of you who missed it before, my new avatar is Amal Clooney. (It was time to move on from 2007 era Britney.)

So can a “former crush” ever become an active crush for you again if the time is right, or is it gone forever?
My former crush and I are going to be working closely together for at least the next eighteen months, so who the fuck knows? I promise to keep you updated on any juicy complications.

I’m sure you get this one all the time, but if you put Dear Coquette between hard covers I would buy the shit out of it many times over. You’re the best.
Stay tuned.

What’s the difference between a relationship ending and a relationship failing?
A relationship can fail without ending just as easily as it can end without failing. The two often coincide, but they are not at all the same thing.

So what happens to your “spirit” or “conscience” when you die?
I’m not sure what you mean by spirit, but if you’re implying some kind of ontological dualism, I’m afraid there’s no evidence for either a dualistic spirit or anything other than total annihilation of consciousness after death.

I met someone amazing one week after breaking up with my girlfriend. We were immediately smitten. We respected each other, had a very strong connection, lots in common. It felt like love at first sight, but she was scared it was a rebound. And that’s why she broke it off. But what if it wasn’t a rebound?
It was a rebound. (Lemme clue you in to what really happened: she broke it off because you kept talking about your ex.)

I’m going back to school after being out for 10 years. Gimme some good advice.
Enjoy yourself. Soak it up. Keep your point of aim on what you’ll be doing a year after graduation, and get used to reading on an iPad, because they don’t use books anymore.

Are some of us just destined for mediocrity?
Most of us. That’s what makes it mediocrity.

What are daddy issues?
Maladaptive patterns of behavior transmitted or acquired though a dysfunctional paternal relationship.

Why do you think it’s ok to intentionally hurt someone you’re in a relationship with?
Give me a break. (Who hurt you?)

Has anyone you recognize from your real life ever written to you?
Yes. Years ago, I caught my best friend asking about a boob job.

Favourite David Bowie song?
Heroes.

What happened with the crush?!
As I’ve said before, my crush is still in love with someone else. I was fully aware of that going in, but my crush wasn’t. Interestingly, we were both in denial. (And we can start saying former crush now. It was a holiday affair. I got laid. I got hurt. I got over it.)

How do I gain the strength to not let the suffering of others affect my happiness? I’m not saying I want to forget that people suffer, but how can I come to terms with having food and a place to live and chances to succeed when there are people out there who unfairly do not have these things or who live a hellish life.
Live your life, but do what you can to alleviate suffering. Volunteer. Donate to charity. Give back. Actually do something.

I’ve always been fairly liberal, but lately I feel like more of my beliefs fall under the umbrella of libertarianism. Is there any way to go about being a libertarian without being a cock about it?
Nope.

Why date your best friend only once??????????? I ask because I have dreams about telling him that I’m not over it, even though he’s just started seeing someone else.
Ladies and gentlemen, this looming disaster right here is why you only get one shot at dating your best friend.

I’m trapped in bed. I subconsciously engineered this weekend so there would be no reason to get up. Fortunately I don’t think holding my breath and hoping to die counts as a suicide attempt.
No, you consciously trapped yourself in bed. Subconsciously, you’re keeping a painful reality from your awareness. It’s called denial, and it won’t work. Get out of bed right now, go take a shower, and you’ll suddenly understand what I’m talking about.

You talk about having sex with women, finding them attractive, enjoying passionate connections with them in threesome situations etc, but have you ever been in a romantic relationship with a woman?
Yes. She broke my heart before I could break hers. I still miss her.

Do you stick with the kind, funny but absolutely vanilla guy who adores you and so refuses to have an open relationship, or do you call it quits and take a risk dating the older, hot, kinky guy?
Third option. It’s not up to vanilla guy whether your relationship is open. Be honest about your needs, and tell him you’re gonna have a quick fling with older hot kinky guy. Maybe vanilla guy sticks around. Maybe he doesn’t. Either way, it becomes his decision rather than his ultimatum.

People who believe in heaven: why are they sad when anyone dies?
Because death is real and heaven isn’t.

talk to me about first loves. am I naive to think that this could be my only love? is every first meaningful connection destined to fail? I can’t imagine ever feeling this way about anyone else in the future. our relationship isn’t easy or simple, but we are loyal and respectful, and want the same things in life and love. are we wrong to think that it can last forever?
You’re not naive to think this could be your only love. You’re naive to think it’s never going to change. It won’t always feel like this. Enjoy being in love, but know that nothing lasts forever, and just because a relationship ends, that doesn’t mean it failed.

If I don’t have a concrete reason for not wanting to keep seeing a guy, is it okay to break it off? Or should I stick it out and see if I start feeling butterflies?
To your first question, you don’t need a concrete reason. It’s perfectly okay to break it off. To your second question, it’s also fine if you want to stick it out. Sometimes a slow burn is nice. You’ll know soon enough one way or the other.

I threw a party, and everyone showed up late. It bothered me more than it should have. I took it personally, which I see is the mistake. That they showed up at all is really is all that matters in the end. But it kind of brought me down the whole night. So how do I not take this shit personally?
Yes, one of your mistakes was taking it personally. A slightly larger mistake in this instance was not knowing ahead of time that everyone always shows up late to a party. That’s how it works. As the host, you get to pick a time when you’re ready to receive guests, but don’t ever confuse that with the time the party starts. They aren’t at all the same thing.

What’s wrong with a woman changing her last name? It’s just swapping out her fathers name for her husbands, and if she wants to, more power to her. Or does your feminism not give women the space to make their own choices?
Actually, my feminism gives women (and men) greater space to make more choices. For instance, what’s wrong with a man changing his last name? If he wants to take on his wife’s name, more power to him. Or is your world view so blinded by the patriarchy that you can’t see how inherently limiting it is to everyone’s choices?

I can only hook up with guys after I’ve had a couple of drinks. Otherwise I am way too anxious. What’s up with that?
Um, yeah. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions. That’s kind of the point. The anxiety you feel while sober is also perfectly normal. My concern is your use of the word “only.” Be careful with that. It could lead to problems.

You’ve just become friends with a girl. Said girl has a boyfriend. She also knows that you like girls. She sends you a picture of her pussy, no caption included. What the fuck do you do?
Tell her she has a nice pussy.

I didn’t know sex could destroy a couch so mercilessly. Can’t get the fucking lady stain out. Tips?
Flip the cushion.

Will you please weigh in on this whole standoff situation in Oregon?
Bunch of assholes. Next.

I live in LA and can’t help but feel a little abandoned! Not totally seriously. . . but your posts about the city always really resonated with me, and made me feel at home. Is there hope for those of us still here? I don’t want to fall out of love with this place, not ever.
I don’t want to fall out of love with LA either. That’s why I left.

This should be simple but I still can’t figure it out: what’s the difference between being kind and being submissive.
Being submissive is about power. The selflessness of kindness has nothing to do with power. You’re confusing submissiveness with selflessness.

Is the human condition flawed?
Beautifully.

last semester of college and my childhood best friend is moving away. Why do I feel so damn sad about it even though we’re in college anyway?
Because your childhood is over, and it’s a thing worth grieving.

What do you do when the man you love is marrying someone else?
You do what it takes to fall out of love. Step back. Reframe him. Let it hurt for a while, and then move on. He’s just a man. One day you’ll see that.

What are your thoughts on euthanasia?
I think people have the natural right to chose the time and manner of their own deaths.

I met a guy. Casually dated for a few weeks but I got too many bad vibes and wanted to dump him. He can’t take no for an answer but he’s not putting any effort into it. What do I do now?
End the relationship immediately, preferably over the phone with a friend by your side. Tell him it is over, and that you do not want any more contact with him. He doesn’t get to talk back. He doesn’t get to see you one more time. He doesn’t have a say in your decision. Do not reply to his texts. Do not answer his calls. If he shows up at your door, do not open it, and do not hesitate to call the police.

Why did I only feel comfortable telling him I loved him after I broke up with him?
Because after you broke up with him, there was no emotional risk.

Rank ’em: pancakes, waffles, french toast.
Waffles (as in Waffle House waffles, not that Belgian trash), french toast (as long as it’s not too tarted up), followed closely by pancakes, which are still delicious, but often better in theory than on the actual plate.

Are you still going to Coachella despite the move?
Guns N’ Roses, LCD Soundsystem, and Miike Snow might be enough to bring me back. We’ll see.

Amal Clooney? I don’t get it. . . do you think highly or lowly of her? Hard to tell. . .
My new twitter avatar is not an ironic choice. I think very highly and have immense respect for Amal. (Although I kind of wish she’d kept her maiden name.)

What makes your new crush “inappropriate?”
My crush is a colleague, one with whom I’ll be working closely for at least the next 18 months.

“Thoughts and advice from an accidental guru who will answer as long as you keep asking.” I like this! What prompted the change?
Personal growth. I no longer consider my advice to be shady, and I haven’t been a raging bitch for quite some time.

new crush and new city? this feels like the end of ‘the girls guide to hunting and fishing’. don’t disappear on me. i still need you to guide me through my first love.
That’s very sweet, but you can relax. I’m not disappearing. I’m just transitioning into a new stage of life.

If I’m in an open relationship and my primary partner knows my secondary partner but the secondary partner has no clue, is it cheating?
It depends on the terms of your secondary relationship. Is your secondary partner owed a clue? If so, you’re being emotionally dishonest. If not, you’re still keeping secrets. Either way, you shouldn’t toy with your secondary partners. Be respectful.

Every time I socialize for more than 3 hours, I’ll come home exhausted. Is this normal? How can I train myself to have more stamina? Thanks.
It’s perfectly normal for an introvert. Pay attention to what kinds of social interactions are most draining. Learn how to modify those interactions. Don’t be afraid to excuse yourself intermittently for five minute breaks where you find a quiet spot to reflect and recharge.

How do I date my best friend?
Carefully, only once, and with the full knowledge that it could easily destroy the relationship.

A lot of people come to you when they’re suicidal; why don’t you just let them kill themselves?
Because they’re not asking me to help them die. They’re asking me to help them live.

When will this heartbreak stop hurting?
Late February/Early March.

There is a war coming towards us and I am frightened.
That’s what they want you to think, and that’s what they want you to feel.

My father is dying. I just want someone to tell me it will all be okay.
It will, but your father dying will also permanently alter your meaning of okay. This process is going to change you. Don’t be afraid of it, and do your best not to shrink away from the painful and difficult parts.

Do you ever choose not to answer someone’s question because they seem close to figuring it out for themselves?
Sure. I get questions all the time where people finish off by saying, “Oh wait, I think I just figured it out for myself.” Just typing it all out seems to help people tremendously.

Could your life be turned into a film?
Anyone’s life could be turned into a film.

Do you have any friends who are Republicans?
I mean, sure. I’ve been to Orange County.

I was a total dick to someone who was in to me and now I just got the door shut in my face by someone I have longed after for ages. Karma?
No, that’s not Karma. That’s cosmic irony.

What does my poor choice in men tell me about my self-esteem?
I dunno. Choices only become poor with hindsight. You chose those men for a reason, and those reasons satisfied a short-term emotional or physical need at the expense of your long-term happiness. What are those needs? Are they linked to your self-esteem? Are there patterns of behavior that you can identify and learn from and not repeat? You’re the one who has to answer this question for yourself. I can’t do the work for you.

Have you been in polyamorous relationships before?
I’ve been in a number of open relationships with a primary partner, but I prefer to think of that as ethical non-monogamy rather than polyamory. I’ve played the fourth wheel to a poly triad on occasion, but I consider that more an experience than a relationship. I don’t mean to overcomplicate my answer, but I’m very careful with labels, especially with a word like polyamorous that means different things to different people.

Am I still in love with my ex because I haven’t been attracted to anyone else yet, or have I not been attracted to anyone because I’m still in love with my ex?
I can’t really answer unless I know whether you’re actually still in love with your ex. You may simply not be over your ex, which isn’t the same thing as still being in love. Either way, it’s no big deal if you haven’t been attracted to anyone else yet. It’ll happen eventually, and there’s no need to rush it. Basically what I’m saying is to chill the fuck out and stop overthinking this shit.

Why does it bother me so much that my boyfriend likes pictures of half naked girls on Instagram?
What you’re feeling is a little bit disrespected, which is a manifestation of petty jealousy that stems from your underlying personal and relationship insecurities.

What role does ego play in your blog posts?
As little as possible, but inevitably some.

2015 in five words.
Lines drawn. Pick a side.

Would we know if you had kids?
No. (But I don’t.)

If I wait, will the men I know grow up and stop balking at my expectations for (reciprocated) favors, support and emotional closeness in serious relationships and friendships, or am I the overbearing brat with codependent expectations that they act like I am?
The waiting is what makes you codependent. Don’t wait. If the men in your life aren’t meeting your (reasonable) expectations, find other men.

I have a fetish that’s hampered my sexual performance and made it difficult for me to form close relationships. How do I share it with someone without feeling like I’m forcing them to tolerate it?
Have you considered getting treatment for fetishistic disorder? Maybe some desensitization therapy? At the very least, you can work through those feelings and learn how to talk about it.

I’ve been working the same boring bank job for the past 3 years. In 6 months, I’ll have saved up around 30k. I think I’m going to quit, travel, then come back and do my MBA. Is that a bad idea?
Sounds great, as long as you have a specific reason to get an MBA. If you do, go ahead and lock in your MBA program before you plan your travel.

Thanks for keeping me current, keeping me honest with myself. I’m well on my way to telling people I’m gay. This year I plan to be more transparent. Hold me to that.
Okay. (You’ll get there.)

I’m going to kill myself. I see no reason not to.
There are plenty of reasons not to kill yourself. You’re just not in a place where you can see them. I know it’s asking a lot, but if you could do me a huge favor and hang around for a while, maybe we could get you some help.

I first learned about you three years ago and back then I was a hardcore Republican. Now I’m basically a socialist hippie. What have you done to me?
I’ve sharpened your critical thinking skills while helping you become less selfish.

Thoughts on the Daniel Holtzclaw verdict?
I watched that shit live. Sweet, sweet justice. (And it felt deeply satisfying to see an all-white jury in Oklahoma convict a police officer of crimes against black women.)

Please help me articulate why “guns don’t kill people, people kill people” and “religions don’t kill people, people kill people” are not the same thing.
They are the same thing, both thought terminating clichés, equally vacuous and without meaning. The larger point is that when it comes to killing people, guns are too often the method, and religion is too often the justification.

Why was I so annoyed when my roommate said that I “don’t need to worry about getting raped because I’m an Indian girl”, as oppose to blonde and white like her?
Your roommate is a racist cunt. Feel free to tell her I said so.

I worked at a shitty job for 8 months, they made my life hell just so they could get me to leave. My unemployment is almost done, why do I keep obsessing over their social media accounts and why can’t I move on?
Because you’re young and entitled and you’re not used to having your ass kicked.

’tis the season for giving and I’ve finally realized there are much more needy people than my family and friends. Where would you send your money to do the most good?
Planned Parenthood.

What’s your crush like? The person, I mean.
Tall and strong with beautiful eyes. Funny and kind. Still in love with somebody else.

She told me she is pregnant. I don’t really feel anything. I mean, I get it but … whatever. Shouldn’t I feel some emotions?
Don’t worry. You will.

I love my boyfriend but when he’s really drunk he’s kind of a dick to me. What do I do?
Don’t put up with it.

Is the Myers–Briggs personality test bullshit? It strikes me as a fancier way of asking people what their “sign” is.
Myers-Briggs is pop-psych candy, but technically it’s a psychometric instrument. It’s a blunt tool, and it’s totally subjective, but at least it actually measures something. (I’m not endorsing it. I’m just saying that it’s not as bad as astrology.)

Have you changed your mind about emojis yet?
Reluctantly, yes. I recognize their cultural and semiotic relevance. I’m still judgy about people who use them constantly and without wit, but I’ve come to accept emojis as part of our digital vocabulary.

I never want to be the type of person who doubts a woman’s word, but Farrah Abraham is such a duplicitous attention whore- can her accusation really be as authentic as Stoya, Joanna Angel, et al?
Yes.

I’m 22, I have 10k in my savings account and no debt. What should I do with it?
Not a goddamn thing. Save your fucking money. You’ll know when it’s time to spend it.

I’m starting to think that boys are pretty much the same everywhere and that none of them will ever be The One. Am I wrong?
Nope.

Do you want to get married someday?
I don’t care whether I get married, but I’d like to find a life partner or two.

I no longer enjoy your comments section. It’s the same couple of people talking the exact same shit.
Get in there and fuck some shit up.